i had some flings in high school, but it was about as high school as anything could of gotten. incredibly romantic and short lived and life went on. i tended to go through close friends, i had my circuit of friends and then some closer ones, those usually were in flux not all the time but every... i dunno, change of a few seasons, your friends change. i was bored with myself i think.

but i had a close friend and he and i were cool. we shared alot in common and whatever (he writes beat poetry now in the LBC and is all fancy. drinks wine, we don't talk but sometimes i see him on facebook, i like he is doing well). we both go on a school trip to Washington D.C and this other dude goes who i always had eyes for. never talked to him once. i was friends with one of his close friends, she sat next to me in spanish 2. i think i failed that class. but i knew his name was brandon but that was it. it was one of those people that you just remember, or when im going in between class i'd look for him. but the main thing was that i always felt he was gay. even in high school when i didn't really admit it to myself that i was gay, it wasn't a thing of hiding or being ashamed i just didn't really want to associate with it yet. i still liked guys i just don't think i was ready to be adult about it. or maybe i was ashamed, can't say now. i have a shirt that says, "Sorry ladies, I suck cock" but i only wear that on particular occasions

on this trip though i just went for it, started talking to him. at least i think that is were i started talking to him on that trip. or maybe it was a little bit before. i think it came to fruition there, away from home. i remember we exchanged numbers and would text each other after lights out, he was in another room from me. its hard to remember proper but i guess it was surreal.

when we got back i asked him to hang out and that began our friendship, my other close friend included. he always would complain that i was different when brandon was around. i don't know. but he made me sick all the time. i was a quasi pussy when i couldn't understand something. he was a grade younger, but that boy rendered me useless.

we would usually hang out in 3's, sometimes he and i would hang out alone. he would drive us around in his mom's corolla and listen to shit tons of music. he got me into alot of artist i like now still. he was quiet and i guess i could shove him under the category "emo" but that could be a bit much. we would hang out late, late into the night driving around and stuff. we didn't say much, i wanted to say alot but i always was so different around him.

there would be all these moments, few, but they were there were something could of happened. i could of made a move or something. i never did. i would sleep over all the time, we planned a camping trip for 3 and the other couldn't go and he and i went. nothing happened. Could of, should of for christ sake, didn't.

time goes by, i graduate. go off to school. don't hear from him in years. friends on facebook.

one day i saw him on and i just msg'd him, i think out of nostalgia and ask him whats up. he is studying some shit on the east coast. i just msg him back giving him my number saying hit me up when you're back home. i really didn't think anything of it and months pass.

i get a text from him and i don't reply for like 2 days cause i was estranged at the fact. then i do and we chat and he wants to hang out. i lied him away. the next night i think i was drunk so i obvi had to text him something, but usually im pretty good at that and just made small talk. but then he dropped some line saying he had gone to a bar and gotten hit on by men and bought drinks by some dude. so i was like oh did you get his number, a joke encase his was straight bro, and he said oh no he has a bf and is my dads age, i say something cheesey and he says well the guy was sexy for his age. i didn't reply.

if im partially delusional that's pretty gay. at this point i just assume he is. i totally want to fuck the living daylights out of him and like re-hash that un-ended crap back in high school. 1% of me thinks that i could totally wrangle something dope out of this.

but i don't wanna. i want to lie again, i don't know why. i feel like im too different then to now, not drastically different. but different. a part of me doesn't know if im just making this up, but im simply drawing this from past emotions and things that happened. i could talk for days for the sake of the few that tire through this crap i won't.

he msg'd me today on facebook. so he clearly had to pre-meditate that. the fuck. i think a part of me wants to be something else completely before i hang out with him again after a time. but he goes back to school soon im assuming. its really weird and the feeling isn't sad or anything either. maybe its longing

im confident in saying that back then whatever i felt i hadn't felt that way for anybody, some sort of sharp understanding. could be pipe dreams though