A Lens That's Black and White - 4. Chapter 4 - Viz

Chapter 4 – Viz

The sun shone through my blinds and turned my vision red through my eyelids. I rolled over and pulled my blanket over my face to block the imposing light. It was Saturday but I knew I had to get up sometime so I reluctantly rolled out of bed and slipped some sweatpants on. I was walking out of my room and rubbing sleep out of my eyes when I heard a muffled sound.

It was coming from the theatre on the left hand hallway. When I walked in I saw that my mom was sitting in one of the seats in the first row of the theatre, sobbing with her head in her hands and rocking back of fourth. There was a paused video on the screen of me and my father, back when I was a toddler. “Mom? Are you okay?” Seeing her in so much pain was hard.

She looked up at me with bloodshot eyes and a tear stained face and tried to pull herself together. “I'm fine, sweetheart. There's breakfast ready for you downstairs,” She replied as she sniffled and wiped her face.

“You don't have to pretend, Mom,” I said delicately. I sat in the chair beside her and wrapped my arms tightly around her, surprised by how natural it was. “I know you miss him, I do too.”

“I miss him so much,” she admitted and started sobbing again, clinging onto my shirt and burying her face in my chest. “A-And I know I've been the worst mother, Jonah, I know. I'm trying so hard but every time I see your face, I see your father. You look just like him.”

I stayed silent because I couldn't lie and say that she'd been a great mother in the past five years and I didn't even know what to say about me looking like my father. Was that her excuse for not talking to me, for barely being around? I didn't want to tell her but it didn't feel like enough.

“I thought that if I gave you everything money could buy, you'd be okay,” she admitted. “I hope you never doubted that I loved you, Jonah because I love you with all my heart. I've just been in a hard place.”

“And I haven't?” I whispered, almost inaudibly.

She looked up at me with her soft gray eyes, looking sad and pitiful. “I know you have too. I'm trying to get better, I've started seeing a therapist. I need you to know I'm working on this, and I want to work on us too.”

I nodded and stood up, averting my eyes. “I'm going to eat breakfast,” I said quietly.

“Okay,” she replied weakly. I turned around, not able to look at her. Five years of being ignored and having everything material thing a teenage boy could want shoved at me in place of love and somehow she wanted things to just be better? I loved my mother, I did, but I couldn't forgive her, not yet. I felt like she'd left me out in the rain and ran into shelter, like she was the only one who wanted to stay dry. I'd been grieving too—I'd lost my father. But all she seemed to notice was her own pain.

I wanted things to be better, I really did. But I needed more than her acknowledgment that our relationship wasn't what it once was.

The weekend went by fast. After that Saturday morning, Mom was back to being gone to who knows where and I was in our house, watching clips of films I'd made just for the heck of it. It was lonely being in the house alone. The maids came and cleaned on Sunday, not that there was much to clean, because I was the only one who used the house for things other than sleeping.

Mom even had people restock the fridge every weekend because she was too busy to do it herself. I wasn't even sure what Mom's job was anymore. I think she was an event planner, but I couldn't be sure because, like I said, we don't talk much. She didn't really need a job because we had so much money saved up but I think she liked working and keeping busy. She said she kept a job so that when I went to college I wouldn't have to work and would only have to worry about my education and not money. And that one day, when she died, I'd have a trust fund.

Really, I think she just needed to get away from the house that reminded her of what her husband had left behind and away from the son that painfully resembled her dead husband.

I was relieved when Monday came and I had an excuse to leave my big, vacant house.

The day was boring as usual, and even though I'd got to stare at the back of Eli's head in Creative Writing, it wasn't until lunch that the day perked up. When I got my lunch and went to go sit at the table I always sat at alone, Eli called my name. I looked up from my food, surprised. He was sitting at his usual table, a few tables down and to the left of me, and he gestured for me to go over there.

I stood up and walked to his table and just stood there for a moment, not sure if he was actually inviting me to sit down. “Take a seat, dude,” he said and I sat down across from him. “Guys this is Viz. He's my partner in Film class.”

“Hey,” some of the hockey players muttered and the cheerleaders and popular girls who sat with them completely ignored me. But, I was used to be ignored by girls like them.

I looked up and was startled to see that Eli's best friend, Jake, was glaring at me. I looked down at my food and started eating, wondering what I'd done to make Jake look at me like that. He stopped glaring when Eli struck up a conversation with him and I sighed in relief. “Viz?” I looked up, surprised to hear my name.

“Yeah?” I breathed.

“I was asking if you were okay? You look all depressed,” Eli said, only half-joking.

I laughed breathily. “I'm fine.” I wasn't depressed, I was nervous and still wondering why Eli had invited me to sit with him and his friends.

“So, um, do you wanna come over and hang out with me and Jake after school?” Eli offered. I looked at him to see if he was serious and saw sincerity and, dare I say, a little hope in his blue eyes.

“Yeah, sounds cool. I'll be there,” I told him.

“Great,” he grinned, his blue eyes bright. I watched him smile and go off into conversations with everyone at the table. I loved that smile. There was nothing I wouldn't do to keep a smile on that beautiful face of his. When he smiled, the whole room seemed to light up and fill with joy.

At the end of the day, I met Eli by the front entrance like I'd done so many times before but this time he'd invited me to hang out with him and his best friend, no project involved just friends hanging out. “Hey, Viz,” he greeted me with a smile. I couldn't help but smile back as we got into his sister's car and she drove off. The car was quiet, aside from the song playing on the radio, something about being fly and G6's.

When we arrived at Eli's house, Jake was already there, leaning against his pickup truck with his hands in his pockets. Jake was good-looking, I realized. He had a kind of grungy look with messy dark brown hair and tanned skin, an old t-shirt and black jacket, and faded jeans. He was skinny yet toned and I could see why girls were always trying to hang around him and Eli. They both had looks that could kill.

We walked inside and I instinctively took off my shoes and dropped them by the door. “Hey, Mom,” Eli said, and I looked up and saw a woman in her early forties smiling at us. She had blue eyes, just like the rest of Eli's family, and the same sandy dirty blonde hair that Eli and Tabby had. “Oh, I forgot you two haven't met. This is Viz.”

His mom smiled warmly at me and shook my hand. “Nice to meet you, Viz,” she smiled. “Oh and the boy is polite too, he actually takes his shoes off without having to be asked.” She laughed, her blue eyes sparkling, kind of like Eli's did when he laughed. I blushed slightly. Taking off my shoes when I entered a house had been drilled into my mind by my mom who hated anything that wasn't clean on her marble floors and tan carpets.

“What are you doing home, anyway?” Eli asked as he and Jake reluctantly took off their shoes.

“A friend of mine wanted to work more hours and asked to cover my shift. I decided I need a day off anyway,” she replied. “I'm gonna go up to my room, you boys make sure you at least get some homework done.” There was a smile on her face and I decided that I liked his mom.

An hour later we were all laughing and watching an old Bruce Lee movie in Eli's living room. “Don't you just wish you were Bruce Lee?” Eli joked.

“Nah, I'm much more of a James Bond type of guy,” Jake said in the huskiest voice he could muster and pushed his hair back to give it then tamed and classy effect.

“Is that your attempt at being sexy?” Eli asked, trying to contain his laughter but not hard enough to actually do it. He busted out laughing and Jake punched him in the arm.

“You know you can't resist this,” Jake said in that same voice and I couldn't help but laugh and soon enough we were all laughing like old friends. I was surprised that Jake had been nice to me this whole time, he seemed to hate me any other time. I didn't know why he seemed to hate me anyway but I was just glad we could all get along and actually have fun.

“What's so damn hilarious?” Tabby asked, standing in the entrance to the living room and looking amused.

“It's just—Jake..he...” Eli stuttered but couldn't stop laughing long enough to tell the story.

“Okay, who spiked his drink?” Tabby joked. “I'm sure nothing is that funny.” She walked over to smack Eli in the back of the head before walking away.

“Okay, I think I'm all laughed out,” Eli said, grinning. “I guess it really wasn't that funny,” he observed and I laughed at him.

We sat and watched the rest of the movie and I decided it was probably time for me to go. “That was a pretty good movie,” I said. “I should probably call my mom to come get me now.”

“Why don't you have a car, anyway?” Eli asked.

“I do,” I admitted.

“You have a car but you choose to ride the bus?” he asked, incredulously.

“Well, I can't drive since I'm only fifteen , my mom's too busy to drive me, and I don't need to have a chauffeur driving me to school, I'd rather just take the bus,” I replied.

“You're fifteen?” Eli questioned, surprised.

“Yeah, I turn sixteen October 15^th.”

“Dude, you're so young,” he teased, grinning.

“Not that young,” I protested. “When's your birthday?”

“May 2^nd.”

“See! You're only five months older than me,” I exclaimed, feeling like a little kid arguing over who's older than who.

“Whatever,” he laughed and I smiled at him. I looked up and Jake was giving me that look again, that look of hatred and maybe even jealousy. But why would he be jealous of me? He was the one with the looks and athletic ability and friends. And why would he hate me? I barely knew him and I hadn't given him a reason to hate me.

“Well, um, I should go call my mom,” I said quietly and stood up and excused myself to the kitchen. “Hey, mom, can you pick me up?” I asked when she answered her phone.

“Oh, honey, I'm in an important meeting for the debutant ball I'm planning. I'll send a driver right over though! Love you,” she said in a rush and hung up. Of course she'd send someone to pick me up, she could never take time out of her busy life for her son. I was starting to think all that stuff she'd said about getting better and wanting to fix things between us was a bunch of bullshit.

“You okay?” I turned around and Eli was standing there, looking at me with a concerned look on his adorable face.

“Oh yeah, I'm fine. My mom's on her way,” I lied. I'm not sure why I lied. Maybe because it was too hard to admit that my own mother never had time for me or maybe because I was too embarrassed for Eli to know. I walked with Eli back to the living room and waited on his couch until I heard a horn being honked. “That's my ride,” I announced and waved at Eli and Jake. Jake gave me his best fake smile but I saw right through it.

As I walked out the door and got into the backseat of the shiny black Lincoln SUV, I couldn't help but wonder if anyone could look at me with a genuine smile anymore.