Black Sheep Part 3 - 13. Chapter 13

Chapter 13

Tom sits in the chair next to the bed and opens his mouth but I hold up my hand.
“I’m still angry at you all. I don’t want to talk to you, I want you to leave.” I glare at him.
“But I don’t.” Tom sighs. “There is something that you probably don’t know yet.”
“Are you sure I want to hear it?”
“Yes, very sure.” Toms voice is grave, a tone I don’t often hear in his voice.
“Okay then, spill it.”
“Vic’s dad has found a house not far from here, just for rent for as long as Vic needs to stay in close care but is allowed to live at home. Taking the two hour trip up here every day would be too exhausting and he hasn’t got anyone to accompany him all the time.”
“So?” I don’t get the importance, why would it matter where Vic’s dad lives? It’s not like I can visit him or something, they took care of that.
Tom looks at me for a moment, confusion crossing his face. “Vic’s dad chose a place close to this hospital, not where Vic is now.” Tom now stares at me intently.
I shake my head, still not sure why this should matter to me at all. “So? I can’t visit him anyway, why is this so important?”
Tom groans, throwing his hands in the air. “It’s not about you. It’s about Vic. They allow him to spend time with his family even though he needs to be in for therapy during the day.”
“I got that part, why is it so important?” I roll my eyes, getting tired of Tom saying things that make no sense to me.
“He hasn’t said anything has he?” He sighs and rubs his face with his hands. “I’d hoped he’d told you.”
“Told me what?” Fear grips my heart. “Tom?”
“His illness is getting worse, medication is failing. Yesterday when he came by here he had just gotten his latest results. They weren’t good.”
“Why didn’t he say anything?”
“Because he didn’t want you to be stressed out about it.”
“Who else knows? Am I the last to find out again?” I sit up, heart racing, voice tight.
“No, he is not telling anyone. Their dad told me when I bumped into him, but apart from him I don’t think anyone knows yet, not even Anne.”
“When did you see him?”
“Yesterday, when Vic was waiting to be allowed back into your room. His dad had to leave because of work. I sat with Vic for a while, he was talking about how he was barely keeping up with his school work but that he is getting everything done.”
“So there might still be hope?” I clamp onto the idea that there was still time, still hope.
“No, not much, I’m sorry. He has been getting attacks almost daily, the medication is not working and the test results are getting grim. Even with double the dose he had over Christmas they can’t keep them off bay. He had a good day yesterday but he had an attack this morning again. I’m sorry.” Tom reaches out and I grab his hands, pulling him near.
“I don’t want to lose him. I can’t lose him.” I cry.
“He is still able to live a normal life at this moment, but they’re not sure for how much longer. The illness is unpredictable, sometimes he has a few good days.”
“Fuck. So that is why…”
“Why what?”
“He was scared. I thought it was because he was afraid of losing me but maybe it was more that he was scared of me losing him. I need to do something. I need to make him believe that it will be okay. I won’t lose him. I won’t!” I push my hand under the pillow and pull out Vic’s note. “He left me this.”
Tom takes the note and looks it over. “He is really scared you’ll die. Maybe even more so now than ever before.” Tom’s words are soft as he looks up at me.
“What?” My voice breaks. “How do you know?”
“Because it’s the only think he’ll talk about when he is not lost in his own head. He is really scared.”
I search for any clues on Toms face that he exaggerating but I can only see truth. “I won’t lose him. I won’t. If I get better maybe he’ll see some hope.”
Tom looks at me confused. “What do you mean?”
“If I get better, gain weight, get the transplantation. Maybe I can show him hope. Maybe he’ll stop being scared and can get better too.” I rattle on, words coming fast, one after another.
“What if it doesn’t work?” Tom looks at me with faint hope but mostly fear on his face.
“It needs to work. It needs to.” I take a deep breath. “But I can’t do it on my own. I need help, a lot of help.” I look down at my hands.
“I’ll help you in any way possible.” Tom hooks his fingers under my chin and moves up my head, giving me a quick kiss. “Even if that means I’ll have to get half the hospital on your case.”
“Thank you, but I think that might be slightly too much.” I blush.
Tom smiles. “Anything for you. You just need to promise me one thing.” Toms voice is serious.
“What?” I try to squirm away but Tom keeps his hold on my jaw.
“Promise me you’ll push through, even if it gets bad. Even if Vic might no longer be here.”
It scares me, the possibility of Vic no longer being here. I look away, avoiding Toms eyes. “Don’t say that, of course he will be.”
Tom nods. “That feeling now? That is what Vic feels when he sees you, that is what I feel when I see you. Look at me, please.”
I look Tom in his eyes and can see not just the fear, but the pain. The pain I’m feeling reflected in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t realise how much hurt I must have been causing all of you.” I mean it, the pain is unbearable, how can they have gone through this pain so many times?
I felt bad when I heard Jack had died, I had mourned for a while. But his death had been sudden. This is even different from the times Vic had been suicidal or right after an attempt, those were in a way predictable.
This is knowing someone might be gone before you see them again. This pain is from knowing every moment with someone might be your last. It sucks.
Tom pulls me up, close to him, his face in my neck. “I’m glad you finally get it. I’m sorry it hurts this much. I truly am.”
“I won’t let you down. I’ll get better. But I will need you at my side, I won’t be able to do this on my own.” I twist my hands into his shirt.
“I’ll be here. I’ll be here right at your side.”