Otherworld: Station One. - 11. Winter 11

I stumbled into the kitchen, slamming the backdoor on my way and was met with the overpowering scent of fresh paint. Mum was halfway through painting the lounge room and looked up as I entered.

“Do you like it?” She asked wiping her wrist on her forehead smearing white paint across it.

“Sure.” I said absently. Then I stopped as a thought occurred. Is this the last time she would get to paint the lounge room? My stomach lurched as the thoughts of seemingly innocent things that I would never see, or get to do because of something completely out of my control surface out of the mire that was my mind.

Why should I have to deal with this alone? Why should anyone be faced with their own mortality before their time? It sure as hell isn’t wasn’t my time, I had too many things to do. There had to be a loophole, some kind of escape route that we could choose.

But Michael had seemed so adamant, was it really as good as… over?

I flashed back to reality as Mum stared at me, her mouth was moving but I didn’t really hear the words coming out. I muttered some excuse, left towards my room, flopped down onto my bed, and shut my eyes.

I heard the door open and the tentative steps of my Mum as she settled herself down next to me and placed a hand on my knee. “Are you alright sweetie?” A nervous pit opened itself in my stomach. What could I say?

That I was tasked with saving humanity by creating a new world after Satan overruns this one and that the person who told me this, was actually an angel who designated that it would be me who achieved these great things?

Yeah that summed it up all right. Now to lock that away in the deep, deep, DEEP recesses of my mind and never think of it again until literally forced to.

Honestly, talking about such subjects used to make me want to heave. Now I was a key player. Fuck my life.

“Yeah. I’m fine Mum, just really tired. I’ve got some homework to do so I’ll be busy for a little while.” I said, cracking my eyes open.

“Okay, well there‘s someone here for you. I have enough dinner for the both of you if you want them to stay.” She offered. I shot up and stared at her stupidly.

“Who?”

“I don’t remember his name. He was here with you this morning; he’s in the dining room.” She replied. I got up as she left, out towards the kitchen and I followed cautiously, my hand fingering the knife’s handle in my belt. Hamon wouldn’t show up here right? He’s not that stupid.

I pulled the blade out and held it down and away from my body to the side. “Mum, I think I heard your phone ringing.” I called out hoping to get her away from the dining room.

“Oh, shit.” I heard her mumble and her footsteps down the other end of the house. I sighed and stepped into the dining room.

“Hey Eli.” Alex said softly. His smile was relaxed but I could see the concern in his eyes. “I heard there was curry?” He asked hopefully.

***

“So Alex you do boxing?” My mum was making small advances on hospitality. I would give her that. Although she was still tense towards him, it was better than nothing.

“Yes Mrs Miller.” He replied with his mouth full. She frowned at him but didn’t say anything and I snickered. He looked over at me and I shook my head.

“So…” she continued, the silence dragging on in-between her words. “What are you going to do next year?” This question caught me off guard. And by the ‘deer caught in the headlights’ expression on Alex’s face it did the same to him.

“Um, I don’t know. I mean, I used to know but some things have happened lately…” Alex trailed off and glanced at me, hoping I would jump in and finish his sentence. I, however think that Mum may have assumed something else.

“Oh, I see.” She murmured staring directly at me. Silence descended on us again as the clink of cutlery on plates occasionally filled the void. I don’t think I’d ever been that uncomfortable with food in front of me.

I eventually excused myself and Alex, dragging him away by his collar and shutting my bedroom door carefully. “What the hell was that!?” I asked him.

“Hey she’s your mother don’t ask me.” He replied. He grinned and sat down on my bed. “So, are you alright now? I mean you basically had a fit.” He joked.

I sat down next to him. “I know. But I had a right to Alex. I… I don’t need this.” I felt his hand on my back, not moving any more than his thumb and I wanted to relax into that. He pulled me closer until I was resting my head on his shoulder.

“It’s okay. I understand, I mean sort of. I just don’t want you to go through this alone.” He soothed. “We’re in this together,” I nodded once and glanced up at him.

“Thanks.” He grinned down at me and winked. That wink sent a wave of giddiness through my body and I remembered what I had told him, ‘when it was all over…’ when what was over? When we could get back to what we had before?

The days when we didn’t talk, the days when his friends made fun of me for accepting who I was? I didn’t want that. Why did I say that? Why was I giving everything up when there might not even be a day to put it off to?

“Are you ok...?” Alex murmured. I refocused on his face and almost shrank away from his hand that reached up and smeared something wet on my face. “You’re crying…”

I didn’t know what to do. I mean, I wanted to say something; to tell him everything that was running through the circus of my mind, but how could I possibly articulate that into words.

Jacqueline had once told me that if I didn’t have something nice to say then to not say anything at all. But I had so many nice things to say, and I was still silent! This wasn’t what was supposed to happen.

I could see myself, reaching up and curling my fingers in his hair and I went to do it but stopped. Why did I stop? I’m not afraid am I? We talked about it and made a deal but did it really apply anymore? Bloody hell why couldn’t I decide? I wanted this and he, he indicated that he wanted it too.

“Eli!” He shouted, shaking me out of my reverie. I looked at him again; my mind completely and utterly blank and I watched his mouth move without registering the sound. He stopped talking for a split second and his tongue darted out, licking his lips and was gone. I turned my head slightly as I heard rain falling, spitting onto our old tin roof.

Alex glanced out the window. “Michael said we can have a few days. That he’ll hold things up for awhile.”

“A…few…days?” I murmured.

“Yeah, he didn’t know how he was going to do it, but I trust him.” Alex said turning back to me. “It’s good to get some rain huh?”

I looked out the window as the rain fell heavier in sheets. “Oh, yeah.” I said. Alex smiled and I smiled and the sound of my clock ticking echoed in my room.

I stood up abruptly, moved through the maze of clothes on the ground to the window, and opened it up. A breeze swept into the room and ruffled my hair. I turned and, with a smile of contentment I sat back down on the other side of the bed, facing away from Alex.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” He asked shifting on the bed.

I didn’t trust myself to talk anymore, but I didn’t want to lie. So I shrugged. He crawled over and laid down next to me. “What’s the matter?” He asked. I slid down and slumped onto the ground, so that our heads were at the same height, and turned to him.

His eyes were wide and attentive; they reminded me of a Labrador, so loyal and trusting. Like if I did something wrong he wouldn’t care.

I almost said it.

“What did you mean when you said you never would have talked about…this?” I asked instead. He sighed for a moment and then closed his eyes. He was quiet and I thought that he might have fallen asleep until he started to talk.

“I never really thought about anything other than boxing, family and sport. That’s all that mattered to me. And my friends to a lesser extent. When, when I did think about…other things, I didn’t have anyone to talk to about it, that’s all.” I nodded. “I never thought I’d get the chance.”

I let the tense atmosphere build like an idiot and I felt that the only thing that would cut through it would have to be a chainsaw.

The rain continued to fall outside and the smell of wet grass reached my nose. I sighed and thought about pulling out a cigarette, I reached towards my bag past Alex and looked at him. My hand paused and for a moment, I felt clarity and pulled my hand back.

He smiled and rolled to the side so that he was propped up facing me on his elbow. “So what do you want to do with our days off?”

“We still have school don’t forget.” I reminded him.

“Oh? I was thinking we might skip school tomorrow.” He offered. “We haven’t got much time to ourselves after all.” He said.

“Yeah…” I nodded. “We could go have sandwiches at the river?” I suggested, and immediately got angry with myself.

“We don’t have to go anywhere…” He mumbled. I frowned, “You know, we could...just stay here…?” He blushed.

What if he was thinking the same things I was? Were we both just going in circles because neither one of us was man enough to say something? I was furious with myself, I had never been so pathetically inept before and I was stumbling hardcore.

What would Jacqueline do? I had to laugh inwardly at that, Jacqueline would probably be smart enough to avoid these kinds of problems. “Oh, yeah sure.” I replied.

He smiled and I heard a thud. I glanced under the bed and saw his shoes hit the ground and then his socks. He stretched out with his head on a pillow and his eyes closed, with one arm on his chest, the other under his head. That familiar smell that I couldn’t place was back, and I assumed guiltily that it was Alex.

“Your bed is really nice.” He murmured. I gulped and stood up, moving around the end of the bed to stop on his side. I had to do something, anything. C’mon Eli do something, anything!

My hand shook as I reached and delicately touched one of his ankles, the skin soft under my finger tips. He didn’t move at all, and his face became blank of any expression. I continued to ran my fingers along his leg, the small hairs bending at my touch. He made a small noise and I backed away.

He opened his eyes, grabbed my hand, and stood up. Looking me directly in the eyes, he shut his own and leaned forward, inviting me inward. I closed my eyes too and felt my lips dry instantly as I mimicked him.

“Eli!” Mum screeched. I jumped backwards swearing a thousand curses in my head but outwardly showing no change.

“Yes!” I hollered back. Alex grimaced and scratched the back of his head as he sat back down.

“Can you come out here for a minute? Alone!” I shrugged at Alex, trying to say one million and one things. All I came up with was.

“Sorry.” He gave me a small smile and I left towards the kitchen. “What is it?” I barked as I rounded the corner. She was standing with her back to the sink, facing me.

“What’s going on?” She asked me.

“With?”

“That boy. Why have I only just met him, are you dating him?” She was so blunt and quick to cut me down sometimes.

“No, I mean…” I stumbled for the right words.

“I don’t mind that you’re dating Eli, just tell me and let me meet them sooner, Don’t leave it till you do something stupid like fall in love and run away together.”

“In love!?” I exclaimed.

“Yes Eli.”

“I don’t love Alex.” I shot back. “In fact we aren’t even dating.” What? It was the truth okay.

“You…you aren’t dating?” She asked.

“No, not at this moment in time.” I added. “Is that all you wanted, because if it is I have to get Alex set up for his night here, if that’s okay with you, I promise there’ll be no monkey business.” I growled, apocalypse or no, she was NOT prying into my private life.

I stomped back into my room and slammed the door. Alex was standing, his shoes back on and facing me. “Um, don’t worry about it, I might just head home.”

I deflated on the inside. “Oh…okay.” I said.

“Unless you want me to stay?” he offered. Yes, I want you to stay, I want you to never leave and I don’t know why, I don’t want you to go just because I can’t get my shit together.

“No, it’s fine, if you want to leave that’s okay. I’ll walk you out.” I said opening the door again for him. He nodded solemnly and walked past me to the front door. He stepped out and waited for a minute on the porch.

“So, I’ll see you tomorrow right?” he asked.

I nodded, “Sure, see you tomorrow.” I grinned and he returned it weakly and started off into the early night. I shut the door when he was out of the view of the gold porch light and sighed.

God I was such a fucking dweeb. I marched into my room and knelt beside the bed. “God?” I whispered softly, feeling utterly foolish. “What do I do?” and I waited. With no answer I grumbled for a moment then pulled the covers back hoping for an early night.

As I moved the pillows I saw a piece of paper under one of them. It was small and had writing on it. ‘This isn’t easy for me either.’ It said. I smiled and slipped it into my pocket. Without changing, I kicked off my shoes and folded myself into the blankets.

***

I just felt stupid. I had every chance to say something, to do something. I didn’t care about the deal anymore. I shouldn’t just give up something because I was too stubborn to give it a try, I knew that.

That whole night I had tossed and turned. Should I have gone after him? I didn’t know what to do which was becoming a far too frequent feeling. I spent the next morning going through the motions. Eating breakfast, showering, and getting dressed for school but as soon as Mum was gone with a kiss on my cheek I left out the back and went down to the river, dangling my feet in the icy water.

My phone vibrated signaling a message but I ignored it. If I had time to think about things, then I wanted to be alone.

Somewhat.

I also wanted Alex there, but I didn’t want him there, but I did. Argh, why couldn’t I think straight? Better yet, why couldn’t I be straight, or gay, why couldn’t I pick one and just stay there. This couldn’t be good for my health.

“You know, you are that way for a reason.” A voice broke through my thoughts and I turned slightly. Michael was standing near me smiling.

“What do you mean?” I asked, slightly annoyed that my break and been broken.

“I made you this way Eli. You needed to be benevolent to all.” He sat down next to me. His hair had been washed I noticed, the knotted mass it had been before was now shining brilliantly. He had also changed into ordinary clothes.

I ignored his mutterings. “I thought you weren’t allowed back?” I asked instead.

“Where?” I pointed skyward and he nodded. “I’m not. I didn’t get these from there.” He said.

“Well what about your promise to give us a few days?” I countered.

“I can still do that Eli. I may not be allowed back but I can give orders to my devout followers.” He explained.

“Then why are you here?”

“I’m answering your prayer Eli.”

“What prayer!?” I yelled. “I didn’t make any prayer.”

“Last night you did ask for advice did you not?” He replied smoothly. I cringed, I hadn’t meant that to be taken seriously. “Well my advice is that I have no advice.”

“What kind of help is that?” I scoffed kicking my feet, sending water droplets into the air.

“Bad help.” He admitted. “But we don’t know what love really is, don’t forget.”

“Why does everyone keep saying that word?”

“Which?”

“…love.” Michael snickered.

“I didn’t specifically mean love, I meant all that it encompasses, lust, attraction, fulfillment, companionship.” He explained.

“I, I don’t really know who I am, or what I’m feeling. And I hate that.” Michael nodded softly then pricked up.

“Alex is coming.” He said suddenly. I glanced behind us and sure enough Alex was trudging across the field with his gym bag on his shoulder. I checked my watch and it read ten am. He must have walked here from school. “I’ll go.” Michael offered.

I nodded vaguely and Michael slipped away, not teleporting like Hamon did.

I stood up and pushed my dark waves out of my face, smiling at Alex as he dropped his bag next to one of the trees. “Hey, was that Michael?” he asked.

“Yeah. You dressed for school I see.” I noted.

“Oh, thanks for reminding me.” He pulled off the school shirt, revealing his singlet and glanced at me, “Sorry.”

“What for?” I asked, chuckling. He smiled tightlipped, dug around in his gym bag pulling out a plain white shirt, and threw it on.

“How are you?” He asked as he settled down on the ground. I just glared at him for a moment then stubbornly turned out to the river.

Was he actually going to play the, ‘blissfully ignorant’ card and let me deal with the rest of the crap? That was so not going to fly and he had to know it. “I’m fine, how was your walk home?” I asked. I figured I could at least move us over to the topic of last night.

I saw him tense. “It was o.k. Kind of cold.”

“You should have stayed.” I prodded further. “Why didn’t you?”

He turned to me, with a look that suggested the phrase. ‘Are you serious?’ He shrugged. “I didn’t want to get in the middle of a domestic with you and your mum.” He said instead.

“Sure.” I replied, not really believing him. I mean how could I; we had a serious ‘moment’ and then he just bails? Because of a ‘domestic’? Shove off. I don’t believe him.

“It’s the truth.”

“Alex, it’s okay. We don’t have to talk about it, we’ll just focus on other things. Like what we are going to do now?”

“No, I mean, I want to talk about it. But is now the time?”

“Didn’t you say the wise words, ‘It’s not like we have all the time in the world’?” I countered. He grimaced.

“I liked it better when you forgot things.” I grinned and grabbed his bag.

“Did you bring something to eat?” I asked rummaging around. My hand struck plastic wrapped gold as I pulled out two sandwiches.

“Pickle and peanut butter?” I asked hopefully. Alex chuckled deeply and nodded.

“Keep one for Me.,” he said as I tore open the first one. I don’t know where this odd love for the combination of peanut-butter and pickles came from. For some reason my mouth goes into indulgence mode whenever I see them.

Alex watched me with amusement and slowly ate his sandwich and then turned away, gazing at the branches above us and pulling at them with his free hand.

The day was surprisingly warm, a sign that spring was on its way and I relished the birdsong and gentle breeze that had softly fallen on us.

I lifted my feet out of the water and turned myself so that I was lying down on the grass that tickled the soles of my feet, with my eyes amid the dancing light which filtered through the forest of leaves above me.

“Great day huh?” Alex said haphazardly around his food.

“Mmhmm” I agreed munching happily. I swallowed and sighed softly. Something had been rattling around in my mind since I was told. “I don’t think there’ll be as much winter.” I said.

“Hmm?” Alex murmured.

I spun around so I was lying on my stomach, facing him, “If I created a world I mean. I don’t really like winter. Would it be wrong to, I dunno, reduce it’s time?”

“I’m pretty sure that’s got to do with the rotation of Earth, rather than God’s preferences.” Alex countered.

“Oh yeah…” That was a stupid thing to say. I turned round again and tried to think of ways I could make myself seem less like a dickhead.

“It’s okay, I won’t tell anyone.” He laughed.

“Thanks, smartass.”

“Aw, you aren’t upset are you?” He teased.

“No.” I bit back.

“Well, I would be if I were you. It was a pretty stupid thing to say.” He continued. “Maybe I will tell someone. Your reputation as a science geek is long gone.”

“Shut up Alex!” I barked, flipping round on to my knees with my fist raised, pretending to be angry. He grinned at me for a second then it faded to something else, something completely opposite. Something that scared me.

He moved across the grass between us at lightning speed and stopped in front of me, our faces inches from each other. I wanted to say something but I didn’t at the same time.

He looked so surprised at himself that I thought for a moment that he was going to stop and, as he started to back away I found the courage to grab his shirt

“Don’t.” I said. He glanced down at my hands and grabbed them, prying them off him, holding them between us, like the glass window between the fish and the spectators at an aquarium. I shook my head.

“Don’t.” I repeated a little more strongly. “Go.” He looked up at me again. “Don’t leave, it’s not like we have all the time in the world Alex.”

He smirked nervously and let go of my hands that were now shaking. I looked into his eyes, hoping to find some sort of reassurance but found nothing but nerves and uncertainty. I closed my eyes, hoping that somehow in the darkness created I would be able to pull off some air of confidence.

I waited, and waited some more. I opened my eyes and Alex was packing his things. “Where are you going?” I asked, no I begged. He didn’t look at me as he spoke.

“I can’t do this, I have to go.” He replied.

“I didn’t even hear a ‘sorry’ in there.” I shot back bitterly sitting up properly and glaring at him. He glanced in my direction but didn’t meet my eyes.

“Sorry.”

“Whatever.” I growled turning back to the creek. I knew he was standing there for a long moment, his breathing gave him away, and I felt like I could feel him standing there.

Eventually the swish-swish of his feet through the grass signaled his departure and I exhaled. For some stupid reason I wanted to cry, or scream, or something. I wanted to do something! But I just kept sitting, wallowing in my own self pity.

I always did this, I always ruined things.

“No you didn’t.”

Yes, I really fucking did.

“No, Eli. It’s not your fault. It’s okay kiddo.” Jacqueline smiled at me from her bed. I hated seeing her so…weak. “Things are not always your fault. Promise me you’ll remember that.”

So what did that mean now? That it wasn’t my fault? Well then, what the hell do I do?

I knew the answer to that. I had a few choices. I could run away and smoke ten packs of cigarettes, you know, the ‘emergency ones.’ I could go find Alex, or I could sit here on the edge and just wonder.

So I stood up.

Alex hadn’t made it too far away and I called out to him. He stopped and turned around cocking his head to one side like a dog. He wasn’t angry, more so he looked scared.

We were standing in grass that came up to our ankles and there were no landmarks aside from my street about a kilometer to our right and the river behind me a ways. Otherwise we were isolated in a huge open space.

“What’s the matter?” He asked as I got close.

“Shouldn’t I ask you that?” He flushed a deep red and turned away.

“Nothings wrong…” he said.

“You’re lying.”

“No I’m not.”

“Alex, I know you’re lying.”

“Well what did you expect!” He burst out. “This doesn’t come as easily to me as it apparently does to you. I don’t just have things handed to me the way I want.”

“How is this the way I want?” I shot back. I didn’t want to get into an argument again so I held back a few choice words. “You don’t have the enormous pressure of some sort of duty to the greater good.”

“I was made for a service just like you.”

“Yeah, to protect me.”

“So what?” he said. “My job’s not as important as yours?” I scoffed. Clearly, there was only one way to answer that.

“Yes, you don’t have to create something completely out of your zone.”

“If I wasn’t around you’d be dead.” He growled, “My job is to protect you, and who would do that if I wasn’t around?” He turned and started to leave. Somehow we had skipped over the topic I wanted to talk about and he knew it as he walked away.

“Wait, Alex.” I called stepping forwards quickly and grabbing his shoulder. He spun around and gripped my elbow shoving me backwards.

He glared at me, gripped tighter, and then wrenched me forwards, pressing our lips together for a brief kiss. He pulled back and I tried to read what his face was telling me but I couldn’t and I was scared that he would run away again.

Until he pulled me in and kissed me once more.