Brandon Smiling: From the Billy Chase Chronicles (2) - 31. Entry 31

Thursday

Honestly, I’m getting to where I hate hearing the name Jamie Cross!

I got double-tapped today with Jamieness. It’s like he’s suddenly become this magical curse or something.

I hate feeling this way because, in all reality, this has very little to do with him and yet…it has everything to do with him!

Yeah, I know. I’m not making sense again. Billy has managed to take a cake mixer to my heart and brain once again! He’s so good at it, I have to wonder if he does it on purpose or not! However, Jamie himself didn’t help much either today. That’s because I got both sides of the story of their interview visit from Wednesday.

First, it was Jamie.

I was at my locker getting my book for First Period. I mean, I was hardly awake yet and here comes Jamie with this big smile on his silly/pretty face. He patted me on the shoulder and blurted, “Billy Chase is a cool kid! I think we might actually become friends!”

Friends? Like, friends how, exactly? I know it’s an innocent thing wanting to be friends with someone, but my jealous ass wants to know what ‘friends’ means to Jamie. Especially, where it involves my Billy!

I understand that I am insane. This is a given where Billy’s concerned, but still all I can think about is Jamie and Billy ‘doing it’ together at Jamie’s house! There’s no evidence that either one of them would even want such a thing from each other, but as sexy as they both are and as ‘flexible’ as they both seem to be with their affections, could there even be a possibility of those two getting together?

Is it possible that Jamie could steal Billy away from me before I even have the chance to tell Billy how much he means to me?

Now I’m certain that I made a mistake by not letting Billy read my ‘Everything’ poem! It would have told Billy the whole story about what he means to me! It might not be a very good poem, but it’s a pretty clear one as far as what I want to say to him.

But, if Jamie is after Billy, what good would it do for me to tell Billy about my feelings? It would be pointless! I’m no competition for Jamie Cross.

Things only got worse when I had lunch with Billy!

He went on and on about Jamie was this way and Jamie was that way, Jamie said this and Jamie said that, etc. I totally lost my appetite!

I have this huge lump in the center of my gut right now. I’m afraid! How can I possibly compete with Jamie if he decides to make special ‘friends’ with Billy?

The truth is…I can’t. If Jamie and Billy get together, that’ll be the end of it for me. I doubt Billy would even look my way again if that ever happened.

God, I’m totally crazy. Billy drives me that way. I have to wonder if this is all a game to him. Does he know what he’s doing to me? Am I getting back what I did to him before when I was trying to make him jealous? I didn’t want to do that at the time! I really had my reservations, but Chandler insisted I try it. It bore fruit. Billy did get jealous and then opened up more to me about his wanting to ‘think about me…all the time’.

Is this what Billy’s doing now? Using Jamie to try and get me to finally break loose and tell him what I should tell him…that I’m in love with him? Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe…he just loves Jamie. But, then he said he loved me…or did I just imagine that?

ARRRRGH!

This is Brandon losing his appetite…

Friday

Yeah…

So, I’m pretty sure karma is coming back to bite me in the ass.

Ok, I’ll explain…

Billy was intentionally trying to make me feel jealous today during lunch. It was totally on purpose! He’s doing just what I was trying to do a few weeks ago when I was trying to test Billy to see if he likes me or not.

Now, I see why that was probably the meanest thing I could do to Billy! It’s just cruel to toy with someone’s affections like that! But, I suppose it’s part of this stupid game that we have to play while we circle each other like pro-wrestlers looking for a hand-hold to take our opponent down.

Why do these things have to be so complicated? I swear it would be easier…and less painful…to just tear the bandage off and tell Billy how I really feel about him and let the chips fall where they may. If I had the courage to do that then that’s what I’d do. Only, I don’t seem to have that kind of courage. It would break me if I’ve gotten him all wrong and I come out with how I feel and then he rejects me. Not only rejects me, but becomes disgusted with me and paints a target on my back for being gay. Could Billy really be that cruel? Well, he’s trying to make me jealous like crazy and that hurts, so maybe he could be.

Then again, of course, the question would be why he would want me to be jealous? If I’m getting this right and he’s doing this to me on purpose, is he doing it to get me to open up to him like he did for me? That’s the million dollar question isn’t it? Is he trying to make me jealous or is he really so agog about Jamie that he can’t help but talk about him endlessly?

In a way, that’d be worse because that would mean that Billy is gay, but in love with someone else! That could easily be Jamie. Jamie is adorable and his straightness is…questionable.

I wouldn’t be able to compete with Jamie. He’s the all-star golden boy of all time and, what’s more, he’s told me how he’s noticed Billy before. I thought it was for ‘business’ reasons, namely, getting him on the football team. But, perhaps Jamie really does like Billy in the way…I like him.

As I’ve said countless times, it seems, only Billy Chase can drive me this crazy!

To make matters worse, Bobby Jinette showed up at our table for lunch today as if Billy planned it. Immediately, Bobby asks Billy if he wanted to go to a movie. Bobby asked Billy specifically like I wasn’t even at the table! I might as well have been totally invisible!

Thankfully, it seemed that this was all Bobby’s idea, because Billy looked just as surprised and uncomfortable as I did about Bobby’s invite. Billy turned him down nicely which should have been the clue Bobby needed to scram. But, seemingly tone deaf to the uncomfortableness at the table, Bobby simply smiled and plopped himself and his tray right next to Billy nearly hip to hip.

In one way, I was relieved. At least I wouldn’t have to hear about Jamie anymore. But, at the same time, I got the weird feeling that I had another competitor for Billy’s affections sitting right at the table with us eating his horrible school spaghetti.

Now, I suppose that they are just friends. Naturally, after their time at the gym together I’d figure they would be. I have no reason to be suspicious of Bobby except I know better. Bobby was being really very friendly to me not too long ago. I got the feeling he was trying to feel me out to see if I might be interested in being more than friends. Bobby’s not a subtle guy, to be honest.

Now, he’s being extra friendly with Billy in that same way. So now I feel like I’m in a three way tug-of-war for Billy between me, Jamie, and now Bobby! Everybody seems to want a piece of Billy these days.

How can I convince Billy and every one else that he’s mine?

I hate myself that I can’t answer that right now. I’m not ready yet! I need more time! I need to ‘let in and let go’ just like my poem to Billy says. I’ve got to have courage and do this and do it soon or I will lose Billy to one of these other guys eventually.

I can’t let that happen! I’ve worked too hard and too long to get us into position so we can fall in love and live happily ever after!

This is Brandon a victim of perfect karma!