Occasionally a story will come along that goes beyond just being good and becomes important. Dabegle's Everything's Jake is one of those stories. It rather graphically illustrates how gay teens and young adults can wake up and find themselves in abusive relationships.

No one that I've ever met just decides one day hot damn, where can I find someone to abuse me every day? Abusive relationships happen to gay and straight young people every day and none of them are looking for it.

There is an old story about how you boil a frog. If you put him in water, he'll stay in it. Then you turn the heat up and he won't jump out. That's how abusive relationships work. They are a seduction. Everything looks fine and then things take subtle turns. You start excusing things, making excuses and blaming yourself. Before long, you are living in hell and wondering what happened.

Who is at risk?

If you were abused as a child or teen, you are at higher risk for abusive relationships than anyone else. Certain personality characteristics put you at risk: insecurity, inferiority and immaturity all play a part.

What is an abuser?

Abusers are a sort of predator. They look for people that they can dominate and manipulate. They use all sorts of tools to do it: emotionally, sexually and even use physical force to control. They are often very macho and controlling. They typically have a hot temper and will be quick to slap, punch and use very rough sex to enforce compliance with his rule.

Why do people stay?

Sometimes the abuser will make his victim completely dependent on them for a place to live, job, transportation and food. The victim can become so controlled by fear, intimidation and/or their own basic insecurity that they will put up with damn near anything.

How do you spot abusive behaviors?

This is why this story is so instructive. Paul's behavior illustrates the controlling nature of abusers to a tee. Here are a few bright red flags to look out for.

Your needs never come first. Any discussion is rebellion and quashed. They belittle you and make you feel incompetent.

The people at my office were all older and more experienced. They said I could go to school and if it was for a subject related to my job they'd pay for it, so I rushed home to tell Paul. He slapped me to the ground.

 

“Are you really that dumb?” He stood over me, voice low and menacing. Dangerous.

 

“But Paul...they said if...”

 

“You really are that dumb.” He sneered and pushed me with the toe of his shoe, “You know you aren't smart, we all know that. But here you go thinking you should be in school. We talked about this, right now I go to school. We don't make enough for you to go too, and not only that you stupid fuck,” he kicked me in the ribs, “If you don't get good grades, they don't pay for it. You have to pay up front, they reimburse you. So if you fuck up in class, which you will, we get stuck with a big fucking bill!”