The Window of Longing - 7. Say it back

Over the past few years, I have come to love you with existential dread.

Not the kind that encumbers you to the extent you are debilitated but rather the kind that hollows you, leaving you a husk of what you used to be. Yet, It is not as arduous as it sounds and I assure you that it is not what you think. To you with which patient eyes, solemn ears and open heart attend, I hope my message is delivered to you with my original intent and not met with malice.

I'd never seen flowers dance more gracefully, heard the birds sing so beautifully or felt the warmth of the sun or the breeze in my hair the way it does before I met you. I'd never have known so much the frustration, joy, anger, happiness, anguish, admiration, heartbreak, fulfilment, hopelessness and pure eudaimonia if you had never been by my side. I'd never have savoured bitter defeat at the hands of someone I cherished so dearly and had the after-taste been so saccharine sweet. I'd never have started to doubt and question myself, found and lost parts of my being or begun to grow into the person I am with and without you. I'd never believed Plato's remarks on soulmates till I noticed how incomplete I feel when we are apart. With you, I feel we can take on the world, overcome any adversities and even raise a middle finger to the Gods.

Yet, I fear for the day when you and I are both old and grey. The time when we can't keep up with the chases, and wrinkles crease our faces. Deep crevices that tell of a life well lived and smiles and laughs shared with each other, our friends, family and kids. The time when you no longer have the energy to move like you used to but still manage to hold my hand and kiss me like you always do. The time when both of our hair runs thin and I joke we shouldn't have been so rough with them. The time when I watch the light in my life drain from your eyes and I whisper like I always do “I love you”, waiting to hear your chuckle and your response but this time you cannot say it back.