Scars Upon Your Heart - 1. Part 1

Someone somewhere is going to read the masquerade I am about to create

This story starts on a dark and stormy night…

No. I’m shitting you.

The story I am about to recite to you is about my life. Well, this character’s life. I’m a character in the great novella we call life. The name I am about to recall will not make much sense to you at the moment. But it will in due course.

This is the name that I am going to recite to you. It is not very common. It can be heard through space, through the mind of every person he has met. He has that sort of effect on people.

His name can be heard everywhere because that’s how good he was.

This name was Lucian. Lucian was the name of the one who once upon a time, I loved.

He was a complete angel. Well, in my eyes at the time I believed that he was a complete angel and not able to commit any sin. This man was my angel. He was my saviour.

Oh how I was wrong.

It was a dark time, a very dark time. My parents were breaking apart, Mother moaned far too much and Father did nothing about it. Father always worked. Worked and worked and worked. He never really had any time to himself. Never painted, kept chickens, spent money. He never really had the chance. His upbringing wasn’t the best. Orphanage from birth, work at 15. Hospitalised at 40. He never really had any luck.

My Mother.

Mother never had any luck either, born to a pig-like family, treating her like dirt, making her travel to a shop that was miles away for potatoes in bags that were bigger than her, destroying any chance she had to go out and have fun. Even now, she doesn’t go out, she stays at home and plays on the computer and visits our neighbours. They are unhappy, I suppose. But in a relationship, one must forego these sorts of things. They wouldn’t still be together if they didn’t love each other.

I guess, under the surface, although they loved each other unconditionally, there was something about them. They were starting to break apart. They were surrounded by debt and the family was breaking apart, with no-one to turn to with her mother insane and her father blind. There wasn’t much holding them together. My brother Eric had moved out and had kids. Believe me; in our house there wasn't much that was completely stable.

Except me.

Jason Adrian Wenterfield.

My name. Interesting isn’t it? Passed down the lineage of my family, from my father Adrian Jason Wenterfield and his father Jason Adrian Wenterfield. All very traditional.

Traditions were important. Get to an appropriate age; meet a girl, get married, kids, and all that sort of thing. I was going to break this tradition. I’d far rather go after a tight pair of…

I’m letting myself get away from my point. I’m homosexual. Yeah, and my parents know. Father didn’t care. Mother knew and never really liked it but she loved me and I guess that was all that counted. I suppose.

This boy. This Lucian. Now that’s an interesting tale. He helped me. Despite all that happened between us he helped me. You could say that I needed that situation. It helped me because it developed me as a person. A lot happened and when I say a lot. We had shared everything; he helped me develop the maturity that I would need for my later life. For now. It may not seem like it but he helped even if emotionally I was permanently damaged. Permanently damaged by my own emotions and by my own foolish judgements.

What comes around goes around as the old phrase goes.

His name was Lucian; I was head over heels in love with him. You’d never guess. I don’t know why I was in love with him but I just was.

At the time of writing this journal of sorts up, I am married and very happily I might add. He is beautiful and charming and just everything a man should be. He is also intelligent. He is a lecturer like me; we both lecture at Harvard University, me Comparative Literature and him Business. We are known very well around the states. The great couple who have lectured between them nearly a million students in their time…

I haven’t always been from America. I was originally from England. Living in England was interesting.

Particularly interesting when you come from the middle of nowhere with the nearest city being over an hour away.

This retelling of events is going to be difficult. It is going to drain everything from me.

I’m going to show you into the deepest part of my history and believe me it isn’t pretty.

You could say that I am ashamed. Reading back, I cannot believe what I did.

I cannot tell the whole thing alone. That is why there is going to be a few events from another perspective. A chance to gain a new light on familiar situations. I won’t tell you exactly who will be telling you these unfortunate events.

Just, let’s say, he’s a very old friend of mine.

I discovered I was gay at the age of 13, when in the changing room little Tommy Sandler came across in his towel and it dropped and I saw the tightest little butt cheeks and a washboard stomach. Something happened in my underwear that day that made me blush quite hard. I guess from there I let it fester. Until one day, after a confrontation about my sexuality with Mother, I decided to go on a hunt for a new forum. I originally typed in ‘Gay Teenagers’. Well that came out with results like 8teenboys.com. I guess I spent many happy nights fantasising over…

Well you know; those sorts of things.

I then tried ‘Gay Teenagers Forum’ and I found a few websites. The first www.chadziesboyz.com was full of old and weird perverts. Then there was http://www.crkboy.org/, of which I can barely remember and then there was another website. It was a small community but it was happy, following this very popular author of Gay Teen Stories who went by the alias of ‘Comicality’. Nice man. Very childish and very funny. Now by looking at http://irc.shackoutback.net , I could see that not everyone was a creepy pervert. There were some genuinely nice people out there.

But then I was wandering their website and I came across their ‘Teen Support Links’.

And there it was, at the bottom of that page. The site I knew I was searching for.

www.gayauthors.org

I found what I needed. A large community of people who treated every person as a family member.

I remember that night having a flick through their teen support section and it was filled to the brim with responses from members. They really did care about those members that were young. There was one very ill member, who would have people posting in the topic twice a day, simply because they were thinking of him.

This was what I needed.

A new group that held together like a strong family unit.

I signed up and I left it while I went to sleep that night. That night I slept for a very long time…

I’ve always thanked the person who created GA, we speak quite often and we are quite good friends. He had to retire from the website because his eyes were playing up and he couldn’t handle the work load. When I first joined I couldn’t stand moderators, always poking their noses in where they are not wanted. But now, I understand. I’m a moderator too, well administrator. I help run the site since he passed it on. I try not to pry where my nose isn’t wanted. You know privacy and all that sort of thing.

I never really knew whether GA was my saviour or my destroyer. Maybe I will find out today. Or tomorrow. Or next week. Or perhaps never…

He is so lonely, his partner and he are unhappy in their relationship but we will cover them later. I try to keep him company as much as I can but sometimes you never really know if it’s worth trying…

It happened last week. In this time of the current me.

It was at this time, where everything had changed.

I was no longer the boy I looked back upon in the journal of letters.

It happened at the pier. We were so close to each other. He smiled at me and turned towards me. ‘I can never make anyone happy. I ruined you. I ruined your heart.’

I watched it happened. I felt absolutely helpless. I hate not being in control. I hate not being able to stop things from happening or not being able to stop plans. I hate disorganisation and that I have uncontrollable emotions.

It feels better. To get things off my chest. I’m sorry for venting at you but it’s the only way I can see things working…

There is something I should tell you.

I suffer from Developmental Dyspraxia. I have a serious lack of motor skills and my communication isn’t at its best. I do try, I try my hardest. But I struggle. Life has been a great big uphill struggle for me but I have been a success. A great career, beautiful house and a wonderful partner who I love. I love him passionately. I love him to the point of desperation. There is no relevance in this tale. No relevance. I just struggle to communicate with people sometimes; I’m pretty surprised that I can tell you this story…

It’s just like there are issues that I have to face and I’m scared about handling them. Like Lucian.

Just like Lucian. Last week, I couldn’t handle him. I just couldn’t.

Sometimes, I wish it would all go back to normal. Go back to when I was younger before I discovered GA and before I discovered I was gay.

Before everything.

Can I just ask for that?

Make things simple for me?

Make things different for once in my life!

I know I can never go back. I know I cannot change my life but my life is as good as it’s going to get.

I have had a good life despite everything that has happened. An amazing life. I’ve been lucky.

Beyond lucky, in everything from love to work.

I’m now going to tell you about when it started. When everything changed in the state of my emotions.

When I joined GA and met Lucian.

Someone somewhere is finally about to learn how to love…

I was 15. Hormonal. Sexually frustrated. You get the picture. Pictures you can rip up, you know. Pictures are permanent but they fade. A human being does not fade, they age and they can bleed. You can never make a picture bleed. Err… sorry. I cannot help myself sometimes. I guess I get angry sometimes…

I had joined the night before but I didn’t explore. So that afternoon at 2:15 after about 45 minutes of browsing through the site and their forums and getting used to how their interface worked. Get me, sounding all computer geek like. In all things being told, I found it incredibly confusing and very difficult to understand. What? I was 15, give me a break! But then again, when I grew I still found technology dumbfounding.

Still, give me a break. I’ve only just started to get going.

Anyway, I found my way to the chat room. I opened the link and read through the sign in information and clicked and I was in there. There were 4 people “online” as such. Domobot, a man in his late twenties and not out to anyone. Extremely closeted. Luc_1906, my Lucian. If only I had known at that point. Shegress, a prominent member of the website, the man who is the leader of the teen forum, well was, he quit a few weeks after I signed up due to the teenage dramas that happened. The only piece of advice he really ever gave me was ‘Never piss off an admin or a moderator or face hell, possibly even worse.’ Very nice touch he’s got. Insert sarcasm here. He now edits for me, very nice man, quite elderly but very good to me. Then finally of course there was SamauraiFighter16, the man, well boy, who I would learn to hate. Cameron.

We started to talk, I was quite nervous, they were getting a bit dirtier than I thought they would but hey it was a gay authors website.

What would you expect? Pretty ponies running about the place singing Sound of Music?

I think not. The world isn’t as innocent as it would seem at the age of 15. I was talking and then a private chat came up with the name ‘Luc_1906’ attached to it. I clicked on the tab and it had ‘Hi. *wave*’ on it.

I found it incredibly cute!

Anyway, my screen name was ‘Jason_johnstone’; I liked the musical blood brothers at that age. I’m sort of glad he kicked it off because I wouldn’t have had the guts. I was far too shy for my own good at that time; I had no guts, no balls. Well I had balls but that’s another conversation.

We got the conversation going with the typical conversational starters. Where we were both from, with me being from England and Lucian being from Florida. Asking when we realised we were gay, he realised about a month before joining GA. He was a late bloomer as the phrase goes. We carried on talking till I had to get off the laptop. It didn’t take long to figure out that I had fallen in love. I couldn’t help but be happy. It had been so long… I went to sleep happy that night for the first time in a long while…

The following night I signed on and Lucian signed on quickly after, I think he was waiting for me to sign in before he was in there so we could be more private. He instantly started a private chat, ‘I’m thinking about getting an MSN account, do you have it?’ My heart started to race; of course I had it… Oh my god, my brain couldn’t keep up with my heartbeat and neither could something else downstairs. He got the account, after several minutes of convincing from the group in the chat room. ‘J…’ I loved it when he called me ‘J’. ‘J, I want to talk on msn. It would be much more private and moderators can’t watch the conversation.’ So if I wasn’t in control of my hormones before then god knows what I was like then.

When I signed into msn, the conversation went a little like below.

Lucian: Hey J

Jason: Hi.

Lucian: You alright?

Jason: OH yeah I’m ecstatic that you have msn now.

Lucian: Oh? ;) Why is that? ;)

Jason: Well… you know…

Lucian: What.

Jason: We can talk when we are not on GA now. Hehe.

Lucian: Oh yeah, that’s not at all weird…

Jason: *slap* keep your trap shut. Hehe. I can bitch fight like the best of them.

Lucian: Depends what you want. ;) I’m very versatile ;).

As you can imagine, I was absolutely crapping myself at this point. I always wondered where the hell that came from. He was probably flirting. He’s always been very flirtatious.

Jason: Wow Lucian, that’s majorly sexual.

Lucian: I know ;) its awesome isn’t it.

I know I should really say more. But I can’t. Besides, the rest of the conversation was a bit boring. I went shy, he went shy. It went badly. All that cheesy that stuff that usually happens.

It was the day after that particular conversation that it all kicked off. That day, he was in a really strange mood…

Lucian: Hey you!

Jason: Hi. You’re oddly chirpy today.

Lucian: Oh it’s just I got full marks in my first AP exam, means if I pass every AP exam I enter college a year early.

Jason: Ah wicked! That’s great. That means we will be in the same year.

Lucian: Scary eh? Look Jason are you alone?

Why he would ask this at like 12am, meh it was a holiday.

Jason: Yeah I am alone. I am in my own room.

Lucian: Yeah. :$ I want to get sexual.

OMG! He wanted to get sexual with me, ME. God, I was such an easily impressed little fool.

Jason: Alright lol. You first.

Lucian: How big is your dick… Mine’s 5.5 inches.

Jason: Cute. 6.5.

Lucian: Ha. That’s not as big as Cameron’s his is 8 inches.

How on earth did he know about Cameron’s dick…

Jason: How the fuck do you know?

I hated his reply…

Lucian: He’s shown me, he’s like my rock.

I should have seen it coming. I really should have.

Lucian: Sorry. I go a bit deep sometimes Jason. I shouldn’t

Jason: No don’t worry.

I should have made him worry, by god I should have made him worry. Part of me wishes I did. I sound really sadistic. I really don’t mean to. I have bad memories. Memories I don’t want to go back to. Never. I’ll never try that again. Never again. I have to hide those bad memories. I’ve watched it happen to Lucian and I will not let myself go through it again.

Another MSN conversation popped up out of nowhere, it was Cameron; he added me the day I joined GA (He already had MSN).

Cameron: Yo Jason!

Jason: Hey.

Cameron: I hear you and Lucian are hitting it off. Good to hear. Good to hear.

Jason: Yeah we are kind of…

Cameron: Just like to let you know that we are kind of online dating. Get off his case.

Jason: What?

My heart sunk to the floor in sadness.

Jason: You… mean you guys are like together.

Cameron: Oh yeah… oh hell yeah. I’ve seen things that you could only imagine honey. You could only imagine.

I didn’t know whether I wanted to scream or cry. I just needed to do something. I messaged the both of them.

Jason: I need a minute. I’m going for some fresh air. See you later.

It went so fast. It almost went too fast. Our friendship had developed so much and I thought there was a chance. I really did think there was a chance.

I stepped outside into the back garden and gathered my thoughts. Lucian had flirted for a few days despite dating Cameron. I was so frustrated. I just went to bed, it was nearly 1 am and if I was caught out of bed at that hour I would be bollocked for it. I went to bed hoping to sleep forever…

It was the following morning. I didn’t have school so it was a Saturday obviously. We got on msn and started talking.

I couldn’t help myself.

I just couldn’t hold it in.

I couldn’t…

The tension it was eating away at me like a leech on my skin.

You know that feeling. I just need a release.

Ah shit. Just realised what I said. I didn’t mean anything like sexual with it.

Just need a mind dump.

Bugger, that’s even worse.

I guess I just cared far too much. Far too much for his soul and his being.

I just lost all thought. All traces of any type of thought and I just said it.

Okay.

I just said it.

Jason: Lucian. I just really like you. I think you are one of the most attractive people I have ever met.

I obviously caught him off guard. I like it when I do that. I do it quite frequently and it always makes me chuckle.

Lucian: No. No I’m not. I’ve got a spotty face and a small dick. I’m nowhere near attractive.

Back then, He ever really had a good opinion of himself. I was never good at non flirtatious answers.

Jason: If someone says you are attractive, it generally means that you are attractive J

Why was I so blind? But then he came back with a response. A response I was not expecting at all.

Lucian: So you like my bod?

I replied calmly, resisting the urge to explode sexually even though I really, really was in desperation. Restraint is the enemy of all things natural. Unless you were into bondage… But that’s another conversation.

What? I was a horny hormonal teenager and I was in love. Sigh. I took a leap of faith.

Jason: I haven’t seen it ;)

As a teenager, I was always attracted by a personality. I always found the personality of a person to be most interesting. That’s why I called him ‘hot’ without even seeing him. But then he sent me the picture.

Now don’t get me wrong it wasn’t sexual or anything; it was just him with his sister’s friends. But he was so attractive… He was cute. His fine legs with muscles you could really hold onto, big eyes and a great fashion sense. I was sure. I was beyond sure at that point. He was the one…

He was the one for me…

I loved him…

I fucking loved him!

What a fool I was at that ripe young age…

Sorry I’m getting a little upset thinking about it.

I asked him. I knew he was dating Cameron but I had to ask for my own sanity.

Jason: Look Lucian, I really like you.

Lucian: And I You.

My heart skipped a beat I was sure. I was so excited.

Jason: Lucian I think I love you…

No reply. No reply. A minute. Five minutes. Ten.

It could have been anything. I was worried. He wasn’t out to his parents. What had I done? His parents could have walked in and ruined it, they could have discovered GA, and he could have been forced out of the closet… I was beyond worry. I was feeling sick…

After twenty minutes he replied…

Lucian: Sorry Jason, sister walked in and I had to close the laptop lid. What did you say?

Jason: Errm… Lucian I really like you. Hell, fuck it. I love you. Will you go out with me?

He didn’t speak for a while. I got worried that I was blunt. I think it was his parents but it could have been the strength of my words sinking in for the first time.

He’d never been in love before me. He told me.

One stormy night, lovely, again with the corny images.

He told me he didn’t love Cameron the way he loved me. He had several girlfriends but he knew he was never interested in them.

“Jason, please, understand me when I say this. I don’t mean to hurt you; I don’t mean this to ever hurt you. I love you. Man, I adore you but I don’t think I’m ready for you. Don’t take this the wrong way.”

I thought he would be like that. The lying, deceitful, gorgeous hunk of man. Snap out of it!

The coward. At that point I just closed the laptop lid and stormed away and cried.

I cried for a very long time.

I’d never had had my heart broken before and god did it feel so bad…

Someone somewhere has finally given into their emotions, only to have them ripped to pieces by the first sight of love…

So as you can tell, my emotions weren’t exactly in their usual place. I kept myself under control in front of the parents. Of course I had to. I had to keep restraint. I had to stop myself. If I cried in front of them then it would mean hours of questioning. I remember once, when I yelled at Mum once…

I screamed at the top of my voice ‘I am not four years old anymore Mum; I know how to fold shirts!’ Petty thing to argue about I know but I was young and I didn’t really have much better to rant about. I then stormed up the stairs and she followed me and well…

She hit me. It wasn’t a hard hit but it was the first one.

They say the first one always hurts the most.

But she did it.

Did I mention I was 12? No, I didn’t. Well I was.

I’d never been treated with violence before. It caused an internal fear of her that I’ve never really got rid of. Not until the day she died and she apologised for everything she had done in life.

The argument is that despite her being a pig by accident sometimes, despite her rudeness, her assuming nature, she was my mother. And I loved her unconditionally.

And that was the love I had for him.

Unconditional love…

I was young, acting so unafraid of the world and yet still afraid. I thought I knew everything, I thought I was on top of the world.

Little did I know that I would have so much more to take in, so much more to learn.

I’d like to take us forward a few weeks in my journal. My journal where I keep my thoughts. After all the drama of the previous few pages.

 

Forward to a time when I had realised that there was no more hope left in it. I couldn’t have him and that was that. I was English and he was American. That was all I could do. That was all I could ever do.

Then there was Cameron.

I hated the idea of him. I despised him. Every part of him was every single thing I detested in the world. But we began to speak properly over the time gap. We became friends despite my prejudice. I got to know him better and I discovered he was far more tainted then anyone. A violent father and a mother that abandoned him. The poor soul.

I’m sure as horny adults you can guess what sorts of things were done over msn some nights.

Bit creepy isn’t it? But I was blind and just a bit of a stupid teenager. Go figure.

Nothing beats reality though. Reality always wins.

Anyway, I guess since I initially started hating him because he took the one I wanted away from me but hey that is life I suppose. I can just envisage the conversation between them when Lucian found out that Cameron had told me everything…

 

**

 

Lucian: Hey baby, you horny tonight? ;)

Cameron: Hey. Not really. Not in the mood.

Lucian: Oh why not? You usually are on a Friday night after going football. ;) Shower off with all the smooth ones y’know?

Cameron: Neither the time nor the place babe. I need… I need to tell you something.

Lucian: What is it? Don’t tell me you went crying about mummy again…

Cameron: Lucian please not now… Any time but now. Lucian. I kind of… I may have… I could have just possibly told Jason …

Lucian: Told him what :O

Cameron: Everything. Everything Lucian…

Lucian: How could you? How could you tell him?

Cameron: I could say the same about you. I know you look at other people. You should just be thinking about me and me only. I’m your lover and your friend, so start treating me like one!

 

**

 

When looking back, I believe that was the day Cameron finally grew the confidence to stand up to Lucian. I don’t know whether that was a good thing or not. Especially the way that he acts sometimes. I believe you can get overconfident in yourself, you know what I mean? He opened himself up to me, told things he had never trusted Lucian with. He wished he could entrust Lucian with the information he shared but this was something that could ever be shared again. Never again. I made a promise and I always keep to my promises.

I’ve always been a keen reader. Before I met Lucian there was this series I read called Spirit Keepers by Annabelle Silvestrin. It was about these little fairies that came out at night and took away your breath and kept it as your spirit and brought it to you when you needed it. But then there was the Evil Fairies who took it to store in the huge fridge on the moon.

Okay it sounds stupid doesn’t it?

What? I was 12!

Anyway, there was this big battle at the end of the second book and she left it on a massive cliff-hanger as to whether the Good Fairy Belinda would live or not. If she lived then goodness would prosper but if she died her Bad Fairy cousin Pandora would release everything bad upon the earth.

I seriously wanted to know how it ended.

So anyway, back to why this links to this story, well Lucian and I were having a conversation about children’s books we used to read, you know Harry Potter, Barry Trotter, The Hungry Hungry Caterpillar, and all those old classic favourites and I told him about Spirit Keepers.

Lucian: *gasp*

Jason: What?

This was another one of those edge of your seat moments. Grab your popcorn love it’s a bumpy film ahead.

Lucian: What was the surname of the author?

Why would he want to know that? I mean, he must have been desperate to know because he repeated his question a second, then a third time. And then a fourth. I was getting serious fed up.

Jason: Silvestrin okay? It’s Silvestrin.

Lucian went quiet for a few minutes so this made me wonder.

Lucian: Jason… my mother wrote that series… Annabelle Silvestrin. When she was younger, before she had me… I asked her about it. She said she lost all the manuscripts for her final draft of the third book, ‘Lost in Moonlight’ and she never really got back round to it.

Jason: Do know how it ended? You know, how the lead character left? You know the war that was coming? The end of the world.

I know, it’s embarrassing now but I was quite passionate about it, back then.

Lucian: Fiyero The Fairy met you and married you. Are you happy now? :P

Jason : Oh god yes.

Fiyero was the heart throb of the book. He’d screw anything with legs but god I’d be up for it. And this was meant to be a children book, I say!

Lucian : So yeah, you know my full name now.

Jason : Do I?

Lucian : Lucian Parker Silvestrin

What a beautiful name… I should have fought back the urges. But my heartstrings plucked again at me and I couldn’t help myself. I still loved him. Despite me denying it constantly.

I was horribly and inexplicitly in love with him.

Days passed and I signed onto msn like I usually did after school and I had Cameron pop up in a conversation.

Cameron : Hi? You here little bro?

I knew something was wrong because he only ever called me ‘little bro’ when he needed a listening ear.

Jason : Yeah I’m here. What’s up?

Why oh why did I ask.

Cameron : Jason, he left me. He went and left me. Traded me in.

God how did I know how this felt and a part of me really wanted him to suffer, because I had to suffer.

Jason : Oh.. Right. That’s err… great. Sorry mate.

He said that I didn’t know how much Lucian meant to him, and that he was unstable. He had never really had a relationship before and he wanted to cling onto it. He never really got over Lucian. He’s still as clingy as ever with the person that he is with. Spoilers if I told you who. But I will always think of him as the young experimental teddy bear of a friend. Someone you could depend on, even if you think you hate their guts. They will always be there for you.

The events that were to unfold were definitely unexpected. In fact I don’t believe in them now. I don’t believe they really happened. I believe that he was desperate and that he didn’t know what else to do.

Cameron : Jason, you know what I’m holding?

Jason : What? Your dick? ;)

Cameron : I’m being serious. I’ve got something sharp… and I’ve got it against my stomach…

I was incredibly shocked, I jumped out of my seat and started typing as quickly as I could begging him to not do it, I had lost far too many people to teen suicides to lose another friend in need. I told him that there would be someone to love him, someone to cherish and adore him for the rest of his life; he just had to be patient to find the one…

He thanked me then he signed off.

He then sent me an email with the sweetest thing I have ever heard written upon it…

 

**

 

Dear Jason

Thank you so much Jason. I’ve seen the light. The world is a better place with people like you around, guides on the path through life stopping people from making the most stupid and irrational decisions. I’m forever in your debt.

Love

Cameron xx

 

**

 

He always was a little bit dramatic but it was sweet nevertheless. Y’know, I’ve always had a place in my heart for Cameron. Like a family connection to him, I’d trust him with my life and he with mine. He’s incredibly friendly and like a gentle giant.

Part of me wishes I took up the chance when I could to be his. Way back, he asked me to be his date to his University Proms Evening. Of course, I had to turn him down being in a civil partnership.

I don’t think my partner would have been too happy if I went off with another man as a date…

 

**

 

It was the day after he sent the email and I was talking to him and I just couldn’t hold myself back. I couldn’t handle his moaning and his grunting and his overall "bitchyness".

I then did something that I was to always regret. I would regret it till the end of my days.

Cameron : it’s like a hole has been drilled into my heart and my emotions ripped from me.

Jason : Look Cameron, I love you as a friend and everything but I just can’t handle this anymore. I listen to you night and day and I’ve just had enough of it. If you don’t have anything positive to say then please just don’t say it okay? I’m sorry.

Emotionally distraught and weakened, I turned to the one person I thought would help me. Why was I so stupid? I spoke to Lucian. Considering I was still depressed about my “break up”, if you can call it that. Unrequited love I suppose and I was wallowing in my own self pity, it wasn’t the best move to make in all due honesty.

So we carried on talking and I asked how he was.

Lucian : Oh I’m burning up. Burning up for you baby! ;)

I was shocked. I didn’t know he still felt that way…

I was. I was. I was angry.

I didn’t know what to do.

Jason : I thought that was over between us?

Lucian : Well I’m sorry if you took my joke the wrong way.

He just signed off straight after that and I felt quite bad. I didn’t realise that he was joking at the time. I was young and easily fooled. That has always been a bad point with me, I am very gullible. I once believed that moles were the descendants of dinosaurs.

So yeah, I went off and went to bed but when I signed in the next day I found an offline message sent to me. It read a little bit like this…

Lucian : Look, I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to hurt or offend you. I just like things to go my own way and I know I need to learn to stop doing that. I’ve always been a spoilt child, the first male child. I’m from a traditional background so I’m expected to have kids and have a happily married wife. And that isn’t going to happen so my parents aren’t very happy about that. I can’t handle all this pressure Jason. I need someone to talk to but I don’t want to talk to you in case I offend you. You probably think I’m overreacting to something so small but things have just built up. I wish I had taken the chance to be with you. See you later on. Meeting my friend Liam today, hopefully we will get on well…

I wasn’t expecting that sort of response in the light of things that had happened. He wished he had taken me instead of Cameron. But I had to move on. I couldn’t focus my emotions on Lucian. I couldn’t waste my time on him. But I still loved him and I still do love him. I just cannot handle his varying emotions. Besides, we are both happily with other people.

And that is the way that it should stay.

Someone somewhere is going out, not even realising that they are going on their first ever date…

Later that evening, I had a late night because it was still the holidays for me, I was online and Lucian came on and said something quite unexpected.

Lucian : OMG!!! JASON!!!

Here we went again, let me guess Cameron asked you out again? No, I guess not… Am I the only one that believed that? Anyway he said:

Lucian : I have great news.

Jason : What is it this time?

Lucian : Well… I may have just gone on my first date *blush*

Jason: Date? Like real date? Not like you and Cameron.

Lucian: Nope. All real. Not at all online. Cameron was an online relationship and you know how they work out. They almost always end up unhappy.

Jason : Okay. So tell me everything. Who? Where? What?

Lucian : His name is Liam *blush*. We go to the same school and are in the running team together. The running team yeah. So I’ve seen him naked for quite a long time. God he’s hot. I guess I’m just happy. He… he asked me out in the food court…

 

**

 

“Yo Lucian… I got something to tell you” Liam said. He smiled sweetly with his leg shaking in nervousness.

“What?” Lucian blushed.

“Oops, I think you are blushing.”

“Oh… sorry. What were you going to say?”

“I… I don’t know… Ermm…” He began to sweat. “I think I like you Lucian.”

“I like you too, I guess.”

“No. I mean really like you.” He held Lucian’s hand and stroked it. And Lucian smiled. He just smiled.

 

**

 

Lucian : So yeah, that was how it happened. And I’m just really happy. I’ll never forget that date…

And that was what he said to me the first time we met. He would never forget the day we met. I bet he can’t even remember that we were together.

But there is something just amazingly cute about it.

I mean, way back, Lucian was a shy retiring young boy who was on the track team and secretly looked at the boys in their tight underwear with parts of them showing through them. Sure he must have enjoyed it. I sure enjoyed it. It was really fun staring but I go off my point.

I guess, for the first time, I was obsessed.

As time passed on, I would learn that this obsession would not be good for me. My Year 11 friends would say “Do you remember Lucian; you were always obsessed with him, weren’t you?” I used to tell my friends all about him when we first met. I was just very impressionable and I liked to let people know. What a mistake.

Or what one of my not so close friend said, “Remember Lucian, yeah he used to speak to me and he always said that you were so clingy and you were always so weird.”

At that time, it was more than just a knock to my confidence. It was a full on bloody blow.

In fact at that point in my life, it ripped me apart. I wasn’t particularly stable at that time and I had even considered the forbidden thing…

A few days later he emailed me.

“Dear Jason. I guess I’ve caused a lot of heartbreak over the time I’ve known you and for that I’m eternally sorry. I guess I needed you. I think I needed the attention. I admit it I’m an attention whore. I guess there’s not much I can say… I’m sorry. I’m happy now. Far happier than I ever have been.

Lucian”

I was in a word, surprised. It had come out of the blue. Like a lot of the things he would send me. They were painful and they would hurt me. They hurt me down to my core. I never really learnt how to handle them. I can handle them now. I guess being very near to him now; I have to be able to handle them.

Little did I know that I was falling in love with him again.

No matter how hard I tried, even when I wanted to. I struggled to forget him. I struggled to stop myself from falling in love. My emotions were broken and unstable. I went to my room and I cried so many times because of him.

I needed some happiness.

I needed someone.

I turned to the chat room. I hadn’t been on in weeks.

Fredbot : I want to be a director and I don’t watch TV

LemonJay : I guess I haven’t met you yet Fredbot. Hi I’m Lemon :P

GuiltlessDreams : I have no hope of losing anything L Still I can sleep I guess so.

LemonJay : Oh don’t be so depressing. It could be worse.

Shegress : Hey Jason. Hope you’re okay.

I just let them know I was fine and I just left it at that.

About four weeks later, I got a phone call from one of my friends. Now, this was strange.

You may think it’s odd that I am saying my friend was calling me. Surely everybody has friends that call them. Of course they do. Now, it was strange because this girl I had known for years.

In Primary School, in Year 1 there was this girl that moved to England. Her family liked to travel the world and not stay in the same place. Her name was Elsie.

She enjoyed a life of love, family and seeing the world.

She had lived in England and Paris before moving to my school.

She was fluent in French when she moved to England, so she excelled at languages in Primary School, even out speaking the teacher on the odd occasion.

Now that was fun to listen to. I don’t think a 6 year old child had ever outspoken Mrs. Greenwood. And if they did, they were severely punished. Now, Mrs. Greenwood rewarded Elsie with chocolate and sweets because she had the confidence in another language.

Lucky cow.

But anyway, she stayed for around 3 years but then her family had to move on. We were quite good friends, I once went round her house and watched her mother practice witchcraft. They were that kind of family and it was awesome. Despite my quite religious family at the time I found it awesome. I would have found drying paint interesting at that age. Or even turning light switches on and off.

I was a very boring child.

So they moved away for none less than Australia. And yeah, I got a phone call from her the other day. I hadn’t spoken to her in years but she still had our home phone number for some reason. But anyway, from Australia. She called me from Australia.

She must have had something important to say…

And oh boy did she. Turns out that well, her best friend had just come out. And when I mean coming out, I mean coming out. Came out in front of the whole rugby team. He was beaten to a pulp.

I always felt really bad because everyone I knew did some sort of sport and I never really did anything. I was a lazy lump as a teenager!

Anyway, turns out he needed someone to talk to. Y’know, to ease the pain? She didn’t know I was gay but I seemed to have a good ear for her problems so she thought it would be good for me to listen to him. Take the burden off her chest as well, I suppose.

So she gave me his email address and I added him on MSN and we just started from there.

His name was Isaac. Such a cute name. Reminds me of a real geek picture, funny glasses, pocket protector the lot.

But man was he different.

Tall, long leather coat, black shoulder length wavy hair that blew in the wind…

Sorry. Ahem. Excuse me. Fantasising.

Spoilers ;).

But anyway. We began to talk, y’know the average introduction. He was a few weeks older than me, had been around the world a few times with his parents but again, was from the UK.

Huh? Can you see a pattern? I sure can. The United Kingdom must suck because all the cool people move away from it.

The problem is I liked it there. It was always very quiet.

At this point I was a little more successful than with Lucian. I didn’t jump the gun and drool as soon as I spoke to him. I kept myself relatively controlled.

We often had video chats. No! Not that kind you pervert. Just friendly stuff asking about his day and stuff.

He had a video log that was quite cool. I only discovered it after a few days into getting to know each other. I was browsing through them one night and I found one that matched the date that we first started to talk.

I had a listen but then I read his transcript. And what I read was to change everything…

So… err. Hi. Hi guys. I kind of… don’t really know what to say. I kind of started talking to someone new today. A friend of a friend. And I guess… I guess he’s quite sweet. Very charming. And I think I like him but I don’t think I should tell him. He’s been through a lot. I want to give him a massive hug but he’s like thousands of miles away. It hurts to see because I want to be able to hold him and tell him everything will be okay. Goodness. Erm… that’s it for today. Got an A in math. But that’s about it. So yeah… Bye.

There it was again. That stomach feeling. The turning and the churning. The feeling that there was going to be something coming. Something that was going to happen. There had to be.

Even though Isaac was in Australia. We had potential…

Didn’t we?

I was fooling myself I thought I would ever be happy. At that age all I could think of was love, lust, sex and all those sort of dirty things.

I guess I was always searching, I was searching for something to fill that emotional hole. But for some reason, it was being filled because after speaking for a few weeks, he made something come out of me.

Pervert. Not that!

He made something so strong come out of me, my hidden emotions. He made me open up as a person. He made me the person I am today. He made me the Jason that I am.

I loved him dearly.

Again, More Spoilers ;)

Although, I had a little bit of a problem. Well it really wasn’t my problem. More Lucian’s problem. But I have a habit of taking other people’s problems and making them mine.

He was like a little puppy after that last little bit of meat in its bowl.

And he was still my friend.

His name was Cameron.

And the following day, he was going to become even more of a problem for me.

A bigger problem than I anticipated…

 

**

 

Email: stalkerofthecows@hotmail.com to Jason_wenterfield@hotmail.co.uk

Hey Jason, err… I really don’t know how to say this so I’m just going to email it to you.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry that I haven’t spoken to you in a while, I guess I was afraid. Afraid of hurting you again. I needed to pick myself up and brush myself down and make sure I get everything out in the open.

And that’s why I’m going to state the blunt facts.

I’m in love with you. And I have been for a very long time. Since the first time I met you in fact. I was just stuck behind Lucian so I couldn’t allow my true emotions to come forward. I have an undying passion that water cannot quench. I love you Jason.

And I’m afraid I always will.

Your Loving Friend

Cameron.

 

**

 

I ran my finger along the spine of the journal, looking into the fireplace and with that I was at peace for a few precious moments.

I didn’t know what to do.

I didn’t know what to say.

I looked into the fire, deeper and deeper and thought about him.

Thought about the lies he told…

The letters he showed me, the diary entries he sent me. I read them all. Over and over, in my obsession. I sit there for hours on end analysing the past. Trying to figure out what I could do to change the inevitable future.

I sat there and I remembered.

I remembered how he changed everything...