I've tried to write this so many times, and keep deleting it. I really don't know how to say what's on my mind.

• My brother, R, wasn't feeling well at the end of October, but our sister, M, thought he could wait until he saw the specialist in December.
  
• I spoke with M before thanksgiving when she wanted one of our dad's recipes. I suggested getting R to a doctor then, but she felt it could wait until the specialist visit in December.
  
• The appointment with the specialist was January not early December like M and R implied.
  
• He had the flu which caused pneumonia. The autopsy found a cyst on his pancreas, indicating he had an infection there for some time.
  
• One of the internist attending R mentioned he was taking immunosuppressants.
  
• My niece, J, was his care taker and was supposed to go shopping with him. She refused to be seen in public with him. So he was able to purchase large quantities of alcohol.
  

I keep looping through those. I guess I'm at the anger stage, but I think he shouldn't have gotten so sick. All of us failed him.

Then the obit, I'm so angry over this. I wanted to pay for it, but my sister wanted the free one. Then she got a "donation" from work and had me write a longer one. Then she rewrote the obit. Some of the things in it angered me. But it's small things really, my sister's control issue is really, really irritating me.

I'm having trouble dealing with some of the responses to his obit. A lot of his classmates talked about him, things I didn't see when he was a teenager. Good things, and I'm glad. But one person keeps reminding everyone of the time we spent in a foster home. Maybe she's not thinking, or maybe she didn't know that the foster home was closed because the foster mother and her daughter were abusing M and I. I wish she'd stop. With all the final details, and the grief over our brother we really don't need to be reminded of one of the worst times of our lives.