Mixed Feelings

[xander]

I've been best friends with my friend since sixth grade and im currently in nineth. In eighth grade, I started to have strange feelings for him and I still don't know if he is gay or what, but when we started to get closer (nothing happened ), this girl asked him out and they've been going out for awhile. When they started going out, he started to put me second and I know some of it may be jealously, but I want to be with him. I prayed a few times if God would give me some sign of what to do or what to feel and I think I got a response. I had emailed one of my old favorite teachers for her opinion what carreer would be best for me and she replied with an answer and more. She said that what she worries most about in young people like myself is if we find someone that we can make happy and that that person can multiply our happiness beyond wonder. When I read that, the person that popped into my mind was my best friend. I'd like to see how my friend feels but there are a few milestones. One, his girlfriend, and two, about a week ago, one of my girl friends asked me out so I guess we're going out too. I don't really care what happens to his girlfriend because she's a witch to me, but I don't want to hurt this girl because she's been a good friend of mine for a while. But though all that, I really want to be with my friend and maybe, if God allows it, have a life together with him someday because he fits my teachers description perfectly. I am so confused......any suggestions??

 

Thanks,

 

Xander

[Crackerwriter]

Given your likely age, give it time, eh? And don't put your hopes too high that things will go your way, then you won't suffer dreadful depression if they don't.

 

It's unfortunate that feelings we have for special friends aren't always reciprocated, and the feelings you have for him may not be returned the way you're hoping. It maybe that the best you can hope for is that he will remain a good friend to you.

 

Give it time, and time will tell. Do be careful not to make your feelings known to him too soon and unless you are fairly sure that either his are similar, or that he will not cast you off even as a friend, when you do tell him.

 

Good luck, and for your sake I hope you are right about your friend. Just err on the side of caution.

[DomLuka]

I agree. Use caution and give it time. It sounds like youre still trying to figure out who you are. Your friend seems like a great guy. And, you probably hate hearing it but you're still young. My advice is to figure out your feelings before you try to figure out his. Maybe it would help to find a guidance councilor who you can trust, or talk to your teacher again and let her know how you're feeling about all of this.

 

I also found this web page a few days ago that has some useful information for gay or questioning teens Cool Page for questioning teens

I wish you the best of luck.

Smiles, Dom

[Aleric]

Xander,

 

although others are right if they want to spare you a heartache, I believe

it didn't answer your real question. The fact alone that he is dating a girl

doesn't say much, after all, you are dating a girl too now right? What are

you going to do when she kisses you? My advise would be, don't tell her

that you are gay - that would hurt her feelings and she might get, as a result,

so mad at you that she will tell everyone else too. Well, unless you want

that of course . Instead, if you don't feel for her, take the responsibility

for that on a per-relationship basis. That is, it didn't work out, but it could

have been as far as you were concerned. That is, act as if you think that

you are straight or bi-sexual, just don't mention it. So, follow your heart

and do what you like, but don't do what you don't like (trying to hurt her

feelings as little as possible). Don't use the "excuse" that you are gay towards

her, ok? A straight boy can dislike a certain girl too! And a relationship doesn't

have to be black and white, you can say: this is ok, that I don't want. No need

to explain.

 

Then about your friend. Try not to get sad. Being sad won't help at ALL.

People like happy people. Now that is easier said then done... how to

stop yourself from being sad? Well,.. by putting yourself over it I am afraid.

You can tell yourself that he is straight, so you will never have (sexual) relationship

with you and he will put a lot of time into his girl friend. If you can accept that,

then you can continue to be friends. If that is not acceptable for you, then

maybe you should chose to aim your attention on other boys? About 5% of

the boys on your school will be gay. Try to make 20 cute friends (just ask them

what their name is, and if they like movies too or something , its really that

easy - and smile heheh. Who don't have girl friends ... and I am SURE one

of them will fall in love with you! When I complained in the past that I had no

(boy)friend, a wise friend of me said: that is because you don't have friends.

Make more acquaintances. Acquaintances become friends, friends become

lovers. That is the way it works. So, don't ignore people because you don't

feel the same for them as you feel your current friend! If you do that you will

end up lonely. Keep smiling and making new acquaintances, also when they

don't look cute ok? Via them you will get to know other boys (their friends)

and so on. That is how it works. The secret here is always that you are content

(and happy) with yourself. You can only start a friendship without expecting a

relationship when you are, in principle, happy all by yourself and with who you are.

That is the reason that people always say: figure first our who you are; and then,

try to love yourself. Only then you can do the above with a smile, make lots of

acquaintances who will all love your happy company, make friends from them,

who will also like your company when you are sad, and finally find the lover

between those friends.

 

I always say: don't expect. If you don't expect you will be able to enjoy whatever

happens to you. If you have expectations, then things can only be different and

you will not see what you DO have.

 

Ah, and the advise that I'd give ANY boy your age: find yourself an aikido club

and join it; and stick with it for many, many years (forever?). I promise you, it

will be the VERY BEST investment you can do with your young life and it will

cause your life to change, for the better - a lot better most likely! Just do it, and

you'll understand what I mean in a couple of years.

 

Love, Aleric

Edited February 1, 2005 by Aleric

[xander]

WOW- that was a lot. I thank you guys that replied but I still feel so confused. Before I continue more, I'll be 16 in July. My friend has given me so many clues over the years that he may be gay or bi, but I don't know if he is just joking or being silly or if he wants me to feed off of them. We have so many things in common and yet we're different and I know that if I do turn out to be gay, he's the one I want. I just wish like I could ask him if he was gay and tell him I was and see how he replied and undo it if he took it the wrong way or got freaked out.

 

I do like the girl I'm going out with but only as a friend. I'm kinda stuck and wish she would break up with me so that we could just be friends because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings if I did the breaking up.

 

Back to my friend....he's also kinda stuck if he had feelings for me and we told each other our feelings because his girlfriend was suicidal for awhile and I know he does care for her and would'nt want her to do anything crazy. She had counseling and I don't know what her current state is but I think she would be happy with any hot guy because that's what attracted my friend to her. I just wish we could just be happy with each other because I am almost possitive he is gay or bi.

 

Xander

[Crackerwriter]

To be honest, if he's bi, that won't make you terribly happy, because you won't have 100% of his attention, will you? And it sounds as that's what you'd like.

 

I think like others said, you need to sort out who you are yourself, first. Are you gay but using a girlfriend as cover? Or do you enjoy a female body too? It's difficult at your age I know, as even though now I know I'm gay myself, I know very well I was quite able to maintain an interest in a girlfriend at your age. I'm hardly surprised you're confused.

 

One thing you could try out, though you'd have to go about it with extreme caution, and that would be when you're both on your own some time, to get your friends views on homophobic people. If there's someone you know who is really badly homophobic, you could get your friends views on what he thinks of them rather than someone who seems quite tolerant. Having an offhand seemingly innocent discussion about homophobia, might give you a lot of clues as to his feelings about it and possibly warn you if he was liable to have a reaction you didn't want before 'coming out' to him!

 

Just another possibility you could think of trying some time, but pick the right moment when he seems in a very friendly mood!

[xander]

We've kinda done that. He kinda says it jokingly but he "acts" kinda homophobic. I know he's not probably because he does kinda gay gestures but not really but yea. Like our Math teacher gives us suckers (yea kinda weird that she's givin 9th graders suckers but yea) and he looks at me funny and pulls it in and outta his mouth and then laughs so I don't know if he's joking or what.

 

If I was gay and he was gay, I know we could have a great life because we've always been there for each other and helped each other and though we've never said it for the fear of the reaction of the other, I know we love each other. I've always said that someday I want to have a loving wife and kids and I would like to experience having a kid and yea but I have always had a more then a slight attraction for guys. There are some girls that I'm attracted to and those are mostly the popular preppy time and kinda snotty but I am kinda attracted to them.

 

Guys, let me know if someone finds or invents a redo-er machine, lol.

[DomLuka]

Sounds like mixed signals from your friend there. Maybe if he acts homophobic around you (joking or otherwise) you can hint that it makes you uncomfortable and see how he reacts to that. Maybe it'll give you a better idea.

 

Whether or not he's gay I hope it works out for you. Just remember that friends for life are just as important as life partners. Best of luck.

 

Smiles, Dom

[Umbathri]

hmm.. guess I hit quote instead of edit.. sorry

Edited February 3, 2005 by Umbathri

[Umbathri]

DomLuka has a very good point.

Edited February 4, 2005 by Umbathri

[Aleric]

And I once caught him wearing a bra.  He told me he liked to crossdress and sometimes felt like a girl.  I mean could the signs be any clearer? 

[...]

He went into the army and is now married with 3 kids.

 

Sexual attraction and how one feels are not entirely correlated.

Did you know that most male crossdressers are straight?

That means, they feel 'female' but they still hit on females.

 

Aleric

[DomLuka]

 

Sexual attraction and how one feels are not entirely correlated.

Did you know that most male crossdressers are straight?

That means, they feel 'female' but they still hit on females.

 

Aleric

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

That's true. I don't think its fair to label people based on fetishes.