Loss - 5. My First Christmas Without You

The tree stands in the corner of the room,

in a different room,

in a different house,

in a different life.

There are no presents under the tree.

You were the one who put them there

on Christmas Eve.

You liked to tease me,

to make me wonder what was in them.

And you would shake each one

and try to guess what I got you.

You were always right,

and I would wonder how you knew--

until I noticed the torn paper.

And even though you blamed it on the cats,

I knew you always peeked.

You were always like a kid

on Christmas Eve

I always let you open one present,

because I knew you couldn’t wait.

But I would never open any of mine,

and I knew that drove you crazy—

which is why I did it.

I don’t even want to look at the tree

this Christmas Eve.

It isn’t mine

because it isn’t yours,

because it isn’t ours.

And I bought all new things for it this year

because I couldn’t touch the old things

because I couldn’t touch anything you had touched

Maybe that will go away in time

And I’ll be able to hear “Listen for reindeer on the roof!”

But maybe not.

No, definitely not.

And tomorrow morning I’ll pretend

that I forgot to charge the batteries for the camcorder

because there is nothing I want to remember

of this Christmas.

Nothing I want to remember

of my first Christmas without you.