Com's Overdue "5CBC" Reviews

[Comicality]

 

I'm still reading more chapters of this story beyond the 5th because I'm really interested in seeing how this one is going to turn out. So kudos to Darion for that, because you 'got' me. One thing that I noticed about this story, and I notice this with a lot of others as well, is a few missed opportunities for those extra details that could really put a gloss on a story. Because there's a depth and a lure there that you could really take advantage of with just a FEW more paragraphs per scene.

 

Right from the very beginning, the first thing that entered my mind was, "Whoah, Darion could have TOTALLY 'milked' that wet dream scene!" (So to speak! Hehehe!) To start a story off like that is already a huge 'pull' into what's happening. Readers might respond to that. But don't be shy about it. Stretch it out a bit. Doesn't have to be pages and pages long, but a really hot description of a blowjob fantasy at the beginning of a story would definitely get people to lean forward in their chairs and want to know more about what's going on. Even if it's just dream. Definitely explore that a bit more. The feel of the lips, the tongue, what is he thinking? They're little details, but it's like...seasoning your food in a restaurant. Fix it just the way you want it, and make it as tasty as possible.

 

There were a few things that I would also love to know more about, and I'm not sure if you went more in depth with the explanations in the future chapters, but I figured that I'd mention them here. Reese is very cool character, and he's great. However, I was looking at the interactions with his mom, Chantel, and Dad, Mike...and I was curious as to why they were even together. Because his mom comes off as being sooo incredibly sweet. And his dad comes off as being really selfish and mean. Which, individually, both characters are realistic enough to be believable. But they seem, to me, like they would be oil and water as far as a relationship is concerned. Especially one with a teenager involved. It's not IMPOSSIBLE, but I'd love to know some more about their dynamic as a family unit. I think I was a little thrown by that.

 

Also, you mentioned that Reese's mom and his best friend both knew about his sexuality. Now, again, that might only take a paragraph or two to explain, but there's an opportunity for even more depth there. I, as a reader, would kinda like to hear that story. How did he tell his mom? How did Jason react to it at first? How did Reese get the courage to do it, or was it just a matter of finding the right time to say it out loud? That piece of the back-story, I think, will make him an even more developed and well rounded character. How he sees his own sexuality and how 'open' he is or isn't about it could be a complex part of the story if you weave it in there just right.

 

(Oh.not sure if you noticed, or if I just read it wrong, but I believe in Chapter 4 somewhere you mentioned that Reese's mom DIDN'T know about him being gay. But I thought she did earlier. So you might want to check that out. I either got that wrong the first time or the second time.)

 

Diego! Sounds VERY cute! Hehehe! Another part where using a bit more details could make him even more lovable and even downright sexy! Just starting with the act of boy watching at the mall...that's brilliant. That's another character trait to explore. It's not just the act of boy watching...but HOW he boy watches, that will tell your readers what kind of boy watcher he is. What is this hormone frenzy like for him? We've all done it before, so tap into that and bring it to life. What is he attracted to? Is he staring at cute hair, pretty smiles, and bright eyes? Or is he staring at bulges and bubble butts? Maybe both. There's a whole scene there that you could add with him checking boys out and commenting on what's cute about them in his mind. It's something that all of your audience has done before, so they'll be able to relate to that. And it gets them even more involved in the character and the story itself.

 

I would also dive much more deeply into that first meeting with Diego. DEFINITELY go further with that! I know that you're developing him as a character as you go along, but that FIRST initial meeting...I would seriously devote some more time into letting the readers know more about who he is. Take some time to make him beautiful to the readers the way he's beautiful to you. Like...you mentioned them meeting, and him being cute, and him giving Reese his number. That ALONE could be an entire chapter in itself. With those first few awkward attempts to talk to a perfect stranger, then leading to them warming up to one another, maybe finding out they have one or two things in common. Let them smile at each other a little bit, maybe even flirt a little. Those moments in life are golden. Explore them to the fullest. And then...right before they go their separate ways...the anxiety behind asking for another boy's phone number...and actually 'getting' it...and the joy that follows! You just got the number of the hottest boy in the mall, what does that feel like? Write it down, put it in the story. The readers will get excited if YOU get excited.

 

So, like I said, I'll definitely read more when I get a chance, because I see the story leading into different directions that I'm curious about. But I hope this helps! I think you have a great idea going, just remember to see each individual scene as it's own story, and fill it in with as many details of beauty and grace as you can pack in there. Visualize it, put yourself in the moment, and then explain it for everyone else to share the moment with you. You've got the draw, they're giving you the attention, all you have to do now is put on a show.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Darion]

Thanks Com. I'm working on that as I speak. So far I've rewritten Chapters 1-4 and put more detail in them. But I'm stuck as to how I'm gonna redo chapters 4 and 5. Those were crucial parts of the story and I want them to be perfect. So it may take a while before I get anything else posted. But I'm working on it! Love you!<3