Various One Shots - 6. Writing the Past a Goodbye Note

It’s not somebody who’s seen the light

It’s been so long since I’ve seen you, since I’ve seen your smiling face and heard your happy laugh. Now, all of our pictures sit in boxes in the back of the closet that we once shared. It hurts too much to look at them, even the ones with our baby boy in them.

He has grown up so well, our little Alexander. He’s growing out his hair again, to donate to the ‘wig people who make wigs for little boys and girls who have no hair.’ His words mind you, not mine. Ah, how I wish you were here to see how well he’s grown up.

He’s taken to cross dressing, finding a bit of happiness in this time of pain. He makes a good female, with his golden looks, and has no real need for makeup. I support him in every way I can, even as he seems to be growing up so fast and growing distant from me.

He had to move out of the house, the memories becoming too much for him to continue living there. He nearly had a mental breakdown and was in the hospital for a short time under a suicide watch. I had a home made for him and told him to decorate it as he wanted. Ms. Brishett helped him do that by donating a few thousand dollars. It’s nice there and he’s starting to heal again.

In fact, just yesterday, he smiled for the first time in the last 5 months, ever since he came back from the hospital. I made a comment about the counters in his kitchen as he stood at the stove, making us both breakfast one day. He put down the spatula before turning around and smiling at me. It wasn’t as big or as carefree as it once had been and it had been tinged with sadness that I still see in his soft marigold eyes, but it was a smile with happiness there.

It made me smile in return and hug him tightly. He blushed and muttered something about having seen the counters on the Home and Garden Network and how cheap and durable they were.

Yes, our boy is growing up so well, even without you here. I can’t help but wonder what you would say if you saw him now. This strong, beautiful boy…. No. He’s a man now, isn’t he? He stopped being a boy the day you left our lives forever, leaving us in pain, crying in our sorrow.

I hope that wherever you are, you are proud of him, skirts and heeled boots included, and can feel the love in your heart for him just as I feel in mine. He makes me so proud, I can’t say that enough. I truly can’t. He does such wonderful work, even though he’s still going to high school.

He had a bit of a bump with a boyfriend once. Apparently the boy was just using our child for a game. Sleep with someone and get points. At least that’s how it was described to me while he proceeded to devour a carton of ice cream. He ranted and raved about being used in such a way and that the sex hadn’t been all that good to boot. It was funny the way he compared the...length of the young man to the size of a pin. I ended up choking on my own ice cream before laughing.

That night was one of the best, even if he cried for most of it.

It still hurts to think that he was once in such pain, especially as he was getting over losing you. But I know he’s getting better now and that his heart’s finally healing and soothing. It makes me smile in happiness, watching him actually have fun now.

I suppose that he’s finally cried and healed his hurt. And I can’t be happier for him.

But now…it’s time to put the past behind me, much like Alexander has. It’s time to say goodbye to it and move on with life. It’s time to live life instead of simply existing. It’s time for me to say the hardest words that I will ever say.

Goodbye, my husband. May you have the peace in death, that you had been denied in life.

Your eternally loving wife,

Lavender Sactions

Sighing softly as she puts her pen down, Lavender folds up the paper in front of her, knowing that if she doesn’t put it away now, she never would. Slipping it into the hand-folded envelope, she seals it and puts it aside before looking up to see her baby boy standing there in front of her, dozens of braids falling from his high ponytail.