Depression - 2. All I Leave Behind

Have you ever stood at the edge of a cliff and looked out?

Not down at what lies below, but out, at the horizon?

And you know that beyond the horizon that you see

is another horizon; beyond that, another and another and another.

An infinity of horizons, an eternity of horizons.

All the possibilities existing just beyond what you can see.

All existing simultaneously from different perspectives.

It’s difficult to write because I cannot focus my thoughts.

My eyes are mostly closed and I don’t see the horizon.

I know it is there, that they are there, I remember, I do.

But they are gone from my eyes—and from my heart.

For me, the horizon ends where I now stand.

On the edge of that cliff, looking down now, not out.

And the abyss below me is as hidden from my eyes

as the horizon I no longer see. Unseen, unknown.

Yet it is mine, as the horizon is not, will never be again.

Mine to reach toward, to embrace, to surrender to

now that the horizon has passed beyond my perception,

beyond my comprehension, beyond my desire..

And so very, very like me that I write this now,

when there are so many things I should be doing.

But loose ends are never completely tied;

there is always one more to find, one more to tie..

And my words are all of me that I truly value,

though they have no value of their own.

But they are all of me that I want to leave behind

when the horizons have all left my sight

and the abyss pulls me into its embrace.

And it is my vanity that anyone would care;

and failing to care, at least to notice and despise

for indifference to the escaping spirit is the truest death.