Damaged - 2. Chapter 2

If you know about gay men, or just seen gay porn, you know there are many types of gay men. Ben would be a Daddy Bear. Technically, so was I. My body hair was less than his. Ben wasn’t one of those barbell boys. He had mass. No washboard abs, but a flat stomach. And who doesn’t have love handles? But they weren’t big at all. He did have a hairy chest, but none on his back or shoulders. And that chest hair covered his pectoral muscles and spread down his stomach, and spilled from his navel to his pubes, which were uncut and not shaved. He wasn’t manscaped. Everything about him said, man.

It was that second night when it happened. He began to toss and turn. Then whimper, then he sat up, screaming. It was a bloodcurdling scream of sheer terror. I was jolted awake, so was Koot who sprung up ready to take on this unseen menace, growling. Ben shot out of bed and huddled in the corner, his hands covering his ears to shut the sounds he was hearing out.

Knowing what to do and what not to was important. Touching him now was not recommended. He could retaliate thinking you were the enemy. Grounding him with the loud music was too late. He had to come back on his own. I slowly got up and knelt in front of him.

“Ben,” I said loudly. It was impossible for him to hear me if I didn’t shout. What he was hearing now was too much in his head. “Where are you now?”

He shook his head not wanted to see any more. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do. Look!” I pushed harder mentally. I had to get him connected to where he was and who I was. “Who am I?”

His eyes were unfocused.

This wasn’t working. I decided another unfamiliar target was better. “Who is that?” I pointed to Koot.

Ben looked at the wolf.

“Hear my voice. Who am I?” I asked again. “See me. Say my name.”

Then he focused on me and I saw the recognition slowly come back in his eyes. “Eric?”

I nodded. “That’s right.”

But whatever he was hearing was too much. “Make it stop!” He pleaded in a pitiful voice that caused my heart to hurt.

“I can’t,” I answered hoping he would see how much I want to make it stop, but couldn’t. “But you can. Come back to me, Ben.” I held my hand out. “Take my hand. Hear me. I’m your friend. Come back. I would never hurt you. Come back. Trust me, please.”

Ben looked at my hand uncertainly, but he was connecting and slowly coming back.

“Trust me, Ben.” I urged again. “Take my hand.”

His right hand lowered a little.

“I’m the man you want to fall in love with you, Ben. I am. I am trusting you not to hurt me. Please trust me not to hurt you. Take my hand. Please. I want to help you.” I encouraged. His hand came closer but was shaking. “That’s it.” Then he grasped it tightly and pulled me to him. Hugging me hard. “We’ll get through this. I swear.” That’s when I heard him sigh heavily and began sobbing. Whatever pain I was feeling having seen him suffer was nothing to what he was going through.

“It just wouldn’t stop.” He wailed.

“Yes. I know.” I nodded. “But you’re not alone now. I’ve got you.” At my age, hugging while I knelt was giving my back pain. I pulled him up to stand. “Let’s go back to bed. Besides, I’m freezing my ass off.” I led him back to the bed and got him in. “I’ll put more wood on the fire and be right back,” I promised, and did just that. I scratched Koot on the head between his ears. “Good boy, Koot. Ben will be okay.” Koot gave his signature whine as if to say he hoped so. Then I crawled in beside Ben and spooned up behind him. Ben brought my arm around him and clung to my hand at his heart. “You’re a good man, Ben. I’m here.”

In the morning, I saw that we had shifted positions. Now I was on my back. Ben’s head on my chest, but he was sound asleep. So, I closed my eyes again. It was an hour more and Ben stirred. My fingers ran through his hair. It was a turn on, remember? Only now I didn’t have to stop!

“Good morning.”

He frowned turning away. “Sorry about last night.”

I grinned. “Oh, so you did it on purpose.”

His eyebrows knitted. “Of course not.”

“Then don’t apologize,” I said simply. “What you saw. What I saw over there, no human being should ever see. But we did see it and can’t forget. It’s a fact.” I ran a finger down his rugged unshaved face. “I’d be more concerned if you weren’t affected.”

“No worries there.” He grumbled, then looked around. “Ya know? I just noticed. It will be Christmas in a week and a half. Don’t you decorate for Christmas?”

I looked around the cabin. “It’s always been just Koot and me. I never bothered.” I smiled at him. “You want to.”

Ben grinned back. “Yeah. I do.”

“Then we will,” I said. Sitting up I went to the window. It was still coming down. “We may have to wait a day or two more. The tree will be easy, we’ve got a million of ‘em out there. Decorations….I’ll have to ask Sally.”

“The den mother,” Ben said nodding with a smile.

“She is.” I nodded. “But she loves me. So, I put up with it. She’ll love you, too.” Then I kissed Ben. “And we have to find your truck. If for no other reason than to get you some clothes. You did pack to come out here right?”

Ben seemed to enjoy my kisses. He didn’t move away or turn his face. He liked it. Now he chuckled. “I don’t know. I’ve liked being naked. With you.”

I ran my hand over his chest. God! It has been so long since I touched a man. And he was very much a man. I loved the feel of him. He didn’t mind my touching him. In fact, he was touching me. It felt amazing and I realized how I missed the touching and being touched. “And I’ve enjoyed your being naked with me. You’re a beautiful man. But you need clothes to keep warm.” My hand went down to caress his cock, which stiffened instantly. “It’s easier to do this when you’re naked.”

“Feel free.” He said softly as he pushed me forward with his kiss. “That feels wonderful.” Then he jumped up. “Back in a sec!” I heard the flush, but knew what he needed to do. Then Koot wanted out. And I had to go. I stopped Ben on the way to the bathroom. “We’ll continue what we were doing later. But for now, laundry.”

Ben looked surprised, then nodded. “I guess you have to do all that shit. Can I help?”

“Sure.” I motioned for him to follow. In the kitchen was my washing machine. But it wasn’t one many people have seen. My own construct, but I’m sure others thought of it, too. It was a really old one, with the old fashioned wringer on it to get excess water out of the clothes. “Like on days like this, you can get cabin fever. So, I have this.” It had the exercise bike attached with a chain. “I power it myself. It works pretty well.” I pointed to a brass hot water heater. “That water heater can work on power and fire. The clothes are dried by the fire. That way if I lose power, I can still wash clothes and stuff. I have one of those indoor racks to put them on to dry the clothes in front of the fireplace.”

“How long have you ever been without power?”

“Last winter was two weeks. But I’m good. I have a generator if necessary. My power line is buried, but if Trego goes out, I go out.”

He examined the washing system closer. “Wow, did you do all this yourself?”

I nodded. “Sure. It wasn’t hard. Most of us out here have our ways of getting things done.”

“But you didn’t build this cabin.”

I shook my head. “Hell, no. I bought after the Survivalist that did, died. It takes a while to build a log cabin. The logs settle after building, so the walls shrink. But the logs are great insulation. The best feature about the cabin is the underground freezer. All the meats my friends bring here go in there. I have three months’ supply.”

Ben nodded. “Still, it’s impressive.”

Laundry started. The washer’s agitation was easy. Rinse, wash, wring and rinse again. I hate dried detergent on my skin. Too itchy. And let’s be honest. Sex stinks. Just admit it. Straight or gay. It stinks. My firsthand knowledge of gay sex has proved that none with straight sex personally but was told it did. The sheets had to be washed. Ben provided the power in vigorous peddles.

Ben grinned at me. “You’re great shape. I guess this life will do that for you. You’re beautiful.”

“Thank you.” I chuckled. “I just can’t believe you're saying that to me. You could have anyone you want. I love looking at your chest. That’s impressive. You’re a very handsome man.”

“Thanks.” Ben grinned and pulled his shirt up. “Feel free to look away.”

“Later.” I was tempted to do more. “And who needs a gym out here? Chopping wood, hiking and all the other jobs to do here like laundry. You’ll be in shape in no time.”

“Chief Greywolf to Lonewolf.” Came over my radio.

I shook my head. I knew the voice. “Brat.” Clicking I responded. “I’ll grant you, you are a Greywolf, but you are not Chief.”

“A guy can dream.” The chuckle came back in justification. “Everything okay out there?”

“Sally?"

“Yeah, Sally.” He confirmed. “She wanted me to be sure you were okay. Are you okay?”

“Of course I am.” I sighed. “I’m not alone with a psychopath. The man has Post Traumatic Stress. He’s a very nice man.”

“Aw, you know Sally. The woman would have nothing to do if she didn’t worry.”

“Tell her I’m fine. Ben and I will be down in a couple of days. She can see for herself.”

“The storm will be letting up a couple of days.” Paul Greywolf reported.

“I can, but do me a favor, will you? Ask Sally if she has any Christmas decorations left. I’ll pick some up when we come down.”

“I’ll tell her. See you then. Greywolf out.”

I looked at Ben’s amused look. “She does act like a den mother.” He observed. “You have many friends with these Native Americans.”

“Sure.” I nodded. “That was Paul Graywolf. His father is Chief. His uncle is married to a friend of mine. Paul’s working as a dispatcher for his uncle. Really, that’s what got me to stay here. The Niitsitapi are a very open, kind people. They never judge.”

“I thought they were Blackfoot.” Ben said.

I nodded. “They are to white men. They call themselves Pigean. This tribe is called the Niitsitapi.” I chuckled. “It can get complicated.”

Ben chuckled. “I wish everyone was like that.” He sounded a little bitter.

“Did someone judge you?”

“Of course,” Ben muttered. “When my father found out I was gay, he flipped out. I know that was the real reason I married Linda was to get him off my back.” He sighed. “And the reason I did three tours was to stay away from him.”

I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

Ben shrugged.

I nodded. “My parents died too early for me to know how they’d have reacted. Dad was killed in an accident when I was ten. Mom died four years before Mike while we were on tour.”

Ben frowned. “No wonder you have abandonment issues. I’m sorry.” Ben pulled me close to him. “I will do my best not to die or leave. I promise.”

“Don’t.” His lips pressed against mine tenderly, softly.

“The only way I’d leave is if you send me away.”

“Not gonna happen,” I promised. Damn it! I was falling in love.

 

It was two more days until the snow did stop. We had to dig our way to the shed to get the snowcat. Koot in the seat behind us. We began our trip back to Trego. The snowcat did fine, but it was slow again.

“Wow.” Ben looked out the windshield. “You can’t even see a road.”

I nodded. “It’s a good thing I remember where it was. The snowcat can traverse most any terrain, but I hit a ditch, turn over, I’m in deep shit. And with all this snow, I wouldn’t have too much time to react. There had to be several feet of snow during that storm.” That was true. There were feet upon feet of snow. At last, we came upon a mound. No color showing, but I thought this was the place. And the mound shouldn’t be here if it wasn’t. Putting snowshoes on I scrapped a little snow away until I saw the blue color, otherwise, it was completely covered. “Yep, here it is. We’ll have to dig to get to the doors.” Both of us went to work digging until we cleared enough to get to the door. “It will take a few more days before the street plow can clear this. For now….where were your suitcases?”

Ben grunted. “Suitcase!? Please.” He opened the door and pulled the driver’s seat back and pulled the Army duffle bag out. “This is the only way I pack.”

“Got it.” I nodded and we both gave the military “Hoorah!” We weren’t just men, but military men! Don’t forget that.

The trip to Sally’s Trading Post was not long from where we dug out the duffle bag, but it was too far if Ben had tried to reach Trego on foot that night. She sighed when I came in. Seeing me reassured her. “Thank god.” She hugged me. Then she watched as Koot came in, followed by Ben.

“I told you, I’d be fine. Sally Crenshaw. This is Ben Johnson. Major Benjamin Johnson.” I introduced.

Whatever she imagined was not true. I saw a look of relief on her face. “It’s crazy, I know.” She said. “I heard you left a Military Mental Ward and I saw this wild-eyed maniac out there with Eric. Doing god knew what.” She stuck her hand out. “It’s nice to see it isn’t true. It’s nice to meet you, Major. Sorry for the worry.”

“Don’t apologize for caring.” Ben grinned shaking her hand. “And I prefer Ben, to any other name.”

“Ben.” Sally nodded.

“All is as I foresaw.” Walter’s voice came from nowhere.

Startled, I jumped and turned to see the handsome Native American. “Jesus, Walter! Don’t do that!” Punching him lightly in the arm. “I hate when you do that. Can’t you enter a room like a normal person?”

Walter wasn’t bothered a bit. He grinned and chuckled. “Where’s the fun in that? And I’m not normal, and I was right, wasn’t I?”

One of my eyes narrowed. “When Old Man whispers to you next time, you could tell him to buzz off,” I grumbled. “Unless you tell me.”

“Well, was I right?” Walter asked, his grin getting bigger. “I was, wasn’t I?”

I wasn’t answering that. “Ben this is Walter Old Person. Deputy Sherif and a generally spooky local man. Walter, Ben Johnson.” I looked at Walter, narrowing my eyes again. “When you do that Injun shit and it freaks me out.”

Walter chuckled enjoying this. “I know. That Injun shit was on the money and you know it.”

I put my arm around Walter’s shoulder. “Ben, this man was the only man I’ve ever fell in love with after just a few days. Then I find out, he’s married.”

Walter shook his head. “Yea, too bad I already had a husband. I knew there’d be someone for you. Otherwise, I’d be on you like a tick on a dog.”

Ben’s eyes grew at Walter’s casual admission to having a husband. “You’re…” he paused at the word.

Walter nodded. “Two-spirited. Just like you.” It was neither an accusation or a question. It was a statement of fact. He knew.

I looked at Ben and Walter. “Now you know why I had a problem with you. Stereotypes are a problem for everyone to deal with. Even with our own!”

Walter was in his forties. Maybe. His body said forties, his eyes said he was much older. As I said, very handsome, hair cut short, well groomed and male to the core. A lot like Ben.

Ben nodded. “I see the problem. But aren’t you glad I am?”

“It works out better,” I admitted giving him a grin. “Otherwise, you might have objected on a few things we did.”

Sally smiled, not bothered a bit. “That’s what I’ve been looking for you all these years!” She ran a hand over my face like a mother would. “You seem at peace now. I may not have Walter’s insight, but I know I know an unhappy spirit when I see it.”

“Now they can heal,” Walter said with a sigh of satisfaction.

I wasn’t going to ask.

“Oh, Paul told me you needed some decorations.” Sally went back to her counter and pulled a large crate out. “I think this is what you’re looking for.”

In the crate were strings of light, those colored glass balls, tinsel and assorted other decorations for a tree. There was garland and ribbons in red.

“You’re the best.” I grinned at Sally kissing her on the cheek.

She nodded. “Yeah, I know.”

But Ben was thinking about what Walter had said. “You knew I was coming? How? I didn’t know.”

Walter nodded. “We refer to him as Old Man. Napi is a trickster. He is classified as a demigod, but he is very helpful to bring important knowledge. He and his wife, Old Woman, or Kipitaki, made man. So, he sometimes allows me to see things ahead of time.” He explained. “I didn’t see you, exactly. What I saw was a soul in trouble. That you would arrive and a lot of things would be coming to completion. Now, I will also say, you two have a ways to go yet.”

“See? I told you he was spooky.” I muttered to Ben.

“You ain’t kidding,” Ben said back. “What healing does Eric need?”

Walter shrugged. “He has issues that you will see. What those are, I can only guess.”

“But you believe it,” Ben said.

Walter shrugged again. “It doesn’t matter that I believe or don’t. It is. My belief is irrelevant.”

Ben just nodded. “Okay.”

“Can you come back Christmas Eve? Al and I would love to have you two for dinner.” Walter said changing the mood of the present situation. “Unless you two have plans.”

I looked at Ben who was still wrapping his mind around what Walter had told him. Then caught himself and shrugged. “Sure.”

I nodded. “We’ll be there. I’ll bring my eggnog.”

“Great! Put plenty of firewater in it.” Walter grinned.

“Rum, Walter. No firewater.” I said back.

“Spoilsport.” Walter quipped. “I’ll make sure we have some.”

 

On the way back, I noticed that Ben was quiet.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

Ben was looking out the window at the white world around us. “I don’t know.” He looked at me. “I just…what Walter said. About us, it sort of freaked me out, I guess.”

“Which part?” I didn’t understand. “You said yourself it was fate we met.”

Ben nodded. “It just seemed that way. But to find out it was known…he saw I was coming.” Ben said. “I didn’t know I was coming.”

I nodded. “But you did. He knew it. So?”

Ben struggled to find a way to express what he was feeling. “The idea that my life is known before I do something, is unnerving. Like I have no control.”

“Foreknowledge doesn’t mean you’re not in control,” I said softly. “The way Walter explained it to me once was, you come to a fork in the road. You can choose to go right, or left. You choose to go right. Napi knew you would go right. He didn’t make you, he just knew. It was still your choice. He just told Walter what you would do.”

Ben nodded. “It’s still hitting me oddly.”

“Odd is the life out here,” I said simply.

Ben just grunted his agreement.

 

We spent the next few days looking for that tree we were going to decorate. Finding it, I refused to cut it. Instead, we dug it up, roots and all. Not an easy task as the ground was frozen, but we did it. The idea of a tree losing its life for a week or two with us…no way. The Pigean people had passed that respect to me. I knew where I had a metal washtub and we put the tree in that. Now that my internet connection was up again, I pulled up Youtube and had some seasonal music. For the first time in years, I felt like it was Christmas.

As happy as Ben seemed, he still had the night terrors. There were no obvious triggers I could detect. The flashbacks were easy to deal with. Grounding was simple. The loud music, something like ice…anything that would cause a sensation. His brain might have drifted off, but his other senses would pull him back. Hearing, cold. But the night terrors had no preview. They just happened. Often enough that even Koot was no longer alarmed.

Sexually, Ben was wonderful. He loved to bottom. He did! He was more than willing to top, but if given the choice, he bottomed. It made him scream when I topped him. He loved to be stimulated. Whether I did it orally or used my hand and fingers, he didn’t care. I was stimulated when he was stimulated. It was a win/win! And I was beginning to see him more as a man than his looks. Not that his looks weren’t appealing at all. He was gorgeous to me. But I was seeing more of a very kind man. A decent man. He was sensitive and felt things very deeply, which I figured was why he was having such terrors at night. And I was falling very much in love with this man.

The day before Christmas Eve, I made the promised Eggnog for us to take to Walter and Al’s place. And enough for Ben and me afterward.

We took the way to Trego early, Koot was there, too. I never leave him behind. It still took an hour or so to get there. Ben looked at the home we arrived at, Ben’s eyes grew.

“Wow.”

It wasn’t just a cabin. It was a modern house. Logs, of course, but bright and roomy. A lot of windows. Very pretty.

“So, Al is what?”

“He’s a doctor,” I answered.

Ben nodded. “I see. Well, it sure isn’t a teepee.”

But even this knowledge and having met Walter. You still weren’t ready for Al Graywolf. The Chief’s brother. Walter and Al had been together for nearly twenty years. The man that answered the door was not as big as Walter or Ben. He was Native American, but again, nothing about him told you he was gay. Other than his skin color, he could be in any city in America. Dressed like a regular guy who had money. Almost preppy, if you know the look. Well groomed short hair, glasses on his dark eyes that smiled before his mouth did. To me, he was just as handsome as Walter or Ben, but my height.

“Eric!” He greeted hugging me tightly. “Good to see you.” Then he turned to Ben. “And you must be Ben.” He smiled taking Ben’s hand. “It’s nice to meet you. Walter told me you were coming. Welcome. Come in!”

I gave him the Eggnog.

“Walter loves this.” Al stepped back allowing us in. “So do I. Walter’s in the kitchen. Let’s go back.”

The evening was going well. Walter was among other things, an excellent cook. It was during the meal when Walter stopped and looked at Ben and smiled that way when he sees something others miss.

“You still seem to be having trouble with the fact that we’we’re just guys,” Walter said with a chuckle. “Even though you yourself are two-spirited and just a regular guy.”

Ben turned a little pink. “I suppose I am.” He sighed. “In the world I was brought up in. Don’t act queer. A man would be known for his actions and what he says, and by the way he says it. You two don’t have any….to use a poker term…tells. And others here know it and don’t care.”

Al nodded with a laugh. “We….the savages…were more open to the many different kinds of humans than white men.” He said savage to point out the hypocrisy. “A man is a man no matter who he chooses as a partner in his life. As humans, we aren’t a whole person until we have someone to share life with. There are feminine men here. There are masculine women here. There are masculine men that prefer another gorgeous masculine man as a partner, like Walter…”

“Thank you, Honey.” Walter smiled, he almost toasted his husband with his drink.

Al smiled. “You’re welcome, Baby…my point is...who they choose as a partner is not important. That they choose somebody is.”

The sad truth is, I present the best of the Niitsitapi, like many tribes around the country, who are a very proud people, but most were unemployed. Nearly 70 percent! There were a lot of poor. There were more than just one tribe. It is complicated, so bear with me. Other than the Niitsitapi , the Pigean were the largest tribe, or what people know as Blackfoot Indians. There was also Kainai, Siksika, Sarcee and others. They were scattered throughout Northern Montana, Saskatchewan, Alberta, and British Columbia. The Pigean was the overall name. But because of the unemployment, there were other facts here. Alcoholism, theft and drug use ran through the tribe like a wildfire. It was tragic.

“In the world of the White Man, there came about these rules. How to act, what to say, who and how to love. There should be no rules.” Walter added. Then shrugged. “That isn’t to say we don’t have problems. We have thieves, murders and just vile people like any other race.” He looked at Ben. “I take it you had an issue with that.”

Ben nodded. “When my father, found out I was gay, he disowned me.”

“So, instead of being proud, he was ashamed of you.” Al nodded.

“Angry, embarrassed…” Ben nodded. “That was a major reason I married my wife.”

I frowned at this confession. “Your Dad doesn’t know the man I see.”

“You’ve much to be proud of,” Walter said. “You served three tours in Iraq. Serving your country well.” He held his hand before Ben asked him how he knew. “Yes, I saw your record. A strange man was up with a friend of mine. I had to be sure. It’s a pity your father can’t see what sort of man you are, but he may yet.” Walter said in that way.

“Old Man showed you more than you’re willing to share again?” I grinned. Walter only wiggled his eyebrows.

“What do you think?” Walter asked.

“I told you, tell him to buzz off.”

“Oh, but what you’re gonna see.”

 

A long trip back to my cabin. A nice time we had just sitting by the fireplace. It was warm enough we didn’t have to wrap up. Christmas music on my computer. And I noticed Ben looking at me. It wasn’t just lust he was looking with, well there was that, too, but he had a happy, contented look in his eyes.

“You may say it’s too soon.” Ben began. “I love you, Eric.”

I was thrilled. But also terrified.

“I see you. I know the kind of person you are. And I am falling deeply in love with you.” Ben said as if he were helpless to stop it.

My heart was hammering against my chest. And in spite of my terror. I heard the words come out of me. My head was screaming at me, it was too soon. I’d only known him two weeks! Maybe it he was helpless to stop it, for I heard me say, “I love you, too.” He pressed his lips to mine. This kiss was unlike his others, and they were all good. This one was love. Spoken out loud. The kiss was soft, gentle and just beautiful. And then we couldn’t get enough of the other. He was strong, warm and smelled so good. I loved the feel of him. Firm, it was like padded, silk coated steel. He loved me. At this point, all was right with the world.

“I don’t want to leave,” Ben said.

“I don’t want you to leave.” I corrected. “I want you to stay here. With me.” Again, my brain told me there was no such thing as love this quickly. He couldn’t really love me.

Ben smiled at me.

Now, perception is everything. I had shut my heart off for five years, so when I felt we were no longer having just sex, but we were really making love. My heart opened and I was flooded with this fact! This man loved me! It was midway through when Ben stopped suddenly.

“I’m not hurting you, am I?” Ben asked worried, alarm in his voice.

Okay, this was kind of girly. I was shaking my head. “No, no. Don’t stop.” I said before. I loved the feel of this man. His weight on me, his strength.

“But tears are coming from your eyes!”

I rolled my eyes. I told you it was girly! “Can’t a guy be overwhelmed with emotion? I’m happy, you lovable Idiot! I love you. I really love you. Don’t you dare stop!” I kissed him hard. It just wasn’t enough. It was like being thirsty, dying of thirst and getting that first drink. I couldn’t get it fast enough. Ben smiled and continued. Even harder. It seemed I wasn’t the only one wanting more, faster, harder.

I don’t know how long we were at it. But we finally collapsed, spent and happily exhausted. Ben was about to roll off, but I stopped him. My hand stopping him.

“Freeze, Mister.” I managed while catching my breath.

Ben laughed. “I forgot. You like the weight.” His breath coming in pants. “Sorry.”

“Don’t forget again,” I growled, but smiling at him.

He gave me a salute. “I aim to please.” He gasped with that grin I knew. “I thought you had saved up before when we made love?” He looked at the little diamond hole in the shutters. “It’s daylight. We have been at it four and a half hours!”

“Four and a half amazing hours.” I corrected. I wrapped my arms around him, pulling him to add weight to him. “I’ve said it before. I’m saying it again. With all my heart. I love you, Ben.”

Then his eyes got a look of absolute sincerity. “Only death can separate us now. And I will do all I can to avoid that. I will never leave you. As long as you’ll have me, I will be by your side. Always. I love you.”

And, as if we weren’t already tired. We did it again! Only I made love to him!

 

Later that day, Ben said he wanted to make a phone call. I sort of knew who he would call and showed him how to use the computer and phone. They were tied together.

I didn’t want to overhear, but we had a small cabin.

“Dad? It’s me.” He was almost cold with the tone of his voice. There was a pause. “Well, I got caught in a bad blizzard. We were cut off a week or so. How’s Brad? Is he there?” Then his voice changed. There was now emotion in his voice. Love. “Hey, Buddy. No, I’m in Montana. I got caught in a blizzard. Yes, Montana. I just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas. Dad should have gotten the present I sent…you got it? Great.” There was a pause. “I’m going to come back. I can’t say when. Soon. I have some things to tell you.” He paused again. “Yes, I’m getting better. I love you, son.” His voice broke a little on the last sentence. “Talk to you soon, okay? Bye.” Then with a heavy sigh, he leaned back covering his eyes with his fists.

I walked toward him. “Will I be intruding?”

Ben shook his head, but his eyes were still covered. “You’re part of my life now. A part of me. You can never intrude.”

“I just don’t want to overstep…you had a pretty intense conversation with your son,” I explained sitting next to him.

Ben nodded. Then one arm came around me, pulling me down with him and buried his face against me, but he never opened his eyes. “It was.” He wasn’t crying, but the feelings were heavy. “I’ve been gone most of his life. He’s the only thing good that came from my marriage with Linda.” He inhaled deeply from the emotional intensity and sat up, looking at me. “When he was born…” he shook his head. “I was so…blown away. I never felt this for another human being. I helped make this incredible life! He was half of me. I was in him.” It seemed the amazement was still there.

I smiled at that. “That must be wonderful.”

He nodded. “Oh, it is. And he’s so smart. Good looking too.” He chuckled smiling. “He was such a beautiful baby. Then I had a duty,” He sighed. “I missed so much of his life.”

“You’re not dead,” I said not understanding where the problem was. “Is there a reason you don’t have him now?”

He nodded again. “I was gone. I didn’t want him growing up on a base. Dad agreed to raise him after Linda left me. And I’m gay!”

“I don’t understand that last part, but you sound like you want more.”

“Of course I do. But I am so messed up. I didn’t want to put him through that.”

“How old is he?”

“Seventeen. He’ll be eighteen in three months.” Ben said.

I looked in Ben’s eyes. “If this is how you want it, it will be. But you want more. Am I right? You have a right to expect more. He’s your son!”

“I don’t want to hurt him.” He was sounding like he did when he had those bad night terrors. It was pitiful!

I put my hand over his heart. “You won’t hurt him. If you talk to him, explain what happened and what you’re afraid of, that you don’t want to hurt him. He’ll understand. If anything, you’ll be hurting him more if you don’t get him back in your life.”

Ben smiled taking the hand I put on his heart. “Will you come with me?”

I rolled my eyes again. “No.” I shot back. “I’ve opened my heart to another human being for the first time in five years….do you really think I’d let you go alone?”

Ben chuckled. “Well, I wasn’t going to assume.”

“Assume already!”

Ben laughed. “Okay. I’m assuming.”

Then an evil thought entered my mind. Well, not evil exactly. “Do you have Linda’s new address?” I asked.

Now his eyebrows knitted together puzzled. “Somewhere. Why?”

I got up. “I’m sending her a dozen roses. No. Two dozen.”

“What?” Ben looked very confused now. “Why?”

“Thanking her for letting you go. So now I’ve got you. This has been the greatest Christmas I can remember.”

Ben burst out laughing, pulling me down again to him. “Merry Christmas, Happy Easter, Thanksgiving, July 4^th., Flag Day. And I’m sure there are other holidays I’ve forgotten. I’m yours, Baby.” I don’t care where you are on the same gender marriage or pairing up. I think favorably since you’re reading this. But if you’re reading this and not sure, that tells me you’re at least curious and open to the idea. I don’t think I will ever tire of kissing this man. He liked doing it as much as I did.

 

We had a New Year’s Party with Sally, her husband Calvin, Walter, Al, Paul Greywolf and his current date, Becky, Ben and of course, Koot who scared Becky to death at first. I said it would take a while for the plow to get out my way and it was another couple of weeks before they dug Ben’s truck out.

Ben was right. We did argue. And he could be an asshole. But he knew I loved him. Like the first argument.

“How much!?” Ben asked incredulously. “The only thing wrong was a dead battery.” He listened again on the phone to the mechanic in Whitefish, which was the biggest town beyond Trego. “Towing, storage…I know you had to dig it out. Fine.” He hung up but still fumed.

“Can’t they fix your truck?” I asked getting dinner ready. Koot paying close attention to the bear meat I had warming for him.

“I just can’t believe the cost.”

I didn’t understand. “We’re in a resort area. People are coming in their BMWs, Mercedes and all that to hit the slopes. Car repair can cost. I’ll pay it.”

“Oh, no,” Ben said quickly. Too quickly for me. “I went in after high school. I went to college on the Army’s money. I have a twenty-five year pension. So, my pension, I pay.”

Was he serious? I frowned. “And your bank is where?”

“Texas, but I have my card.”

“Is it the fact that I am willing to pay the money the problem?”

“No.” He said softly. Then turned around and said firmly. “Yes! It is! You don’t have to keep paying for my screw ups. I put the truck in the ditch. It’s my truck. I’ll take care of it.”

“Your screw-ups. Your truck. Your money.” I said back getting angry. “Is that how we’re gonna do this? My money versus your money?” I challenged then sighed. “Ben, hear me. When I say this, never forget I love you…but to me, you’re being an asshole.” I saw his eyebrows rise. “My feelings for you have not changed. But be honest…we launched into a relationship very, very quickly. Something I have never done before. I know what kind of man you are, but I don’t know you, yet. And you don’t know me.”

“You think it was a mistake to get in a relationship?”

I held my hand up. “Not at all. I am just stating the fact. Your life and my life. The border of the two lives should be….at least I hope will be….blurred. There should be no longer your life, versus my life. It should be our life. Your problems are not just yours anymore. These problems are ours. I have no idea what your hopes for this relationship are, but I’ll tell you mine. My idea of the perfect partner, husband, and friend is a comfortable familiarity. The fact that we know each other so well, we know what the other is going to say or do.”

Ben shook his head. “That sort of knowledge takes years.”

I nodded. “So, let’s get started. We have time. For example, I’ll tell you something about me no one knows.” I pushed the pot I was cooking in back from the heat. “This needs to simmer, so we have time.” I walked over to my desk. I picked up a domed, glass covered gold pocket watch. It was a pocket watch that hung from a little hook, displayed under the glass. “Open it.”

He took it carefully. Opened it, and the fact I knew it well, it still made me smile. The tune was delicate, but clear. He listened carefully and his face lit up as he recognized it. “I know this.”

I nodded. “It’s Rachmanioff’s Rhapsody on Paganini.” I took Ben’s hand. “Now, I’ll tell you why this is so important to me. It would be the only thing I would save, over anything else in the world.” We sat down. “This was given to me by Fred Delamuara. He was a man I love more than any man. Even you.” I sighed as I remembered. “He was my next door neighbor. A friend of my father. When Dad died, my friend next door was Sandy. We were in the same school and class. Fred was her father. I was only ten. He saw a boy of his friend that had just lost his father, being raised by a now single mother alone. No one asked him to do this, but he came to my mother one evening and told her. He was going to do his best to try and make a difference with me and be a father to me. He didn’t ask for anything in return, but I was not coming home from school alone. Let me say, Fred was the kindest, most compassionate, sweetest man I have ever known. He and his wife, Deena were fabulous. He had a son who’d gone to college that year and Sandy was the only child they had there most of the time. He never touched me except in love. And I mean love. He was a giant of man. Well over six, five. He had these massive arms, as big as tree trunks. He was my first example of a Daddy Bear. But be clear, he never once threatened me or got angry with me and never touched me inappropriately. Yet, when I needed a father figure at that period of time…he was there. The truth was, I never, ever saw him get angry. I don’t know that he ever shouted. When I would do badly on a test or did something wrong, there were times I wanted to be yelled at, even hit, but he never did. In that quiet way of his, he would talk and by the time our conversation was up, I was crying more than I would have if he had yelled or hit me! I did my best to never have him look at me with disappointment. I determined I would make him proud of me. But this giant of a man let me know, that the most important part of what he did for me was, he was there for me. I felt like I belonged there. I was a part of his family. Mom worked long hours and wouldn’t get home most nights before eight, sometimes nine. So, after school I went to Fred and Deena’s. I loved Deena, Sandy and even Martin, their son, but it was Fred I loved the most. He could look at me and know what was going on. After Dad died, he would come over and just hug me. Not one of those Hi and bye hugs, but an embrace that would go on for a few minutes. I tell you, when that large man put his massive arms around me, I never felt insecure. I wish I could tell you in words how I felt when he did that. No one and nothing could ever harm me. He made me feel safe. There were nights I’d be over there and we’d be watching TV. He’d come, sit by me on the sofa and without saying a word, he’d throw an arm around me a put me in a loose embrace and we’d just watch TV. He loved to laugh, joke and we had great conversations. He made me feel like I was a part of their household. He always made sure I was included. Sandy wasn’t forgotten. No, he adored her. And Deena, they were always in the kitchen or somewhere and I’d catch them kissing, or he would just be hugging her. It was nice to see a man love his family like he did. We’d be having a backyard barbeque. He’d be talking with his friends when I came over. His conversation never stopped, but he’d bring me to him, put those arms around me, kiss the top of my head and just hold me.” I was shaking now, the emotions right on the surface. “And one of the things about him was this watch. I was fascinated by it. He always wore it.” Even though it had been years in the past, it still hurt. “I was twenty-two when he died of a massive heart attack.” I brushed a tear. “I cried for weeks. I went to the funeral. Deena came and got me from the congregation and had me sit with the family at the funeral. I cried more for him than I did for my own father. I didn’t really understand when Dad died. But, Fred was my father in all the ways important. Then after the funeral, Deena brought the watch from her purse, telling me Fred wanted me to have this. I love that man.” I watched as Ben’s face was very serious. He had listened. “So, you see? After we’ve made love, or just because….I love it when you put your arms around me. I like it when I feel your weight on me, I feel secure, safe, protected. Loved. And Fred is model I follow when looking at a guy. Like him, I love your strength.” I smiled at Ben. “Now you know why I like it when your weight’s on me.”

Ben closed the watch and returned it carefully. “He will be a hard act to follow.”

I nodded. “He is indeed. But I have faith in you.” I grinned. “Now, I don’t know who you are.”

Ben shook his head. “Such as what? I don’t have something like you just shared.”

“Well, I know you’re divorced. I know you have a son you adore. I know you have a father who doesn’t approve.” I smiled at Ben. “But I know you went to college in the Army. Majoring in what? What’s your favorite food? What’s your favorite color? There is so much I don’t have to know, but would like to. Do you understand?”

“Sure.” Ben nodded deep in thought. “Blue. That’s my favorite color.” Then he grinned. “Favorite foods? I have so many. I love seafood. Shrimp the most. I love a good bowl of chili, Texas chili, not any other sort of crap. I’ve never had one too hot to eat. I love Tex-Mex. I love Asian. I couldn’t make up my mind about the major. I wanted Engineering, but was fascinated by Criminal Justice. I got my BA in Criminal Justice.” He kissed me touching his forehead to mine. “I’m sorry, I’ve just been self-sufficient for so long, I just reacted. I don’t know how to be an Us. I’ll make mistakes.”

I shrugged my arms going around him. “So will I.”

He grinned as I pulled him on top of me. “So, you like my size?”

“Compared to Fred, you’re almost puny.”

“Puny!?” Ben balked, sitting up quickly. “I’ve been described many times by a lot of people. Not once has anyone ever called me puny.”

I grinned at his mock outrage. “And he had bigger arms.” That made him tackle me. Even Koot cocked his head at that one.

 

Things weren’t always like this. Al Graywolf was a doctor and a very good and successful one. His thoughts were to give back to his people. Every two weeks he ran a free clinic for the poor members of the tribe. And I assisted him. Taking vital signs was basic, but I was allowed more. My military certification was still valid, so I could assess and perform triage, deciding who needed care the most to get them seen faster. We saw everything from colds to diabetes. We saw children to the elderly. There were a lot of people with drug and alcohol issues from the teenager to senior adults. All got seen. Al and Walter gave a lot to these causes in time and money. Medicine was often donated to help these people. When the medicine wasn’t donated, there were others that paid the cost, Al and Walter, the Chief and others that had jobs.

Being from the South. The racial divide was literally black and white. There were black people and white people. Here, there were Native Americans and whites. There were a few African Americans here, but there wasn’t the divide like in the South. I stopped seeing the division of race. I saw a person that was Native American, I didn’t see the difference between us. They were people.

 

If it had been anyone else, two months of non-stop being together, twenty-four hours a day would wear on a man’s nerves. But we did settle into this…comfortable togetherness. It may be a day when we didn’t talk. We didn’t need to. And to my delight, his night terrors seemed to fade. I mean, he would wake up from a nightmare, but he didn’t seem to lose himself in what he saw. There were a few nights he woke with a shout, sit up and see he was alright, see me and lay back down. He’d wake sometimes, after tossing and turning. I’d wait for him to wake up and then comfort him back to sleep. There were times it was very upsetting for him, and since I didn’t know what he saw, I’d just bring him back down, not saying things like it’s okay or it’ll be alright because he needed to deal with the horrors. With time, it would be okay, but until he dealt with what he saw it was going to be hard. It didn’t happen every night, but enough that neither Koot or I was surprised when it happened. I’d just curl up with him, wrap my arms around him and just be there. If I said anything, it was to reassure him he wasn’t alone and I would be there.

And there were times we’d both do something odd. Just surprise, for fun. Spontaneous things. And just admit it, sex is great! Whether you believe it was created by God, Napi or just evolved, is there anything better that can happen to a person that joining with another human being? I say there isn’t. We are hardwired for it. It sends these sensations to the pleasure centers of the brain, builds until it explodes! Intense!! We want to do it over and over again as often as possible. And it’s more than just continuing the species. I think with billions of us here now that continuation has been accomplished. It binds two people, especially two people that love each other. And Ben proved he loved me every single day. Such as one day, I was gathering wood from the shed. Suddenly Ben grabbed from behind, tackles me, pulled my pants down a bit and open and I received the greatest blowjob in the snow! Sure it was cold outside, but it was just a few minutes. I said before, he was a talented kisser, and he could give great oral sex, too. The quilted parka pants were just down and he proceeded. Unexpected? Who cares!? He had me panting in minutes and when I came, he cleaned me off with his tongue, tucked me back in and then moved his face over mine. Then with a shit-eating grin, kissed me quickly and said, “love you.” Then he just got up, went inside, leaving me breathless in the snow. Koot came up and licked me in the face afterward, to check if I was okay. Or to say lucky dog.

I planned my revenge. A few days later I saw my opportunity. Wood was the focus for living to keep warm, cook and just to survive. Ben went out to chop wood we would need in the future. You never knew when we’d be stuck inside and couldn’t chop more when it was needed. He went to take care of that. And in spite of the cool, he was working up a sweat. Off came the jacket, his shirttail out. That back of his was making me think things…then I figured, what the hell? Sure there were things I had to do. Spontaneous sex is great, but when in the throes of passion you had to prepare. I prepared myself, walked out, pushed him down over the wood pile, pulled those loose insulated pants down. We’d done it every day since day two. He liked to bottom and was ready almost instantly. And really, he could have kicked my ass if he wanted to, but he didn’t stop me. In a few minutes, he was screaming which echoed all over the area! Hell! He could have wakened animals hibernating! Now it was his turn to lay breathless. But he was smiling. I patted his bare ass, pulled his pants back up, kissed his smiling, dazed face and walked back in with him looking at me, but he was pleased. “Love you.” And I went back in.

 

Then one evening he was cooking dinner. Surprised me, too. Then as he sat at the table. He brought what I was waiting for up.

“I guess we need to plan to go to Texas.” He said seriously.

I knew it was going to come, so it didn’t surprise me. “Sure.” I nodded eating a little of his chicken stew. “The only thing I insist on is Koot comes with us.”

Ben looked as if to do otherwise was not possible. “Of course.”

Then I thought about Koot a little more. “Wait…when are we talking?”

Ben shrugged. “I was thinking in the next few weeks.”

I nodded thinking it was going to be Spring soon. “If we wait another month, it’ll be the beginning of Spring. He’ll leave for a couple of months and won’t be back until July. Mating season, you know. We are coming back, right?”

“This won’t be a pleasure trip.” Ben shook his head. “We can leave then. And yes, we’re coming back.” He smiled. “Sally would never forgive us if we didn’t.”

“And Walter would probably put the Evil Eye on us or something.” I wasn’t laughing. He just might.