Ex gay husband - 3. Friend crush

However, sympathy was rather not the reason to rush into marriage. Nonetheless, the word "husband" had a meaning for me: Friendship and closeness. Eventually, we also started a conversation in a private chat and skyped. Once—that was at the very beginning of our acquaintanceship, and therefore our marriage—I told him about a gathering I had with two friends from another group chat the weekend before: Mark and Leander. At first, I thought about declining the invitation, since I was dead broke, but the finally convinced me, to come anyway. I shouldn't worry about that—we'd make it work, they said.

"I wasn't surprised, when Mark said, he liked the weekend," I told Colin ", but I didn't think, Leander would say the same. He's more calm more and in control Mark and I thought, it wouldn't be a big deal at all for him."

"Did you like it, too?"

"Yes."

"That's what's important. Be happy about it," was Colin's advice.

"Albeit, there were two things, that were a little off," I continued. "For one thing, I held myself back when it came to the meal decisions and what we had to buy for it, since I couldn't afford anything of it at that moment—it feels bad to be a drain on someone's pocket anyway."

"Unfortunately, I know that all too well," Colin commented.

His mother was a single-mother and working poor receiving top-up benefit. He —also had two siblings: A sister, only a year younger than him, with whom he shared a room, and a little brother. Since Colin was fourteen, he delivered newspapers to have pocket money. From time to time, his sister helped him with the deliveries.

"The other thing," I went on, "that floats around in my head way more, is this: There was a situation with Leander and me, in which we both leaned against the kitchen counter and watched Mark as he decorated Leander's birthday cake. That was one of these situations where it almost seemed like Mark was a child we looked after and knew every single one of its idiosyncrasies and wilinesses. Mark wasn't necessarily childish, but he sometimes appeared to be when he was so twirly.

While Mark was busy with the cake, Leander had that laid-back conversation with me. I don't know, how to describe this, but it almost felt like a bromance with Leander—manly but not macho, sexiest even less—just very fitting. Then, suddenly, Leander looked at me piercingly. For a long time. I couldn't stand his stare.

"Well, holding eye contact for long is difficult indeed," Colin agreed.

"I was wondering the whole time," I pointed out without giving Colin the chance for further comments, "what he was thinking about? What had he seen? What was he thinking about that in particular?"

Colin didn't comment on this and let me continue.

"I already told Mark and that's the reason why I didn't bring that up in the group with Leander as you may understand. Some time ago, I wasn't sure if I had a crush on Leander. It turned out, it was rather platonic, and I just liked him very much as a friend. At that moment, it felt like he could see through me and read that from my mind—or at least my behavior or facial expressions."