Depression

[JOeKEool]

Hey Mark,

I got over and scoped out your albums .Those are some awsome cats.And I fell in love with Max.Love -at-first-sight is def real.

Plus I find your Stu very cute.Very. Keep him close . Hi,Stu if you're looking.You got a good guy here.Keep him loved.

So,let me add some things up. You live off-grid and self-sufficient. Lovely managerie of pets and pigs .OH man,that woodlot is magical. An UBER cute guy to love. Fresh food .Fresh water. I don't know how you do it.

You're doing allright ,,just hang in there and make small steps.The mind can heal from unbelievable trauma. Give it all time.And do enjoy and embrace all the good that surrounds you.

 

 

I was late for work tonight ( an hour+ late ) because i was surfing around and exploring everything here.The Zen mode took over and time got away.

I just never run out of new stuff. I have'nt had time to read any content. I'm catching up on the forum and blogs and learning my way around.

Later all

[JOeKEool]

Finally - I think you must have the wrong Roan.

 

 

 

I found a poem tonight that included him and it was Rowan .Poor memory here.

Edit: But that means there IS only one Roan. No one has to die.

[JOeKEool]

I made some relalizations tonight. I don't know if it means anything. I'm going to put it on paper.

The first time i had a "episode" with mania,when I first started writing poetry,I was deeply involved in the "A Rent Boy Named... blog.

 

The second time,last spring or summer,I was again, deeply involved in a story/stories and a blog.( It was My Gay Stories.com. The story that I liked the most( and I'm still waiting for the next chapter, HINT_HINT Terry) is Protecting David . Highly recommend .)Digressing-the point is again I was emotionallyinvolved in this story.

 

At present, I'm in,having,doing? a third experience of a hyper or manic mood swing .Suddenly writing again.And,I'm heavily involved in a web site.

 

What I can't pinpoint is a chicken or an egg enigma .

Does my mood improve because I'm involved in the story / forum / blog activity?

Do I get involved in the activity because my mood has improved?

 

So web site/story stirs emotions. Emotions stir mood upswing. Mood upswing prompts desire/ability for poetry. Mystery solved!!!!

 

Next!!!

 

 

 

Edit: Wow. Do I over analyze or what? It should have been obvious but I didn't see how things were connecting.And even so, I still just have to deal with today and quit analyzing why everything is.Neph said it -it is what it is -let it be- That relates to many things.

 

 

 

Edit:Today got really rocky for a while.I cried on a strong shoulder.Thanks Ricky. The day ended really REALLY well tho.A gourmet pizza of a day

Thanks for being you,all of you here,

Joe

Edited January 21, 2012 by JOeKEool

[Mark92]

Well swings and roundabouts and ups and downs there Joe

 

I over analyze things too. I always have. Another thing I do is make up scenarios of whats happening. Even simple things like what is Baz doing when he leaves here. He tells me where he's going and what he will be doing, and I try and picture it all.

I guess its due to isolation, and keeping my mind active about what is happening out there. Sometimes I think I will walk down to the road and the traffic will be floating by, like hovercraft. Or maybe going into a shop is just flashing a piece of plastic and choosing what you want. Its been over a year since I've seen it. Things you all take for granted are alien to me. Like a lift or an escalator? A train or a bus? I dont know what they are like, apart from seeing them on TV. I never experienced them before the gate cut me off.

[Zolia Lily]

Maybe isolation, maybe another symptom, too.

I used to do it, but now i imagine things differently: now, rather than thinking about other people and what they might be saying about me, it's more that i see people on a train and imagine where each of them are off, to and where they live... all sorts of things.

Also - maybe it's something about the creative side of us? We write stories, poetry, draw... it's like being creative...

I think as long as it's not an anxiety fueled imagining, then it's all good.

[JOeKEool]

Hi Mark, Yeah this day was a ride but ended well. That's all's well,right. .I had a long deep talk with my friend Mike today. It's been a while since we really talked like that..He has depression,bi-polar,schitzophrenia Whoa, did I spell that right? We joke that he can have Group therapy and be the only one there 'cause of his mult. personallities. He told me don't analyze and question everything.Just accept it and do the best with today. I see the logic. I know when I get manic like this there is gonna be that dastardly plunge back to the depths of hell. If I could analyze why it happens could I not prevent it? He says just know it will happen and deal with that moment. It does give the mind a lot of freedom to just say "Ces't La Vie" about the whole thing. Can you effectively turn off all those functions and just quit analyzing,and stressing,and worrying. One step at a time I guess.

 

I had a good talk with my brother tonight too. We hardly talked for years.At family dinners we chat. Now he calls me every night. The joys of Google Talk. Mostly we still don't really talk.Tonight I told him how my day started.It was just one of those days where your fine and then WHAM, you can't do anything but cry.No reason.Just overwhelming grief and tears.And then it went the other extreme and I was all giddy and stupid.It is easier for me to stay depressed than deal with this crap.Anyway ,my brother was caring and "human" about it.Not his normal self, the big jerk.HA HA. Oh, and with Mike today I "played the gay card" so to speak and he was cool about it.It just is part of you and you have to accept it he said. Not A bad day at all.

 

Mark,I know you're making progress. You have a lot to overcome. It will take some time. What do you think of the idea of just accept how things are. Deal with "this" moment.And ignore the past and ignore the future. I don't know .Is it realistic? A cop-out? I don't know.

 

You could walk one step out the gate today and two steps tomorrow and gradually work your way out. If I thot I could get there.I would challenge you to meet me for coffee at the nearest cafe ,say one year from today. Maybe your Stu could hold you to something similar. I do know how you feel,though. I seldom leave my house before dark. I'd rather not deal with people. I wouldn't go out at all if possible. Iknow you have a deeper issue than just me feeling self contious or anxious.You have a vast unknown to confront someday. Man,I'm holding your hand,OK.

 

 

"I get Bi Polar when I get drunk. I put on a white bear suit and have sex with men and woman"(from a comedy channel stand-up)

Edited January 21, 2012 by JOeKEool

[Zolia Lily]

Was thinking - maybe we should post some links here - any tips or anything anyone has ever found helpful for dealing with depression?

I'll never say no to those!

[JOeKEool]

ricky just recommended folic acid.Wiki lists depression and other mental/behavioral conditions.

[Mark92]

You are both brilliant people

 

Its took me six months to get to the gate and hold onto it. Now I am getting used to it, instead of concentrating on going through it. I can open and close it now. The pressure is off that I am trying to go through it, so its much easier.

I have had a few flash backs, and there is a lot my sub-concious has locked away to protect me. Some of that is coming back the happier and more contented I become. I actually saw myself as an 8 year old kid. Face so swollen and bruised I couldnt see or talk. Being screamed at to stay away from the gate. I was a secret not to be seen. Not that I could have been seen. I'm 2 miles from my nearest neighbour or a road. If anyone visited the house I was locked up in a cupboard. Only her cronies saw me or the odd time the doc. The only other person in my life was Kate a friend of my mums, who is still my friend now.

Forgetting the past is just too big. Maybe one day.

 

Good idea Lily

 

There is an aussie course thats online. Its not based on you personally there are no real people to talk to. but its interactive and is more self assessment on anxiety and depression. Its called Mood Gym. I've started it and I've finished the first module. I will repeat it a few times before I go onto the next.

 

Stay happy people

[JOeKEool]

Hey Mark,

 

This looks promising. Save me a chair. I'm signing up.

http://moodgym.anu.edu.au/welcome

 

Thanks Lily,

 

Good idea!!!

 

 

 

 

Mark. Heres an Idea. I picture your handsome Stu lying naked in the grass just beyond the gate......To be continued.

 

 

P.S. Mark: I read some more of your story.The Legacy. Man, I'm way impressed. You must read and study a lot ,being so isolated. You have a very vivid description of everything.Thats what pulls me into a story. I like a story that does everything but move my eyeballs back and forth. You have that abillity.

It requires a good story and good writing. They don't always co-exist. I stole that description from a story somewhere.But it totally applies here.

 

Love you all,

Joe

[Mark92]

Thank you Joe I started that at the age of 13 some mixed up head huh? LOL

Mood Gym is fun and a little distracting. Not enough to keep me distracted enough. Talking and writing are still the big winners.

I've been almost hyper happy today And before I went to bed at gone 2am I had a good cry with a friend on here so still swings and roundabouts. But the downs are not as long lasting or as painful.

[JOeKEool]

Mark,

Those good cries are the best thing you can do.They sure purge a lot of baggage.I had to learn to go with them and not fight back.

 

Had a bit of a cry on waking today. I had a memory that led to an idea that bothers me. I'm short of time ,will explain later. But, do you believe in cosmic connections.?

 

I GET to spend the evening with my little guys.It's Grampa time!.

 

back soon

Joe

[Mark92]

Thats cool Joe enjoy!!!

Lukey's two girls are adorable, they call me the BFG and like to ride on my shoulders. They stick out there tongue at dad because he cant lift them as high as Uncle Marky lol

[JOeKEool]

I'm glad you have kids around you,Mark. They can sure disperse those dark clouds in a hurry.

I had a good day. Ice cream, wrestling practice,science club.I'm a soccer mom.(no soccer tho)

Killer breakfast this AM. New post up on my stories.( I lasted a whole 3 days without posting)

Good friends on GA. Life has promise.

big BIG HUG Mark,Uncle Marky,

Papa Joe

[Mark92]

Thanks for the hug Joe back atcha

 

How is everyone else doing? I have actually had more than 3 hours sleep! twice too, last night and the night before.

Hope it stays that way

Having Baz helping is a real big deal, it halves my workload and its more fun too.

[Zolia Lily]

WOW, nice to hear it!

Do you normally not sleep much? URgh... i'm basically a zombie without my full eight hours of sleep!

[Roan]

Glad you're sleeping Mark. Its amazing how much of a difference it makes, even a few hours.

 

I'm sruggling at the moment, and there are always nightmares waiting for me in the middle of the night, but I'm on a farm at the moment and the peace is helping. Too much time to think is a curse sometimes. But it sort of works here.

 

Time to read some of your work Mark and Joe. Might put better thoughts in my brain before another wrestle with the dark watches of the night.

 

Big hugs to all

 

Roan

[Mark92]

Hi Lily I usually do 3 hours max and that is/was a big sleep for me. Last few nights its been almost 5 so is cool

 

 

I used to have nightmares, they are rare now. I've said many times that silence is never silent. Sometimes its so quiet here my own voice makes me jump. And too much thinking leads to over analyzing everything. Which usually means me upsetting myself about things that hav'nt happened.

 

I dare you to read Lets Make Love and no prizes for guessing who's who

 

As for Joe's stuff well he's an ace poet I'm a fan already

 

Hugs too all

[JOeKEool]

Hey friends, Sleep : I,too struggle. 2 hours is max now. I feel a cold coming on as result,YUCK. I do well on 4. Sleep seems most elusive when most needed.

 

Mark, Analyzing: I could DO in minutes what I spend HOURS analyzing.(and then not doing).

 

Roan,We'd like to read a bit from you. Hope you like my stuff. Pics back up.Yeah. You are beautiful ! I'm cuddling up with you in case you have a nightmare, OK. Not to worry !!

 

Mark, Wow." Ace poet" Thank you !

 

Lily, I just read a few lines of yours. Phone in the pantry. Can't guess where this is going. Top of my MUST READ list now.(so much for sleep)

Hugs and cuddles to all,

Joe

[Mark92]

I feel so guilty now for not reading more LOL. Lily has a pantry?? I have a pantry too. Ooooh Lily whats in yours, besides a phone? the mind boggles.

 

I have a must read list thats so long I cant see the end. I can slip in a small thing now and again (no rude comments here )

Hugs all round

[Zolia Lily]

oh LOL! That confused me for a bit. No, i sadly don't have a pantry, but my mum has always wanted one. My character Jake does, in the story i posted recently. He has... a few issues, but I personally love the story. You'll have to read it and see

Do so hope you enjoy it, Joe!

And Mark - you'll have to hit me up with some of your faves. I can never choose what to read from a list, a title or a one liner, so please let me know which ones are good!

xoxo

[Mark92]

My first ever story was (In)visible by Anyta Sunday that got me hooked to GA then In Due Time by J.Wolf. Both totally awesome read's. Seeing Double by my Stuby, he has a way of portraying things so vividly and you see colours too. Just need to keep nagging him to try and finish it and work through his Uni stuff too. My latest read is Mr Anonymous by KC Grim. I've been putting off reading the last chapter because I've enjoyed it so much. If you like gay male erotica then I would say Lets Make Love by me Guess who the stars are LOL Hugs everyone

[Roan]

Roan,We'd like to read a bit from you. Hope you like my stuff. Pics back up.Yeah. You are beautiful ! I'm cuddling up with you in case you have a nightmare, OK. Not to worry !!

 

 

Thanks for the cuddle Joe! No nightmares last night, must have been too tired.

 

My first bit of writing is up hopefully the first of many.

[Mark92]

Thats Cool Roan I'll have a look tomorrow it's 1:30am right now and I need sleep

[JOeKEool]

Way to go Roan!!! Hell with sleep. I have to go check it out. Nice job. Made me cry. Very professional writing.

 

Roan,the next one in my pipeline is just for you. Again, know you hold a chunk of my heart.

 

Mark, I will have one for you. They present themselves to me in their own time. You, too are in my heart.

 

Lily. I hope I can get to read that soon.

 

 

 

 

Here,s my latest one. I hope you enjoy. (Have you checked out the writers prompts)

http://www.gayauthor...ritingprompts/1