Shameful - 4. Chapter 4

don’t know what it is

That makes me feel like this

I don’t know who you are

But you must be some kind of superstar,

‘ cause you got all eyes on you no matter where you are.

Superstar, Jamelia

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Over the next few months, Jason started to become obsessed with Kyle. He would sit in his office and daydream about what it would be like to kiss Kyle’s lips and his work was suffering because of it. He would wake from dreams at night breathless and sweating. He was driving himself crazy with lust and longing.

Sara was starting to notice things too. He had caught himself being short and impatient with her more than once. She wavered from hovering over him, asking what was wrong to leaving him to his own devices, trying to give him some space. Neither approach seemed to help much though, as he seemed to lose his temper with her at every turn.

Finally, he realized that he could not continue this way. He either had to come out to Kyle and Sara, lay it all on the table, or force himself to forget about Kyle. Who was he kidding? He was a coward; he wouldn’t come out to anyone. He had always hidden his desire for men, always told himself he could be straight. It was all a matter of will power. He would continue this little charade he had started all those years ago. It was too late now to do anything else. There were too many people involved, too many others to consider. He didn’t want to see the disappointment in his mother’s eyes, or feel the anger he knew would come from his father. Most of all he couldn’t do that to Sara; she had believed in him, stood by him. He could not make their whole marriage a lie. No, he would have to distance himself from Kyle Sutton. Maybe he could request that one or the other of them be transferred to another department, or work with another exec. He had to do something, for his own sanity, if nothing else.

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“Charles, I’ve been thinking. I believe that Kyle might work better with Jack. Maybe I could work on my own for a few months.” Jason had requested a few minutes of his boss’ time, but the look on Charles’ face told him all he needed to know.

“What, are you crazy? You and Kyle work great together. Your team is leading the company in new accounts. There is no way I could justify splitting up you two.”

Jason started back peddling, “Okay, okay. It was just a thought.”

“What’s going on Jason? Did you and Kyle have a disagreement?”

“No, no. Nothing like that. I don’t know. I guess I’d rather not say.”

Charles looked at him with a questioning stare. “I thought the two of you were friends. Hell, I hear that you and your wife have him over for dinner all the time.”

“…”

“Is that it? Is your wife falling for him? Something like that?”

“No. Damn. Charles. I’m sorry I said anything. Never mind, okay.” Jason got up to leave. “Just never mind.”

Charles shrugged his shoulders as Jason pulled the office door closed behind him. He’d have to keep an eye on those two.

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Jason sat at his desk going over their schedule. Really, when you thought about it there was no reason for them to work so closely together. He could split up the workload; they could quit tag-teaming clients and start working alone more. He could always argue that they could see more potential clients that way. Jason went to work rescheduling their meetings for the next few days, making sure that they would rarely even be in the office at the same time. He emailed the changes to Kyle with a short note about upper management being on him over how they handled their time. Hopefully Kyle would buy it.

It wasn’t long before Kyle stuck his head in Jason’s doorway. “What’s up with this?” He waved the email in his hand.

Jason shrugged, “Just what it says. If we change how we work, split up, we can see more clients.”

“But just last week Charles was patting us on the back for the way we work together. We have more new accounts than any other team. Are they asking all the ad teams to change or just us?” Kyle couldn’t help but feel that this was bullshit, that Jason was doing this on his own. He knew that Jason was harboring desires for him. Damn it, he felt the same way, but this wasn’t the answer.

“I don’t know Kyle, but let it go, okay? It’s not that big a deal. I just had to change a few meetings, no need to freak out over it.”

“Yeah, whatever.” Kyle turned heels and walked back to his office, knowing damn well what was going on and wondering when Jason would figure it out, or admit to it.

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A couple of days later Jason was out meeting with a client while Kyle was working on a new mock-up in his office. Charles knocked on his open door. “Kyle? You got a minute?”

“Sure, Charles. What’s up?”

“Oh nothing, just checking in.” Charles walked in and took a seat across from Kyle. “How is everything going?”

“Things are going well, Charles. Why do you ask?”

“I don’t know, just wanted to make sure you were getting along with Jason. You two make a good team and I just want to make sure that your teamwork doesn’t suffer in the face of any personal differences.”

That son-of-a-bitch. “Um Charles, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Jason and I work great together. There are no problems that I am aware of.”

“Good, good. Okay then, well I’ll just let you get back to work.”

Kyle could feel his blood boil as Charles left his office.

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About an hour later, he heard Jason out in the hall talking to one of the other execs. Kyle waited until he heard Jason’s office door close, he got up from his desk and walked down the hall. He didn’t knock, but rather barged in, closing the door behind him and stood in front of the desk looking across at Jason.

Jason looked up from the file he was going over. “Kyle.” Then he saw the anger in those eyes and he froze.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” Kyle hissed as he leaned over Jason’s desk. “You have a problem with me you come talk to me. I know you are technically my boss, but I thought we were friends and to find out you went to Charles with this,” he paused, “is inexcusable. This is no one’s business, you hear me?” Kyle’s voice was low and steady; his gaze was hard and angry.

“I didn’t say anything to Charles.”

“Bullshit!” Kyle spat out through gritted teeth.

“Okay, but I didn’t tell him there was a problem; I just asked if maybe you could work with another exec is all.”

“What the fuck, Jason? And just what was he to think of that? Damn.” Kyle sat down in the chair. This stung. It was the last thing he expected.

“I’m sorry, okay. I was wrong.” Jason found he couldn’t look into those eyes right now.

Kyle sat there in silence. He simply couldn’t believe this was happening. Finally, he pulled himself out of the chair. Standing in front of the desk, towering over Jason, he leaned down and hissed, “I know what this is really about Jason. I know you’re a closet case. You want me and you can’t handle it. But I will not let you wreck my career over your self-image issues.” Then he straightened up and left Jason sitting at his desk with the biggest hard on of his life.

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That night Jason was in a foul mood when he arrived home. Sara tried at first to ignore his silence, thinking he would shake off whatever it was after a little time to relax.

As they sat down to the dinner she had prepared, she noted that his disposition was not improving. “Who pissed in your Post Toasties?” she finally asked.

“Huh?” Jason looked up from the paper he was pretending to read.

“You have had a little storm cloud over your head since you walked in the door.”

He sighed, “I’m sorry, Sara. I guess I had a rough day. I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

She smiled softly. “Want to talk about it? You have been fairly moody of late. Is there something going on at the office?”

“It’s nothing. The usual, just pressure to land some new accounts. I’m sorry. I’ll try not to bring it home.” He did truly feel badly for the way he had been acting.

“I’m just worried about you. Hey, why don’t we see if Kyle wants to get together? Maybe we can all go out this weekend.” It was an innocent enough question.

Jason sighed again, rubbing his hand over his face. “Um, I think Kyle mentioned he was going out of town this weekend.”

“Oh? Where was he going?”

“I don’t know,” Jason snapped. “What? Do you think I keep track of his every move?”

Sara sat in silence eyeing her husband as he went back to reading the newspaper. Something was up, of that she had no doubt. But was it really work or was there something else? Maybe she could see if Kyle knew what was going on.

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The next Monday Jason was sitting at his desk going over a new campaign he and Kyle were to present later in the week to one of the firm’s older accounts. Charles stuck his head in the doorway, “Got a minute?”

“Sure.” Jason laid the file down as Charles walked in and plopped some papers down on his desk. “I need you and Kyle up in Rochester this week. We have a chance to get the Sun Fresh account.” Sun Fresh was a local chain of grocery stores that was growing like crazy. “Here is your itinerary. You two fly out tomorrow morning.” He turned toward the door and just before leaving the office, “And whatever is going on between you and Kyle, fix it.”

Jason sat back as Charles left his office. Picking up the papers, he began going over the information on the grocery chain, and their schedule for the next few days. Fuck. He would be stuck there with Kyle two nights. Fuck a duck.

He buzzed his secretary. “Jane, looks like Kyle and I will be out of the office the next couple of days. Better start clearing our schedules.” He then walked down the hall to Kyle’s office. “Kyle? Can I talk with you?”

Kyle looked up, “Sure.” There was something different in Jason’s voice.

Jason closed the door behind him and sat down. “I owe you an apology. I screwed up. I was wrong and I’m sorry.”

Kyle laid the folder he had in his hands down on the desk. “Thanks Jason. I appreciate you saying that.”

Jason nodded, “You were right, we are, or were, friends. I should have spoken with you before I said anything to Charles.”

Kyle nodded, “We’re still friends.”

Jason laid the itinerary on Kyle’s desk. “We have to be in Rochester tomorrow morning.”

Kyle picked up the papers, looking at them as he chewed on the inside of his cheek. “So, you’re apologizing because you’ll be stuck working a little closer with me the next few days.” It wasn’t really a question.

Damn, Kyle always called him on his bullshit. “I am apologizing because I was wrong. I should have apologized last week. What can I say? I’m a coward.”

Kyle only nodded. “So, tell me what we’re doing in Rochester.”

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Later that afternoon Kyle sat in his office wondering what really prompted Jason to offer an apology. Somehow he felt it had more to do with landing the new account than with feeling any remorse. The ringing phone brought him out of his thoughts.

“Kyle Sutton.”

“Kyle, hi, it’s Sara. How was your trip?”

“Trip?”

“Yeah. I wanted to get together this last weekend. Jason said you were out of town.”

Shit. What was that about? “Oh, um. He must have misunderstood. I was just at my mom’s. She needed some help clearing out some stuff in her attic.” It was the best he could come up with, although he wasn’t sure why he felt the need to cover for Jason’s lie.

“Oh, yeah, he must have misunderstood.” She paused and he had the impression that she was gathering her courage. “Kyle, I’m worried about him. Is there something going on up there?”

What the fuck? “Um, like what?” Maybe your husband has a crush on me?

“I don’t know. He’s moody, irritable. He says that he is under a lot of pressure at work, but he won’t talk to me. He’s always talked to me before. I guess I was hoping you might know something.”

“Well, yeah, there is a pretty big push up here for new accounts. But I am sure he’s fine Sara.”

“Okay. I’m sorry Kyle. I don’t mean to put you on the spot. I’m not asking you to betray Jason’s confidence. I shouldn’t have called. I’m just worried.”

“Its okay, Sara. Sorry I don’t know more. I’ll keep an eye on him for you, okay?”

“Thanks, Kyle. You’re a good friend.”

Kyle sat the receiver back in its cradle. Fuck, this was getting out of hand and was starting to seriously get on his nerves. He needed to clear the air one way or another.

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Sara had no more than hung up the phone when it began to ring. “Hello?”

“Sara? Who have you been talking to?” It was Jason.

“What?”

“I just tried to call and got a busy signal,” he stated with a shrug.

“Oh, um, Kathy called to chat.”

“I wanted to let you know Charles came in here and dropped plane tickets on my desk. I’ll be flying out to Rochester first thing in the morning.”

“Oh.” Her disappointment rang in her voice.

“Sara?”

“Yeah?”

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I guess. It’s been awhile since you had to travel.”

“It’s part of the job.”

“I know. It’s okay, just caught me by surprise.”

“Okay, um, well I’ll see you tonight. Uh, look, what do you say we go out for dinner? Alright?”

“Okay, sure, that would be nice. I’ll see you tonight.”

Jason hung up. Fuck. Sara was already suspicious of what was going on and now this. Maybe he was being paranoid. Maybe she really didn’t suspect anything; maybe she just didn’t like being alone. Oh Lord, this whole thing was making him crazy.

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That night Jason tried to reassure Sara that everything was okay. She had always been able to see through him, to know when he was troubled. Even if she didn’t know what was going on, she knew something was amiss. As they were getting ready for bed Jason turned to her, “Sara, you know I love you, right?”

“Of course I know that, Jason. I love you too.”

“And you know, all this it isn’t about you. I’m sorry I’ve been such a shit, I don’t mean to take it out on you.”

Sara nodded, “Its okay Jason, I understand. I’m only worried about you.”

He pulled her to him and held her tightly, then he began kissing her passionately. His hands roaming over her body as he tried to convince himself as well as her that everything was all right. Although it had been sometime since her husband had been intimate with her, Sara’s body responded to his touch.

They began removing nightclothes from each other, as their kissing grew more urgent. They made their way over to the bed and Jason gently laid her down. She noticed as Jason laid his body over hers that his cock was only semi hard. She reached down and began to stroke him.

Jason felt her hand on his dick, letting his eyes drift close, images of Kyle came to his mind. ‘No,’ he thought, ‘I can’t do this, I can’t make love to my wife while fantasizing about my coworker’. He opened his eyes and forced the images from his mind.

Sara felt Jason begin to grow hard, but then moments later his cock was once again flaccid in her hand. “Jason?”

He rolled off of her and sat up on the edge of the bed, his back to her. “Jason, it’s okay. You’re under a lot of stress. That’s all it is.”

Jason felt a wave of guilt roll over him. He could turn around and make his wife happy, but only by pretending. She deserved better. Then it hit him like a wall, he was gay. All these years, he had been kidding himself. Sure there had been men from time to time, but he had always justified it. Always told himself he could be straight if he only tried harder. But now it hit him. He was a fucking faggot. And he was falling in love with Kyle.

Sara reached out to stroke her husband’s hair only for him to bolt from their bed to the bathroom where she could hear him retching as his stomach emptied itself.

“Jason? Are you alright?”

Jason had no voice to answer her. No, he wasn’t all right. Nothing was all right and he doubted it would ever be right again.

And he still had to fly to Rochester in the morning with Kyle.