Venting Machine

It'll happen at some point. Don't try to dodge it, duck it, or outrun it. You can be the nicest, most docile, most hard-working person on planet Earth...you can back out of conflicts, you can work yourself to the point of utter exhaustion trying to avoid an argument or attempt to keep the peace...but that sinister beast is going to creep up, raise its head, and find you every single time. It happens. It's never a matter of 'if'...but 'when'. And all you can do is try to find healthy ways to deal with it when it comes knocking. Hehehe! Because it WILL come knocking! Trust me!

But hey, we've all got creative minds here! And as writers, I believe that we have the most potent, most explosive, and most effective, forms of expression when it comes to letting that savage BEAST out of its cage! Because some people don't appreciate fucking ANYTHING! People who can't even be bothered to hit a 'like' button or give decent feedback, but still feel entitled to your talents whenever they feel like it instead of developing any talents of their own to give back. It's not right, and it's not fair, and it can make you sooooo fucking angry sometimes! ARRRGGGHHHH!!! But...don't let it get to you when you can guide that energy into creating something that you're truly passionate about instead. Use it to make you stronger. Anger weighs you down like you wouldn't believe. It burns and it rages and can ultimately cause you to destroy yourself from within if you don't learn to deal with it properly and find ways to get your sanity back. It's not a strike against you to get angry. Let's be honest...when you're an artist, no matter what your field of expertise might be...you can be a bit sensitive about the projects that you pour your entire heart into. I believe it happens to all of us at one time or another. We're all fully exposed for the world to see, and there are going to be a high percentage of readers who don't understand that. But...if you really feel like you need an immediate outlet for the feelings inside in order to keep yourself from reaching a boiling point, and are willing to put your true emotions on display without feeling as though you're being judged or looked down upon...you can channel that energy into your work and really create a visceral experience for your readers that they will definitely be able to relate to and engage with in a way that will keep them GLUED to the screen lie never before as you get that weight off of your shoulders and finally find some peace of mind simultaneous. It can be a win/win situation. You can really use that inner fury to generate emotions that you simply can't do with fictional characters and plot points alone.

Something that I've learned from being pushed to the very edge of my sanity over the years myself is that it feels so much better to get rid of it. There are so many people who don't have a goddamn thing to say to me unless they're complaining about something. Not happy birthday, not Merry Christmas, not, "I heard you were sick...I hope you feel better." Nothing. And that's cool. Whatever. I'm just a faceless entity on the internet. But don't come rudely knocking when you want a new chapter of something and act like I owe it to you! Are you kidding me? Now *YOU* fucking want something, so decide to speak up??? If you want to be a silent observer, then stay silent! Fuck off! Suddenly you want me to entertain you for free just because you asked me to pop up like a genie every time you rub the lamp? No. That's not how this works. You have no 'emotional currency' with me at all. I get busy, tired, shy, and lazy, too sometimes. Go bother somebody else for your free shit before you shoot any rude comments my way. I have an infinite amount of love for people who stick with me, support me and the site and participate every once in a while. I LOVE it when they get excited! But some try to be online bullies and I really couldn't care less. I'm seriously baffled by the nerve of some of these people, I really am. Because I would never do that to another human being. Not ever. Like...what do these people see when they look at themselves in the mirror every morning? Really.

It's so damn pathetic. It really is.

Let me stop before I start ranting on this subject...hehehe...

The more honest you are with your writing, even when it makes you feel exposed or embarrassed...the more your audience is likely to vibe with everything that you have to say. It's a part of the process. One that I think every writer should embrace and fuel with their major frustrations in life. Whether it's heartbreak, humor, or in this case...raw anger and loathing. Just remember...being able to 'vent' your wrath in a story, that comes with a few upsides and downsides as well. Hehehe, as with everything else...this has to be used with a certain level of finesse. And finesse only comes with practice. So consider this an exercise, and give yourselves time to get good at it before you just start vomiting up paragraphs of hatred all over the place. K? Remember...you're still writing an actual STORY here! Don't get too lost in an unstable tirade if you can help it. It feels good to get it out of your system...but readers can tell. Hehehe!

(And if you figure out how...can you maybe give me some tips too? Because I could definitely use some. Hehehe! I've ventured off into some very dark places many times myself, and had to pull myself back together.)

For anybody who hasn't been on this site for any length of time...I'll be totally honest with you and address the elephant in the room. ::Giggles:: I have a temper! A BAD one, at that! It's one of those things that I inherited from my father that I wish I could have gotten rid of years ago. No such luck. So I have definitely had my fair share of nuclear meltdowns online when someone really pissed me off. And that comes mostly from me doing everything that I could to AVOID the conflict, walk away, talk in private as opposed to making it public, going silent and letting it go, and...if they just keep pushing...I'll just let them know to knock it the fuck off and leave me alone before I make them regret it. Beyond that? I've given you every warning in the book, and you wanted to keep going...so you just get what you get at that point. Too late to play the victim now. Because I gave you a hundred chances to back the fuck away from me and stop. Now...you just get demolished! Period. So take pride in knowing that you EARNED the tears that are sure to follow.

At least...that's how I used to be. Hehehe! Believe it or not, I've matured a lot since then. And I now know when people are just deliberately trying to push my buttons and pull triggers in order to get a reaction, or when they just feel entitled to my full, undivided, attention whenever they feel like it without giving anything back in return. It doesn't affect me anymore. Like....at all. It's weird, hehehe!

I've had friendships dissolve, falling outs with family members, had my heart broken more times than I can count, and have been criticized and insulted in the worst ways imaginable, over the years. But I am nowhere near as angry as I used to be. And a lot of that came with me being able to channel that energy into my stories and finally dealing with parts of those conflicts that I had with myself in the past. I can go back to those stories right now if I want, and I can see my brain working to stitch up the parts of my spirit that I once thought were all damaged beyond repair. And that pain, that anger, was transformed into something positive that I could actually use to entertain and inspire others instead of swallowing it down and holding onto it. It was like having a sack full of bricks sitting in the pit of my stomach...and I finally got rid of them. They don't hurt nearly as much they did before. And I think that's the biggest benefit of allowing yourself to be open enough to tackle those furious parts of yourself, and thread them into your story so that you can explore and expand your knowledge on those feelings in an unrestricted manner and really vent in a way that might be more healthy than you ever could have fathomed. It's just fiction at the end of the day, right?

Just feel the fury...and start writing. What's on your mind? What are you holding it back for? Let it go. BLEED for your art! It makes for the best creations ever!

::The Emperor's Voice:: “Let the hatred flow through you, Anakin! Gooood! Goooood!” Hehehe!

I've even found that I begin suffering with moment's of writer's block while trying to get through one story or another, simply because I had something really fucking with me mentally in ways that I couldn't let go of, because I was so ANGRY!!! How can I possibly be expected to write something 'romantic' or 'cute' when all I want to do is punch a hole in the whole world???

And...over time...the answer revealed itself to me. 'Write what's in your heart right now, Comsie. And don't compromise for anyone'. Take that frustration and that pain...and feed it into your stories. You've only got one life to share your voice with other people, and that's it. So use it! I won't lie...there's nothing more theraputec than being free to do that. This is your contribution to the world. Make it count.

Try it out some time if you find yourself in that particular frame of mind. Let loose once in a while. Give your civil tongue a rest and shout your personal bullshit out to the rest of the world when you feel you've had enough of holding it all in for the sake of somebody else's attitude. Fuck that. It feels good to get highlight it. Write it out, and let people know how you feel about the absolute horror that they constantly put you through when you're just trying to live a normal life like everybody else! DO IT! Why not?

And if they feel offended by it...GOOD! Now you know how I feel, asshole!

See? Isn't that much healthier than chopping your spouse up into little pieces and burying them in the woods, or shooting up your local Walmart? I certainly hope so. Hehehe!

I was working at a record store when I first began really writing a lot of new stories for the Shack. It expanded my sense of expression of everything that I was writing before that. Life experience and all that. But...music and movies is what I really know best when it comes to giving you guys a more interactive feel when it comes to me trying to explain how I found out the many ways that I do what I'm able to do with my stories. So I'll start there.

I can't lie...there was a time in the beginning when the whole 'Comicality' persona had completely overwhelmed me to the point of not being able to function in my normal life anymore. That seems like an ice age ago now, and the whole internet has changed since then...but I was dealing with heavy bouts of anxiety and paranoia and panic attacks on a daily basis. And on the other side? Severe hatred and judgment and criticism and online threats. I JUST wanted to write stories and be left alone! I did everything that I could to muster up the courage to keep going, but the amount of utter disgust and pressure and then the unbelievable praise and expectation to keep up a certain standard at all times...it was too much for me to deal with at the time. How am I going to top what I've already done with my stories? How can I not disappoint my readers? Will I ever be good enough? Am I safe? Will people out me to the whole world? Am I as sick and perverted as they make me out to be for my attractions? I wrote the story, "Untouchable", and you suddenly turn your backs on me? I'm controversial now? Now you hate me? That's fucked up! Did you even bother to read it? Fuck you TOO!!! 25 People talking to me all at once in a chatroom get mad at me for missing a message? I'm not a fucking celebrity! I'm a normal person! "You must *HATE* me, Comsie, because you won't give a total online stranger your home phone number and address and where you work and allow me to come visit you in person!!! And now I'm gonna HURT myself!!!" What do I do?

There was a time when the harassment was constant. And it was a lot for me to deal with while just trying to live a normal life. I was just a fucking abused kid who had gown up and was JUST finally finding a way to heal himself for the very first time ever...and now I'm responsible for hundreds of other people who are willing to carve me up like a Thanksgiving Turkey the SECOND I make a mistake? I didn't know if I was loved or hated and those feelings could turn on a dime, any day of the week. I remember being so ANGRY during that time, and I had to channel that into my stories in order to keep from going completely crazy. But those writing sessions ended up being a really cool therapy session for me. Because that anger had to go somewhere...and it was such a relief to not have to hold onto it any more.

My inner turmoil at that time? The anger, the 'celebrity' treatment, the idea that I needed to top "New Kid In School" or the "A Class By Himself" series, the hate mail and sick, bullying comments that I got over "Untouchable" from people that I once considered my friends...? It broke me down in a lot of ways. It really did. And I was trying to keep smiling through it all so I could still do all of the good things that I set out to do for those that really needed and appreciated the effort.

I think this Eminem and Marilyn Manson remix reflected my emotions during this time PERFECTLY...and this was during a time when I was close to having a total mental breakdown from being a 'personality' online. I just...wasn't ready. You know?

 

It was too much, too fast for me. And I really had a lot of problems trying to deal with it all at once like that. I was a very different person back then, but I think I had to go through that hell to find my way home again. If that makes any sense. But it was the variety of lessons that I learned during that time that allowed me understand the value of channeling my deepest, darkest, and most vulnerable, emotions into what I was writing. I think that anger is really easy to translate into words, as it doesn't care about subtlety or pulling punches once it gains momentum. And I've probably pounded my fingers against my keyboard enough times to be truly baffled that it even works anymore! Hehehe! But...as always...let me give some examples of my older work where some of my 'fictional anger' was clearly on display for everybody to see!

You know...because...'honesty'!

I think the first example that comes to mind for me was what I wrote in "My Only Escape" chapter 13. (https://gayauthors.org/story/comicality/myonlyescape/13), where I was literally working my ass off to put new chapters out and run the site, and keep up with the forums, and post to Nifty, and just...UGH!!! If only you guys knew how HARD it is to do this shit sometimes! It would blow your mind!

Well, I was writing this story as well as many others, and I had some hardcore critics that just kept looking for something to nitpick or bitch about, no matter WHAT I did! I was really putting forth a champion effort with every chapter that I was putting out. I was working soooooo hard. Like..."Come on! Can you at least give me some credit for the emotionally draining work that I put in?" But...haters gotta hate. You know? And I really got so fucking SICK of the backhanded comments that I couldn't hold them in anymore. So I exploded and wrote my truest feelings into the story, which does play in to the ideas I had for an ending to the entire series, but this particular chapter was unexpected. Enough is enough, you know?

I stopped arguing with these critics one on one, and I unleashed it all in one go, where the main character, 'Zack', was being hounded and disrespected and crushed by his writing teacher. Even though he was doing his best despite what was going on in his real life. It was a moment where I felt that I had to just let it all out and get a lot of that bullshit off of my chest. Again...anger weighs you down. And I was so fucking SICK of dealing with these people. So yeah...I used one of their favorite stories to spill my anger and disdain for what they were doing to me. And I hope they got the message. Because they pissed me the fuck off...and that's not easy to do. LOL!

Another big change for me as an author concerning this topic actually came from Book Six of the ebook favorite, "The Secret Life Of Billy Chase" series!

(https://imagine-magazine.org/store/comicality/)

This became one of the most controversial and divisive chapters in the entire "Billy Chase" saga. And, I'll be honest...I was updating on weekly basis at the time, writing Book Five...and all people did was complain. Too much sex, not enough sex, Billy's so STUPID, the 'secrets' are pissing me off...everybody had an opinion on how much they just HATED Billy Chase! But a majority of people just forgot that he was supposed to be a TEENAGER, you know? He doesn't know everything, he makes mistakes, he has selfish tendencies, he's vulnerable to lust and carnal pleasures...but people kept complaining about how fucking STUPID he was for a sweet kid who was just trying to live his life and figure things out the best way he knew how on his own. You know? But I reached a point where I was like, "OK!!! You fuckers want Billy to be a total asshole? Then let's do it! Let's go for it!" And my entire plan for Book Six changed from what it was originally supposed to be. Instead, I gave the readers what they thought they wanted from the story that I was trying to tell.

Let's just say that a vast majority of them ended up NOT liking the 'Billy' that they told me they wanted me to write. In fact, every week there was a huge discussion on the Comicality Library every week where people were super angry and rage quitting over what was going on at the time. "Ohhhh...the story sucks now, huh? Boo hoo! Maybe you should just let me write things MY way and stop bitching all the time about how you want it done YOUR way all the time."

If you have a story to tell? Then tell it. Stop trying to force other people to do it for you. You've got a blank screen, an idea, and a keyboard, just like the rest of us. So do your OWN dirty work. Ya know? Stop stressing out the creators who are trying to provide some literary fireworks for you guys, and maybe take thirty seconds once a month to say THANK YOU instead of feeling like your emotional tingles aren't coming from the extremely hard work of creative people who are trying to entertain you while hoping to get a pinch of validation every now and then.

If you think this shit is so easy? Then why don't YOU do it? See what it's like. Maybe then, you'll get it.

For those of you who were around the Shack Out Back at the time...you may remember that I actually 'quit' for a while some years ago. I made a public announcement, and tried to finish up whatever stories that I could...I had a countdown clock and everything. I seriously felt used and corrupted beyond anything that I thought would ever be possible from just being online, and I didn't know what to do with the emotions that I was dealing with at the time. Confused. Angry. Depressed. I felt like the site and my interactions with everybody online...was doing more harm than good. I know that most of you won't remember this, but I really did leave the 'Comicality' mantle for a couple of months, where I just didn't communicate with anybody at all. No stories. no chatroom. No emails. Nothing. One night, I just realized how much my online 'Comicality' personality was draining me and making me weak inside with no payback. So I just....'quit'.

I know that it came without warning, but I couldn't take any more. I was holding the anger and the sadness inside instead of pouring it into my stories where those feelings belonged.

I just wanted my life back, you know? Like...why am I doing this to myself? It's not like half of them care. And I felt like I was hurting people that did care by not giving them more than I was able to give. I had a teen boy actually cut himself because I couldn't meet him in person in Chicago. People who were heartbroken because I didn't answer their email fast enough. People who just...wanted more from me than I was willing to give for the sake of my own security and safety, you know? And that took me to a really dark place, because it was like being beaten by my father all over again. I'm not good enough. I suck. I'm no 'hero'. I screw up, daily! I just...I can't be what they need me to be. I can't call you on the phone every day, I can't be some 18 year old blond surfer, I can't buy you fancy things to make you happy. I just...I CAN'T! And that sentiment found itself into a lot of my stories as well. It was like a tight knot in the center of my stomach. And I lived with it every single day as it kept getting tighter. It was killing me inside.

When I left the Shack...no other song captures my honest feelings about that whole situation better than Fort Minor's, "Slip Out The Back". I mean....it just expresses soooo much of what I was feeling at that time. I wanted to keep going, but I kept getting hurt. I wanted to help other people, but I felt like I was hurting them instead. And I couldn't live with that. So I needed to vent my feelings into my stories in order to make sense of it all. Ugh...just listening to this song again, especially the third verse and chorus...it makes me a bit emotional, even now. It's like...you have so many people depending on you, and you don't know how to NOT fail, you know?

I mean..."Slip out the back, and at the worst, you'll see that nobody cares" is already a defining statement. But the rest of the lyrics just...wow. Yeah. That's what it felt like.

 

Hehehe, don't worry...we're almost done for this week! I know this is super long, but I'm going somewhere with all this, and then I'll return you to your regularly scheduled program.

The whole point of posting these songs here like this while talking about writing methods this time around is because...the artists that made these songs were really FEELING something when they made them. There was a venting process that they simply didn't want to hold back any longer, and they unleashed those emotions in a way that comes off as unrestricted and unapologetic. It was the fuel to their fire, and I could feel every last bit of their frustration when I listened to them. And, when I heard them for the very first time, myself...I felt a certain kinship with every lyric and the way it was delivered. And even though some of these songs that I keep on a personal playlist that I can now listen to and tap into that deep part of my feelings came after the situation that I went through...they still mean the same to me. I still get chills. And something about them gave me silent ‘permission' to channel my own emotions into my work the same way that they did. There are things that I can talk about now that I couldn't talk about before. My fictional version of self therapy saved me a TON of money from not having to go in for the real thing. Hehehe! And that's not endorsement to avoid professional help if anyone reading this feels that they should pursue it. Mental health is important, and should be handled by the professionals. But if you want to begin by simply finding an outlet where you can be honest about anything and everything that might be bothering you, or corrupting you from the inside...sometimes writing it down can be a gateway towards getting better. It forces you to organize your thoughts and actually define what is causing you so much pain and anguish. It makes you come up with a clear vision of what's hurting you...as opposed to imagining some kind of invisible monster and saying ‘life sucks'. Well, why? When did it happen? What caused it? Etc. Take some time to explore yourself when you're angry, and find the culprit. Then explain. Show your work. Hehehe, like a math problem.

Again, like I said...there's a responsibility that comes with this form of expression. Both to others and to yourself. If you want to fictionalize something tragic or painful in your life...then fictionalize it. If you had a break up with your current partner, and you write about someone with his look, and build, and name, and you put the whole situation out there where anybody reading can easily figure out who you're talking about? Well, that's not self therapy. And it's not fiction. It's an attack. Basically a declaration of war that will more likely than not end up making your situation much much worse than it was before. So...hehehe, don't. Just...don't.

It's going to be tempting, I know. But try not to slander another person, or overpower them with your perspective of what went down in the first place. I think, in a lot of ways, that's an abuse of the power we wield as writers. It can be a slippery slope, and fiction should be more about your emotional expression than simply airing your dirty laundry for everybody else to see. It's a fine line, but one you can walk with perfect balance if your intentions are pure. Even when you're angry.

Don't aim at ‘targets'. Captivate readers. There's a difference. Leave enough room for them to relate to your feelings while comparing it to the things they've been through. Stories work better that way, in my opinion.

Alrighty, I'm done. Hehehe! That felt like a rant in itself, didn't it? But for those who didn't know where some of these pieces of my past stories came from (and possibly future pieces as well), so that you can possibly begin building a guide for a few emotional releases of your own in whatever it is that you may decide to write next. Cool?

It can be a really useful and relieving tool for both you and your readers! And the personal growth that you experience in the long run is unfathomable. I speak from experience.

Nowadays...I think I appreciate the complaints, the criticism, the supposed ‘triggers', the public humiliation. Because I'm free from a lot of the baggage that I was carrying with me when I first started. I've been called every name in the book now. The well's run dry. And I'm still here. It's not my fault that some people are perpetually miserable, and it's not my responsibility to make them feel better with the next chapter of a story of their choosing. Hehehe, I've been around for 25 years now, you guys. Those tricks are soooo stale now. A shrug of the shoulders, a roll of my eyes, and I'm right back on task where I need to be.

There was a time when I forgot who was in control here. But I remember now. And they can deal with it...or not. Not my problem anymore. It never was. And I don't miss those emotional tantrums of mine. Such a waste of time.

This song from Jill Scott? Every single lyric speaks to how I treat the whole situation now! Hehehe, and the inner misery of the people who caused it! LOL! It feels so good! You have no idea! MWAH!!!

 

I hope this helps you guys out when it comes to your writing! I know it reads like I'm just talking about me me me, but honestly...it's about finding an important link between rough times and the artists experiencing them. It's not something that can be taught. It can only be noticed, and then developed by creating a process of your own to weave it into your work when you sit down behind this keyboard. There's got to be something within you that you want to get off of your chest. Something angry, something sad, some regret...weed it out, and try building a story around it. Something honest that will help you deal with it and, eventually...let it go.

Take care! And I'll seezya next time!