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Initial Results: I'm HIV- ; but I'm crying anyway


Demetz

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I'll get the rest of my test results back on Friday. I got the results for my HIV test back today: I'm non-reactive. Now, I'm really wishing I hadn't gone to see Dwayne in September because if I hadn't I wouldn't have had to do what I did next.

 

I left a tagline on my instant messenger relating that I was HIV -. He came online and asked me what the message meant. The rest of the conversation went like this:

 

Dwayne says:

whats you message about?

Demetz says:

Actually I was just about to e-mail you

Demetz says:

The initial results for my std tests came back, I was non-reactive for HIV

Demetz says:

I get the results for the other tests back on friday

Demetz says:

However, the HIV test only covers up to three months ago

Dwayne says:

nonreactive?

Demetz says:

which as you know, means that the time we were together in september is not covered

Demetz says:

nonreactive: they do a test for the presence of HIV antibodies. If non-reactive, there aren't enough HIV antibodies to show up in the test, of reactive, there are.

Dwayne says:

okay

Dwayne says:

i was always told in a yes or no format

Dwayne says:

b ut if you don't have them now, how could you have had them then?

Demetz says:

Theres a more precise test they can do, that might be the one they gave you]

Demetz says:

what?

Demetz says:

Anyway, as I was saying; I'm not asking this to hurt you, and don't pussyfoot about my feelings here, if you cheated on me between the time you saw me in July and the time I flew up to see you in September, I need to know

Dwayne says:

don't ever speak to me again

Dwayne says:

EVER

Dwayne says:

NEVER

Dwayne says:

you have the nerve to ask such a questiom

Dwayne says:

how dare you

Dwayne says:

HOW DARE YOU?

Dwayne says:

the awnser is no

Demetz says:

thank you thats what I needed to know, and to answer the question, I can as that question because I don't know who you are anymore and as a matter of protecting myself, I needed to know.

Demetz says:

If you hate me for that, then I"m sorry.

Dwayne says:

i could not hate you, i just can not believe you had to ask that qu=estion

Demetz says:

You think it was easy for me?

Dwayne says:

how could you not know the awnser?

Dwayne says:

you know my rules/values

Demetz says:

Dwayne so many things I thought were CERTAIN have been proven WRONG... so far wrong that I lost all confidence in my own judgment about what happened because I JUST DON"T KNOW

Demetz says:

I'm sorry if that hurts you

Demetz says:

Hurting you has never EVER been my intention

Demetz says:

You should know that, if nothing else.

Demetz says:

But with so many things I believed proven wrong, there was nothing left I could say with certainty

Demetz says:

I doubted you would do that to me, Dwayne, but I HAD TO KNOW FOR CERTAIN

Demetz says:

Which meant building up the courage to ask.

Demetz says:

I don't even know if you're still there, but please believe I never wanted to hurt you.

 

His status is always set to appear offline so I don't know how much of that he read. I realize the question must have hurt him. I probably could have found a more tactful way of asking it.... I'm crying as I'm typing this because of how much it hurt me to ask it. But as I tried to explain to him... I had to know... I had to be sure beyond any doubt, and as much as it hurt me, with everything thats happened, I just couldn't be certain without asking.

 

Dwayne, if you're reading this, I'm sorry that question hurt you. That has never been my intention. Someday, I hope you can forgive my doubt.

 

I called Gavin after talking to Dwayne. I explained to him that my test had come back non-reactive and what that meant. I told him about the conversation I'd had with Dwayne, and I told him that I believe Dwayne told me the truth. Gavin said if I'm satisfied with the answer, then so is he. I hope I never have to go through something like this again.

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Actually, you didn't ahve to ask that question. You never have to talk to him again. If you had just waited a while and had the followup test -- which you're supposed to do anyway, just in case -- you would have had your answer.

 

I don't have the place to say this, but it's painful to see you prolonging your pain like this. You need to stop thinking about this guy. You needed to stop thinking about him a long time ago, but you especially need to stop thinking about him now. You're young, you ahve a whole life in front of you, and you just don't need this.

 

I think you're elevating the STD testing to a metaphor for something, when it should be as simple as taking a car in for its 3000 mile checkup. And I think you're hurting yourself doing it.

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Actually, you didn't ahve to ask that question. You never have to talk to him again. If you had just waited a while and had the followup test -- which you're supposed to do anyway, just in case -- you would have had your answer.

 

I don't have the place to say this, but it's painful to see you prolonging your pain like this. You need to stop thinking about this guy. You needed to stop thinking about him a long time ago, but you especially need to stop thinking about him now. You're young, you ahve a whole life in front of you, and you just don't need this.

 

I think you're elevating the STD testing to a metaphor for something, when it should be as simple as taking a car in for its 3000 mile checkup. And I think you're hurting yourself doing it.

 

I needed to know I would not be endangering Gavin if something more happens between me and him than already has. I was not going to allow myself to put Gavin in danger. It may be a simple matter to just say I should wait a month... I already know from experience though that in the heat of the moment I'm less likely to think about these things and more likely to take risks I wouldn't take otherwise. Before someone chews me out for that, remember thats why I'm getting checked before you criticize me. Whatever emotional demons I had to face with Dwayne to get the information I needed... is worth knowing I won't be sentencing Gavin to a life with AIDS by being with him.

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I needed to know I would not be endangering Gavin if something more happens between me and him than already has. I was not going to allow myself to put Gavin in danger. It may be a simple matter to just say I should wait a month... I already know from experience though that in the heat of the moment I'm less likely to think about these things and more likely to take risks I wouldn't take otherwise. Before someone chews me out for that, remember thats why I'm getting checked before you criticize me. Whatever emotional demons I had to face with Dwayne to get the information I needed... is worth knowing I won't be sentencing Gavin to a life with AIDS by being with him.

 

Chews you out anyway :/

 

:king: Dr. Mr. Snow "Snoopy" Dog

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No one is going to criticize you for getting checked, for your sake and Gavin's. I am happy that the tests turned out good.

 

Don't beat yourself up so much, you apologized a lot to Dwayne, I don't think you needed to. Standing your ground and asking the questions that you did, even if it made him angry, does not lower you to his level.

 

You did the right thing and asked the right questions, I think he reacted the way he did because he knows he put you in that frame of mind, and maybe he isn't that happy with himself.

 

Good luck with Gavin.

 

Ex.

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