Depression

[JOeKEool]

Hi everyone,

I'm new here. I'm Joe. Been reading stories for a while. First time at forum. I fight depression every day for as long as I can remember. Age 12??? or so.

This thread is so great. Please keep it going.( And I will too). Mark92, heres a big hug for you. More anytime you feel the need OK? Hang in there,your making progess. For me its now hours- and minutes- at-a- time. One-day-at-a-time got too hard. I know I'm going about things the wrong way. I'm isolating myself and pulling away from ? society? life? I don't know. I think I might be manic or Bi-polar. Just from observation. Can't afford and don"t trust or want doctor therapy or meds. They are in it for the money.Not to help it seems. I have just made peace with the fact that I'm GAY. That might be the first time I said it!!!! I might be bi but gay(ness) is gay(ness) I think. I wish someone could study LBGT and depression. They seem to coexist. Homophobia has a bearing on that,I'm sure. It's hard to feel being yourself is wrong. My internal voice tells me I'm wrong,too. How do you fight that?

I'm gonna ramble some here. SO NICE to have someone/where to say it. I've had the uber religous upbringing. I try to find a place for God in my psyche, but the one I was taught to OBEY is not one I like very much. I'm 5o+ and a virgin so maybe I'm not really gay. Was married for 30+ years.That was not fun!!!! One great son and 3 wunderfull grandkids are the upside tho. I devote my time to the kids as much as I can. I feel like I should have all this insight about life and happiness and love and pass it on to them. They seem more grounded and mature than me sometimes. I just make sure they know I love them and always will. They give me more than they know in return. They are 8 and 10. I wish I could shelter them from the bull that life is bound to give them,but they have to face their own destiny. I will be here for what support and help I can give. How would they react if they really knew me? That's what gets so hard. The damn depression is hard enough to try to express to anyone.I can't tell anyone Ithink I'm gay. I did tell one friend about a year ago. Not (quote: I'm gay) but I write /wrote some poetry with a decided gay slant. Of course I got the "It's a sin" speech. Nothing more has been said. We are still friends. He knows my internet tastes are for gay erotica and gay porn.But I told him I didn"t label myseff as gay. Anyway,(Ellen DeGenerous quote there). A lot of my depression comes from being a very sensitive,expressive ,loving person who can't be who I know I am. Do others feel this way,too? Childhood traumas add to depression ,too. If I expressed any need or problem my folks told me God will provide. Just pray. Boy ,did I pray. Wasn't very helpfull. I hope I don't discourage anybody from turning to god,religion church,whatever. Thats is so not my point.It just didn't fill my void. I just recently got into gay stories. I don't think I associated "gay" with love and commitment in my vague ideas of what gay was.I wanted LOVE so much,make that want, and have seen so many stories that bring out just how deep and fulfilling a relationship can be. It gives me hope. Not much, but it gives me hope that I could find "that guy". I will be here. PLEASE keep this going. Love you,Joe

[JOeKEool]

Hey it's me again.

I just saw the post from Roan. Did I " see" you at ARBN.Tristan and G and all the gang? I'd sure like to know what became of them.

I'm brand new here ,but let me say,welcome. I too feel relief knowing I'm not alone.

Love,Joe

[Roan]

Hi Joe.

 

First - love and hugs coming right at you.

 

Second - thanks for being strong enough to share.

 

Third - You wil be ok because you deserve to be ok.

 

Finally - I think you must have the wrong Roan. Which means I must find the other one right now and kill them because there can be only one Seriously though you now know another Roan it seems, I hope I'm as nice as the other one.

[JOeKEool]

Hi Roan,

Thanks for the love and the hugs and the support.

I used to follow a story by Tristan called A Rentboy Named...

One day it was gone. And the community that grew around it.

Hope they are all OK

Sorry you're not him.

Glad to meet you.

He was from down under if I'm not mistaken.

Please don't kill anybody-Ha-Ha-You're both good people with a good name.

Know your loved,Joe

 

 

Is there a thread on here where I could ask about Tristan?

It's off-topic here

Thanks for any help-from anybody

Joe

Edited January 17, 2012 by JOeKEool

[Mark92]

Hello Joe

Thank you so much for sharing

My mum's whole religeon thing wasnt god, but her version of it, and her cronies too. Now I am athiest and not afraid to say so.

My circumstances living in the middle of nowhere, meant I didnt get all the "It's a sin to be gay" I didnt know I was until after my mum had died and I bought some gay porn. Then it was YUK girls and MMMM to men LOL

I am doing a self-heal thing, but I have a goal. I met my BF here on GA and he helps me so much. I also have to say if it wasnt for him, I have no reason to leave. I have everything here.

There are honest, genuine, kind people here Joe. I hope you will keep coming back and thank you so much for the hug, right back atcha

[JOeKEool]

Hey Mark,

Man I feel for you. You seem to have dealt with it well,all considered.Cliche,I know ,but one day at a time.

That's all we can do.

I can't shake religion off totally.I wish I could.It's too deeply engrained,Iguess.

I can't find a a "place"for it in my life either tho.

My folks are 24-7 praise the lord jesus freaks. I know thats not for me.

I try to be "spiritual" without all the formal definition of God, heaven, whatever.

Just some other dimension where nothing is physical. Not working but I keep trying.

 

It feels so good just to express all this crap. Thank you so much,everybody here, for what you do and who you are.

And I will be around.

 

I have some poems I'll try to get posted.

stuff I wrote a while back.

 

I have one for you guys now tho.

I think it belongs here.

(see next post) All my love,

Joe

 

 

P.S. to post about Rent boy story.(in my post above)

I found a post on another blog just now.

people made life hard for Tristan because of the nature of his story. H e felt he had to take it down

Squeegee,James and all the boys.I'll always have you in my heart along with Tristan and his whole tribe of fans.

Edited January 17, 2012 by JOeKEool

[JOeKEool]

I posted this as content

 

SEE: "A POETIC TRIBUTE TO GAY AUTHORS"

[Mark92]

Hey mister your good

 

Yeah you do need to post this and more

 

I dont see myself as brave or a survivor or any of that. My childhood was what I thought was normality. I was no different to any one else. Because I had no other option of knowing.

There are lots here similar to me. The circumstances may be different but its still abuse of some kind. Be it verbal, physical or mental.

Some say I should be sorry for my mum. That she must have had a mental illness. Well it didnt carry inot her farming knowledge or the shit she used to feed the doctor about my scars and swellings, bruises, welts. I still carry those scars. Mentally and physically.

I've started telling memories in poems and stories. Bits here and there, that are being set free from a locked tight sub-concious.

I wish to welcome you to GA Joe. I hope you're as happy here as I am

[JOeKEool]

Hey again,Mark

I feel right at home here. First time in a while i've felt like this.Or ever,maybe.

I can't fathom how anyone can be so hurtful.

And you a child.(tear)

And then your own mom(sobs)

You are very strong. you are making it better.

And you're making it better for me and a lot of friends here.

I think I'm trying to create an isolated world of my own.

You seem to have one forced on you, and want freedom.

Want to trade for a while?

Seriously,keep writing and letting it out. That's the best therapy ever.

When I get writing stuff comes out that I didn't know was there.

I can only write whern I get "manic"(don't like labels...but it fits)

Most of the time I'm brain dead and can't put two words together.

I had a major ...Eh...episode I'll call it....about 2 years ago.

Jumped out of bed and sobbed out tons of really dark poetry.

Honestly, I had never written anything before.Never. And I tried many times.

Then here I was trying to write fast enuff yo keep up with the brain .

My friend , the religiouse guy, said I had the Holy Spirit.

That kind of freaked me out. But, it was like a "religous experience" it was all so profound.

I had a 2nd "episode" last fall. I knew what to expect and diddn't get overwhelmed,but it's such a let-down when it goes away.

I'm hoping this time (now seems to be a 3rd episode) I can learn to hold onto it.

Or...Maybe I have to just learn to let go of it,and love and appreciate it without doubts and fears

Hey, mark,can I just come and talk to those pigs of yours.I'm sure they grasp life better than we mere humans ever will.

Put them on IM ? Skype?

anyway (I wish I had a tape of Ellen D to insert here)AAAANYwaaay, Mark,evrybody here. Thanks for letting me vent.I hope the web site host does'nt charge by the column - inch??. If I can be of help to anyone ,I'm here. Email or IM on my profile add.

[Mark92]

I have been trying to get a panel together thats more perminant than this thread. Thats why I am so eager to keep it going. Its somewhere to vent or just to say "hey this happened to me"

All I need to write is the first sentence and then it just flows. My latest piece is a 3 chapter love story and I wrote 5,000 words in less than an hour.

I keep saying that so many have contributed to keeping this going, and so many more I want to just vent. It does help.

I have 4 breeding sows and 26 piglets, so life is tough at the moment, and the weather is against me. Add that too 24 chickens (more coming) A dog and three cats. Two of them show cats. I'm kept busy. My chores are from 4:45am to about 11:00am and then my time is my own.

I love it all including the washing,ironing, baking, cleaning, log chopping. Its the lonliness that got to me. A little easier now with Baz being here. But I'm still incredibly lonely. The isolation is the biggest thing. I dont have traffic or people noise, so when it is quiet it is deafening silence.

Here I can be the me I want to be. Thanks Joe

[JOeKEool]

Hey Mark,me again. We are going to keep this thing going .

Thanks for the kudos and the like on my little poem.

And Celes,Hi,here's a hug OK .Thanks for the like,too. Things have been tuff for you. I'm sorry.

Mark,keeping busy is good therapy. Sounds like you have things under control. I have zero motivation for anything anymore.

I don't keep things up around here at all. My son has frozen pipes tho.I have to take care of that.I'm killing time till sunup.

My toilet stopped up last night.I haven't checked it,might have another project today. My system crashed sometime last night and rebooted itself.

So far it seems to be OK. I just got back on real internet access. I was stuck with only my phone.And only a very limited like flip phone.Pretty much text only and page up and page down the extent of any navigation.Hey,but that's how I got here,looking for stories I could read on my phone.

There seemed to be a few "feel good" christian sites and erotica to choose from. You know what I chose.Why aren't there mystery and horror and "normal " sites out there? Did I say normal. Not implying we are abnormal OK. This site is not phone-friendly,by the way. Better than some tho.And the phone would just decide to make it as hard as possible at times,too. Wow am I rambling? Mark you say you didn't know your life wasn't normal. I didn't have the abuse you went thru.But I had many times I realized things were different for me that I had always looked at as normal.I kind of know how you feel. I guess I still feel "different" because I missed a lot of the things other kids experienced. Then,as a teen, I tried to make up for it. I didn't get too crazy, but eh... had some fun .

Thanks for listenning. I better go.Joe the Plumber time.

[hh5]

Thank you Roan. I think we have covered what helps us and the how's why's and wherefore's

I'm not cured, not by a long way. But it gets better.

My newest thing to try. Is to stop focussing on the main problem and shift it slightly. As in: I cant go through the gate yet. But I can get used to being there, Opening and closing it. There is no pressure there. No pressure that says "you will try to go through it."

Also things like having a farmhand move in with me. So I am not entirely alone.

Baz (the farmhand) volunteered when I was really ill. And with cut backs and everything, he found himself without a job and he lived with his mum. And she couldnt afford to keep him for nothing. So long story short he works for board and lodging and some pocket money and his National Insurance Contribution. But he's a new friend. I have to learn to trust.

As I keep saying Onwards and Upwards.

 

Its good that you help out some one who helps back. Here in america one can't be so lucky. My aunt gave some jobs to this 19yo who eventually rob her several times. He got caught. Also turned out he did drugs as well as he rob his own friends. He betrayed trust.

 

Here in my town making friends is hard.

[JOeKEool]

Hey everyone

Hi HH5(Harold). It is hard to trust people isn't it. My friend started taking in homeless people,trying to help remedy their plight. He did help a few but at least two stole his money ,one stole from his neighbor. How do you know who to trust?

 

BIG GRIN>>>check out my profile .I have posted a poem.I am a (published) poet. Please give me feedback. It's off-topic sorry but, hey its like Im not a virgin now!!!

[Mark92]

Hahahaha Joe you're a funny guy too.

The reason I trust Baz and Lukey is because they came from an organization called Young Farmers Association and they are vetted first. They help out young farmers who find themselves in need. I went down with a serious infection. So I did have a need. And my health has suffered because of that infection so I need them even more now.

I will go read and review now Well done and welcome again

[JOeKEool]

Thanks Mark,

I screwed up and had to redo my post (twice).I hope it's up there now.

Maybe go read again its changed a lot.And thanks for your support..

[Zolia Lily]

Mark and Joe, you've struck on something I think is really true; thinking things are normal when they're not. It's so impossible to beleive things aren't normal when you don't know any different. Just gotta keep beleiving things get better

[Roan]

Yes its one of the hallmarks of depression - that you normalize and internalize completely screwed up thinking.

 

Which is why talking is so important and other people are vital - you cant see your own screwed assumptions because they are second nature. It can take someone else to lift the lid and make you ask yourelf the question - maybe it dosnt have to be like this? Maybe - maybe this isnt normal?

 

The trouble is as teenagers for example the last thing you want to do is admit a weakness. Or acknowledge that you HAVE emotions let alone ones that make you vulnerable. Fear. Sadness. Doubt. So you just pretend to everytone that everything is fine and hope noone asks difficult questions.

 

And for adults, there are strong conformal presures too. Most adults I've talked to about this would rather be outed as gay at their workplace than as suffering depression, because employers dont know how to handle it and colleagues will avoid them in ways that are less prevalent now when sexual orientation is concerned.

 

It has taken me years to admit what is going on in my head. And what it makes me do. And, where it comes from. And seeing it is not necessarilly the same as being able to combat it.

 

So I guess the importance of forums like this. A way to have the impossible conversation with someone who you dont have to explain stuff to but gets what it is like; where you dont have to worry about the consequences; and where they understood that even if your thought processes may be screwed, they understand that they are real to you and cant be just changed by flicking a switch. That is sometimes the hardest - the "just snap out of it" assumption.

 

Love your poetry Joe. You have a deep soul, keep letting it see the light of open skies.

 

Mark keep up the amazing work. And dont let the new kitten boss you around! If you havent seen it, check out www.simonscat.com and youll probably see things that are familiar !

 

Roan

[JOeKEool]

Hi ZL can I call you Lilly,our perception of normal is subject to change without further notice,right.I know mine has.

 

Hi Roan(test tossed tie Roan).Sorry,that just came to me.You have something there. I think it is ,now at least, easier for society to normalize a gay person

than it is for a depressed person. They have no way to see anything but "self pity" or "mental illness" (pick a label of your choice).The "gay" label is not quite as threatening or as foreign as it once was. We need some mainstream "depressed" movies and TV shows to enlighten the masses.

THE BLUE AGENDA

 

 

I looked at Simons Kitty real fast .Will browse more .fun stuff. Cats are kool, and dogs,I've had a dozen of each at the same time in past years.Quite the houseful/yard full. And an eco nightmare. Economy and ecology. Never had a pig tho mark. Are they as intelligent a they say? Scratch Kitty's belly for me OK Mark. And the dog.I want a wet doggy kiss(on your lips).

[Mark92]

Thanks guys

I'm so happy this is helping you all

It's interesting how society portrays gay's Roan. I hav'nt experienced any of the bad press of gay's and homophobes. Because of my circumstances.

I've often told my BF on here that I would openly kiss him and hold him in public. He then explained that it just isnt done. Society isnt OK with gay's yet. I wonder why not? To me if you love someone you love someone, why does it matter what sex they are?

I know religeon has a big part in it all. I had that forced on me my whole life. And I suffered for it too, so forgive me for not believing.

Wearing a mask to hide our depression is commonplace. Like Agaith means false face. I dont see Agaith anymore I see Stuby or Stu.

 

I love Simons cat He is Noah my adult Norwegian Forest Cat. He made champion recently. Xyla's (the pesky kitten) pedigree is bigger than his.

Pigs are very intelligent . I have one called Anya who thinks she is a dog and follows Max (black lab) everywhere. Pigs are also extremely friendly.

It's good to read all the venting you guys are doing

[Zolia Lily]

Yes, Lily is what I call myself

And NEW KITTEN! AWwwWWW!!! I didn't know !

What you say about havng forums like this, safe places to talk, is really true, Roan, but i also think it's important to be able to speak out openly as well. When i was depressed, i used to talk about it to people, and my mum would get really upset. She'd tell me that not everyone needed to know - but i couldn't make her see that to me that was perpetuating the stereotype rather than helping people understand and perhaps even giving someone else the opportunity to reach out. By being open about it, i've had some really interesting conversations - and i've had people who wouldn't normally choose me to talk to about important things come to me and ask questions and try to learn more.

(from a recent spate of ads in the Metro in the UK. I quite like them )

[Bumblebee]

A girl I grew up with, went to school together, but then grew apart, she commited suicide on saturday.

But I don't really care, its not depression or denial.. i just don't really mind that she died.

It's sad though that she did die, and that all of her so called friends whove been posting on her facebook about how much they love her and crap, but when she was alive, and hurting.. its sad to know that she mustn't trusted or no one listened to her cries for help.

That to me is whats sad about it all.

[Mark92]

I totally agree Lily. We should be able to tell people openly why we are, like we are. If you trust that person and are more at ease around them Then off load a little. If they are true friends then they will stick around. And if not well its their loss.

This thread isnt really about giving professional opinions. But our own experiences, what works for us, might work for someone else. The same factor as what doesnt work for us, might work for someone else.

This thread has also been so absorbing for me, seeing how others cope with theirs. And how different we all are.

 

Bee, you have an illness that doesnt help when things like this happen.

I am trying to keep this thread going for that very reason. Come here vent and ask for help if you need it.

[JOeKEool]

You are not alone, I could write pages of my depression dating back decades ago, recently worsened in 1997 and in full force since 2009. I'll not bore you, but up til 11/2008 I was able to cope with it, after that I was grasping at straws and have only a month or two to deal with a new reality laid out for me if I do not find another place to rent. To say I don't know depression, well lets just say I have been living it longer then you have been alive

 

 

Wanted to say Hi Benji. We are fellow Nevadians. I am up in Elko.I hope you have solved your housing issue by now. I too suffer long term. I tried the fake-it-till-you-make-it idea for ages.Meds make me just as depressed but happy to be depressed.Does that make sense? Being here at GA and this thread especially has given me so much hope.Be strong Benji.We can help each other through this .

[Zolia Lily]

I'm sorry to hear it, Bee - and in some way i agree with you. That anyone has to resort to suicide is a terrible thing. Spaces like this are important: to provide places for people to talk, giving people opportunities to find help and to learn to cope and to hope again, before things get so bad that suicide begins to seem like the only option.

[Mark92]

I've thought about it many times, even got close to it a few times too.

And I have been talked out of it as well, by some of the members here.

I hope I never get there again. I can't say I wont, but I hope not.

How about everyone here says how they are today? I dont just mean, I'm good, or fine. Tell us how you really feel. What is going off in your head at the very minute you are about to type.

Me? I'm missing Stuby, and he hasnt even left for uni yet. Its 10:00am and my big chores are done. I'm just waiting for my bread to finish in the oven. I didnt go to school so my maths is poor. But I run a business so there is accounting to do. I do this by putting all the reciepts and money into a large envelope and sending it to my man at the bank. I pay him to do it for me. That all seems to be easy but it isnt. I sell sundries too like eggs and hay. I dont have reciepts for those. So its mind numbing trying to remember. Even writing it down doesnt help. I'm usually in a rush so I dont put all the details down. I usually end up so stressed by it. I give up or put it off to the next day. My man at the bank is very understanding. But I pay him to be just that.

Hugs to all