I belong to an online dating site.

I don't date often because the whole experience is just bizarre.

In selecting a picture and creating a profile, I have some advice.

1. Don't lie. You haven't been age x since the eighties.

2. Don't lie. You aren't a millionaire and you don't drive a Porsche.

3. Don't lie. I don't care if you work as a manager at Shoe-land. Working a steady job anywhere is a big plus.

4. Don't lie. I'll figure out if you're an abusive alcoholic pretty quick.

5. Don't lie. That's not your picture. I've seen it before. How is that even supposed to work if we meet?

6. Don't lie. I don't want to see your dog, girlfriend, wife, kid, mother, cat or boyfriend on you picture.

7. Don't lie. I can smell a game a mile away and as soon as I do, I'm gone.

8. Don't lie. I can smell a scam a mile away and as soon as I do, I'm gone.

9. Don't lie. Try to rob me and I'll stab you and laugh while you bleed to death prick.

10. Don't lie. It's the number one deal breaker and the reason why online dating doesn't work unless you're an Abercrombie & Fitch model. It probably doesn't even work for them because it seems like everybody f-ing lies.

Notice the trend???

I'm a guy in my early fifties in good shape. I go to the gym 3 times a week and I'm healthy.

If that's not good enough, move on.

Just don't jerk me off... unless we both agree in advance.