For the first time in a very long time, I cried tonight. I think I needed it though. I don’t know how long it’s been since the last time I just let it all go. Despite the fact that it was cold and rainy, it felt good.

It’s been raining here for the past few hours so there’s a huge puddle around my car that’s about 6 inches deep and only getting bigger. Try getting into your car with 6 inches of water all around it. It’s not easy. But I went to the park to think again tonight. I didn’t have a chance to do that in Missouri for a while because it was too damn cold, so it felt good just to stand out there and think while it was raining.

I don’t know what it is about going to the park while it’s raining, but it’s always been a sort of comfort zone for me. The rain drives everyone else inside so you’re completely alone. It’s dark and the rain completely consumes you. The natural rhythm of the rain and occasional thunder calms you down. Anyway, this blog isn’t really about me standing like an idiot in the rain for an hour, but more of what I was thinking about while doing that.

I think I’m at a point in my life where I’m ready to change. I want to change. I need to change. I’m sick of hiding who I am. I’m always avoiding certain conversations with people because it could lead to my sexuality, and I’m tired of not being able to be myself. I had a small taste of that life in Missouri. For the short time that I was there, I came out to a lot of people, I made friends that accepted who I was, I had a boyfriend, and I was able to be myself around people for once. I don’t have that here, but I want it. And I think now is the time to do something about it.

I really did have a lot more to say when I was walking around in the rain. I was able to think a lot better out there. If only my laptop was waterproof. Bah! So to make a long story short because I don’t want to rethink everything, I’ll sum it up in a few sentences.

My life sucks right now, and I’m ready for change. I know what I want to do, I’m just not sure if I should do it. Even if I go ahead and decide that I want to be open and be myself, I’m not really sure how to accomplish that. As hard as it is for me, I am willing to risk losing a few friends over being myself. If my brother and sister don’t like it, so be it. Just because we live in the same house doesn’t mean we have to be friends. I think I’m at that point in life where I either continue living like I do for the next 5 years and hiding who I am until I move out on my own and start a ‘new’ life, or I start living my life like I want to right now.

It seems like such a simple decision, but it still scares the shit out of me.

Joe

(Who wishes it would never stop raining)