He Came to Stay - 16. Chapter 16

SIXTEEN

Distance more often than not intensifies the bond between persons. Avijit’s occasional disappearance from the scene gave me a space to contemplate in my leisure about the nature of our relationship, which was entangled with a lot of problems. He had every right over me and everything that I possessed. But he never claimed his right. Nor did he ever try to possess me the way any lover would like to possess his fiancé. This tormented me into pieces. I often wondered if he loved me at all. How could I forget what my relationship with Ishan was? Perhaps, my love for Avijit was more about dependence than affection. Did I USE him merely as an OBJECT to get rid of the nagging thought of Ishan? Was he merely a MEANS for getting Ishan out of my mind? How could I, if I did, treat a guy, who loved me so badly, in such a manner? When my mind was still baffled with such questions, one day when I was working at my office the peon delivered a slip. The name was clearly written, and the handwriting was not unfamiliar to me. I left my chair immediately and rushed to the waiting lounge. I found Avijit sat on a couch leaning forward with dropped head and flanked with two chubby middle-aged women. It gave me the impression of a lettuce leaf popping out of a sandwich. He was moderately built and compared to the women beside him he appeared to be far less. I couldn’t prevent grinning. He raised his eyes. I held his hand and the next moment we were at the cafeteria outside ordering for snacks and coffee.

We sat at a corner under an umbrella away from the inquisitive eyes of other customers.

‘It was your smile of victory. Wasn’t it?’ he asked.

--What are you talking about?

--I’m talking about your glee in the lounge.

--Oh! Did you notice whom you were flanked by on the couch?

--Nope. Who were there?

--Leave it. How are you?

--I’m alive.

--That I can see. I definitely didn’t expect such a crooked answer when I asked the question.

He preferred to keep quiet. If you don’t want to give an answer, then it’s okay for me. But what’s the need for such an insinuating reply? It is uncalled-for, especially from a person like you!’ I exasperated.

--You know very well how I am after all that has happened in my life! How do you expect me to be? I am alive. Isn’t it enough! Sumanda, don’t be so rude to me. Sometimes you act like the cat, which after catching its prey doesn’t kill it immediately. It plays with it, tosses it in the air and catches it again. Then when no life remains in the prey to enable it to flee, the cat in its leisure takes the pleasure of chewing its bones. Anyways, I am not here to tell you about myself. Had you been really interested in taking news about me, you would have called me in. I needed to return your notebook of music.

He stopped with a deep sigh and handed over to me the notebook held in his hand. Temperature steeped up and humidity level became unbearable. I was about to ask why he didn’t contact me. But somehow I prevented myself from asking. I had never found him before so aggressive, so expressive. The lava of perturbation was growling from ages beneath his affronted soul. On the earliest opportunity it erupted like a volcano. I knew it was beyond my power to douse it. Nor did I try it out. He took out a packet of cigarettes from his pocket and with shivering fingers he picked up one from it. He held the cigarette between his lips and started searching for the lighter in his pocket. During this entire act he never had an eye-contact with me. In India it is considered to be outrageous to smoke or drink (hard drinks) before one’s seniors, unless the latter gives permission to do so. I never saw him smoking before. Sometimes, while I would be smoking, I even offered him a cigarette, but he always declined my offer politely. This time I took out my lighter and light up his cigarette. He puffed at the cigarette and looked straight into my eyes. Perhaps, he was expecting me to speak out, or even shout an argument in my support. In that case he could have a chance to vent his spleen. The sight of my unperturbed face even at hearing all what he said, must have frustrated him further. He came prepared to outrage me. The smoking was just a small missile of his arsenal. Had I uttered a single word in my defense, it would give rise to a riot, which would be neither health for our relationship nor graceful for me having it just outside of my office. ‘We better go somewhere else and talk’ I proposed.

--Talk on what?

--I have many things to share with you. Would you mind going with me somewhere?

--Where?

Gathering all courage I asked, ‘If I ask you to come to my home, I mean ‘our home,’ would you come?’ He didn’t reply, just stared at me with glaring eyes as if he was going to eat me up. I was never afraid of anything of anybody in my life, but the sight of those dreadful eyes made me really scared. At the same time the thought of his loving and possessing me so much made me happy. He had never expressed his possessiveness about me before. He seldom let me believe that he was an integral part of my life and that he had an exclusive right over me. I returned to my office after I asked him to wait there about half an hour for me to return. I had already done with my day’s work before he arrived. On returning I wind up the rest of it and took the boss’s permission to leave. The next moment I was with him again. And after doing a little shopping on our way we returned home in a cab. He insisted on paying off the cab driver. But I resisted him and paid the fare instead.

We sat on chairs made of canes in my verandah. Dark clouds from all corners of the heaven accumulated and stood still to show up their grave face. These monsoon clouds appeared to be startled at what was going on between these two guys under it vigilant eyes. They halted for a while, after receding at a rapid pace for the last few days. They seemed to be ready to shade tears at the plight of men living under it. I expected Avijit to say something, or to ask for an explanation of that day’s incident. But contrary to my expectation, he didn’t utter a single word. Nor did he hold my hand, an act which he would invariably perform when we would be alone. I looked at the benumbed clouds, then at the stock-still canopy of trees at the far side of my garden. Time seemed to have halted eternally like a frozen drop of water. I didn’t look at him at all. Still I could sense the immense turmoil that was shattering him from within. I wanted to pacify him and wished something miraculous to happen to convince him of my innocence. I was afraid of telling him the real story, the truth behind what he had seen. It was not unlikely that he would take any explanation as a lame excuse to justify myself. The silence grew unbearable. I held his hand gently. He didn’t object. I looked at him, but he didn’t.

Sometimes, I envied the composure of his mind. I wondered how a guy of his age could remain so unperturbed under all circumstances! Had I been in his place, I would have cut off all relations with the guy who had apparently committed such an act, unless I would be convinced about his innocence. I couldn’t fight for my rights. That is not in my nature. I didn’t believe that one could restore a broken relationship simply by fighting back. Throughout my life I gave importance to relationships that were not out compulsion, relationships in which neither blood nor any legal command kept the participating parties together. People maintain most of their relationships due to habit or compulsion. In such a relationship, when it goes through a trying phase, one is never sure if it still survives. Where neither of these two factors binds people, yet they have a relationship between them, it proves that they really want each other. But if such a relationship fails to sustain itself through hard times, no amount of complaint can possibly restore it. Yet my sense of dignity would prompt me not to maintain the relation any further, should he cheat on me.

The gloomy night fell, taking slowly in its purview the treetops and the bushes lurking under them, and then crawled down the lawn to climb in my verandah. There was a power-cut. Even the stars were debarred by austerely vigilant clouds from sprinkling upon me the blessing the slenderest ray of hope. Nothing could be discerned in that all-engulfing darkness. The blemish of my character seemed to have smeared everything covering them up from my sight. Even Avijit was not spared. I knew it was eager to gulp him down, without even belching. No! I couldn’t afford to let it succeed. I couldn’t let him disappear from my life. His love for me compelled him to return, even after being humiliated in such a manner.

Could I tell Avijit by smell? I could definitely tell by smell when Ishan would enter my room. Being a player he always used body-spray to cover up his body odor. But I didn’t like him doing that. I liked his body-odor more than that fragrance. I tried to identify Avijit’s body-odor without much success. A mild scent from the myrtle-bower at the gate filled up the entire atmosphere. I stood up and touched Avijit’s shoulder, ‘I’m going to prepare tea for us.’

--Don’t go. Please sit with me for a while.

--It is too dark here. Let me lit up a candle.

--Light scares me off. I got accustomed in darkness.

How such small words could be so powerful as to tweak my heart to wrist tears from my eyes! Speechless, as I was, I wanted to take him in my bosom, though couldn’t gather the courage to do so. The volcano in him could erupt again at anytime.

I sat beside him again. ‘Would you like to ask me anything?’ I muttered. With a voice soaked in tears he replied, ‘Nothing is left to ask.’ The little optimism that gathered in my mind at his arrival was blown away by that single phrase. I started feeling the agony that he was going through. At this point I found myself solely responsible for his predicament. I could never feel his pain in my heart, could never empathize with him. Yet I always looked forward to him to give me support when I needed. He had every right over me, though he never exercised this right. Nor did he ever let me feel his presence in my life. It is rather his long absence that always made me aware of his importance in my life. I gradually started believing that I wouldn’t be able to live this life, burdened with the incestuous thoughts, without his support. A feeling of guilt infused my mind not because I had invited that guy that day, but because of my indifference to Avijit’s suffering. I never tried to contact him during these days, did never try to get news about him the way I tried to know about Ishan. I always expected him to demand his place in my life, but never asked myself if I was ready to give him the place he deserved.

He took my right hand in his hands and clasped it tightly in his palms. Wiping off his tears with the fingers of my left hand I said, ‘Avijit, perhaps you misunderstood me!’

--It doesn’t feel good for me to have excuses from you. I have always seen you as a role model. Perhaps, it is my destiny that I suffer.

--Don’t try to be as great as to make others around you appear a pygmy. Why do you always think that you are the only person on earth who has ever loved another person?

I expected as fiery a reply as provocative my question was. But instead he replied in a dispassionate voice, ‘At least, you recognized my love! I never wanted anything more than that.’

That was definitely a bad omen. Only a guy, who lost all faith in life and his love, could be so emotionless in that situation. I readily realized how much harm I did to him at that tender age. He not only lost his trust in me, but also lost with it all faith in life. I should have at least taken his news. The deep darkening ambiance beleaguered me, clenched my heart and throttled a sigh inside. The occasional hooting coming from an owlery at my garret appeared to treat me with contempt. I released his hands from mine and stood up.

The candle and the lighter were in the kitchen. I stumbled over the small tea-table kept in front of us, and then got around. On entering my drawing room I touched the wall to find out the switchboard to see if they were on. The indicator lamp was not glowing, which meant that the power had not yet come. I switched on the lights, went to the kitchen and spent some time there in preparing tea for us. In the meantime the power went on. I put off the candle and returned with two cups of tea. Avijit was still sitting there half lain in the chair resting his legs in the small table before him. ‘You didn’t take anything. So you must be hungry. Let me bring some snacks for you.’ I was about to leave in search of snacks while he prevented me.

--Don’t bother. You enjoy your tea. I’m going to see if there is anything in the fridge. Aren’t you going to have anything?

--No. I don’t need anything. There are some MALPOWA (fried sweets made of flour, milk, dried milk and raisin) Diya’s mother sent for us.

Diya’s mother was a very good cook. She always sent some food for us whenever Diya paid me a visit. This time she came with MALPOWA-s and TALER-BORA (fried palm-cake). Ishan finished off the later stuff. Only a few MALPOWA-s were left in the refrigerator. I was taking my tea, while waiting for Avijit to return. The tea was cooling down, yet I had no sign of his return. Assuming that he must be finding it difficult to locate the stuff in the refrigerator, as there was a lot of food stored in it, I headed towards the kitchen. Somewhere in my schoolbook I read many animals store their food just beneath their skin before going for hibernation. I also always stored a lot of food at home and didn’t go out, sometimes for days together, even for an entire week. With a bit curiosity as to what he was doing in the kitchen, and an intention of helping him out, I entered the kitchen. To my utter frustration I found him standing there unmoving with one hand holding the open door of the refrigerator. As I went closer I saw he was staring at a packet of chocolates held in his left hand. His eyes were fixed and full of tears. Anybody could understand what he had in his mind. The online friend, who visited me that day, gifted me with those chocolates. I kept them in the refrigerator, as I didn’t like sweets. Ishan liked chocolates, but I forgot to tell him about them. Perhaps, I wanted to wipe out that day’s incident completely from my mind. But one thing I could not understand how he could relate these chocolates with that day’s incident! The packet was lying there on the tea-table that day, when he returned from his college. Perhaps, he noticed it. He knew it well that I didn’t like chocolates. So, it was not unlikely that an intelligent boy like him could understand that it came from someone who didn’t know me well, at least my food-habit. He was so engrossed in it that he didn’t notice my presence.

The sudden ringing of the doorbell dazed him. The packet fell from his hand. To avoid the embarrassing situation I hurriedly went to the door through the passage by my drawing room. I opened the door and to my utter surprise I found Nilanjan, Ishan’s roommate in his hostel, standing there. I could clearly hear a sudden impetuous throb in my chest. Ishan stayed in the hostel as his guest. I didn’t know this guy well. He came to my place only once, that also with Ishan. Apparently there was no reason why he should visit me again. As I opened the door, he didn’t look into my eyes, but with dropped head he fixed his gaze at the small staircase leading to my doors. His pale face and the quiet that surrounded the atmosphere had my heart in my mouth. ‘Come in’ I muttered. He entered my drawing room. Pointing at the couch I asked him to sit down. He complied. From the jug kept on tea-table in front of him I poured water in a glass and gave it to him. He took the glass from my hand, emptied it and kept back on the table. I was too eager to wait for him to speak out. But he was as numb as a wax statue. Every passing moment appeared to be an era. I dragged the chair kept by the window closer to him and sat on it. I was as close to him as to be able to hear every word mumbled by him.

I looked behind at the passage as I heard someone saying, ‘I’m leaving’ Avijit didn’t wait for my permission as he almost rushed to the door. Due to Nilanjan’s unexpected arrival I had forgotten what was going on in his mind. He gave me no chance to explain the presence of those chocolates in the refrigerator. I was not sure if given a chance I could convince him about my innocence. Nonetheless, I could at least try a last chance. He had enough alibi to hold me guilty. Still I expect him to believe my words, as he loved me a lot. ‘Did you get anything to eat?’ I cried out.

--I’ll have something at home. I’m getting late.

--Listen! Avijit Listen! I have got something to share with you!

I rush to my doorsteps to find to my disappointment a dark frame disappeared in the shadows of the bushes beside the road.

(To be continued....)