He Came to Stay - 15. Chapter 15

FIFTEEN

Night imposed upon me unveiling its outwitting character, and then, treacherously intercepted subsuming me completely under its spell. Diya and I were having a chat after the dinner. I didn’t notice when Ishan retired. Diya made me alert that it got late in the night and that I should go to sleep. I never go to sleep that early; still I felt really sorry for keeping Diya engaged for so long. When I returned to my bedroom Ishan appeared to be fast asleep. I looked at his sleeping face, which was as innocent as ever before. No defilement, no sin seemed to have touched it. Was he really still pure at heart or was it my love towards him that created in this illusion, if it was an illusion! ‘PURE’? Did I really believe in purity, chastity, blah, blah…? Can human beings ever become impure? If so, then I would be the impurest of guys on earth. How could I forget what my feelings towards Ishan were, not to say about my relation with so many guys and girls before he came to my life? I was groping for, among the bits of scattered thoughts about Ishan, the actual cause of my unease. Perhaps, somewhere down the line I knew the real cause of my agitation; still whenever it came up in my mind the age-old prejudices that I inherited from my parents and the society I live in, came in the way of accepting it.

When I went to bed, he apparently was fast asleep. I was quite tired and dizzy due the entire day’s exertion. As I didn’t want to disturb his sleep, I didn’t touch him. But surprisingly, this time he hugged me. It was quite unusual for him to hug me without any reason. But he did what he did. I was perplexed at his behavior. Did he want to convey something, or was it just the expression of his brotherly love towards me? If the latter were the case, then I must confess it was not at all a usual behavior that could be expected from him ordinarily. I asked, ‘Ishan!’ there was no reply. In the twilight of the room I could hardly read his expressions; yet I tried to decipher his facial expressions, which were telling but a single story that he was innocent, despite all that happened in the last few weeks.

‘Ishan…’ I asked again. This time without removing his face from my bosom he responded, ‘Yes.’ This monosyllabic answer turned my guess into conviction that he was not sleeping and that he had some intent in mind behind cuddling me. Unable to understand his intention I hugged him in reciprocation. But it didn’t involve the warmth it used to have earlier. Somewhere the events that took place in the past deterred my emotions from being fully expressed. Probably, he could also notice that. This unusual behavior of him appeared to be an effort of appeasing me. But what I couldn’t make out was the reason behind it. ‘Didn’t sleep yet?’ I asked.

--‘Don’t know why, but I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about you. Look what you have done of yourself. You need somebody to look after you. I’ll ask Diyadi to stay back here if possible. But in case she can’t manage to stay with you, I will ask my mother to come.

--When you are there with me, I don’t need anybody else.

He looked into my eyes and observed keenly for some time. Perhaps, he was finding it difficult to decipher my expression in the dimly lighted room. ‘I don’t stay with you all day long. You need someone to stay with you and take care of you the entire day’ he murmured.

--Still, I don’t need anybody else.

--I’ll be there with you Dada! Please get well soon.

He hugged me tight, and since he hid his face in my chest, I could conceal my tears from him.

--I’m trying my level best to save my life. If anything prevented me from taking such a step is the thought that if I do anything wrong, people are most likely to raise their nasty fingers at you. I can’t let that happen, even for my life.

--Please don’t say so. The time will come when you will realize that I have done nothing wrong. I can’t do anything that would tarnish you public image. One day you will will be able to forgive me.

I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. Still the words slipped out of my tongue, ‘I don’t have any grudge against you.’

--I only want one thing that you get well soon.

--Would you like to accompany me if I go for an outing?

--I would like to. But I have my semester exams in the next month. When have you planned the tour?

--Not yet planned. May be in the next week.

--Please let me know in advance.

--Okay. I’ll let you know after talking to my travel agent. It will be just for a few days. I think your study will not be hampered much.

--I can’t care less. What is most important is your health. You get well soon. That’s all for me.

I knew that he had little concern for his studies. But never in my life before I was him to be so much concerned about me. Perhaps, it was his sense of guilt that made him come so close to me. Nevertheless, I enjoyed this growing proximity. At the same time I was worried about its possible outcome. I didn’t want his life to have my evil influence. Nor did I want my life, which was somewhat settled by then, to be upset once again by his entry. Still I couldn’t prevent his advancement; still I indulged him, knowing it very well that what compelled him to have a greater proximity with me was only his sense of guilt about what he did with that girl.

I wanted to have a follow up of the event, but couldn’t have an excuse to raise the issue. It was quite painful for me to dwell on it, yet the curiosity was insatiable. The thought was giving me trouble. I was dying in my heart to express it, had very little scope of expressing it though. Did he go to the doctor, and had the baby aborted, or did they decide to have the baby! It couldn’t be the case that he should decide to keep the baby, as he was too young to be a father. Who will take care of the baby? Was I to believe that a guy who could hardly take care of himself would be ready to bear the responsibility of being a father! How was the girl? Was he still in touch with her, or did he just dejected her after the abortion, as most guys of his age do? In either case it would get on my nerves. I couldn’t see him with her. Nor did I want her to be dejected by him, when she would need his support most. How shameless I had been to have thought about going for a tour with this guy! Another fit of suicidal thought slowly crept in my mind. ‘Dada, are you thinking about something?’ he broke the silence.

--I want to say you something!

--please do.

--In spite of my best efforts to save you from being accused for my fate if I ultimately fail, please forgive me!

--Please don’t misunderstand me. Someday you’ll realize that I didn’t do anything wrong.

--Perhaps, I won’t live to see that day.

--Please stop it. I can’t bear it anymore.

He started wailing, an act which was so unlike him and so abrupt that I couldn’t understand how to console him. For the first time in my life I realized that human beings are never fallen. Whatever they may do, how heinous crime they may commit, they still remain pure at their heart. The same innocence speaks out in its silence; the fragrance of their inner core can still enchant others’ heart. Was it my trance with him, or did his tears speak out his honesty I didn’t know! Nevertheless, I was mesmerized seeing those beads of pearl hanging from those half-bloomed roses. I could sense the fragrance of its innocence slowly pouring in the atmosphere filling my heart up to its brim. Nothing else could occupy my mind at that time. I let nothing else to engage me. Only the rhythm of the dropping of water, after a splash of rain, from the leaves of the mango tree in my orchard took me away to a world so strange to me.

Life is a mosaic of marvels, a symphony of different beautiful tunes in the hands of a master craftsman, though it is so ugly indeed when controlled by a novice. The entire beauty, the coherence of the symphony turns out to be an ugly cacophony with a single wrong stroke. I was attracted towards its beauty, and, at the same time, repelled by its ugliness. In this see-sawing I forgot the real task that I had imposed upon me. At times the discord grew so ugly, the darkness that surrounded me grew so deep, that I lost all faith in the imminent appearance of a new dawn. In my exasperation I want to leave the life in utter dismay to get rid of it. No ray of hope became visible in the cloudy sky, no drop of rain was sprinkled upon my deserted heart to quench its thirst.

A fresh breeze seemed to be heavy with tears thrust upon me in that drenched night drawing my attention towards it. Did the night want to convey some message! Did it want to express its empathy towards its companion, who while dwelling inside used to spend time with her! It said one thing whispering in my ears, ‘you are not alone friend! I’m also with you all along, together celebrating our loneliness. I didn’t have any words to express my gratitude to this sympathizer of mine. Why should I be grateful to her! We were just the co-travelers traveling in the same boat. When night was alone, deserted by all taking refuge in the supine indolence of the lap of the mother-slumber, I always attended her with eyes wide open, helplessly looking at her all-encompassing loneliness. She should be grateful to me instead. When she sent everybody to sleep singing lullaby, called me in to spend those treacherous times with her. ‘Oh night! You are the queen of million hearts! You are the mistress of the devil of my soul! You sing for me just to keep me captivated till the morning comes and blatantly reveals your all coquetry. You hide your disgraceful face lurking behind the yonder buildings. Hate you dear ‘Queen of concubines’! Love you for being my sole companion!’

I had no idea if Diya had fallen asleep by then. But one thing was constantly poking my mind since the evening: how on earth she could possibly know that the diary contained poems! As I came to know her, she was not the type of persons who would be so inquisitive as not to be able to prevent the temptation of looking through others’ personal diaries. I softly removed Ishan’s hand, which embraced me around my waist and I climbed down my bed. He raised his head, ‘Where are you going?’ A tone of rebuke was not difficult to discern in his voice. ‘I need to go to the toilet’ switching on the light I replied politely. ‘Wait, I’ll go with you’ he hurriedly came out of the bed. ‘You mean going to the toilet together!’ I chuckled and looked in his face to see him blushing. But he outsmarted me and grinned, ‘Why not, If we need to?’ He seemed to have got a fun in it and was about to say something more. I quickly stopped him to change the topic, ‘Shh! Remember Diya is sleeping in the next room!’ He held my hand and together we came in the passage out of my room. The light of the drawing room was still on. As I leaned back to see if Diya was still awake, I had an eye-contact with her. She was still reading a journal. ‘Didn’t sleep yet?’ I asked.

--Would be going to sleep in a moment. Got an excellent article!

When I came out of the toilet he again held my hand. Though I said, ‘I’m feeling better now,’ yet I didn’t prevent him holding my hand. I continued, ‘I wrote a poem, which I want to dedicate to you! Won’t you like to hear it?’

--Right now!

--Are there special times for reading poems?

--I didn’t mean to say that. You shouldn’t exert your brain at this stage. I’m concerned about your health.

--I’m okay.

‘I think we unnecessarily gave Diya trouble. You could take care of me’ while opening my diary I said.

I knew he was not much interested in poems, nor ever he was. But I wanted to present it to him so badly that in spite of knowing his reluctance I started reciting it before him. The piece was originally in Bengali, but for the convenience of my readers here is a translation of it::

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THE POEM

God: You would be sent to hell for what you are doing.

The man: I’m ready for that. I would prefer to go to hell a thousand times than not to love her. Huh! You are known for your atrocity towards people who treasure love in their bosom. Man doesn’t create love; it’s you who implants it in their heart, and then, when it grows up stretching its branches and twigs and blossoms in the break of spring to please its beloved, you suddenly appear from nowhere to show up your wrathful face only to pronounce the judgment of punishment for a sin that had been never committed.

God: it is against the social norms.

The man: Society and its norms are meant for sustaining life in all its richness and diversity, and not the other way round.

God: but it’s wrong, it’s unjust, it’s improper.

The man: Right and wrong are not the only parameters on earth; it comprises beauty, which when added up to the ugly face of your world, gives man a place no lower than that of yours.

God: Still you will be punished. Aren’t you afraid of punishment?

The man: You always compel people to accept your irrational demands by your brutal coercive force. But no more you can intimidate me; love made me get rid of my fear. Instead, I can see in your frightened eyes and dreadful words your fear of your position being seized by a mundane creature nesting love in his heart.

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I read out hardly two or three lines when he did a blunder. He screamed as if I had bitten him, ‘Diyadi, come soon!’ Utterly flabbergasted I stopped reciting immediately. She entered the room Hurry-scurried. ‘Dada is going to recite one of his poems. I thought that you would be a better audience of his presentation than me’ he smirked at Diya. She still gasping placed her hand on her chest as she said, ‘Thank God! I thought you had some trouble.’ I looked daggers at him, ‘Are you gone crazy? Sorry Diya, you know Ishan would never change! Please go to bed.’

--No I’m really interested in your poem.

--I think you have already read it?

--When?

I didn’t have the courage to ask her, if she read my diary in the evening. I stammered, ‘Hmm I don’t know how I got the impression that you read it!’

-- You read out a couple of poems before me. But that was long ego. Which poem you are talking about?

--The new one.

--Certainly, I haven’t read! But I’m very much interested in it. Please read it out.

Perhaps, I read out for her a few of my poems earlier. That might explain how she came to know about the contents of the diary. I had no excuse for not to let her hear it. So, I had to read it out.

I was more interested in having the reaction of Ishan rather than her. I looked at him. What I discovered to my utter despair after I finished the recitation was that he was snoring. I looked at Diya and found that she was observing me keenly, which disconcerted me. ‘You write so well!’ she exclaimed.

--Thanks! Now you go to bed. It’s quite late.

--Sumanda, I have never asked you about the cause of your suffering. But I think you need to open up. Why can’t you trust people?

I understood she had come very close to discovering the truth, if had not already discovered it.

--We can discuss it some other time, if I find it comfortable, but not now. I’m too sleepy.

--okay, good night!

--Good night!

She went off. I put off the light, laid Ishan, who was sleeping half lain, properly in the bed and then lay beside him. The thought of Diya’s coming to know about the poem was constantly pricking me. I rolled over and over, back and forth, until I rolled out of the bed and started loitering in the room impatiently. I wondered if she could understand the inner meaning of the poem and was also trying to foresee the possible outcome of her coming to know about it. The worst that I could think of was that she would stop talking to me! But as I knew her it was very unlikely that she would behave in that manner. She would definitely be shocked. Nevertheless, she would be still with me. Then what made me so much worried! Was it my conscience that was pricking me! In that utter confusion I looked out for sleeping pills. I needed to sleep. First I searched for it in the drawer of my writing desk. It was not there. I looked on the desk. Rummaged everything still could not find it out. Ishan, who was apparently sleeping, raised his head and asked, ‘Dada, are you looking for something?’

--My sleeping pills. I think I kept them here!

--Again you are going to take sleeping pills! The Doc has asked you not to take them! Didn’t he? They may be lethal to you!

‘Who wants to live?’ I yelled. As the sound echoed in my ears in the silence of the night, I controlled myself a bit, ‘I’m sorry. I’m looking for it for so long. Can’t remember where I had kept it.’ He climbed down the bed immediately, came to me and dragged me to the bed pulling by my hand. ‘Don’t kill yourself. You seem not to bother about the people around you. You have least concern about their feelings. Don’t you ever think how they would feel, if you constantly damage your health in this way?’ he reproached. The level of my annoyance was understandable. How dared he rebuke a brother who was elder than him by more than a decade! But at the same time I realized that I was happy having been scolded by him for the first time in my life. Like the most obedient child of its commanding parents, I crept into the bed. He hugged me and tried to make his voice as stern as he could, ‘Now try to sleep.’ I closed my eyes.

He held me tight, which let have a feeling that I never experienced before. I wanted to enjoy every bit of it. Tears filled my eyes up to the brims. I was fortunate that he couldn’t notice them in that darkness. I didn’t let him know my weakness anymore. He was not really interested in knowing me, not even he interested in knowing the cause of my suffering. I couldn’t forget that he had fallen asleep when I was reading out the poem. Perhaps, I had fallen asleep. When my eyes opened, I found him sitting on the bed. ‘Not sleeping?’ I subdued my voice.

--I want to say you something.

--Say!

Time passed by, but he uttered not a single word. ‘Say!’ I reiterated. ‘I know what you have in mind. Please, don’t do it’ he faltered in speaking.

--What do you know?

--You know what I’m talking about. Please Dada! People know me as a strong guy. But I won’t be able to bear it.

--Don’t be afraid. You will never be implicated in anything.

--Do you think I am saying this out of my fear of my being implicated!

I readily realized how incongruous it was in that context to say what I said. I don’t know why I said that! It was uncalled for and was really offensive. Yet he didn’t take offence of it and continued, ‘You know what you greatest weakness is?’ I remained silent as such questions always deserved to be answered by the person who asked them. ‘You never believe in the people around you. You don’t believe that they love you! You couldn’t care less for their feelings, how they would feel if something happens to you’ he complained.

--Don’t worry! I told you I am trying my level best to save my life.

--How could you be so rude? One day you will realize the truth.

He started weeping again. Seeing him wailing I forgot all my pain. But I didn’t understand what truth he was talking about constantly. If there was any why didn’t he come out with it!

The next morning he mostly remained quiet, which led Diya to inquire if something had happened between us in the previous night. It was futile to try to hide things off from Diya after what happened in the last night. So I pleaded ignorance about what happened to him. He also preferred to keep quiet till he left after the breakfast.

(To be continued....)