A Lens That's Black and White - 6. Chapter 6 - Viz

Chapter 6 – Viz

When he left, I wondered where we stood. Were we now an item? Neither of us were out yet, so where did that leave our relationship? Did he want to have a relationship that was a secret? Did he even want a relationship with me, or did he just want to stay friends? I didn't know the answer to any of the questions swirling around in my mind. I'd been tempted to beg him to stay when he said he had to leave but that was ridiculous. I would see him tomorrow.

That night I kept replaying what happened between me and Eli over and over again.

We'd been sitting on my bed watching some movie that I'd randomly picked out and I scooted closer to him while he wasn't looking. The next thing I knew, he was closing the distance between us and twining his fingers through my hair. I'd felt his tongue and opened my mouth, flicking my tongue out to meet his. And I'd thought: Oh. My. God. Eli Cole is kissing me, on my bed. Eli freaking Cole has his tongue in my mouth! He'd pulled me closer, smushing his chest against mine. It was an awkward position, since we were both sitting up and facing each other, with our legs still in front of us. Eli pulled me down so we were lying on our sides and kissing.

I'd pulled away for air and said, “We have to breathe, Eli,” with a laugh. I think he would've kept kissing me until he ran out of air and that fact almost scared me. Why would Eli want to kiss me, of all people? I was a guy, and that made him gay. Whoa, he was gay? It was still a shock. And plus, it was me. What was kissable about me?

The whole thing was so surreal I'd had to reach out and run my fingers over his cheek to see if he was really there. There was a slight stubble along his jawline, like he'd forgotten to shave. He actually needed to shave. I'd suddenly felt very unmanly next to him.

While I laid in my bed, thinking about all that had happened, I accepted that he actually wanted to be with me, for some odd reason, and I was the happiest I'd been in years. Literally, years.

I fell asleep thinking about him and found myself dreaming about him. When I woke up, I couldn't remember my dream but I was covered in my own sperm, so I could guess what it was about. My face flushed, even though I was alone in my room.

I suddenly felt like the things I was feeling for Eli were dangerous. Not because I was gay or anything like that but because I was falling for him, slowly but surely. I was falling for him with my eyes closed and waiting to see if he'd reach out and catch me. Or that's what it felt like anyway. Eli was popular, he was as close to perfect as anyone here got and he just couldn't be gay. Not now, not in high school. And where did that leave me? With the way I was feeling now, probably brokenhearted and alone because who knew how long this thing would last. Who knew if Eli could ever actually feel something for me other than maybe attraction.

As I cleaned myself up and got ready for school that morning, I couldn't help but feel a sense of dread at having to see Eli after we'd made out the day before. If he looked at me, who knows what my face—or another part of my body that was much lower—might give away.

I walked down to the kitchen, dressed in my usual baggy black pants that hung low on my hips despite my studded belt, black t-shirt, black fingerless glove, old converse sneakers, and an added mesh sleeve that reached from my wrist to my elbow on my left arm.

“I know you're going through this teen angst phase but must you always where this Gothic getup?” my mother's voice rang out as she walked into the kitchen holding a cup of coffee in two hands. Her blonde hair was out of its usual bun and cascading over her shoulders and she was wearing a cashmere sweater and tan slacks.

“I happen to like my style, Mom. What's your excuse for your country club Martha Stewart getup?” I retorted. I suppose she could've just been trying to be a mother but I didn't like the way she talked about the way I dressed. I was not a goth. Period. And, well, I was sarcastic. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings or anything, it just kind of worked out that way.

“Grab something quick to eat, you're going to be late for school if you don't get a move on. I'm driving you today,” she said, ignoring my remark. She swallowed her coffee but I knew the bitter expression on her face had less to do with the taste of it, and more to do with the fact that she was driving me to school. I think she might have been a little more enthused if I'd been nicer. But I wasn't apologizing or anything close to that.

I grabbed a poptart out of the pantry and followed my mom out into our three car garage. We only had two cars, but the third space came in handy, every once in a while. My mom's car was a silver Ford Escape Hybrid. I don't know why she needed an SUV when she was the only one who drove it and it's not like she was the type of mom who herded her son's friends around and needed the space. But, then again, nothing we had was needed. We just had things because we could, not so much because we needed or even wanted some things.

The fifteen minute drive was silent and it was the type of silence with tension and unspoken words so thick that it would take a jackhammer to shatter. When we arrived at the front entrance of the school, my mother leaned over and kissed the top of my head with a small smile. It was a genuine smile, which surprised me, but it was also a sad smile. “Have fun at school, Jonah,” she said. I didn't even protest when she called me Jonah, I couldn't find the energy to do so. I just smiled and got out of the car. I think she watched me the whole way into the building.

When I walked in, I saw Jake in the hallway. I could feel him glaring at me but I just looked at my feet and tried to walk past him. He reached out and grabbed my arm, not roughly but firmly. I stopped and looked at him expectantly. “So, Eli told you, huh?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, impatiently.

“He didn't even ask me if I want anyone to know.”

“I'm his...uh, his friend. And it's not like I'm gonna tell anyone.”

“Yeah, well, I've been his friend since we were eleven.”

“He can have more than one friend.”

“And only one boyfriend.” He looked down. “Are you two together now?”

“I don't know,” I answered truthfully.

“How can he choose you over me, after all we've been through?” he whispered, more to himself than to me.

“How can you make him choose?” I countered. “If you really loved him, you'd want him to be happy.”

Jake looked down at me with sad brown eyes and said, “I just don't understand why he can't be happy with me.”

“He loves you, you know. You're like a second brother to him.”

“I know,” he sighed. “God, I need to fix this. I'm sorry for being a jackass, Viz. It's just hard when someone you love doesn't love you back, you know?” He patted me on the shoulder and walked away. I felt bad for him. I knew what it was like to feel that way about Eli and I couldn't imagine how hard it would be if he were in love with someone else, especially if I'd spent so much time trying to get him to see that I was in love with him, like Jake had.

I walked to class, anxiously fidgeting because I knew I'd have to see Eli again soon.

My first two classes went by way too quickly for my liking and soon I was sitting in Creative Writing and waiting for Eli to walk in. When he did, his brilliant blue eyes went straight to me and he paused in the doorway, causing the kid walking behind him to run into him. He walked to his desk, his cheeks red and my eyes followed him.

He was so damn attractive and I was so damn hormonal. I watched him slide into his desk and place his arms on the top of it. His back muscles rippled through the material of his t-shirt and I had to look away because I could feel myself almost getting hard just from looking at his body. This would be a long day.

At lunch, I sat at a half empty table in a corner of the lunchroom, thankful that Eli didn't invite me to sit with him and his friends today. Jake was still avoiding everyone at lunch and it almost felt wrong for me to sit there when he wasn't there. He was the one who actually belonged with them, not me.

By the time last period rolled around, I decided that I would invite Eli to my house today. I mean, we needed to talk about where we stood. But, let's face it, those weren't my only intentions. I had to be near him. And once that happened, we might end up playing a little tonsil hockey, who knew.

I sat down next to Eli at our table and glanced at him but he was staring intently ahead. Mr. Graenley walked in and cleared his throat, quieting the class. “Guess what, class? It's time for a new project. We'll be starting...drum roll, please...short horror movies!” A lot of people cheered at that. “We'll start watching them on Halloween, so they'll be due October 31^st. I've decided to keep you in the same partners since you all did so well on your last films together. I'm gonna pass out a project sheet with all the requirements and criteria. Good luck!”

I looked at Eli and he was smiling his beautiful smile. “This is gonna be awesome,” I said, glancing at the rubric Mr. Graenley had just passed out. It could be a zombie movie, a serial killer thriller, or virtually anything we wanted. At the bottom there was a little note that said we'd get one makeup kit each and not to waste it. I could always buy my own makeup, anyway. What else did I have to spend money on?

“Yeah,” Eli agreed, looking at me. He was staring at me intensely and light was streaming through the window next to him, creating a halo of golden light behind him. At first I thought I was imagining it and blinked a couple of times but there he was, glowing. It almost looked like he was radiating light. He might as well have been.

I looked away and shook my head, knowing I'd been staring too long. I cleared my throat and said, “So, um, you wanna come over today? Just to hang out, not for the project or anything.” I was still looking down at my hands but glanced up at him.

“I have to go talk to Jake after school, but I can come over after,” he replied.

“Yeah, sounds good,” I whispered back and then turned to the front of the classroom where Mr. Graenley was looking annoyed at our talking during his lecture on the origin or horror movies. I opened my notebook and started to take notes as he began his lecture again.

The day went by quickly after that and soon I was home. The silence in my empty house was deafening. My phone rang in my pocket and I fished it out and saw that it was my mom. “Hello?”

“Hey, sweetie. I just called to tell you that I don't know when I'll be home. Probably not until close to dinner time, if this thing runs over. If you get hungry before then, there's some spaghetti that the chef made for me a few nights ago. It's delicious,” my mom said.

“'Kay, Mom,” I answered, not that I was planning on eating her old spaghetti. I wondered why she would call to tell me that, it's not like her not being home when I got there was new. I guess she was actually trying to make thing better between us.

“Love you. Bye,” she said. I slid my phone back in my pocket and went up to my room and started my homework while I waited for Eli. The doorbell rang about an hour later and I nearly tripped over myself as I rushed to go get the door.

Eli stood on my doorstep, smiling down at me in the most adorable way. He stepped in and kissed me on the cheek. “Hey,” he whispered against my ear. My heart started beating erratically. The things this boy did to me.

“Hey,” I breathed. He followed me upstairs and I sat gingerly on my bed, cross-legged, and faced him. “We should probably talk. You know, about yesterday,” I started.

“What about it?”

“Well...um, what are we now?” I questioned cautiously.

He took my hand and I looked shyly up at him. “I want to be your boyfriend. I mean, if that's okay with you,” he told me, twining his fingers through mine.

My breath hitched and my heart gave a little squeeze. He wanted to be my boyfriend. He wanted to be my boyfriend! “That's more than okay with me. I, um, I really like you, Eli.”

“Really?” he whispered, a smile teasing the corners of his pink lips.

“Really,” I assured him. I felt like I should be the one asking him. The whole thing was still surreal to me. Eli leaned forward and our lips met. His lips were extremely soft. His hand reached for the small of my back and we both laid down, slowly.

I let his tongue slide in my mouth and ran my fingers through his feathery hair. He tasted like spearmint gum and sexiness, if that was even possible. Eli's fingers dug into my hips and he pulled me closer to his muscular body. We kissed as if our lives depended on it, all passion and desperation at the same time. It was heaven.

Eli pulled away and then started planting gentle kisses on my neck, making a trail down to my collar bone. He retraced the trail all the way back up my neck and started sucking on the skin. His kissing and sucking literally sent shivers down my spine and I was starting to get a hard-on. His hands were running down my back, up and down my sides, caressing every part me they could reach while he was still pressed against me.

I gently pulled away and pushed Eli down so he was lying on his back. I paused for a moment, staring at his budding erection, and then straddled him and kissed him again. I'd never done anything even remotely close to this. I mean, I'd made out with a couple of girls, but it had never gone farther than kissing, for obvious reasons. Eli was the first guy I'd ever kissed. And now I was sitting on top of him and rubbing myself up against him.

I broke the kiss and leaned down to kiss his neck. He shivered with pleasure and I noticed my heart was beating harder than it ever had. I knew we weren't going to go very far but I wanted to. Oh God, I really wanted to.

Eli lifted my chin and kissed me deeply, his hands wandering down my back to run over my ass and squeeze. I made a little sound of pleasure deep in my throat and Eli's hands slid up my shirt, prompting me to take it off. I lifted my arms and he slid my shirt off and tossed it across the room. My hands ran over Eli's stomach and chest muscles through his shirt. I wanted to see more of him.

He pulled his own shirt off and I stared at his exposed chest. He had a washboard stomach and was beautifully toned but not in the gross bodybuilder way. He was so extremely hot, for lack of a better word, and I let my hands travel over his body. His nipples turned hard under my touch and I played with them before taking one into my mouth. I didn't exactly know what I was doing but my mind was clouded with hormones and I didn't care.

I kissed one nipple than began to suck on it and Eli took a sharp breath in. I moved on to his other nipple and he let out a little moan. His moaning turned my on so much that I didn't try to stop my impulse and let my hand drift down his stomach to rest on his package which was under my own. I started rubbing him through his jeans and he moaned again, closing his eyes for a second before he grabbed my wrist. “Don't start something you can't finish,” he whispered with a smile.

He pulled me down and kissed me again, his tongue sliding in with mine and exploring my mouth. I don't think I'd ever felt that good before.

I heard someone gasp and jumped off Eli. My mom was standing there in the doorway with a horrified look on her face. “Mom, what are you doing home?” I asked weakly. Of all the days she could pick to come come early, she had to pick today. I was sure my face was completely red; I was mortified.

I watched silently as my mom turned around and heard her rush down the stairs, the sound of her heels connecting with the stone stairs echoing through the house with every step. I heard her pull out of the driveway and go off to where ever it was she was going. Oh God, my mom knew I was gay. Eli and I just sat there for a while, neither of us daring to say anything.

“Are you okay?” he whispered when the silence became too deafening to stand.

“Yeah,” I lied, but my voice came out strangled and I think he knew I was lying.

“I'm sorry your mom had to find out that way,” he said gently. I looked up at him, his blue eyes were sympathetic. He ran delicate fingers over my cheek.

“I think she hates me even more than she did before,” I said, my voice quiet.

“She doesn't hate you, Viz.”

“Don't be so sure,” I replied. If she didn't hate me before, she did now. I guess the whole trying to fix our relationship thing was over.