Scars Upon Your Heart - 4. Part 4

Someone somewhere was about to find out what it was to love, and what it was to hate…

Late.

The moon is dark tonight.

I often look at the moon.

So late.

I could go to the bar.

I could pick up one man. Just the one. No need to be greedy. I could take him and he could be mine on Hemmingway Avenue.

Cameron wouldn’t be happy.

He didn’t want other men in the house.

But there were so many. So much ripe meat. So much to be mine.

Virgins. So many of them and all of them could be mine.

But what am I thinking?

I’ve already ruined two lives.

I refuse to ruin another.

Although the chance to take another back is just so tempting. Oh the temptation.

Oh to just adventure into the crooks and areas that should never be explored.

What would I pay to have that new feeling or experience every time me and Cameron did it.

Not that I’m saying Cameron is boring. Of course he’s not. He’s very large and very comforting. And Christ is he good in bed.

I don’t know why I do it.

Love, I suppose.

I don’t know why I test fate. I don’t know why I take too many chances. I just don’t know anymore.

Let us go then, you and I. It was dark that night, that fateful night…

I took someone back once. Only once.

I kept it quiet. Stayed in the spare room.

I did it in the spare room…

With a man that isn’t my partner.

And you know the worst thing?

My partner was in the other room.

What kind of pig am I?

What am I?

Oh Jesus, how I wish I knew. I wish I knew.

I was crying. I was crying so much.

After the build up. After the release. It was so nice but at what cost?

Another piece of another person’s heart stolen.

How could I?

How could I have done so many bad things?

I guess it doesn’t matter now.

I’ve set the date that it’s going to happen and people won’t change my mind.

It’s all over now.

It’s not worth trying anymore…

Oh that man. He was good. He was very good but just could not get those images of Cameron alone, sat there. Sat there alone. He was so lonely; I was never there to comfort him.

I loved him.

Why did I never stay to comfort him?

Why was I not loyal?

Why did I not stay?

He would cry for hours and I would cry for hours. Oh I can’t stand weeping.

I hate to see someone cry. Especially a friend…

I hate it.

I hate myself.

I’ve always hated myself.

I’m not worth the words on this page.

Kill me.

Kill my mind and kill my carnal desires.

That’s right, destroy me.

I’ve never been so desperate.

The guilt of so many years is flushing through me. Yes…

You can’t own me! Nobody can own me ever. I am my own person, not some wrapped up little child to be cared for!

I am my own man! I am an uncontrollable beast…

Yes the guilt, the unavoidable guilt.

I hate it.

I hate myself.

I can’t…

I JUST CAN’T DO THIS ANYMORE!

**

Someone somewhere had lost their way on the ‘Road to Happiness’

It was the morning after. The morning after that mistake that will stain my life forever.

The morning after the night before. The night before the time with that man.

I laid there naked, exposed.

I knew I was never going to be happy. I had a chance for happiness.

I always had that once chance of happiness…

I ushered him out, Cameron had already gone to work and I called the one I knew would make me happy. He was next door but I didn’t care…

‘Hello it’s me.’

He didn’t seem too happy. ‘What do you want?’

‘I needed to talk.’

‘Well hang on.’

A few minutes later.

‘Yes?’

‘I just need to hear someone’s voice.’

‘Are you not feeling too good then Luc?’

‘I love that nickname.’ It made me give a little smile.

‘Would you like to come over? I mean, my house is empty and it gets kind of lonely and Cameron won’t be home from work for at least another two hours…’

I thought about whether I should go and then just thought ‘fuck the rules’ and answered him.

‘Yeah, I’ll just get some clothes on.’

I quickly got into a t-shirt and some slacks and ran downstairs and to next door. I knocked the door and Jason answered in his pyjamas and a pair of fluffy slippers.

I always used to think he was so adorable. But I can’t have him. I couldn’t have him. I had Cameron. I loved Cameron. At least, I think I did…

‘Hello sweetie.’ Jason smiled and ruffled my hair a little and invited me in. We sat in his cosy living room. His living room was quite a classical drawing room whereas we had our room as quite a modern take on the living rooms of the 1950's. Cameron just absolutely hated things that were old. He kind of hated that living room but compromise is the basis of a relationship I suppose. But, I had to do everything that Cameron wanted. I just had to.

‘I came over because I’m scared, Jason…’

‘Why are you scared? Is it something I’ve done?’

‘Oh no its not you, it couldn’t ever be you. You’ve never done anything wrong…’

‘Who is it then?’

‘It… It’s Cameron.’

‘What has he done? If he’s hurt you then by god…’

‘No he hasn’t hurt me. I’m… I’m just scared of him. I love him. At least I think I love him. In fact I do…’

‘You don’t seem one hundred percent sure. Are you sure you love him? Love should be passionate and it should be as Dickens says ‘Unquestioning Self Humiliation’.’

‘I don’t need your quotations now Jason. I just can’t leave him. He is older; I know it is only by a year or so but it feels like he is so much older. I just find something attractive him in that I just cannot resist…’

‘But when it comes to matters of the heart?’

‘Empty. I feel nothing.’

‘I think maybe you ought to tell him. You can’t go on living a lie Lucian. You just can’t.’

The phone rang. I knew who it was. It was just a case of waiting to hear what he had to say.

Jason answered, as usual in his ‘trained’ voice that he learnt from being a lecturer. He always managed to keep Cameron calm. Always had his way with him.

I never really knew how he did it. He just had a sort of friendly connection with him.

I’m glad somebody does.

I mean, if Cameron didn’t have me; he would have wasted most of his life.

He would have wasted it.

If he didn’t have me…

He would have had no one.

Jason got off the phone.

He told me that it was Cameron calling. Cameron said I wasn’t at his house.

Of course, Jason covered for me. I wanted him to cover for me. We had been good friends for so long. So long…

He asked where I was and they got into a long conversation, a good portion of which Jason left the room. I never intrude on their private time. They talk a lot together. They trust each other.

I must let Cameron have someone to talk to... I guess he’d go insane if he didn’t have anyone else to talk to.

**

Someone somewhere was about to lie to the one they loved, with some dire consequences…

The rain was strong once more. It was as he feared. The large figure put his umbrella up to protect his hair from the rain. He had been sitting in the park. Alone. He needed to refresh his mind. He needed the time alone to think.

He knew about what was happening. Lucian didn’t like to spend time with him. He never enjoyed his time with him. He much preferred to stay with Jason at his house.

But the figure at night in the dark loved him. No matter what happened he loved him. He was once so fond of him but he took a risky step and the risk was ever so worth it because it blossomed into love. Uncontrollable love. He was scared. He didn’t want to lose him because of loving him so dearly.

He wouldn’t be able to handle losing him. He knew he was there. He knew he was at the house. He wished they would not lie to him. That was his only wish. Absolute truth. No more lies, no more sleeping around. Just a chance to have normality. A chance to be a couple. A happy couple.

But deep down in the recesses of his heart, he knew that he would never have that chance.

They were lovers. Of course they were. They loved so passionately in their bedroom but, he was afraid that they were not ‘in love’.

What a grave mistake he felt he had made.

He wanted to own him. For him to be his little brother to guide and love eternally. The obsession he felt was not doing him any good. It was like suffocation.

His love was suffocating him and the hand on the throat was getting increasingly tighter…

Until the day, that he won’t be able to take any breath…

He began to walk, with the rain getting heavier and heavier.

He stood under a bus stop to the centre of town. It was time for him to do the shopping. Regular as clockwork. How he followed the regular patterns of daily life. No chance of escape.

He knew.

He always knew.

He wished.

Cameron truly wished for a better tomorrow that may never come…

**

Someone somewhere is going to experience true jealousy and is going to realise that love has just been sitting there on his doorstep, waiting for him…

Jason was unhappy. I would watch and I could see he was unhappy. I could see that he needed someone. He really needed someone. You could just see it in his eyes.

Oh those eyes… They were not perfect but that was what made them so beautiful. Their uniqueness.

One sunny afternoon I was looking out of my curtains and I saw someone arriving with a few suitcases moving into Jason’s house. Being the nosey person that I am, I went out of the front door to see if I could talk to him.

‘Hello, are you moving in?’

‘Yes. I’m Isaac. Please to meet you. You must be Lucian? Jason’s told me all about you. Horny little bugger you. ‘He laughed deeply with his smooth Australian accent. I felt kind of violated. He knew about me. I guess you just talk about people in general but I just felt a little uncomfortable. Maybe I was just paranoid. Yeah, I was just paranoid.

Jason came bursting out of the house and pretty much threw himself onto Isaac and I felt my stomach churn. I shot a look that could kill at Jason, who was looking over Isaac’s shoulder. He just beamed a smile at me.

He was far too happy to have his precious Isaac with him. Jesus, I felt so spiteful…

Although he was happy.

I guess that is all that matters. His happiness.

I really felt as if my world was closing in around me. I didn’t ‘love’ my partner and the one I wish I could have, was gone. Lost, probably forever. Lost to someone else because I was so foolish in the start. They can work. Those sorts of relationships can work if the right amount of effort is put in them.

Oh no… Help me… I really was beginning to lose hope in everything…

That was when the epiphany happened. No joke. Well, it felt like one. At least I think it was, it could have been a bit of mouldy pizza I had eaten the night before…

Besides. I could turn to him. The one that has always been there. He had always waited for me. Always nurtured me and never did me any wrong. Cameron. I guess you can learn to love. Hell, I know people that are unhappy in relationships and they learnt to love each other. And then there were relationships that broke up due to this so called ‘happiness’, Cameron’s parents for example. Divorced because of his Dad’s bad drinking habits. Poor Cameron. I often wondered if the reason why I first fell ‘in love’ with him was out of pity. But then I realised who he was. That strong beautiful beast of man. His smile, his personality…

What was I thinking about? I didn’t love him. I never loved him. I still love Jason. Yes, that’s right. I love Jason. I had to love someone… It’s not like I was lonely again, it’s just that I’m an attention whore.

I had to love Cameron. Even if it was for my own sanity. I had to try to salvage our relationship. It was one night in bed, we were snuggled as we often did and Cameron was feeling more emotional than usual…

**

His eyes were welling up as he turned to Lucian and wrapped his arms round his bare waist. They were naked as usual and Lucian had been giving some strong attention to Cameron under the covers. Cameron pulled Lucian up and placed Lucian’s head upon his chest.

Lucian looked at him, disappointed ‘I was enjoying myself down there, why did you stop me?’

‘I guess I just feel dirty.’

‘Why is that?’

‘I feel about that big’ displaying his fingers, ‘because you go around sleeping with so many. I don’t know why I haven’t left you.’ He pushed Lucian off of him onto the pillow, ‘It's because I love you. With all my heart. My stupid little immature heart, through everything, I love you.’

‘I have been wrong.’ Lucian smiled.

‘Don’t smile at me. Sorry, but this isn’t the time. I… I can’t take it anymore.’

‘You know where the door is Cameron. I don’t want you to leave but you got to do what you got to, I suppose.’

‘I don’t want to leave, I never want to leave.’ Cameron moved to stand up, ‘I just can’t have you treating this like A Dolls’ House and me like your Antique Victorian Doll that you can just play with and throw away when you get bored of it. You are either committed to me or you won’t have me. I just can’t love you when you constantly go out and cheat on me. Do you know how it feels?’

Lucian simply couldn’t muster the words to say to Cameron. This was one of the only times in his life, he felt remorse for his actions. And in his own state of mind, he wasn’t happy about it…

‘Don’t you know how it feels to have a broken heart every weekend over and over again? Every time you come back with those disgusting things, who I can’t even class as men. Do you tell them about me? Do you? I want some fucking answers!’ Cameron moved to strike but stepped back, horrified by his own thought.

‘I… I…’ Lucian stumbled. ‘I don’t know what to say…’

‘I just want you to promise me something.’

‘What? Anything!’

‘Give me back the old Lucian. What happened to him? The one that was honest, was emotional, and had that little sense of integrity to himself. And more importantly what happened to your passion? I lay there and I watch you and you don’t enjoy our sex life anymore, I can tell by your eyes. What can I do to make our relationship like it was, those many years ago?’

Then it started. The only talent Lucian ever had, other than money handling of course. The art of seduction. He started with his eyes and moved to his broad chest and finished up playing around his waist area. It was of course successful. And their problems were solved. Until the next time Cameron had a breakdown.

Little did they know there would not be a next time.

**

I managed to salvage it from the dragon’s teeth as a historian might say. We made love. Such passionate and integral love. We hadn’t made love in so long. We had sex. Lots of sex. But never any love making. To make love there has to be that passion or that fire behind it and we hadn’t, if I am honest, for at least a good six months and Christ did it feel good.

Cameron had told me that he had almost forgotten what ‘real sex’ felt like.

And to an extent, I did agree.

But I still thought there was something wrong. He can’t have just forgiven me. He just wouldn’t make mad passionate love to me…

He just wouldn’t. I guess I was just very insecure and incredibly paranoid but that doubt stayed in my mind and to this day it still haunts me.

I guess it will always haunt me, to my grave…

**

Someone somewhere is going to change perspective on things and see them in a different light…

I was nervous. I had always been a nervous person. I’m naturally quite large so you would think I was quite imposing but no. I struggled to make many friends at high school. They all used to think I was weird or strange. I was on the school radio network so I would turn up to school in a suit and tie. I would get evils walking down the corridor to the studio. School was hard for me. This ultimately had a strong psychological effect on me. My mother abandoned us and my father was a drunkard. I really had no way out. When I finally escaped to be with Lucian, I thought I was free. I thought I was entirely liberated both personally and sexually. But no I was not. He would torture me by sleeping with others and when I let my heart out to him, he would just brush it off by giving me such sweet love that he would, in the short term, make me forget all about my troubles and just focus on the pair of us. But the scars were still there. The pains of love. I loved him. You hear me, I loved him!

I’ve tried so hard to not love him but he is just so irresistible. I find him to be the peak of sexual diversion. Don’t get me wrong, he is intelligent and emotional. But it is his body I desire the most. He may not have been perfect. But he was mine.

There was one time when I had become what I never wanted to be.

For one evening and one evening only, I turned into my father and I eternally regret that fact…

**

‘Where have you been?’ It was three in the morning. Cameron was sat in the living room waiting. He had been brewing, ready for the ensuing fight.

Lucian, drunk as he usually was when he came back said, ‘Nowhere just out. Something wrong?’

‘Lucian, its three in the bloody morning. I said be home by twelve at the latest.’

‘Lost track of time.’ Lucian leant against the table and pretty much sat on it.

‘You lost track of time.’ Cameron felt a fury he had never felt before, a fury that would soon overcome him.

‘Yeah, I was at one bar then got dragged to another.’

‘Ever thought of me? What I want to do? I just want a quiet life.’

‘But what if I don’t? I want to enjoy my time and not be bored with you at home. There I said it. Happy now?’ Lucian gave him a cheeky wink.

That was what set him off. The wink. The unbearable cheekiness of Lucian. Cameron calmly stood and moved towards Lucian. He raised his hand behind his head and struck Lucian hard across the face.

‘Don’t you ever speak to me like that again. You hear me?’

As soon as he had said what he said and performed the action he felt guilty. It was to be that passion, that unruling passion that makes fools of us all that started the eventual splinter of their relationship. One little tiny crack in the window screen of life, causing a larger crack much deeper inside.

From that moment it seeded Lucian’s physical and emotional fear of leaving Cameron and it seeded Cameron’s insecurity about Lucian. Lucian managed to hold himself together…

As he grew, he gained much greater self control. What was what he needed, it would always be needed if you were to be in a relationship with Lucian. Self Control. Patience. And above all, an ability to eternally forgive…

Eventually, they made up but the splinter was too great. That one action would be the one thing he would regret for the rest of his life and it would be the action that Lucian never forgot…

Cameron truly was the jealous type.

But he had every reason to be.

Didn’t he?

**

Looking through his flight information, he was in deep thought.

He was going to do it. He was going to change his life.

Take a new outlook.

He was going to leave everything behind and start afresh.

Leave Jason to pick up the pieces…

And there were so many pieces of Lucian’s heart to be salvaged…