Memoirs of a child of the past century - 10. Chapter 10 : Interlude

After writing and posted on a GA the first part of my history, I notice:

• that I have taken a lot of pleasure from remembering and formatting my memories,

• that I have to wonder if such a confession has its place here.

What I write is not a fiction. It is a story (maybe a bit fictionalized) illustrating my own life. It combines the description of facts (as they remain in my memory) with the expressions of my feelings as I write.

Faced with my memories, I do not know if I write first for me in order to clarify my thoughts, without hiding anything, or if I write for others by avoiding talking about some 'hidden' aspects of my personality? Honesty would like real transparency, but do I really have the courage to be honest?

Writing about oneself is placing myself in a harsh light, often brutal. Exposing myself as I could do presents a certain danger. I admire those who show themselves in their true light in their blogs or often in their calls for help.

In all the years during which I gathered the notes which are now the base of my history, my character became stronger. I accept myself as I am now. I believe I know my faults and my qualities. All my experiences, good and bad, have shown me that I am today who I was already in my early childhood.

The questions I ask myself here merely confirm it. In the formation of a personality, what is part of the innate and what of the acquired? Both are important, but basically, I am the heir to a lineage and the basis of my personality comes from those who preceded me.

I was lucky enough to have been confronted with myself through a Jungian psychoanalysis. Unlike Freudian or behaviorist psychiatrists, Jungians attach high importance to dreams. Patients learn to remember their dreams and to analyze them, making notices about their dreams in the first minutes after waking up. I learnt it and I go through my notes almost weekly.

Every night I see myself in situations from my past, but these situations are changed in the dream, they evolve according to my desires and often result in more rewarding situations that show me what I should have or could have done. Even if this does not correspond to reality, my dreams seem to show me that all my past actions have ultimately contributed to my development in a positive way. It seems to me that life has taught me a better understanding of my character and to accept me as I am today.

The feeling of being guided is another strong point of these setbacks. I have lived many, many ups and downs. The good times have not left much traces, but I realize that difficult times allowed me to confront myself and, in retrospect, I think I have always found the strength to 'bounce'. I have always found a way to get me out, despite all the difficulties. In the worst moments, I always felt 'supported' either by my surroundings, or by an apparently fortuitous event that allowed me to find a solution that justified my optimism.

All things considered, I think I should write actually two versions of my story:

A first version for GA for readers, exposing my life and adventures, with emphasis on a didactic aspect, that may be of interest to anyone looking in my story for an aid to better live their own life,

A second version, intended to clarify my personal thoughts and actions, of which for the moment I should be the only reader. It should contain the description of those of my actions which I hesitate in a first step to present in broad daylight, such as the evolution of my sexuality.

I always knew I was bisexual, finding my pleasure as well with girls as with boys. I'm not sure if this aspect of my story would interest anybody other than me . I have allready talk about my early experiences in this matter in the chapters about my early childhood and I mentioned some facts and feelings in my blogs and in my comments to several topics.

I think I could find a certain pleasure to talk about the good and bad moments of my meetings with partners I met by chance in appropriate places for such meetings. I have never deceived my wife with other women. My relationships with men were just for me the opportunity to share moments of fun and friendship. Some lasted only the time of one event. Others were more durable but never been anything but a pleasant pastime..

I let to my readers the concern to judge my behavior. I am free of my actions and I have no remorse for being what I am: a man for whom sexuality is always accompanied by fun, regardless of the person, man or woman, with whom I share this pleasure.

Concluding these reflections, when I said earlier that I accept myself as I am, I count also among it my sexual orientation. Having lived almost 60 years with a woman I still love and having been the father of four children is a fact. Having had alongside many homosexual experiences, both in ongoing relationships and in casual encounters with no future, is another fact.

And now I return to my armchair and I sit by the fireplace, adding a few logs on the fire. Then I open my laptop and I resume the thread of my story.