A Lens That's Black and White - 8. Chapter 8 - Viz

Chapter 8 – Viz

I laid on my bed and just stared at the ceiling for what seemed like forever. Hours must have passed, the sun went down but I made no move to get up. I still didn't hear my mom get home. I must've fallen asleep after a while because I woke up in my clothes, still laying on top of my covers in the same position, curled into a ball.

After a quick shower, I went downstairs and into the kitchen and almost turned around to run back upstairs when I saw my mom cooking eggs and bacon. I'd been waiting for her but now that she was here, I just wanted to hide. She must hate me. I started slowly backing out. I couldn't do this, not now. If she had something to say, I wasn't sure I could take it.

“We need to talk, Viz,” she said calmly. Damn it, she'd seen me. She finished the bacon and the two omelets she'd been making and placed them on two plates which she set on the kitchen island bar. My mom looked up as she pulled out a stool in front of the island and sat down. I figured there was no getting out of this so I just took the seat next to her and quietly began to eat my omelet. “So, was that you're boyfriend?” I nearly choked on my omelet and had to cough several times before I looked up at my mom, startled. She'd said it almost conversationally. What the hell was wrong with her? Why wasn't she disowning me?

“I...um, yeah, he was. Is,” I admitted, wincing as I waited for her response.

She put down her fork carefully and matched my green gaze with her gray one. “Why didn't you tell me, Viz? Have we grown so distant that we keep secrets from each other?” Her jaw was set and she was obsessively tapping her fingers against the table.

“When would I tell you, mom? When you're not home, or when you're just to busy ignoring me to listen? Or maybe I should've told you while you were planning all those pointless debutante balls instead of watching my film that won a film festival contest,” I retorted, my face turning red with anger. She had no reason to be mad at me! She was the one who didn't even know her own son. And she expected me to tell her I was gay? I hadn't even known I was gay until a month before. I was just now able to admit to myself and she was mad that I hadn't told her?

“You wouldn't have told me anyway, Viz! You just push me away,” she whispered, her voice small.

“You don't even know me! You haven't seen even one of my films. You don't know if I'm failing or acing any of my classes, or what classes I'm even taking. You don't know what I want to do with my future or what I like or any freaking thing about me, do you? No, you don't!” I watched as tears welled up in her gray eyes and she looked defeated. Silence stretched on and she just stared at me with something like hurt in her eyes. I couldn't take staring at her and knowing that my words had hurt so I turned around with every intention of leaving and going somewhere—anywhere but here.

“Wait, Viz, please. I want to know you, I do! Please, give me a chance. I want to know you, and watch your films, and check your homework, and be able to talk to you,” she responded, her voice cracking several times. When I turned back around, tears streaked her face and she was clutching my arm so hard it was starting to hurt. “I never meant to miss a film festival of yours. I never meant to hurt you, ever. You are my son and I love you, no matter what. Please, can we just talk? Will you just give me a chance?”

I stared at my mother for a long moment. I'd only seen her look this vulnerable twice, when she found out that my father had cancer, and the day he died. She looked so pitiful, practically begging to talk to me. Was this the same woman who I'd shared a house with for the past five years? I felt the anger drain out of me. It was like suddenly she was my mom again and I was just a little kid who looked at her like she held the answers to the world. In that moment, it was almost like nothing had changed, like my father was still alive and we were still a happy little family.

“Okay,” I rasped. I cleared my throat and my mom led me into the theatre upstairs, abandoning our food. In our old house, the theatre had been me and my dad's favorite room. We'd sit and watch movies, mostly our own, for hours. When he died, I'd hide out in there and sit in my usual spot, close my eyes, and pretend he was there next to me, watching a movie with me. When we moved, I could no longer do that because his memory wasn't in the new house. But when I walked into the theatre with my mother, I imagined that one day, our theatre could feel like a safe haven again.

My mom sat down in the first row of cushioned seats and I sat gingerly next to her. “I love you. You do know that, right? I didn't realize that while I was taking this time to grieve, you were growing up and changing and I was missing it. I guess I thought I could hide away and when I came out of hiding, you'd still be the little boy I knew. But you're not, and I see that now,” my mom started, staring ahead at the blank screen and smiling slightly. “God, I'm so sorry, Jonah. I'm so sorry. I want to know you, I really do.” When she turned to face me, I could see that her smile was sad and tears were brimming in her eyes. I couldn't think of anything to say. It's okay? But it wasn't okay and I couldn't lie and say that it was so I stayed silent. When I didn't speak, she continued. “I don't expect you to just accept that. It's not enough to apologize, so let's try to move on instead.”

“Okay,” I said again, sounding like a lost child.

“Why don't you stay home today? I'm not gonna go in to work either. It's not important,” Mom smiled a little at me and I just shrugged. Skipping school was fine with me, except when I had to spend the day working out years of issues with my mom. “When did you know you were gay?”

I swallowed, my throat feeling suddenly dry. “Just over a month ago, is when I really knew. When I met Eli.” What the hell was I doing, having sharing time with my mom? We weren't that kind of family. We hadn't been for over five years.

“You really like him then, huh?” When I looked over at her, she was smiling at me and it was like we were just a normal mother and son talking about relationships.

“Yeah,” I agreed quietly. I did really like Eli. I felt like I could more than like Eli but I knew it was too soon to start thinking that way.

“I can tell by the way you look when you talk about him. You're smiling and I don't even think you know it,” she observed.

“You don't even care...t-that I'm gay?” I asked incredulously.

“I love you whether you love a man or a woman. You could be gay, bisexual, straight, transgender, have blue skin, anything, and you'd still be my child and I'd still love you,” she said quite simply. “I was a little shocked yesterday, that's all. I mean, you can't blame me. I saw my son half naked and about to do God knows what.”

My cheeks flushed and I looked away from her, staring down at my hands as if they held a way to get away from this embarrassment. “I didn't know you were gonna be home,” I whispered sheepishly.

“Maybe we should talk about this, honey. Just some ground rules: if you are going to be having sex—which I hope you're not—always use protection. Meaning condoms. Use two if you have to.”

“Mom!” I started to protest but she cut me off.

“And please do not have sex in my house! You know what, don't have sex at all, but especially not here. And if you choose to ignore me and do it anyway, just make sure I don't know about it. Just let me pretend that you're my innocent little boy,” she said in a rush, making sure she gave me no room to interrupt. I think my face might've paled about three shades by the time she stopped talking. “Sorry this must be embarrassing but it must be said. Okay, I'm done for now.” She smiled lopsidedly and I couldn't help but chuckle. I was just now having the sex talk with my mom. At least it was, for the most part, over.

I stared ahead for a second as the room plummeted into silence. It wasn't uncomfortable and not nearly as loaded with unspoken conversations as usual. We weren't fixed, we weren't even close to it but we were finally starting the process of repair. My eyes wandered to the old tapes on the shelf on the right wall. “You want to watch some?” I asked suddenly. Mom's eyes followed mine and she nodded. I stood up and took out my favorite tape and put it in the projector and then went back to my spot next to my mom. I hadn't watched this tape since a year before we moved.

The screen flicked to life and I reached over to flick the light switch off. I looked up at the screen to see the four year old version of myself running around a Christmas tree and laughing. My father was chasing me, almost tripping over his robe in the process and you could here my mom laughing, the camera shaking as she did. “Jonah, stop running or you won't be able to open your gifts!” my father exclaimed, slightly out of breath. I immediately stopped running and hopped up to sit on the couch where my father had plopped down.

“I wanna open my present!” little me exclaimed, a huge smiling spreading across my face. Dad ruffled my dark hair and grabbed a medium sized package from under the tree and put it in my tiny fingers. I ripped the wrapping paper off with eager fingers and opened a box to find a small camcorder. “A camera! Does it really record stuff, Daddy?”

“Yeah, it really records stuff,” Dad assured me. I smiled and clutched the little camcorder as if my life depended on it. The video suddenly cut to what looked like an accidental recording. It showed a sideways video of my parents sitting on the couch, looking lovingly at each other.

“He really loves it. I don't think he'll ever put that camera down,” my mother smiled.

“I know,” my dad sighed a sigh of contentment and smiled down at my mother, absentmindedly petting her hair.

The mini-movie ended and I looked over cautiously. My mother was smiling that sad smile of hers as tears streaked down her face. “He loved you, you know. You were his pride and joy, his perfect little boy. He used to say his son was gonna be the best filmmaker there ever was. I believe him,” Mom said. She met my eyes and genuinely smiled.

“I don't think so...” I protested halfheartedly. I smiled thinking of my father saying that. I was his pride and joy? God, I missed him. I wonder what he would think if he knew I were gay.

“I do. And God, I'm so sorry that I haven't been here for you, Jonah,” my mother replied quickly. She wiped her tears and smiled again, eyes clouding over for a second. “You know why I like to call you Jonah? Your father took one look at you when you were born and said, 'He looks like a Jonah'. I fell in love with the name, and you. But I'm realizing that you're Viz. You've grown and changed so much, and for the better. I'm not missing anything anymore, okay?”

“Okay, Mom,” I whispered. My voice broke a little, and I felt tears burning at the back of my eyes. I bit down hard on my lip to keep them back. My mom enveloped me in a hug and I didn't protest, instead I hugged her back. I knew my mom wasn't perfect—hell, I didn't know anyone who was—but she was still my mom and when it came down to it, I loved her.

I walked up the walkway to Eli's house and rang the doorbell. His mom opened the door wearing a warm smile and a blue blouse that brought out her eyes. “Oh, hello, Viz. Come on in. Eli's just up in his room, I'm sure he won't mind if you just go on up,” she smiled as she let me in and closed the door behind me.

“Thanks, Mrs. Cole.” I grinned back at her, slipped off my shoes, and bounded up the stairs. When I reached Eli's door, I hesitated for a moment but then decided that he wouldn't mind if I didn't knock, so I pushed the door open.

Eli's back was to me and he and Jake were embracing—clinging on to each other way too hard for my liking—and Jake's face was buried in his neck with his eyes squeezed shut. I cleared my throat loudly. You would've thought Eli electrocuted him, the way Jake jumped away from him when he saw me. “Hey, guys,” I said slowly.

Eli turned around and smiled at me. “See you later, Eli,” Jake said to him with a little wave. Jake looked at his feet and then met my eyes and said, “Bye, Viz,” with a reluctant smile. I didn't attempt to smile back. He pushed his way past me and out the door, closing it behind him. We stood there in silence for a few moments before Eli spoke.

“He's been having a rough few days, I'm just trying to cheer him up,” Eli explained. He walked to the back of the room and sat on his bed and I joined him. “So why weren't you in school? What's up?” I guess the matter of Jake and him was over, for now.

“My mom made me stay home so we could talk.”

“How'd it go?” he asked cautiously, his pinky finger inching across his bed spread to settle right on top of mine.

“Not as bad as I thought it would,” I admitted truthfully. “She doesn't care that I'm gay. She was just shocked yesterday. I can understand that. And she basically told me to use protection and that she doesn't want me having sex and some other really uncomfortable crap. It was almost like I was just any other teen having 'the talk' with their mom.”

“She didn't care?” Eli's thick blonde eyebrows shot up, disappearing under his hair. I shook my head with a shrug. It was pretty shocking, my mom being supportive. My mom even talking to me about anything real was shocking but we were both trying at this mother-son relationship thing. “I told you,” Eli smiled. I nudged him in the ribs with my elbow.

“We just sat watching old videos and talking all day. It wasn't so bad,” I whispered. Eli's blue eyes studied my face and he smiled, showing the dimple on his left cheek. “You know, you look really cute when you smile and I can see your dimple. Really cute.”

“You look really cute all the time,” he replied, his hand coming to rest on my neck. Our lips met and everything else seemed to just fade away. It was just Eli and his soft lips and his smell of masculinity and sexiness. His fingers dug into the skin on my hips and he laid me down so we were laying side by side, face-to-face. I kissed him again and his hands twined through my hair. Our chests were pressed together and I could feel his heart beating in time with my own. Moments like these were the ones I wanted to keep forever.

A sudden knock at the door startled both of us and we shot apart. We both sat up and sat on the edge of the bed, smoothing down our hair and clothes. “Come in,” Eli called, his voice husky. His sister swung the door open and looked between us for a moment.

“I was just gonna tell you that dinner's ready and mom said Viz is welcome to stay and eat with us. By the way, your hair's still sticking up, Eli. Might want to fix that. Don't want to look too sketchy,” Tabby chuckled, smirking. She looked dead at me and winked and then closed the door.

I turned to Eli with one eyebrow raised. I was about to say, “What the hell?” when he said, “She knows I'm gay. I guess she connected the dots.” He must've seen my expression as my face paled considerably because he added, “She won't tell anyone. I promise. Let's go eat.”

Eli gave me a reassuring smile and I found myself smiling back. His strong arms encircled me for a moment before he let go and headed for the door. Gosh, he had a cute ass. I smiled to myself as I followed him downstairs. Things were getting better for the first time in a long time. Eli was as close to perfect as a person could get and he was mine. I loved being able to say that. I was trying to salvage what I could of my relationship with my mom. Things could only get better from here.