He Came to Stay - 11. Chapter 11

ELEVEN
Perhaps, the existence of evil and suffering plays its positive role in our lives by setting us meditate upon ourselves in our solitude. The times when we suffer are the only times when life appears denuded of the lofty ideas constructed around it by the mind obsessed with so many preconceived notions, which veil the bare truths about ourselves. On many such occasions we encounter a truth that proves to be a nightmare for us as it shatters many of our revered values and long-embraced notions about ourselves.

I don’t generally like to meet up with people when I am depressed. I don’t want them to see my dizzy face, which they are used to seeing me always smiling. But Avijit had always been with me through my hard times not because I wanted him to be with me but because if he should come to know that I was depressed, then, whatever may come, he would be there with me neglecting his other duties even his career. His parents didn’t like him to spend nights out of his house, yet he didn’t like to leave me alone even for a moment, if he would ever come to know that I was not feeling well. This time also he followed me everywhere like my shadow. At times I wanted to get rid of him, but I did also enjoy his presence. The times when my mind had been preoccupied with sweet memories of Ishan or when I reeled under the bitter thoughts about my strife with him, I wanted to be alone to relive the past rearranging the sequence of events and replacing them one by another the way I would like them to have taken place.

When I have some time in hand I often Log on to some internet social networks and chat with unknown likeminded friends mostly in the online gay communities. It gives me a window for catharsis, at least to some extent, as some of them lend their patient hearing to my story or at least they pose as if they are listening. I don’t generally meet up with people I have known at these sites, as I find most of them to be CONFUSED SEX-STARVED HOMOPHOBIC HOMOSEXUALS. They are homosexuals by birth or by choice that I don’t know, but that they have joined the gay community on the net and were asking for a sexual favor from me was a clear indication that they have homosexual inclinations. Living in a society where sex is a taboo outside of the conjugal relationships and brothels, all the more so when it comes to homosexuality, they more often than not are sex-starved, striding on every opportunity in the paths of sexual gratification, and knocking on every door for sex, like a beggar. As soon as you accept their friendship invitation, they will ask you for your vital statistics and photographs. Then they will go on asking if you have a place to have sex with and if you are free for it in the evening or the next afternoon. You have to suppress your reluctance to such conversation, if and as soon as you divulge your unwillingness about meeting up with strangers for sex, the conversation stops there immediately. They are raised a homophobic, heterosexuality being the norm and the standard set by the society. They are too confused to be comfortable with their sexuality.

Despite their homosexual inclinations they buy the hackneyed argument that sex is only for procreation and that if homosexuality is allowed to raise its nasty head, then the society will be going to the dogs immediately. Still they do what they do with a sense of guilt treacherously contaminating their gullible minds. They believe that they have BECOME homosexuals due to some reason or other and firmly believe that sooner or later they will be able to come out of it. If asked they will come up with the strange solution to their homosexual desires that someday they will be marrying a girl complying to the unwritten societal norms and they will be happy by fulfilling the desires of their parents. Some will come up with the argument, which is also found in the ancient literature, that they have vested upon them the sacred duty of continuing their line of descent. Human life, in all is aspects including family, love and sex, has merely an instrumental value for the Hindus, as far as the DHARMASHASTRA-s (Hindu Law Books) are concerned. Sex solely aims at a greater goal of serving your ancestors by producing offspring, who will offer water with faith to the manes.

I am often disgusted at the stagnation of their minds, which gives me the feeling as I talk to them that as if I was talking to the people of 1000 B.C. E. They endorse all sorts of modern gadgets, have education, at least degrees of higher education, but when it comes to the most important thing, i.e. their own life, they act as mere puppets in the hands of the society, silently and secretly maintain a duel life. Living single is no option for them, least to say about having a steady boyfriend for the entire life. They will ask you the question, ‘why aren’t you married?’ in such a way as if you have committed a heinous crime by remaining single after a certain age. ‘Who will look after you when you are old?’ As if getting wedded to a girl I can solve all unsettled problems of life and as if they have never come across a person who was left alone in spite having been married. My indignation at their being blindfolded gives rise to a sense of pity rather than disgust. You may be dismayed but they are the people around you with whom you can most closely associate with.

I need to talk to somebody when I am depressed and Avijit is not with me. So, I often have a chat with them on some online communities. It is not that all of them fall in the stereotype, yet finding a like-minded guy among them is like looking for a needle in a haystack. Avijit doesn’t want to leave me alone when I am not in good health; still he got to go to his college, besides he has his obligations to his parents as well. Avijit having been my only support after I bade adieu to Ishan, I embraced him more tightly than ever before, just as a drowning man will clutch at a straw. I was not unafraid about that, as I believe that love is like a handful of sand, the more you tighten your clutches the more you lose it, specially so when there is no societal or legal bond between the parties. Arguably, where people stay together only because the law or the societal norm has compelled them not to part, love has bade an adieu long before. They stay together only to blame on each other for the rest of their lives. I was afraid, still I couldn’t but seek his support badly and he was happy to extend his full cooperation in that regard. He understood very well that the root cause of my ill health was my alienation with Ishan, which I couldn’t, and still cannot, endure. Some aspects of the entire episode had no explanation for Avijit. So I was apprehensive that sooner or later he would ask for some explanation, but he never did. He definitely understood that I loved Ishan a lot. But he never asked me why I get so depressed when he (Ishan) leaves me. He has always wanted to see me happy and he knew that a major part of what could keep me happy was centered around Ishan. I was often rebuked by him for having strife with the latter, ‘you will never change yourself; you can’t live without him, yet you are not ready to leave him even an iota of land without a battle.’ And I would always laugh off such discussions.

This time when Ishan left me I developed nausea in addition to the insomnia which I was fighting with for so long. Avijit was with me since we went to watch the movie. Due to my nausea I was even unable to take any medicine. Avijit was eager to take me to a doctor, but being uncomfortable about lying the doctor about the actual cause of my poor health I had always turned down such proposals on the excuse that there was not much to worry about as I had often had nausea, which had always been cured by itself without any medicine. He never bought this argument, which was but a lame excuse for me not to see a doctor; still he was helpless before my stubborn character with regard to things of my personal life. Many a times I thought that I should at least allow Avijit to interfere into it, keeping in view the relation that we shared. Perhaps he had a reasonable right to interfere; though I never gave a serious thought to it, nor did he ever try to peep into my personal affairs. He always acted just as an onlooker in this game of my life, like the linesman of a game of soccer match, who standing at the sidelines watches the game closely and sends the ball back in court as and when it crosses the sidelines. Neither he participated in the game, nor did anybody asked for his solicitation to settle an issue if any dispute should arise in the field, yet sitting at the sidelines he played an important role in the entire game. He had been never in it, yet it couldn’t go on without him. At times his calm at my discourteous and indifferent attitude towards him gave me trouble. It compeled me to wonder if he had ever loved me! If asked he would politely say, ‘it’s your life; you are the best person to decide what is right and what is wrong for you. Compared to me you are far more resourceful in every aspect, be it education, or experience, or anything else. I don’t have any right to give you advices.’ Like a true devotee he would give his everything just as his duty, without expecting anything in return. Who would make this boy understand what right he had got in my life, how would I convey him the message that love demands not only self-sacrifice, but also possessiveness, and sharing? Perhaps, he had the urge to share but could never express it. His love and care for me became so natural for me that the only times I could feel for it were the times when he would be absent. If he would feel that he needed to stay by my side, he was even ready to bunk off his classes but for me.

The entry of the internet in the public life has entirely changed the perspectives of the social, cultural and personal life of the individual. It has kept people captivated at their desk the entire day, yet at the same time, it opened up a new window for them to share their feelings globally as it insures anonymity and impersonality.

One day when Avijit went off to his college and I signed in an online social network an old friend pang me. I felt always comfortable having a lighthearted chat with him on the net, since unlike those online gay hounds he never turned me off by insisting on sex, though I knew by heart that he liked me a lot. As I reciprocated by sending him a welcome message, he reminded me that I promised him to meet him up someday. I wrote him down, ‘I’m not feeling well friend. Now I’m not in the state of mind to meet up with people, as I am trying my level best not to commit suicide, a tendency that I have inherited from my parents.’ ‘Then I need to talk to you. Would u gimmi ur no. plz?’ he wrote. I messaged him my number and he called me in immediately. ‘What make you so desperate as to think about committing suicide?’ he empathized.
-- Recently I bade a guy farewell, though I love very much.
--Who is he?
--My cousin, who used to live with me.
--Where is he now?
--At his college hostel.
--Is he your boyfriend?
--Come on! He is just my brother.
--Then why are you so depressed?
--leave it! You won’t understand.
--See, I’m coming to your place right now. Please don’t say no. What a friend is meant for after all if he is not with his friend through his hard times? You shouldn’t stay alone when you feel so down in the dumps. Loneliness adds to your depression.
--I’m not alone, my boyfriend is with me.
--Is he with you right now?
--No, I’m alone at home. He has gone to his college. But would you mind if I ask you make it some other day?
--If you don’t want me to come to your place, then it is okay. But I wanna come right now. May I?

I was moved by his friendly gesture, as I had rarely experienced a guy of the online gay community being so sober, so friendly, so caring. Gay people of the age between 20-30 join these communities only for cruising with a focused mind. Nothing else interests them. Even if you start a different topic, it will fall on deaf ears, or worse they will stop chatting with you immediately. They believe in one night’s stands, and hence, they are little interested in the person they are chatting with other than his physical appearances.

I opened the door with shivering hands weakened by three days’ starvation, as due to my nausea, I was only on liquid diet. A huge guy was standing before me. I welcomed him with a smiling face and reached out my hand. He shook hand with me and he greeted me with a bear hug. He was guy of resolute structure, a bit flabby, with a pretty chubby face, aged between 24 to 28 years. He was a real bear with thick hair covering the open portions of his arms up to the sleeves of his t-shirt. Even turf of hair was visible near his neck. The fine lines on his forehead with the receding hairline indicated the stress that he was presumably going through in his personal life. I asked him to come in and he obliged. He brought for me a big packet of chocolates, a delicacy I had never enjoyed in my life. I don’t like sweetmeats much, all the more so because of my being almost a fanatic about my physique I generally avoid such high caloric diet. Still I accepted his gift with my gleeful face.

He must have been hungry as he came right from his office. The maid had prepared lunch for both of us, me and Avijit. I could share my food with him, since I was not feeling the urge to take the lunch. But he refused to take anything saying that he had taken food outside before coming. ‘Taking your lunch outside before visiting your friend may be considered to be an ill manner!’ I frowned. ‘I was too hunger to wait for another hour’ he replied.

I switched on the television and handed over the ‘remote-control’ to him. He seemed not to be much interested in it. Instead he said, ‘You appear to have a nice structure, would you mind putting off your t-shirt for me and flexing your muscles?’ looking lustfully at me he said. Though I was not in a mood to do so, still I couldn’t turn down his request and flexed my muscles after removing my t-shirt. Then again putting on my t-shirt I sat beside him and started discussing about some trivial issues, going from one topic to another, from films to current politics. The bond of friendship is often expressed in such discussions; friendship begins where silence is most eloquent, when you are ready to share all your secrets with your friend, you just want to share even those things by sharing which you don’t gain much, and without sharing which you do also lose nothing. You still feel the urge from within yourself to share, since you consider him as your friend. You open up for him the secret door of your heart. But he was hardly attentive to what I was saying. I thought that he must be a reserved type of guy, or else he must not like much talkativeness. It made me quiet and tried to concentrate on a soap going on the TV. Now he started talking like a parrot, the main theme of which being money, the expensive gifts that he had given away to his relatives, the amount of money that he spent on a haircut the last week, blah blah blah…, The only message that I could discern in his entire talk was that he and his family was not traditionally rich, but of late had made a considerably huge fortune. Any sensible person could discern that to be the underlying message of his entire speech. Of course, he didn’t clearly state that, still you shouldn’t have any difficulty in reading it out in between the lines of his talk.

Suddenly, when being tired I had already stopped responding to his enthusiastic stories, he put his hand in my t-shirt pressing my pectorals saying, ‘you have nice body yaar (friend)!’ ’Are you gone crazy! I don’t have sex on my mind now’ I said putting his sticky hand off my chest. The immense amount of disgust with which I thrust him back could not deter him from repeating his horrible act. I was grumbling in my mind as to his behavior towards me. Had he not been my guest that afternoon, I would have kicked him out of my house. I somehow controlled my anger and pushed him back again. In this tussle my eyes went to the door where they found Avijit standing apparently spellbound. As I looked at him, he left the place immediately. Gathering all the strength left in me, I tried to rise from the lain position on my bed, but couldn’t succeed due to another spell of vertigo. This guy beside me got alert in between and sat like a wolf in a sheep’s skin. In a trembling voice I called, ‘Avijittttt.’ He stopped, turned around and looked at me with two wide eyes filled-up in tears, ‘you seem to be busy Sumanda; I’ll come another time.’ He left without giving me a chance to explain.

(To be continued....)