So let's see the last couple of days have been really good. Yesterday at work we exchanged gifts. It was great I got this really nice box of truffles (MMMMM), a watch (which I love), a book (which I'll read sooner or later), and random other goodies, and I think everyone liked what I got them too. Anyway then after work I hung out with a friend of mine (and also gave her, her Christmas present, which she really liked), We went to Wal-Mart for awhile because she needed some stuff for a trip she's taking soon to visit her "special friend" (she refuses to call him her boyfriend since they live so far apart) in Ohio. She wanted thermal underwear, and apparently they didn't have it for girls at Wal-Mart so we were in the men's clothing section anyway.......yeah can't get me around clothes these days without me buying something. But it was actually really frustrating I kept seeing stuff I wanted but then they wouldn't have it in my size! Like I saw a pack of black undershirts (OK I know that's not exactly new or really cool, but it hadn't occurred to me I could buy them by the pack, I'd just been buying random black shirts and wearing them underneath), anyway I wear small shirts (especially undershirts), but they didn't have any, and I think they only had like one or two packs of mediums even. Then I saw this other shirt I really liked and the smallest size they made was large.....I mean what's the deal?! Amazingly I was able to find a new pair of black pants in my size though, which I'll probably wear to that New Year's Eve, eve cocktail party I got an invitation to the other day. Yeah it seems the preppiest girl from my elementary school (yep we're talking K-8 here), is hosting a cocktail party. Anyway it should be fun to see everyone again, and I'm sure the food, and atmosphere will be great. Of course I'll have to be on my best behavior (and most closeted lol), but I always like dressing up and visiting with people I haven't seen in awhile. Oh so anyway then we went back to her place for awhile and visited, it was nice.

OH yeah so the point of this blog. I was proud of myself because my apartment was a complete disaster area, since I've been kinda busy and haven't felt like cleaning up; plus I had like random Christmas presents and wrapping supplies strewn all over the place, and I hadn't showered yet since I'd come home from work and needed a shave. BUT I still invited my friend over! That's a major breakthrough for me lol. See I am a product of my background, and growing up I was always very aware of the message "everything needs to seem perfect!" So as a result I always stressed about having everything just so and looking just right. I also developed several nifty little anxiety related problems. Like random weird phobias, and obsessive-compulsive disorder, and at my worst little ticks. So anyway at the height of my neuroses I was afraid of cheese-graters (which was actually an improvement over a more generalized blade phobia), bridges, railing, and dentists. I'm pretty much over all these now, and yeah systematic desensitization works, I just forced myself to deal with them and see that nothing was going to happen (which I intellectually knew anyway). The only one of the before mentioned which still creeps me out is the dentist (actually going to one, I can be around them socially no problem), but hey it's not that bad, I'm obsessive about taking care of my teeth and actually consider my smile one of my best physical features. And I do still manage to go about once a year and last time I went he said "they look great, whatever you're doing keep doing" (of course that night I had this awful nightmare in which he said "oops I was wrong, we need to pull them all out!"). And I even managed to stay semi-calm while I was there (OK I did want to get up and run, and was definitely getting the sweaty palms, racing heart, and butterflies, but all to a lesser extent that usual). So anyway I honestly think I'm phobia free right now, I wouldn't even consider my dental aversion strong enough to be phobic anymore.

So the OCD, that was rough and lasted from about 7th grade through 12th before it started to taper off. I became a compulsive "checker" (whereby you have to keep looking to see if the door's locked, or the faucets really tightened enough). I also had the "wanting to repeat certain words" over and over. And everything had to be "balanced" I mean I couldn't have a book on the left or right side of a desk, it had to be centered, everything had to be straight, if something was on the left something comparable needed to be on the right. The worst was if I bumped something with my left arm or something touched my left side, I needed to bump or touch something on the right. It was totally messed up, even if I ran into a doorway or something and hurt me left arm, I'd be thinking "man that hurt!", even as I was seeking something else out to run my right arm into (usually more gently though) :wacko: . And counting, oh goodness don't even get me started on counting, try quadruple checking everything you count. OH and I mustn't forget the crowning compulsion. I'm Catholic, so we make the "Sign of the Cross" before and after prayers, and considering I went to Catholic School my whole life we prayed alot! So anyway you basically touch your forehead, chest, and left then right shoulder. Can anyone guess how easy it is for someone with the before mentioned symptoms to fall into a habit of needing to do it over and over again until it's perfect?? It's so comical looking back on it, I'd literally like say "hey look over there!" then when everyone turned around I'd do it again real quick and hope that was enough. And yes it even got the point that I'd develop little ticks sometimes if I tried to stop myself from doing one of the things.

Now here's the kicker, I managed to suffer mostly unnoticed. I mean I wasn't as embarrassed about the phobias so I didn't hide that, and they were never as troublesome anyway. But the rechecking thing was tricky, so was the touch thing (especially the sign of the cross), but I was always an "eccentric" kid. I was the "entertainer", the one with all the jokes/wacky antics, and I was never happy unless everyone else was having fun (gee I wonder if THAT had anything to do with the anxiety trouble?). So anyway it was fairly easy (and not that out of the ordinary) for me to play most of the stuff off as some sort of game or novelty. "Is that door really closed?" I'd say, then proceeded to check it five times, making random remarks, to the delight of my friends (and my relief). And if I got stuck on needing to say the word "monosyllabic" over and over, well let's just say I could quickly whip it into a little song/rhyme or slip it into several sentences. Anyway I did really well with it, my family did notice at the worst of it, but my friends and classmates, who of course didn't know what to look for, just thought I was on another kick.

And now? Well now.....I'm fine. I don't do any of that stuff anymore. I can count stuff once, it's fine if something only touches me on one side. No more word sticking, no more ticks, no more phobias. I mean I know I've still got a vulnerability to developing junk again, but I'm really fine now, and have enough experience to know when stuff could start developing and thus head it off. Like last week at work things were really hectic and I remember some word getting stuck in my head for a bit, but I was able to just say "Kevin, it's okay, STOP that and chill out." So how did I "recover"? Relaxation, learning about the problem, and will power. If you can NOT check the door more than once, and just hand someone the money after counting it once,,,,well eventually you see that it's fine. It's just in that moment I had to able to say "now that's it, stop". I got to the point where I'd purposely do something off balance and then not let myself balance it. I mean there are techniques and methods you can use, the trick is just having the will power and determination to do it. But I'd say the single most important factor is to just decompress and relax.

As messed up as it sounds things got better once I moved out. I love my family and really did have a very happy childhood, and as amazing as it sounds I was never "unhappy" at all while all of this was going on, and it really didn't interfere much with everyday stuff. But my mom and grandparents (whom I grew up with), are an interesting sort. My grandmother's outspoken and has what I guess you could call a volatile temper, it's easy to set her off, and she can be verbally aggressive, but then just gets over it five minutes later. My grandfather seems unflappable, and he's definitely the best adjusted person in my family (including, no definitely including my aunt and cousin). My mom seems to ignore it all then rants about it to everyone else and by herself. I guess I'm just prone to internalize stuff, if there's conflict I stay calm and supportive during it, then go to pieces later, or redirect into the anxiety junk. Anyway I also just developed a healthy bit of apathy. "There's no way we can get all this done!" someone will say, and now instead of freaking out and taking on the stress, I'll just do my best but basically take on the attitude "oh well we won't get all done then, not the end of the world." Of course this has its price. In High School I made all A's and was extremely driven to do well in all aspects. In college,,,,not so much. My grades are decent (about a 3.3), but I'll go to sleep or go out to dinner if I think it's better for me than staying home and working on something school related. "oh well so instead of an excellent project I'll turn in an average one and stay sane". Instead of being really productive at work I'll get the important stuff done and then just relax. It comes at a price, I moved up quickly as far as rank and pay went at first, then after I got my laid back attitude, I was happier but pretty much leveled off. I've almost accepted that I can't please everyone all the time (though I still often think there's a way if I can just figure it out).

But it has to with lifestyle too, I'm now very careful to never get less than 7 hours of sleep a night, and I usually shoot for 8 or 9. I take vitamins everyday and get plenty of exercise. I don't eat fast food and try to stick with a healthy diet. And mostly I just try to take care of myself. The other trick is to deal with my problems instead of ignoring them or redirecting them. If I'm upset with someone or upset about something, then I'll actually make it a point to stop and deal with, figure out what I need to do to fix it or make it better. Then there's the actually figuring out what I want from life thing. I had to realize that maybe a high paying, prestigious job still wouldn't make me happy, and may do the opposite. I could do something intense and stressful, because I usually get good results it's just that it would mess up my personal life. Sure I'd like to be rich and famous, and I