Okay, so how's it going, guys? My MSN list is officially a wasteland. Once upon a time, I could sign in and have wondrously meaningful and interesting or at least just random funny conversations at any time of day or night. Now... there is never a soul online. I have like five people that I ever speak to, and everyone else is just... gone. My solution: greeneyeliner39429@hotmail.com, come entertain me sometime. Yah, random, but I like having people to talk to and I like being social sometimes. Problem is that no one wants to be social when I want to be social.

Switch in subject, finances... my financial situation is just f**ked up, lol. I know that probably everyone in the national average is right where I am, too, but goddamn, why is it this difficult? It's like I start life automatically in debt and I have to claw through all of that first before I can ever have anything of my own, and then it's just... rawr, it's annoying. So, what am I going to do about this? Not a f**king thing. There's nothing I CAN do to change any of it, at least not yet. I sincerely wish I could, knowing what I know now, go back in time about four or five years. I would be absolutely filthy f**king rich right now, and would be in much better shape in all ways, lol. As it is, life is a waiting game.

People ask me...

Why don't you get a job, Jamie? Answer: because I don't have a car, and therefore cannot work at any place where I cannot reach on foot. Also, working would have to fit my class schedule and everything else, and I just don't know of any job that would bend quite that much for me.

Why don't you get a car, Jamie? Surely, you could get a loan or get relatives to help you? Answer: no, I can't. I have a DUI on my record. Therefore, I have to get SR-22 insurance, which is a lot of money. I don't have a license because of that. Through all of that idiocy and drama, I cannot obtain basic needs for living for another couple years.

Why do you have a DUI, Jamie? Isn't that silly? Why would a smart boy like you do something like that? Answer: I was on Prozac at the time. I was also on Ambien. I was also severely depressed, suicidal, and just plain f**king crazy. The Prozac made everything I did seem like it was me watching myself in a movie. The normal inhibition against doing stupid shit was completely gone. Therefore, it seemed like a good idea to get drunk. It also seemed like a good idea to get in a car. It seemed like a grand idea up until I was in handcuffs. Truthfully, I don't even remember much of anything until the handcuffs part. If I had any legal recourse, I would take it. However, I'm sure that no lawyer would be willing to help without any sort of evidence or ANYTHING to back up my story, and no way to get anything out of it. Pfizer covers their ass well, and there's no way to go up against someone who makes billions of dollars and has you-don't-even-f**king-know-who in their pocket, and point a finger at them saying 'you gave me medication that you knew is not safe for a sixteen year old suicidal, clinically depressed, diagnosed with anxiety boy'. It just doesn't work.

Well, Jamie, why don't you make a sincere effort to change things? Answer: I am, dipstick, I'm in college now.

Well, Jamie, why are you so annoyed with your situation? Answer: Because I can do absolutely nothing to change anything, and all I can do is sit and wait, wasting valuable years of my life, which is probably already shortened considerably by years of abuse on my liver and kidneys. Pretty f**king certain the kidneys'll go in my 40's sometime, and I'd like to have enough money to bribe new ones outta somebody.

Jamie, it seems like you're just being emo... why worry about it so much? Answer: 'Cause at this rate, I will not be happy and content with life for years to come. I am not a patient person. I don't believe in patience. I think patience is a copout piece of shit virtue, anachronistically prescribed to people because they want them to just shut the f**K up and deal with things the way they are. I want to be happy NOW, and there's no reason I can't be.

Well, Jamie... why are you talking about all this? Answer: AHA! I'm glad you asked!

I have surmised that, if I were to be an evil, vile, despicable, two-faced, terrible, godawful person, I could get whatever I wanted. Yeah, I might not be the hottest guy in the world. I'll have ya know right now though, I could use some things to my advantage. Go have my hair fixed nice and short so the curls will stick out a bit, and give it that messy, oblivious, I-don't-know-how-to-fix-my-hair look. Then, do a few situps. After that, shell out a few dollars for a body wax; get rid of anything above the waste, and do some trimming elsewhere. Spend some money on some tighter, little kid clothes. Buy briefs with dinosaurs and racecars and the like. Drop the smoking, and make sure I shave every day.

Find a nice older man with lots of cash and a lot to lose if I happen to say some things to certain people, and happens to have an interest in young men. Hang around said older man a good bit, with pants low enough to show off the dinosaurs and racecars. Pull some shady shit, and eventually I have a fountain of cash begging me to keep my mouth shut. That's at the extreme... there are plenty who I could just be real "nice" to and get anything I wanted from. All I have to do is be heartless and lowdown enough to take advantage of other people, use them for my own ends, and throw them the f**K away when they're no longer useful.

Through methods like this, I could get absolutely anything I wanted as far as money goes. However, money is not the only thing that makes me happy. Money is a big part of it, but that's not the game. The point is that I want the money to spend in a way that promotes the wellbeing and happiness of people I care about. All of it's pointless if I don't have anyone who REALLY cares about me just because I'm me. There's a big difference between people who throw money or whatever at you because you can give them something they want, and people who would give you the earth and sky if they could because they love you and want you to be happy.

Why do you think I do such crazy shit as far as boys are concerned? I've had more than one come after me. A few of them have been quite well off, and VERY nice to me, genuinely interested. I could take advantage of that, but the relationship would be utterly meaningless. That's why I'm currently chasing someone who probably has not a tenth of the interest I have in him, and who I think is really f**king nifty. A relationship with him would actually MEAN something, as opposed to the bullshit possible with other people. Yeah, it's really difficult... and I've seriously considered completely giving up on the boy. Nearly everything I do is just... like headbutting a wall with him. I'm not saying he doesn't care, because obviously he does or he would've been like "yo... um... get away from me..." before now. It's more like he's just disinterested, oblivious... kinda like he's not looking at things the same way I am. And that's cool, too. If it changes, it changes. If it doesn't, it doesn't. Either way, what happens will happen and I can't do anything to change it other than do my best to do the right thing in regards to friendship and relationship.

I do, however, get frustrated. I get extremely frustrated, lol. For instance, every single person I've ever kissed has been... well... very happy with it. Yes, I know this for a fact because not only did each one of them come back for more, I've asked a few that I'm actually good, close friends with now and know would tell me the truth unconditionally, and they've backed up my suspicions. However, I have come to find that if another person doesn't want to kiss you, the kiss isn't going to be worth shit. You'll feel it, too. It just feels... I dunno... like you're doing something really dumb and kinda gross. That has sorta changed, but it's changed in odd ways. I've just learned that no matter what I feel or think, nobody else is any more likely to think or feel the same just because I do. People have their own little minds, and their own little weirdnesses, and their own GODDAMN TERRIBLE f**kING DEVIL EGOS FROM HELL, and their own self-centered, oblivious moments. Also... nearly no boy on the face of the earth is as touchy feely and f**king girly as I am.

Digressing, but that's true, lol. I'm so fragile it annoys even me, hehe. ANY little thing messing up, anything going wrong, anything not reciprocated, any differences in opinion or practice or ideas or whatever... it affects me much more than other boys. I'm just... I think like a girl. I don't know why. I over examine, prod, poke, annoy, and drive people insane with my curiosity and desperate need for affection, attention, acceptance, and most of all, reciprocation of feelings.

ANYWAY. Now that I've had a wonderful rant on the things that I've been thinking about, I'm going to put all of that outta my mind. I have serious business to get to as soon as I get back to school, but for now, I have one more week to waste. I'm gonna do absolutely f**king nothing stressful. I'm not going to think about anything stressful.

And oh my sweet jesus... I just heard my sister say... "I go for more of the... 'steal your children in the middle of the night' kind of guy." I have officially been disturbed beyond belief, and will now go do something mindless. Have a wonderful day/night/afternoon/morning/whatever! I love you all, except the ones who I don't love, but generally I love you all.