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paya

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One our saying says „it’s better [read: easier] to burn down the house than move it“. Another one says „your best friend shows in need“. I need to move and I asked my friends for a help.

 

Since it’s not an easy move but over almost 1000 miles, there haven’t been many volunteers. And those that were willing to help are falling off for different reasons and I’m short one man that is needed. Where are my best friends that should be supposed to drop everything and come to help when you’re in need? Or what makes a best friend best friend? Do I get it wrong?

 

Now for something completely different. ;) I had another interesting talk this weekend. It made me think. If I’m coming out to people so easily now, being encouraged by not negative reactions, am I assuming (wrongly) that everyone is fine with it? After all, we’re in Europe; here when you come out, nobody will say in your face that you’re going to burn in hell. But are they really OK me being gay? And more importantly, how can I find out?

 

In my life so far, I’ve made/found/been gifted with two “best friends” for quite a long time (each in the different period of my life, one, let’s call him Martin, for seven years or so, the other one (to be called Peter here) for around... well almost seven years as well!). After latest development, they both now know I am gay and that I have a boyfriend. Peter has met Westie several times, Martin learnt last weekend.

 

I haven’t talked about me being gay with neither of them. I mean, yes, there has been the coming out part and all, but in a way, I still don’t know what they are thinking about it. They might be accepting (no sulphur and brimstone) but I sort of feel our relationship had changed. Do they think I perved on them (I did have a crush on one but it wasn’t what I now know is love), do they think I still want to rape them anytime I meet them – because I’m gay (and gays obviously do that)? Are they still as comfortable around me as they used to be? How do I find out?

 

I’ve been brushing over this awkwardness for some time but now when I am in need of any good friend that would be willing to help with the move and is actually free in the given time, there’s deafening silence. I still have to wait for an answer from Martin, while Peter excused himself because after his serious illness broke out (his MS got confirmed), he doesn’t want to risk longer journeys. And I don't question that – even if I feel that in this case the MS came in handy... because no matter how serious it might be, it actually allows for a normal life and given all the precautions are kept, there are no limitations to the person having it. So did I lose my best friend? Did I lose him to a terrible disease or to me being gay? Was the other one a true friend any time at all? Why the two guys I thought I could always rely on, in any bad time or need I might be, why didn’t they come to help me? What makes a true best friend? And is it possible to lose them because they might accept the information about my gayness but they might not be so OK with it?

 

Last paragraph, I promise! :) There’s another thing linked to the coming out. If you find yourself in an accepting environment, when you come out, do you take those people who “know” as hostages? They might be under peer pressure – they might not be alright with that but for fear to be ostracised they won't say anything and 1) pretend nothing has happened, 2) not talk about that subject at all? What if they have questions that need to be asked but they are afraid to do that? How do you have a serious talk about a thing that is inherent to you and the others don’t feel comfortable talking about it? It puts a strain on the relationship with those people – and not a small one. So while I might get relieved from a big burden weighing on me, it’s possible I just passed it over on others – moreover those, that I have deep feelings for. It has never occurred to me that coming out might also be selfish – “hey hou everyone! I’m gay, deal with it however you like; I don’t care because you can’t hate me”.

 

All those thoughts have been bugging me all weekend and got me a serious headache. :-/ I don't know the answers, I don't have the third driver I need and I might have never had the best friends in my life... What a hoot!

 

papaya200px.jpg

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Pavel,

 

I'm not the right person to be giving you any advice about the gay lifestyle or coming out, etc. I can say that, without respect to the reasons, friendships are fragile things. While they are easily made for some people and more difficult for others, they are easily lost for all of us. You are moving 1,000 miles away from home and from these friends you are concerned about. That distance will put a strain on a friendship. I would guess distance is the reason you are moving 1,000 miles. You don't want that kind of strain on your most important friendship.

 

You should try to maintain those old friendships...and it's a lot easier to do these days than it was when I moved from home. If those friendships don't survive for whatever reason, don't dwell on the reason. If they can't help you make the move to London, just think about how great a distance 1,000 miles is. You are asking a lot. Stay in touch with them; visit them when you are back home. Give them every opportunity to remain your friend.

 

Most important, think of all the new friends you are going to make. Your very best friend will be there with you. I doubt you will ever be lacking for friends.

 

Have a safe trip.

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I think you really need to talk to your friends first before assuming that they're being weird about the whole gay thing. :P But yeah...having real friends is hard and most of the ones you thought were real turn out not to be. It's always in tough situations like that where you see who your real friends are. But like YB said...you're moving 1000 miles away...it's an opportunity to make new friends and start fresh. :)

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