The past two months have taken a toll on me. There has been a lot of change.

11 years ago my mother passed. At the time I lived in Connecticut, but one call changed it.

Not even a year later my father called and asked me to move back home. He didn't want to be alone. I was 40.

Moving home seen the end of my dating, a rare night out every six months or so, and running to doctors for him or me. I had eye surgeries, a triple bypass, and felt the pressure to keep him going.

I heard him tell people I was lazy, stupid, and not helpful. My self esteem nosedived, but I put on a smile and did as needed.

This year he had nasal surgery on polyps that were growing. Then issues with his blood pressure. He took a fall in the bathroom and cut his head open. Two weeks later he woke throwing up blood. Failing kidneys, liver, retention of fluids, lung issues and more within his last weeks of life.

He passed on last Friday, 14 hours after being taken off life support. He was finally buried on Wednesday. I had to handle everything alone because my brother lives in a high covid state, Florida. The emotional drain has been enormous. 

So for 10 years I have been the caregiver and my life has been on hold. I have to readjust how I view and do things. I can date. Who wants a broken down 50 year old?

The door closed and a whole wall fell. Once I can figure out who I am, maybe I can live for me again.

Sorry to ramble, just needed to vent.