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Demetz

Morning musing

The first Thoughts as I wake up My last as I go to sleep The subject of my dreams The star of my fantasies If Ever before There was any doubt I am in love now This, I want to shout     I wrote this within a few minutes of waking up this morning.   Today will be a good day.
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Demetz

morning

My professor of literature and the occult, Dr Heim, died this past weekend, may he rest in peace. He knows now the truth of what he spent most of his life seeking out.   In the meantime, I have a new professor, with a very different attitude about how to run the class. Dr. Heim had an awesome policy: tardy? what is that? Attendance? -bleh, people come or they don't thats their business and what matters is if they know the material come exam time... which is also their business. My new professo
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Demetz

Losing my head

This entry gets rather personal and it covers less than cheery subject matter. I wrote this last night, feeling as miserable as could be...   I am losing my god damned head tonight. It didn
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Demetz

Letting go of old loves

There is something that must be done before one can move on from a broken up relationship, and that is to let go. It has bothered me that now more than a month after Dwayne and I broke up, I still think about him everyday... still play through conversations in my head... I need to stop that, but to do so, I needed to understand why I was still doing it. What I came up with as an answer is that although the relationship was broken up, I was still holding on to something... it wasn't hope of getti
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Islam and Homosexuality Part 2

I was referred to a video which supposedly justified the sactioned murder of homosexuals by Islamic law. Naturally I was skeptical.   http://islamictube.net/view_video.php?view...dd8fe4e481144d8   My skepticism was well warranted.   I do have to give the man credit for his discussion of the matter of homosexuality's naturalness. Indeed, humans are above the animal world because we have systems of morality and ethics and we can not govern our behavior by the idea that anything animals do is
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Islam and homosexuality

As many of you may already be aware, I am an ex-Muslim apostate. I converted to Islam in the summer of 2004, deserted it in late spring 2006. Among various other issues for my departure from that religion is the Islamic stance on homosexuality. I inquired about it on Islamonline.net, having been previously referred to that site as a legitimate site for the discussion of Islam.   This was my post:    
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insomniac heart

You know that feeling you get when you're sleeping alone... and no matter how hard you try, you can't trick your arms into believing the pillow in your arms is who you dream it to be?   Thats the feeling I've got tonight.   Well... thats all i had to say.
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Initial Results: I'm HIV- ; but I'm crying anyway

I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.   I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:     His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he
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Demetz

Idiots who stay with possessive-obsessives

Okay, So I've been had.   I don't know what to think/believe when it comes to the veracity of Aaron's claims. I do know that I don't trust him. Amusingly enough I actually put more weight in the word of his possessive-obsessive ex at this point.   It seems that Aaron had told him he would try to work things out with him. Hence the shock when he peaked through the window and saw Aaron jacking me off. Hence the emotional outburst a few minutes later. Hence the call I received from Jeremy a lit
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I hate banks

Okay, so I go to get a brand new car.... new for me anyway; Its a Red 2002 Chrysler Sebring 4 door sedan with only 29,000 miles on it... leather interior, brand new tires... suffice it to say, this car is awesome.   Thing is, it would cost me about 10,000 between cost of the car itself, taxes, tags and other nonsense. Well, thats what my credit union is there for, right? WRONG. At first they tell me they can only do 9,000 so we work it out with the dealer so that i can have 45 days to come up
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Hiatus.

Addendum   I find myself falling more and more into an emotional wreck. When that happens, I'm going to go offline so as not to do/say things to push people away.
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Happy News!

Okay, so two days ago I was breaking down in tears because it seemed like no matter what I did I could never get out of the rathole im currently living in. I got an extra shift permanently added to my schedule and im not a moron - i know how to live on a budget and what I can afford. With the extra shift each week I can afford my own place but it seemed like everywhere I went they wanted 3x rent as minimum monthly income. I was ready to give up... but yesterday I came across an ad in the paper..
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Grad school... a far off dream

... that may forever remain so.   Its not that I couldn't do the coursework, I could. Its not that I can't complete all the prerequisites... I can. Its not that I lack the ambition to try courses actually requiring thought, or that I lack the writing ability to do a master's thesis. I excel at analysis and have no problem writing.   Its that I don't have the funds to sign the check to the school, nor is my credit history sufficient enough to merit borrowing against my soul. I would have to b
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General plan for education

On the financial side I'm looking at loans, loans loans.   I'll be taking four courses this summer, and another five in the fall to complete my bachelor's by december.   In January '08 I will start graduate school. I will be completing it as quickly as possible, since I'll be taking out loans to pay for it and live off of. Five courses in the spring, four over the summer, and five more in the fall will have all my coursework finished in one year. Spring of '09 will see me doing my thesis and
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Gay candidate for political office?

I have often considered the possibility of running for political office. I know that inevitably any run for office would mean my sexuality would be brought up. Today I saw this comment in response to a question "would you vote for someone who is gay" and it irked me enough that I ended up writing out the rest of this blog entry     Apparently it nowhere crossed his mind that candidate x's gayness may not be an issue by the choice of candidate x.   I happen to be gay, I have a long term rel
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Gavin.... :)

Today started off like many other days... I woke up, looked around, wondered whether I was already late for class, looked at the clock and saw that I was not, and then was faced with the decision of whether to go, or not to go. I went. I'm glad I did, actually. My microeconomics professor had our exams back... I got a 63 out 100 points. Normally this might be something to feel devastated by. However, as the average grade was in the low 30s, a 31 point curve boosed my grade to a 94... which means
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Friction Sex?

This is what Aaron asked of me last night..... essentially, lubing him up, lubing up my stomach, and then laying on me and sliding back and forth........ one problem though: I'm pretty hairy and that's not so comfortable.   Anyway... this guy moved very fast and I think I've figured out why. His ex is also his roomate and apparently his ex's car is also his primary means of transportation. His ex is apparently extraordinarily controlling and a bit of a drama queen. The ex actually wanted to co
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Flight

Last night, some of you may have witnessed me throwing a bit of a temper tantrum and a subsequent pity party. I believe it went something along the lines of "f**kING f**k f**k BANK OF AMERICA THoSE SHITS" followed whimpering as I tried to pull myself together and deal with the situation.   What happened: I had the perfect itinerary and at a cost just meeting my budget. The problem was I did not have enough money actually in the bank at the time, so I had to make a deposit. Unfortunately, they
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First time blogger here

This is my first entry here (as though you couldn't tell). Basically I intend to use this space as somewhat of a journal, so I guess I'll start with what's happened since I woke up today.   Had breakfast with the family today for the first time in a long time. That's when they sprung a surprise family BBQ party on me for today, which meant lots of cleaning up to do. I vaccumed out the pool and cleaned out the pool filter (I can't believe how quickly that thing gets clogged up!). The chlorine i
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Finishing College; Moving forward

Warning: This blog may contain graphic contact and/or TMI. Read at your own risk.   So this week is my last week of undergraduate school. Papers, exams..... blah. Just so glad to be done with it all.   Saturday I walk the stage, sometime in January I'll have my Bachelor's degree in hand....   From here, I don't know where I'm going to go. I'm still going to apply to the University of Pennsylvania, though I'd rather go to Princeton. I'm going to be applying to a bunch of grad schools actual
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Finances; Writing

So yesterday I got a nasty note from the university wanting me to pay $975 I didn't think I'd have to pay for another couple months... but even so, I should be able to pay that off and be almost completely out of credit card debt by the end of the month. It just means I won't have the cash on hand I thought I'd have to pay down my computer loan. By the end of next month I'll have the cards paid off completely and a hefty amount of cash in hand to buy a car the first week of June... when I'll fin
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Feeling a bit better today

As always seems to happen with me, when I get to feeling bad I can feel good again by sleeping it off.   In other news... pics of me seem to have come into popular demand, so here's a good one... of me sliding off the face of the planet. Enjoy!  
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Family de genetics & Roomates by... ugh, they suck

A few things to go over... I'll start with the more depressing so I can leave off on a high note.   Well, I've been out to much of my family for several months now. The only one I can see ever actually accepting me is my dad. With my mother... any time the subject of Silven or the baby comes up I get an icy cold vibe from her. My guess as to why: she's attending a pentecostal church. There is no room in a good pentecostal family for a gay son, much less a gay son's boyfriend and his son - and
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Evolving Identity

I just got done watching a movie called "Boy Culture" ... I enjoyed it even i don't care for all the hustling... still a few good points were made here and there. I ended up reflecting a bit on myself as I watched it and came across a scene where they're talking about the stages of being gay.   In stage 1, you've just come out to yourself and you have this romantic idea of not being a slut and meeting another guy who is also not a slut and living happily ever after with him. My stage 1 lasted
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Escape

Something has crossed my mind rather frequently lately - Gays need to just pack up and go. All of us....   . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .....to Montanna.   Why? -Montanna has one of the lowest populations in the county and IIRC from 8th civics class its the only state in the union with a population low enough that it has fewer representaives than it does senators. If Gay people move to Montanna en masse we could easily grab up those two senate seats and depending on just h
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