-
IMPORTANT NOTE!
If you are looking for Story Titles or Author names, use Quick Search in the Stories Archive by clicking Stories or Authors on the main menu and clicking in the box at the top left. Here is link to for additional help on how to use quick search:
https://gayauthors.org/faq/authors/stories/how-do-i-use-quick-search-for-authors-and-stories-r116/
The Search bar on this page is unlikely to find the stories. You MUST use the quick search linked above.
Search the Community
Showing results for tags 'self-discovery'.
-
Up until now I have been using the identifier 'non-binary' , mostly because I have no idea what my gender is, how I want to express it and so on. Also, it just fits. Over the last few months I have been paying around with my gender expression; clothing, hair style, accessories, binder. I also started using men's body wash and deodorant. I definitely feel best when I'm as 'man' as I can be. The idea of top surgery in theory is nice, and I would love to take T to give my body more masculine features, again in theory. But I'm not yet sure if t's what I really want, to be just 'man' always and forever. I don't know if it's my identity that's stopping me from next steps or fear. I have been so lucky with my husband; he has been super amazing and supportive and just.... I have to admit I was amazed. We have had some really great talks and he has just been so positive. But the other night we discussed potential trouble areas I may face if/when I decide to come out 100%. It made me really nervous and kind of shut down. Maybe I'll feel like I'm in a place to deal with it one day, but I'm not right now. My mom wouldn't understand at all, she would be nice but treat it the same way as she treated my pagan religion "yes, okay your 'pagan', sure." Thinly veiled skepticism. She wouldn't be hostile, but she doesn't understand the concept that gender is different than sex (she still is weird about Caitlyn Jenner). It's not as bad as it could be, but it a struggle I don't know I'm ready for. My mother in-law would be the type to just flat out ignore it; she has made some comments about what she calls "this gender movement thing" and "kids these days just need to make all these things up" . Sure I could sit them down and show them the science stuff behind it and explain it and talk about how it FEELS, but again, even he idea is exhausting and I don't know enough or how to explain to even try. I work in retail so dealing with being misgendered at work with customers is another thing that feels like it would be exhausting. It's hard enough every time I have to correct someone when they assume I'm a child (I usually get 16-19 vs my 27), I couldn't imagine having to do the "actually sir/madam, I'm not a female child, I'm a adult male" . Sigh, I need a nap just thinking about it. In the end it will probably feel worth it, but I'm not there yet. Also, what if I go through it all and then have a 'girl day' ? Like 'oh shit, I know I told you all I'm trans but hey... hahaha I'm not.' I mean... yes I know I can feel like a boy and dress like a girl Gender can be fluid My gender is defined by ME and ME alone I get to decide what kind of 'man' I am, maybe I'm a man who wants to wear dresses sometimes (i know I'll be a man that paints his nails). Fuck the haters But knowing it and feeling it are two different things. Arrrgg... this became lots of word vomit hahaha. It's a bumpy ride, huh?
- 1 comment
-
- 2
-
- self-discovery
- nonbinary
-
(and 3 more)
Tagged with:
-
I always hated shopping. I would see cute clothes, but not cute FOR ME. Nothing ever felt like it fit right, even when it fit the way it was 'supposed to'. I found myself constantly passing by masculine looking clothes even though they felt more ME. I never understood the 'in fashions' or shared my friends idea on perfect outfits. I felt awkward in the women's section, like I was an invader that didn't belong. I always felt like people were looking at me thinking ' you shouldn't be here!' especially in the change rooms. Just the idea of having to go out shopping for new clothes was exhausting and just felt so 'wrong'. The last 2 months or so I have started shopping in the men's/boy's section. I have been choosing clothes that FELT right and fit COMFORTABLY. Men's jeans and t-shirts, long board and cargo shorts, muscle tanks and men's accessories. Shopping doesn't feel wrong any more. Getting dressed doesn't feel like a lie. I don't feel quite so out of place (maybe only a little because I don't pass very well, but it's ignorable because I FEEL like I belong, fuck what others think) . I invested in a really nice and comfortable binder tank and I LOVE it. I feel more comfortable and confident while wearing it. I feel like I look more RIGHT, more like ME. I even wore it to work for the first tie today. At first I was super nervous and shaky, because I'm not exactly out to everyone there and I didn't want any awkward questions. I don't know why I thought someone would say "hey, here did your boobs go?" but it seemed like a legitimate fear on the way in. Of course no one said anything, and there was no weird looks. I felt so much better! I even told my one work friends who I am out to I was wearing it and how excited I was and she was cool about it and asked how it worked and commented on how well it worked. It was really nice. I'm going to request a new uniform shirt, men style because the women's in tapered and extenuates my hips awkwardly, and I think that will help even more! I just need well fit men's dress pants and my work uniform will be ballin' ! It's still super awkward to go to bathrooms and change rooms though. Since I'm not 100% out (and even if I was I don't pass very well I've been told), I still use the women's, but it feels wrong and like with shopping I feel like I'm in the wrong place and I'm invading. I just try to time it to make sure I'm not in there alone and it's the only time reminding myself 'the rest of the world thinks I'm a women' is a good thing. But that will come eventually.
-
From the time I was old enough to choose my own clothes I preferred my brothers. Baggy pants and t-shirts, long shorts, hoodies. My interests and hobbies were those that would be considered masculine; sports, action figures, super heroes, camping, hiking. I have a very distinct memory of playing Barbies and putting them in the jeep and pushing it down the stairs. My mother definitely thought it was odd. My preferred friends we're boys and my favorite cousins were boys. I was a tom boy and that was okay. When my friends and I played pretend I was always the boyfriend, bad guy or brother. When I was 11 I cut all my hair off, because honestly it was just a hassle. When I hit puberty, a little earlier then mos girls in my class, I began wearing baggy zip up sweaters to hid my boobs. I didn't understand the other girls fascination with clothes and I had no interest in dresses or trying my moms make up. I was rougher and tougher and more independent then most of my friends/ girls I knew. I hid my body and hated wearing bathing suites. I was from the big city and this was a small town. I had a single mother. I had an older brother who was a bit of a bully. I was from a low income family. There were a million reasons I came up with for why I was so different. And a million reasons why I didn't give a fuck about the bullying. And oh boy, was I bullied. For all those things and more. But I never let them know it bothered me. Then I discovered boys. And that boys liked GIRLS. I let my hair grow long. I learned to use basic make up and let my girl friends dress me up. I shook my butt and tuck out my boobs. Oh, don't get me wrong, I was still a tom boy. I still preferred sports and my closest friends we're still boys. I only dressed up on 'special occasions'. I was my male friend's 'little brother' (true nick-name). There was actually one time when me and one of my guy friends and his gf went on a long bus ride and she got bored and did my make-up. Afterwards she asks him what he thinks and he goes "sometimes i forget you're a girl". True story. When my friends complained about boys I usually understood where the guys were coming from and often thought the girls were being overly critical or holding unreal expectations (they can't read your mind!). I hated talking about my feelings and I found myself seeing thing in a totally different was then my female friends. I was still rougher and tougher and more independent. A little bit more reckless. I slept around (when I was single) and didn't give a crap about being a lady. In fact I was mostly proud that I could be 'one of the guys' and often described as 'not like most girls' . I still got bullied for being that way. My Mom and my Grandmother and the women in my family told me I would be so much prettier/ popular/ successful if I just 'put on a little bit of makeup', if I just wore more feminine clothes. All the adults in my life warned me 'boys might not like my tattoos' . And even though I was in great shape (from being so active), with a 'nice rack' and a tight butt. Even though I had beautiful hair and a sweet smile and wide color-changing eyes. Even though boys and girls alike told me I was pretty/ attractive. Even though I never hurt for dates. I still had body image issues. I still preferred to cover up and I still felt something was 'wrong' with my body. I still looked in the mirror and hated what I saw. Even though I fit into society's outline of how a young girl should look to be considered pretty, I was not happy or confident. I never understood why. I was lucky my insecurities about my body were off set by my pride in my brain and my emotional strength. Things could have gotten real bad otherwise. I never felt the need to starve or harm myself. I was able to accept that even though I didn't like myself physically I liked who I was on the inside. I was lucky I believed that was more important. I am 27. I am a wife and a mother of a 5 year old boy (who is more feminine then I am). I still hate my body and get along better with men. I understand how my husband thinks (most of the time, hes a little immature). My hair is super short, I prefer baggy shirts and jeans, sports bras and long shorts. I read stories/books about gay men because I relate to them more then ones about women. Sometimes I have fun doing myself up all pretty like, hair and make-up and tight jeans. I have a slight obsession with boots and shoes. I enjoy painting my nails and everything purple. I enjoy rom-coms when the mood hits me. Alecia Moore (Pink) is one of my idols, I enjoy bubble gum pop, boy bands and yes, even Taylor swift and Alanis Moresette (okay maybe Selena Gomez has a couple really catchy songs too). And I have learned I am not alone. I am not abstract. I am not strange or weird or off. There are others like me. And now I understand WHY. There has begun a huge movement regarding gender identity and gender expression. I have learned so much about this 'thing' that I never before knew existed, a way of being I always thought was me being weird. I learned that your sex is your genitals and your gender is how you feel. I learned that sometimes your sex and your gender don't line up. I learned that there are SCIENTIFIC FACTS that support this. I identify as non-binary. Some days I'm a girl but most days I'm a boy. I AM A UNIQUE SNOWFLAKE, just like everyone else. Expressing MY OWN IDENTITY is not a call for attention (the purple/blue/red/pink depending on the day hair maybe is though). Being thankful THERE IS A NAME FOR IT and that I'M NOT ALONE is not making things up. Asking you to respect WHO I AM is not attacking you, your family, your religion, your morals or your way of life. Wanting to tell other people and share what I have learned so NO ONE ELSE EVER FEELS WRONG AGAIN is not rubbing your face in it. Finally being able to not only ADMIT MY BODY IS WRONG but also UNDERSTAND WHY, is not jumping on the band-wagon or participating in a fad (I have always felt this way!) AND I AM NOT HURTING ANYONE
- 5 comments
-
- 4
-
- gender
- non-binary
-
(and 3 more)
Tagged with: