Scars Upon Your Heart - 3. Part 3

Someone somewhere is about to bite the bullet and tell someone how they truly feels.

… Your Loving Friend

Cameron…

I read that email so many times. It was strange. I had emotion for him back then. I pitied him. I really did. I never did take him. I never did become united with him. Too much effort and I learnt after the disaster with Lucian that I was never going to go back to then, although, Isaac was a fun experience. Still…

Besides, Cameron had moved to next door to Lucian by some odd coincidental twist of fate. Very coincidental, very…

Strange.

Cameron I guess was just in a set of desperation. Going for any sort of attention and it kind of disgusted me. I didn’t like it. You shouldn’t want that many people. I guess there was more than just me and Lucian that he wanted.

I had to be nice. I had to be nice to him. Well as nice as I could be.

Jason: Look, Cameron I’m sorry.

Cameron: What? Was it that email? Oh…

Jason: I’m taken and there’s nothing you can do about it. I’m happy with Isaac. So just pack up and shift off.

Cameron: oh… but I thought you were going to be happy with me?

Jason: Wake up and smell the coffee darling. No one likes you. The only reason why Lucian still talks to you is because he’s scared.

Cameron: Wow. Just shove the cake right down my throat why don’t you. I’ll just leave you alone now. Way to give me my cake and eat it there Jason. I’ll just leave you alone.

And he did. For weeks. We only spoke the odd bit of ‘hey, how are you’ and all that stuff. But whenever we did speak I felt a certain amount of tension. It never really went away…

I felt bad after a while for ignoring him. I think he ran to Lucian so many times about me, Lucian must really hate me.

But who am I to talk. You must already hate me anyways…

Someone somewhere is going to reflect on what has happened and how it can improve them as a person.

A few years had passed. What whirlwind time…

So much to tell and so little time to share it with you. I loved and lost Isaac. Of course, I loved him passionately but we had to go our separate ways. He came from a Catholic family and they were quite controlling. I wish we never had to but we had to. It was for the better. He returned to Australia whilst I stayed in boring old England.

I had completed my BA in English Literature at The University of Oxford. Yes, I was very good at what I did. It was time to study for postgraduate and I had decided with no regret to go for the University of Harvard.

I had been packing with my mother for the move over to America. I think I had everything. I hoped. Such a sudden change of status again in my life.

 

Do you think it hit me?

Of course it did. It was like a knife being driven through my heart. When he had to leave, I couldn’t bear looking at him. The airport it was silent apart from his voice…

 

**

 

‘Jason, I’m sorry. But my family wants me to study in Australia considering we lived there for quite a long while. I’m lucky to even have come here with them.’

My eyes were welling up but I had to keep it together. I had to be strong, if not for me, then for him. ‘It’s fine. We can be together again one day.’

There was silence.

‘Yes well, my plane is boarding so I should get on. So long.’ He just turned away, not a thank you, not a pat on the back not even a direct look. You probably think I was being quite oversensitive but that’s the way I was and always have been. It’s nobody’s fault except my own.

I hated to see him walk away from me but I knew it was for the best.

 

**

 

My mother came into my room and started to giggle, starling me from my memories.

‘All is done.’ She ticked something off on her list. ‘Only thing you need now is underwear in your box, and then it’s all finished.’

‘Wow thanks Mum. I’m going to miss you.’

‘I know you will. Despite all the arguments and fall outs, you know that I have always loved you. And your father too.’ She hugged Jason. ‘Whatever you do, I will always be proud of you.’

‘Thank you so much. I guess we should get this last box in the car.’ Jason placed the box of underwear in his mother’s hands and walked out of the room. She smiled and sighed and then followed him.

‘So, America. The sunny land. Make sure you use sun cream daily; your skin won’t be used to the intense sunlight for a little while, so stay inside as much as you can. Wow. Harvard. I’m so very proud’.

 

‘I know it’s amazing isn’t it. 3 A’s and I got in. Where’s Dad?’

‘Oh, he’s in the car. He’s driving. I’m not feeling too well.’ Jason took the box off his mother.

‘Okay, I’ll carry this then. I’m sorry.’

‘No, no it’s fine. Okay, you can carry it. I’ll get in the car.’

She went outside of the front door and headed to the overly packed car. There was no way I was going to get all of this through customs. But they arranged it so all three of us took a flight and carried just enough luggage each for the flight, all of it being mine. My mother and father would buy their clothes when they got there, even though they would be returning to England within a few days, staying just long enough with me in order for me to get settled in and also to buy some spare clothes to travel home in. They always loved to travel on backpack but you can’t really do that on such a long haul flight to America.

The drive was long to London. We spent hours reminiscing about the good times. It was the best of times; it was the worst of times sort of thing. But it was a time for change. And this change was welcomed by some but rejected by so many. My parents were pleased I was going to university. My mother was proud that I was leaving home, but she had something inside of her that made her nervous. Despite her not treating me right when I was younger. When I became a ‘man’, she started to become more involved in my life. That’s the problem, she sometimes cared that little bit too much. My dad always said that it was my life. I remember him telling my mother about what he thought about my situation.

‘Come on darling, it’s his life. He has to make his mistakes. We just have to be there for him when he needs us and be there as a supporting shoulder. We have to sever the ropes sometime and he knew this. We have to let him go to let him truly live.’

I am to study some of the greatest authors in the history of mankind. Chaucer. Williams. Shakespeare. All in a one year course. English Literature has always been a haven for me. A chance to escape into the realm of books and the world of creativity. That is all I’ve ever wanted. A little bit of an escape.

Someone somewhere is about to make a discovery and they are not going to like it.

We arrived at the university a few days later. It was all hustle and bustle. Students going up and down corridors, going past corridors and bumping into other people. Students studying in the grounds, despite it being the first day. They must be the later years. Besides, we arrived for the initial welcoming from the academics. You know, the posh snooty tea and coffee with wine and cheese. All the different ingredients that make the perfect garden party. Most people were dressed up in their best formal suits and here we were in jeans and a t shirt. We really stood out.

‘So, I presume you didn’t know there is a dress code’. There was a lady behind us and we turned to talk to her.

‘Professor Joanne Van Der Woude. English Literature.’

I smiled brightly. ‘Oh brilliant, Jason Wenterfield. English Literature student.’

‘Ah… what modules shall you be taking?’

‘Most of them. My favourite module will be Shakespeare and The Restoration’.

‘What a coincidence. That is the module that I am covering this year. Normally, I would be lecturing the Romantics and The Victorians but I have been drafted to teach about the restoration writers from Defoe…’

‘And most importantly Wycherley. The Country Wife. Studied it as part of my dissertation in the UK.’

‘I noticed your quite strong accent. I’m sure you will fit in. And these must be your parents.’

My parents muttered a few words, shy as ever. They aren’t really the talkative type but it gets them in the mood I suppose. Professor Van Der Woude moved on to another group, with red wine in hand.

‘Ladies and Gentlemen. Anyone who has not been on a campus tour could you follow me for your tour. Please bring your pink tickets with you.’

We took a wander round the campus and stopped in front of one of the buildings. The surroundings were beautiful but then I looked at the building. The great white pillars, made from the finest marble. This had to be one of the classrooms; it couldn’t have been the dorms…

To be honest, I wasn’t really concentrating, I was more in awe.

‘Jason, concentrate. This is the Dean’s office. You know the twit in charge.’ My mother whacked me on the arm.

I whispered back, ‘Mum you can’t say things like that!’

She always knew how to make me giggle.

‘This is the Dean of creative arts’ office and where we end our tour. If you would like to follow me, I will give you directions as to where to drive your cars for each individual student’s dorm. Thank you for listening.’

We collected my information and we got into the car that we rented and we sat quietly until Dad decided to talk.

‘Son, are you sure you want to do this?’

‘Quite sure.’

‘Remember, you can always come home if you need to. Only call and we will be here as soon as we can be.’

‘You really don’t need to worry Dad. Is there anything else you need to get off your chests?’

‘Just that you are in a totally different location and we know how much you get lost or confused. We just don’t want you to be this far away.’

‘I have to tackle my challenges. I have to face them head on or I will never learn. I’m sorry but I want to do this on my own. It’s only through extreme circumstances that I will learn these things.’

‘But son…’

‘No buts. You can be there to support me. I’ll give you a phone call every few days. I’ll miss home. I know I will.’

‘And we will miss you too Jason. Just don’t be shy.’

‘I won’t ever. And that’s a promise.’

‘Thanks. We needed this.’ My mother said giving a smile.

I gave a sigh of relief and suddenly I was entirely at peace. We arrived at the apartment that I was going to staying at. I didn’t want to stay in dorms so my parents arranged for me to stay in an apartment with three other students. One person in their senior year and then two others that were in a second year of masters, one doing medicine and one doing journalism. I don’t know what course the senior is on. I’ll find out when I move in I suppose.

We arrived at the house at about quarter past 12. The tour had gone on for long enough.

I look back at these moments, you know. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I did things a little differently. If I had given myself the chance to do stuff with bit more of a grand flair. But there is no point looking back on old mistakes. Should always look to the future, that’s what my grandma always used to say. I had already spent so many years in education; I often wondered why I wanted to spend more in there. More time. Of course, knowing what I know now, I know that it was worth it. I never really got the ‘student experience’ in my bachelors. No real opportunity. I never went out, I never got drunk and I never really went to parties. Just stayed in on my own and spoke to people online or with my housemates. I don’t really talk to my housemates much anymore. Not since I moved to America. Am I happy? Yes, I am. I’m happy I moved to the land of the free and all that codswallop about the Americans.

The house was quite nice, a little porch with a bench in front of it. Surprisingly nice for student accommodation. There was even a lantern hanging above the door. It was the little touches I always liked; those little touches that made a place a home.

We entered the house; I had already arranged to have a key posted to our British address. I looked around, everything was a light colour. Everything was positive. Such a nice house to live in; nothing like my old accommodation. My room had just a bed, a wash basin, a desk and the smallest of cupboards. I shared my shower and toilet with 19 other people and it wasn’t the nicest of experiences I’ve ever had. But I learnt about society then, a lot of them are pricks but you do get some genuine people.

‘Right, me and your mother will bring the boxes in and you meet your new housemates.’

I wandered along the corridor when I came to two doors. One had a sign of ‘Home Sweet Home’ attached to it with a ‘Living Room’ sign under it, so I assumed the next door would be the kitchen.

And God was I right.

Part of me wishes I took the other door. But the events that were to follow were inevitable.

There could be not going back on the decision.

No chance of recovery.

For what I saw in that short time gap changed my entire experience.

It was to change everything.

I heard that voice. That sensual alluring voice, that voice…

So long, so pure, so… so… perfect.

It was him.

It was the one I had been waiting for.

‘Hello… Come in, I won’t bite.’ He giggled to himself.

I could barely open my eyes or use my mouth to speak. I was in a state of complete and utter shock.

He was facing the cooker with vegetables on the boil. I dare not respond. I dare not do anything.

First impressions always count and I was not going to ruin this one. Not again.

I moved towards the kitchen counter, a very antique kitchen with wood panels everywhere from the table, to the counter to the walls. White painted walls. Everything leaned towards purity.

I smiled. I sighed. I looked at him and spoke weakly…

‘Lucian… Holy shit…’

He turned quickly and stared in awe and dropped the wooden spoon he was holding.

‘Jason…’

It bounced on the floor.

I had found him. In the most unlikely places I had found him. I was to stay with him for the next 9 months. In the same house.

Surely, I was in heaven. But, deep inside, I knew, I could have been in Hell…

He picked up the spoon and I moved away.

‘Nice to finally see you I guess.’ He looked over at me as I had left the room. What a terrible first impression.

I couldn’t really have done any worse if I had slipped on a banana skin.

I couldn’t look at him. I felt so embarrassed. I don’t know why. I had to go help my parents. Any excuse to avoid his eyes…

We got it all into the corridor and I invited them in. We took a look around the place; I tried to forget about his existence just for a little while, just until my parents were gone…

He stood leaning against the kitchen door, watching me move things about. His dark hair attracted me so, I just couldn’t look him. Just don’t look. Just don’t even look over there. For god’s sake, I said to myself, don’t look at him. Until they are gone… Until they are gone…

I tried to lift my box of crockery and cutlery but it was too much for me. I was a little bit of a weakling then.

‘I can give you a hand with that,’ he said in his dark tone.

He got the other half the box for me and I looked at him again in awe. He had his hand on mine. I was incredibly inexperienced. He was in contact with him, oh how I wanted him there and then but I had to control myself. Remember what happened last time. He is still the same person through and through. He is not someone I should be fantasising over. He helped me lift the box into the kitchen and placed it on the table.

‘Oh how strong you are. Jason, is it? I could have sworn we have met before.’ He smiled with a wink.

He was testing me. My parents didn’t know about GA or any of the things that I accessed. I had to restrain myself.

I had to stop myself from screaming… from yelling… from doing anything until they left.

My father called through, ‘Right Jason it’s all moved in. Me and your mother need to return to our hotel to have a rest before our flight back to England. Come back in here.’

I ran out of the kitchen and grabbed my mother and hugged her as hard as possible. I refused to let go. They loved me and I loved them and really, I didn’t want them to leave.

I was an adult at 22 but in my heart of hearts I was still a little mummy’s boy.

But, for my own benefit, I had to let them leave.

‘Thanks Mum.’ I kissed her on the cheek and I turned to Dad.

‘I love you Dad.’ I grabbed his hand and shook it. He smiled and nodded and they left.

I thought the first stage of life was difficult…

But the hardest part was yet to come…

Someone somewhere is about to confront their daemons and they have been immortalised in a human form…

I didn’t want to go back in there. I didn’t want to face him. But I knew I would have to.

I took it slowly but carefully. I came back into the kitchen and he was gone.

Must have finished his food.

I called out cautiously, ‘Lucian?’

‘I’m in the living room, it’s opposite the kitchen.’

I followed the sound of his voice.

‘Now you’ve found me, maybe you can explain to me how the hell this happened?’ he asked me, lounging on the sofa.

‘I haven’t the foggiest…’

‘Foggiest, I love the Brits and their use of language.’

‘I don’t know. My parents arranged it with a private landlord and well one thing led to another and here we are stuck with each other. Isn’t it great?’

Lucian didn’t respond.

‘So anyway, I know already about you because of how we initially met. Is there anything you need to tell me?’

‘Not really. It’s nice to know each other at last, I suppose.’

‘When did you move in?’

‘Early morning. You know, my parents work hard and I had to get here early, or risk having to drive here myself and getting lost. You know what I’m like. Of course you do…’

I stood for a few seconds, staring down at him on the white leather sofa. How could I afford this?

There must have been something going on, and there was. My parents remortgaged their house in England. They got another loan on top of the multiple bills they had. But it was their decision and I would not have changed their minds. I could never have changed their minds.

I paused again. I couldn’t bring myself to do anything. It was as if my body was lost in my own mind.

It was sudden.

Like in the movies.

He stood. I moved closer.

We… embraced…

It was a little touch of heaven was given to me…

It was a miracle.

His body, his scent, his style. It was all so perfect.

We were in shock. The pair of us waiting for so long to be together and now it was finally happening. At last we could be together, as one. We fit perfectly, his wiry frame locking with my larger body. It was the ultimate sensation.

Real love. Inevitable love. To be fond of each other was a true step towards falling in love…

We were held in that embrace for minutes even though it felt like an hour.

‘Wow… So this is what it feels like.’

‘Sorry what?’

‘I’ve always wanted your touch, even when we first met. I always thought of your touch.’ A tear dropped down his face.

‘Wow… Thank you.’ I rested his head further on my shoulder and stroked his hair. ‘I’m here now. You don’t have to worry.’

This sense of intimacy was not to last. If anything, I wanted it to but I wouldn’t be able to stroke him and protect him like I should have been able to . No. That was not how he rolled. That was not how he liked to do things. He went off, went to the bars. Found out what it was like to have a ‘real’ life. In passing we spoke but he wouldn’t me near him. I felt like I had done something horribly wrong. I felt so guilty for actions that I didn’t even know that I had carried out.

After that one embrace, that one special moment that a regular relationship would cherish there was nothing. Nothing but emotional destruction and an eternal loss of hope…

I guess it must be goodbye. Goodbye to where I was raised and born. It must be so long England.

I will miss where I came from. I will miss the great sounds of the sea air and the hustle and bustle of London. But I know I will be fine. America is just as busy and can be just as quiet. I know I will be fine. So long England. Hello America!

Lucian was hoping to study for his JD at the end of his basic Law course; he was insane, spending so long in education. But I spent roughly the same, so I cannot argue the point.

We both went out together, of course. We went to the local bars, clubs. I had my experience of booze and drugs. God was it fun.

And of course, the sex.

The meaningless sex. The sex you have because you think it is right to have sex.

I learnt, through my years, that sex shouldn’t be something you play with. It should be precious between two partners.

But god did it feel good to have something else in that area. It was nice to experiment.

It was nice to do something different.

There really wasn’t much faithfulness around in those days. Everyone slept with everyone. Everyone thought everyone was clean. In fact, a lot of people were. But you got some people, the stalkers. Those that waited for the weak victims to spread such deadly diseases.

I was, I guess, one of the lucky ones. I avoided it all and I hope Lucian did too.

I remember one time; we were both alone in the house. It was a few weeks after I had moved in. The couple that were moving in with us had arranged to move in the week before term started. I moved in early to avoid the student rush, if you know what I mean. Besides, they had written us the most wonderful letter.

I remember that day when Lucian had a read of the letter…

‘Dear Mr. J and L Wenterfield.’

Lucian picked up the letter and scowled at me. ‘Is this some kind of a joke?’

‘What?’ He passed me the letter. ‘I knew nothing about this.’

Lucian snatched the letter back off of me and looked at me with cold and evil eyes which made me feel about two inches tall.

‘Oh. It’s a bureaucratic mistake. They thought we were married. Stupid landlord. Anyway, a new couple are moving in next week.’

He looked at the names.

‘Oh, some old school friends. This should be interesting.’

He grunted then screwed the letter up and threw it on the counter and walked off.

I felt so rejected. He wasn’t happy. He clearly wasn’t happy.

He didn’t want to live with me.

He didn’t even want to be near me.

And for the life of me, I could never figure out what it was that I had done wrong, or whether I had done anything at all…

Someone somewhere is going through a few changes, in incredibly unusual ways…

It was an average Saturday afternoon, a few weeks after I had moved in. Things were going smoothly when the doorbell rang.

‘Lucian, get it.’ His music blaring from his room and I could barely hear his response.

‘Sorry in the shower. Down in a second you get it.’

He always used the shower excuse. I swear he just spent his entire life living in the shower. Ah well, he was kind of a clean freak. A major clean freak.

So anyways, I went to the door and looked through the keyhole and saw it was two people. One shorter woman, red hair and quite a vacant expression. It was definitely, from how Lucian described her, Louise. Then there was, I assumed Jared who was in ways very similar to Lucian, quite tall and dark hair. But instead he had long wavy hair; it really did look quite sexy. Lucky Louise. The girls always seem to bag the good ones.

I saw they had quite a few bags with them, so it had to be the two of them. You can never be too careful with house callers, Mother used to get stuck talking to Jehovah’s Witnesses for hours on end. One time, I just went up to them after an hour and said ‘Sorry, we believe in Satanism and we sacrifice cows’. And then I slammed the door shut. They never did come to our house again.

They rang the door bell once again, so being sure it was them I opened the door wide to them. Lucian raced down the stairs into the corridor. He was quickly dressed in his quite loose pyjamas, which really showed off the good bits of him. I stared for a few seconds before snapping back into view and smiled.

‘So you must be Jared and you must be Louise.’

Jared was the first to speak. ‘We most certainly are. How are you doing, Jason, I suppose?’ He had a really nice tone to his voice. I looked at the pair of them. Lucian then Jared. I could have sworn they were getting more similar by the second…

‘Yes, I’m Jason.’ Jared turned around and bent over and grabbed the bags giving me such a wonderful view.

That was when she spoke. ‘I guess you are havin’ fun my darlin’, living here in this state.’ She had the most atrocious of southern accents. It wasn’t only southern, it was mixed with Scottish. But I grinned and bore it. She may have the looks but by gods truth she definitely didn’t have the voice.

Lucian smiled watching Jared and looked at Louise and said, ‘Do you want to come into the living area so we don’t get in Jared’s way? We know just how much Jared loves touching thick long things don’t we?’

I shot a dirty look at Lucian; I knew what he was getting at. Luckily, Louise was dumb enough not to notice. We moved into the living area and Louise sat on the sofa with Lucian, whilst I sat on the armchair.

‘So you boys must be in university. I am in my senior year if I do say so myself.’ Her accent like a nail on a chalk board to my ear. ‘I’m doing Community Studies with Creative Writing myself at the local community college. They said I she began to talk in quotes “was not intelligent enough for this institution.”’ She came in close to me and whispered right next to my face, ‘But I think it was because they thought I was too purty for the place.’ What foul breath! I had to hold back my disgust and amusement at her predicament.

She just talked. And talked. And she didn’t shut up. We could hardly get a word in edgewise, Jared came into the room about an hour later, after she was still blurting out that horrible noise.

 

‘All unpacked.’ I could tell he had slightly picked up the southern accent, but not as much as he could have. He moved into the room and sat between Lucian and Louise on the sofa.

‘So yeah, we are getting married at the end of the year, isn’t that wonderful? Said we would at fourteen years old and here we are now, eight months from marriage.’ She sighed, ‘Ahh, la vie.’

‘I have the invitations for the both of you. I know we have only just met you Jason but I’m sure we can sort a little out, any friend of Lucian’s is a friend of ours.’

I looked at Lucian at confusion but he winked at me and I suddenly got it. He had already put a word in for me.

How sweet of him.

‘Anyway, me and Lucian. We go way back. Don’t we?’

‘Oh yes, I’ve seen things even your Mommy would be afraid of, Louise.’

‘Oh so have I darlin’, so have I.’

They both burst out into a laughing fit.

‘You see Jason,’ he turned to me, ‘We went to elementary school and high school together, some of the best time of our lives. I wish we could go back to those days. Times were so much simpler, back then.’ They were all so content, I presumed because Lucian was a posh boy he never picked up the accent. Lucky for him. He would be gone in a second if he had that kind of a voice…

I smiled at him as the conversation carried on. What was quite strange about the conversation is Jared was quite distracted; he kept focusing in on Lucian’s eyes and holding contact. Then his eyes wandered up and down him. I thought we should give it a test, so about halfway through the conversation I winked at Lucian, hopefully giving him a big enough signal.

‘So, Jared. How is your work life? Exciting? I suppose.’ He moved his leg to brush deliberately up Jared’s. This caused a certain reaction below Jared’s stomach which he had to readjust in his seat for. Now if that wasn’t obvious, I don’t know what is.

Louise stared into space but suddenly jerked to stand, ‘I need the toilet. Jason can you show me where it is?’

‘Of course I can,’ I said whilst getting up to show her the way. I let her leave first, I then turned around and mouthed ‘Good Luck’ at Lucian for his escapade into finding out exactly what Jared was thinking about. I knew it was wrong. Oh how I knew it was wrong but we had to find out. Being the nosey so and so that I was, I had a thirst to know what I shouldn’t have known.

And so did Lucian but to a much greater extent…

 

**

 

Lucian looked around, trying to find an excuse to move. That was when he saw how to do it. That little glint in Jared’s eye.

‘So, your life sounds ever so busy. When do you find time to let yourself go?’ Lucian placed his hand on Jared’s leg towards his knee.

‘Oh, Louise keeps me happy I suppose. Well, it does keep me happy. It does.’ He giggled nervously.

‘Well, if you need any help. I mean I’ve seen it before.’ He moved his hand further up Jared’s leg. ‘I’m more than willing to give a little relief.’

He looked towards him and looked him in eyes. ‘I’ll do anything…’

‘Err… Lucian. What? Where is your hand going. Look’ Jared spouted out in a nervous tone.

Lucian moved his hand around the back of Jared’s neck and he leaned in to take the kiss…

 

**

 

I opened the door and saw Lucian taking the final move.

‘I see you guys are getting on quite well’. I giggled and looked at Lucian who was giving me the most dirty of looks.

‘So, Jared. I think you have some explaining to do now we’ve caught you.’

He started to sweat and rubbed the back of his neck. He was really nervous. Lucian crossed his legs, obviously quite uncomfortable. I found out later on that he really wanted to take it further, he really wanted more. Meh, his loss. Not mine.

‘Okay guys, I guess I should be honest. I… I’m bi. But I’m faithful to Louise. I couldn’t cheat on her. Before I met her, I did a bit of… well exploration. We were 14 at the time. About three months before I got together with Louise…’

Lucian had been with Jared. They had been together then… They can’t have done everything. It was before we met. But they can’t have gone all the way. They can’t have, they were so young…

‘We didn’t go all the way. Played with each other, touched each other you know. The things young boys do.’

I was…

Jealous.

I wanted Lucian for my own.

Depressing isn’t it?

Jared smiled with tears in his eyes, ‘But I’m faithful. I’m always Louise’s. I couldn’t leave her.’

It’s lucky that Lucian didn’t try to kiss him, eh? Faithfulness was always something that Lucian had an issue with. He never really learned how to be faithful.

He isn’t even faithful to his life partner in the modern day...

 

Someone somewhere is going to gain the highest of human emotions… even if it is for just one night.

I was sat alone and it was nearing midnight. I was reading on the website, a new story. He was hosted in a few weeks. Lucky sod. Then he became really quite popular. Anyway, I was sat on top of my covers on my front. I was in my own happy world.

Then there was a knocking on the door. I thought it might have been the bloody birds on the roof so I ignored it. Then whoever it was knocked again so I knew it was someone.

‘Come in.’

It was Lucian again. What did he want this time? He had been in a horrible mood for weeks so he must want something from me or else he wouldn’t have come to see me.

‘Well?’ I shot a glare at him. ‘What do you want?’

He looked at me with that look in his eyes. That look of being like a lost puppy.

‘Can I have a hug?’

‘Why do you ask me? Why don’t you ask one of your clubbing boys? They’d be all over you.’

‘Don’t be like this. I just want a hug from someone I care about.’

‘Is that all? I know what your hugs are like. They turn into other things.’

‘Scout’s Promise.’ He made the scout sign on his left hand. He wasn’t even a scout.

I gave him a small hug, nothing behind it but he squeezed me in such a way that made me feel needed. I could tell he was here for much more than just a hug.

So much more…

After the embrace, I put my laptop on the floor and he sat on the bed next to me. He looked at me in the eyes. That look again. He is a lost little child. Lost in the forest.

In all honesty, he needed to speak to someone and I’m afraid I was the only one with a kind enough heart to listen. I often wondered why I was so nice to everyone.

I guess it was just my nature.

He was very frank. To be honest, more frank than he ever has been.

He spoke to me. ‘Jason I want to be near you. I want to be close. I want closeness without any risks or strings attached. I just need some help.’

‘Of course. Come here’

We got under my cover. I didn’t know where it was going but I was sure it wasn’t going to go too far.

I hoped.

‘I need help. My mind is so confused. I have done so much wrong in this world and I need to solve the wrongs I have committed. I cannot help myself.’ He began to cry, I rested his head on my chest and he seemed to like it so I carried on. ‘The reason why I’ve been in an off mood for the last while is that I’m so lonely. Everything is going so well, I’m just unhappy. I don’t have no one. I don’t have you. I don’t have Jared. I don’t even have Cameron. He’s been missing in my life for years. Is it wrong to miss him? Because I do. There had to be something coming. There had to be.’

He wiped his tears and we moved further into the bed covers, his head now on my pillows, and my back against the wall.

‘There was. Do you remember Liam?’

‘Yeah, the son of a bitch who tried to kill you.’

‘Yeah him. He’s been trying to contact me. I’ve been ignoring the calls. I’m trying to forget him but I can’t. I made a mistake that I am going to suffer through for the rest of my wretched life. I need help. I need love.’

He kissed my chest…

‘Will you love me? Will you protect me? For one night. That’s all I ask. Your love and your soul for one night. I don’t want sex. I want to be close.’

I looked at the distraught face. He was a mess and I was there for him. Christ how I wanted him.

As the clock struck midnight, the sound of the chime went straight through me and it made me give in…

We began to kiss and I moved my hand to his stomach area and slowly ran my hand up his shirt and felt his heart beat.

‘It’s so fast,’ I said pulling away from the everlasting kiss.

‘It’s because I’m so happy. Thank you Jason, thank you.’ He continued to kiss me passionately.

We made love.

Intimate passionate sexual love.

It was so perfect.

We were together. Finally.

Together because of that one humane joy that only couples go through, intimacy.

It was the intimacy that brought us together…

Even if it was for just one night.

It was one of the greatest evenings of my life. Only one of them.

Despite how much I had been looking forward to that evening, there was something… wrong about it. It didn’t feel like love. It felt like passion for the sake of passion.

I guess I have a long road to go down.

One long, long road.

Someone somewhere, is speaking in terms of taking the devils’ chances…

Of course, as usual, our little moment of intimacy was not mentioned again. Not ever mentioned ever between the two of us. Afterwards it almost felt like a sin to even consider talking about it.

He had to keep up an appearance to the masses in his classes. Of course he had to.

What amused me is we were sat in the living room on a dark rainy night and there was a thunderstorm. We were both scared, so we sat and watched Star Trek for an evening.

Yes, we were sissies and geeks at heart.

Spock was so cute.

Anyhow, Jared and Louise had gone out for the evening to the most expensive restaurant in town. They really have the money to splash around. Lucky bastards.

The phone rang. Lucian jumped out of his skin. Now I found that incredibly amusing and we began the classic argument of who is going to answer it.

Eventually we got to rock paper scissors and I won, so he had to answer it. So he picked himself up, sleeping bag in tow and hopped over to the phone table but fell when he got over there.

To be honest it was quite comical to watch. Man, I wish I had a camera with me at that point. He climbed out of the bag and grabbed the phone, which luckily was still ringing.

‘Hello, who is it?’ He said in his phone voice. His voice was so cute sometimes.

‘Hi.’ The voice on the phone apparently was quite quiet. ‘Is this Lucian?’

‘Yes it is. Who is calling?’

‘It… it’s Cameron.’

‘Sorry, who?’ he smirked. Cheeky git.

‘You know, your old neighbour.’

‘Oh… it’s you. What do you want? It’s been over three years and I told you to stay away from me.’

‘I know. I know. Just please, meet me at Stetson’s Bowl and I’ll explain everything.’

He hung up.

I looked over at Lucian. He looked so confused and dumbfounded. I asked him ‘Who was that?’.

‘Oh… believe it or not, it was Cameron.’ Lucian had to sit down. I could see there were a lot of things going through his head. He couldn’t vocalise what he needed but I think his heart was going through a change. A change of such epic proportions. I said the only thing that could come into my head.

Why I thought it I don’t know. I guess it was just because he was missing for so long and when people go missing for that long, you instantly make the assumption…

‘I thought he was dead…’

‘Why do you think that?’

‘Because he has been gone for so long’

‘I know.’ I saw a teardrop fall down his face. ‘Look, I’m going to go out. Don’t ask me why. I just need to get something off my chest. See you later.’

I didn’t know he was going to meet him. I didn’t know what was going on. If I had known, if I had noticed maybe things would be different now. Maybe they would have been…

He ran upstairs after pausing for a few seconds and got changed. That was our little geeky evening ruined by something. At that precise moment I didn’t really care.

I just sat on the sofa happily eating popcorn and drooling over Spock.

 

**

 

Lucian put on his best deodorant, cologne, shirt and shorts. He was going to go meet someone he had been missing for years so he had to look his best. He checked his breath which was fine and he ran downstairs.

‘Bye Jason. See you in a few hours.’ He was far too engrossed in the film to care.

 

**

 

Lucian arrived at the meeting place at Stetson Bowl and looked around for Cameron. The place was as busy as ever, with players from age 8 to 108, playing in the evening rounds. Lucian was watching one player with a perfect score; throw his last strike of the game, winning the match. Must have been a team game.

Cameron came up behind Lucian and grabbed on his sides. ‘Hello sweetie,’ he said with his beaming smile.

Lucian jerked and went to hit Cameron but then realised who it was and pulled back accordingly.

‘It’s you. It’s really you.’

Lucian was so confused.

‘Yes it’s me. Would you like to go out? Pizza on me? I have the money now.’

Lucian blushed and giggled a little. ‘Okay.’

Cameron grabbed Lucian’s hand and pulled him away from the Bowling place and threw him into the car. He never really knew that wonderful thing called tact.

Cameron told Lucian everything. He applied for Harvard but didn’t get in because he wasn’t smart enough. He applied to attend the local community college and he ended up doing a mechanic course for 6 weeks. After that, he went into work near Harvard. He had followed Lucian. He had been working as a mechanic in order to get the money to impress Lucian.

Cameron always thought that the only thing that mattered to Lucian was the money and the materialistic things in life.

But on that date, he discovered something much more. Lucian was impressed but he had changed. He was no longer completely satisfied by gestures of buying him things or paying for dinner.

He was more about the devotion. Cameron could see it when they went for dinner, how Lucian stared into his eyes. Oh that passion he could see behind his eyes.

It caused his soul to burn with such a great passion.

He had waited. Waited for three years. Three long painful hardworking years.

And here was his reward.

The date was a success and they met more and more. And eventually became a couple. A very happy one.

Lucian finally had everything.

But one day he was going to have to pay the most horrible price…

 

**

 

I watched them as they got along. Of course, I enjoyed having Cameron’s company again as much as Lucian. I too had missed him. But it was unfair.

They grew stronger and stronger while I had to remain alone.

Of course I wanted to try to find another person to love but since that fateful night with Lucian, I haven’t had the confidence to find anyone.

I was as much of a mess as Lucian was that night. I wanted to turn to Lucian for the intimacy that I so desperately needed but I couldn’t because of him being back with Cameron.

I guessed I would just have to wait for Mr. Right.

Little did I know at the time, that Mr. Right could quite possibly be just around the corner waiting there for me…

 

**

 

Someone somewhere can hear the bells, and they chime such a melancholy tune…

Oh the wonderful sound of the wedding bells. The crowds gathered in the church, cramped for space. Looking at the Priest with four old ladies in the second from back row that you have no idea who they are and probably won’t ever meet them again. Of course, I wasn’t just there to stare at the crowds. I was there for Jared and Louise. Despite only having known them for a short while.

Having been at the wedding ceremony, you look around the two families and sets of friends and you do notice a great divide. I could see the southern influence on Louise’s side. All very large, muscular, sex… Excuse me. All very attractive men. And then Jared’s side, they are all as ugly as sin. His father. Oh Christ, his father. Looked like he’d been dragged through a hedge four times. How did something so, attractive, come from that?

I guess the genes are selected from the strangest of places.

The priest had finished his little speech and the exchanging of the rings and then finally Jared kissed the bride. Now when I say kissed, I mean kissed. Full frontal snogging. They were going to have a great night that night, I could tell. Lucian was sat next to me, he was badly staring. He looked at the couple and then he stared down Jared’s tight fitting suit and just looked open jawed.

I smacked on the arm. He shouldn’t be staring on his friend’s wedding day. That’s one of the areas in life that is socially forbidden. Or cousins would be marrying sisters, uncles would be marrying their great second cousin seven times removed and it would all get jolly confusing.

That’s why there are laws against incest. For the sake of humanity.

Then there are the photographs. The photographs taken on the steps of the church, after the service. Being stood next to the brides in-laws, moaning quietly about the dress. It was a small church in a little village. Nice and quiet and peaceful. Very different to the atmosphere that we were used to. The elderly photographer yelling cheese and sausages for the little kiddies and smile for the adults.

I miss being a kid sometimes.

Then there is the after party. They booked out this really posh hotel for everyone stay in and have the party in the main hall. Louise’s oil baron daddy could afford the money. I’m surprised her daddy didn’t pay for her to get into Harvard…

I love a good wedding. Drunken aunts telling younger siblings to not follow in their footsteps and older siblings telling their best mate that they have always loved them. One thing that was missing was the good old punch up, who could forget the punch up. Well, I guess it’s just a British thing. Such a violent nation of people.

It felt like there was something missing, something wrong, and something going on…

They had had the first dance but no one had seen Jared for most of the evening.

Must have had the frights.

But then there was something else odd.

Not only Jared was missing.

I searched the dance floor and the lobby to the hotel.

Both Jared and Lucian were missing.

No, they couldn’t have been… Oh how foolish was I to have faith in Lucian.

Poor Louise…

 

**

 

It was later that evening.

Louise had been in the dance room with her friends till the early hours, completely forgetting about her new husband in the process. He had been gone for hours but she was happy. They were booked into the honeymoon suite. The best suite in the whole hotel.

She got into the elevator to head up to the suite. It stopped off inside their room. She needed to put their personal pass code to gain access to the room. 1805. The date they met. 18^th May. She loved to think of that date. What a wonderful time…

 

**

 

Unscrewing the bottle, Lucian poured a large serving for Jared. A bit larger than someone would normally put in a drink for their friend. Lucian wanted more this evening.

Of course, Jared had already had a few. He was barely aware of what he was doing. Neither did he realise it wasn’t Louise mixing his drink for him. He didn’t realise what Lucian had planned.

Lucian brought the drink over to Jared and sat beside him and began to undo his shirt.

‘Drink up.’ He smiled and slightly licked his lips.

Jared looked happy. Much happier than he had been for a while. The drink had made him forget something. He had forgotten something, something or someone important. But he didn’t care. He wanted more. There it was. On a plate for him. Two long luscious legs, a strong sensual body and a beautiful face. It was there and it was his for the taking.

On this, Jared threw the drink onto the floor and launched himself on the semi naked Lucian.

And the rest was history.

Their love was passionate and it was rough.

 

**

 

She took a deep breath. Ready to see her new husband and finally spend that great night together. She was nervous. As any bride is. She pressed the button to open the door and walked into the living area. There was an open bottle. Jared had already started to drink. Typical.

She didn’t like his drinking but she loved him.

She loved him so much.

She guessed if she couldn’t beat him, join him.

She poured herself a glass and downed it. She moved across the room and opened the door and was horrified by the sight she saw…

 

**

 

Lucian was unable to vocalise the pleasure he was in as he sat on top of Jared, riding him. Their love was at a high point. Lucian was jerking himself and Jared scratched his nails into Lucian’s back, which only made Lucian feel greater.

Jared thrusted into Lucian when he saw the door open. Lucian began to moan loudly. Jared stopped.

He just stopped but still inside of Lucian. Lucian got to the point of orgasm…

‘Thank you so much babe.’ He sighed and just collapsed back onto the bed.

She was just stood there and Jared was horrified.

She had watched them for the last minute or two while Lucian was finishing off.

Neither of them could believe their eyes.

And Lucian was in far too much of a blissful state to care…

Someone somewhere is going to move on, without any regrets…

As you can see, she was devastated. I had told Lucian to go find somewhere else to stay for a few days. He wasn’t welcome. He had broken Louise.

All by that one evening of pleasure, he ruined one girl’s life.

I barely knew her but I knew her pain. I had experienced it before with him. I knew I could help her through this.

Cameron was there to consult her too, despite his own pain.

We were all relaxed in the living room chatting with each other.

‘Of course, he was going to do it. I saw the looks’. I looked at her, her makeup still a mess.

She just kept crying.

‘I thought he was better than this. But there must be an explanation.’ Cameron put his big hand on her shoulder, almost cuddling up to her.

She turned and placed her head on Cameron’s shoulder and burst out into tears again.

Cameron looked as if he also had tears in his eyes. I felt so sorry for the pair of them; both of them had been through the same pain. Even if with Cameron it was not as direct as it could have been.

I looked at the pair of them in silence, until Louise regained composure and began to speak.

‘I’m leaving. Neither of you can stop me. I’ve already packed my bags. I cannot be round either of them. I loved him, Jason. Cameron, you understand my pain, of course you do. I’ve changed. And I am going to have to change even more. I’m sorry guys. I cannot be here. I need to leave for my own sanity. I can’t be with such a disgusting beast. I just can’t. I’ll be leaving you now.’

Cameron responded, ‘I’ll see you to the door. Do you want me to book you a cab?’

‘No.’ she faltered. ‘I don’t even know where I am going’.

With that she left and we never really heard from her again until about three months ago. She called to say that she was back with her parents and she was safe. She couldn’t trust men anymore.

It was a pity. Such a nice girl, sure her voice was horrible but she didn’t deserve how she was treated.

No-one ever deserved to be cheated on.

Not ever.

We sat there, me and Cameron.

Initially it was awkward. Neither of us were sure what to say.

I looked at him. He was staring at me with those eyes. The eyes he uses when he looks at Lucian.

If I had known what was coming then I could have prepared a response.

But it was natural.

Oh, so natural.

He moved across the sofa towards me and cradled the back of my neck with his bear like hands. He kissed me.

He wasn’t how I imagined him. I imagined him to have a brutish forceful kiss.

But no, it was nowhere like this. It was not.

It was gentle, like a lover. It was passionate and romantic.

I reciprocated the kiss and ran my hand through his hair but I then pulled away.

If I was to go any further, was I any better than Lucian? I know it could be placed as a little bit of revenge but that was never my style.

I was never so cruel.

‘Look Cameron, I’m sorry but you have Lucian. You should see how much he loves you.’

‘Yeah, going off with another man, is loving me isn’t it? Now you, you are lonely and you are alone. You can talk to me now and you can make love to me. Please Jason, make love to me. Make me feel loved.’

‘You know that won’t solve anything now will it?’

Cameron sighed. ‘I guess it won’t. I’ll go back to him. I should have faith that he would apologize. Every partner has to trust their partner.’

‘I guess so sweetie.’

He did love him. He just needed to let out some frustration and he chose me to release it upon.

We moved outside to the porch of the house and we sat on the wooden swing.

‘Thank you,’ he started.

‘What for?’

‘For just being there. We met so many years ago and we are still good friends.’

‘The best of friends.’ I put my hand on his. He looked happy to have a friend. A friend at last.

‘I think I should go. I’m moving, I mean we are moving. Lucian doesn’t want to stay around here because of what has happened. You know with Jared. It’s the talk of the town. He can barely show his face so it’s time for a new place. A little place called Hemmingway Avenue. Nice quiet part of town, out of the way where nothing can disturb the peace that we will have.’

‘Oh lovely.’

‘The house next door is on for rental. I mean it should be available. I know you have a past with Lucian but it would be nice to have someone to talk to other than him.’

I looked to him and I could see that feeling behind his eyes but I didn’t let it happen. I couldn’t go through that again.

He continued, ‘If you like, you know, we could be neighbours. See each other more often.’ He smiled.

I felt so sorry for him; I could see that he loved me. He loved me so passionately. But I wasn’t going to have him cheat on his partner. Lucian may be that low but I wouldn’t let Cameron sink there.

He was so much better than that.

‘I will see if I can. Just depends on how long it takes to finish this degree and of course my financial circumstances.’

We stood and looked at each other and we both just smiled in utter contentment.

‘Good Luck.’ I offered my hand to him.

‘You too. So long for now.’ He grabbed my hand and shook it hard. It was all I would give him. I wouldn’t want to lead him further down a terrible path. I respected him too much.

It was so long for now. I didn’t want him to leave but I was seriously considering the move. But I was stuck in the house for the next little while, found a few desperate first years for that first little experience of house life. Three rooms went straight away as soon as I put them up on the university website. I guess I was quite popular.

Cameron was for Lucian only. He had to be for Lucian.

I couldn’t let myself get into the situation or old emotions and memories will come back to haunt me and I knew I wouldn’t be able handle it.

Someone somewhere is reading an aged old notepad, containing some of their deepest, darkest secrets…

One little notebook.

I’ve been reading through my notebook. It all happened so many years ago.

Lucian, Cameron, Isaac, Liam.

All of the boys.

I’m now a lecturer at the very university that I studied at, University of Harvard. Lecturer in Classical Literature. What I always wanted.

Lucian lectures in Law. Well he did lecture in Law. Once upon a time…

I have this book you see. That I am reading. A collection of notes I kept when I was younger and I still keep up to this day.

I’ve been looking back at it just so the memories stay fresh.

Memories are all I really have of some things.

There was one beautiful letter that I received from someone quite surprising after I moved into my new house in Hemmingway Avenue. Yes, Cameron convinced me to move with him. The house next door. It was that letter that changed everything. I was so happy after the first time that I read it.

I was so happy.

It was a letter from Isaac…

‘Dear Jason,

I know it has been a while. I haven’t forgotten about you. Of course, I could never forget about you. I remember how we were. We were so happy. I love you still. I want to come to you again. I want to come to America. I want you to move to where I’ll be working. New York City. Such a beautiful place. I want you still. Send me a letter when you can to respond. Otherwise, just let this letter hide in the bottom drawer of your cupboard and forget about me forever.

The Fortunate Unhappy

Isaac’

I didn’t want to move.

I really didn’t.

I had to go to Hemmingway Avenue.

I had to go with him. I needed to go with him. To ensure he was safe. There was still that small speckle of hope.

Christ, my love for him is like sacrificing myself to a god.

My love for him suffocates me until I die a thousand deaths. I love him. You hear me, I love him!

But I couldn’t have him. I just couldn’t and that is why I had to ensure both him and Cameron were happy.

If anyone was happy, it had to be him.

I wrote him a letter back the following day. We spoke, we emailed and we sent letters. I got him to agree to come to Hemmingway Avenue with me. He even said he would find a different job where we would live.

I was so happy…

This was all such an improbable fiction but it was a wonderful miracle.

Finally, a chance…

I wouldn’t let that chance of happiness slip through my fingers…

 

**

 

‘Honey’ He said to me. We were sat together in front of the fire.

‘What…’ I sighed and ran my hand through my hair.

‘Are you okay babe? You seem off.’

‘I’m fine, it’s just the memories.’ I rested my head on his shoulder.

‘Oh. Him.’

‘You know what he meant to me.’

‘I guess so. I’ll be here to support you as much as I can.’

‘Thank you.’ I looked up into his eyes and then the fire.

The blazing fire, it went through me.

It went down through into the darkest part of my soul.

And it hurt…