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Kev de Cauchery

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Blog Entries posted by Kev de Cauchery

  1. Kev de Cauchery
    I'm not sure when was the last time I was active here, so I might as well be new here.
    Deep apologies to all my friends here. I know I've been an awful awful friend; whether you still consider me a friend anymore is purely up to you.
    I'm not sure how active I'm going to be here, but I'll try.
     
    Just a few updates if anyone is still interested.
    Finally finished uni for a while, I think. Two years studying here in Australia I've decided that should be the end of schooling years for me until I decide that it's time for me to do my PhD, if I do it at all.
    Got engaged. Steen and I have been together as a couple for more than two years now. We have our ups and downs but I still love him very much.
    On the writing front I've just started picking up writing again; those of you who follow me on Facebook would know that I felt the writing addiction again. Been trying to get stories published somehow after Slash Books and Uni of Sydney anthology. So far, no luck in that department but I do have two shiny rejection letter. So this time I'm writing for a specific anthology call. Will be needing betas soon.
     
    So yeah, I'm new here. My name is Kev de Cauchery. Nice to meet you. What's yours?
  2. Kev de Cauchery
    Gosh, I'm such a slut!
     
    So yeah, I'm having this crush on this guy I know about from a class. I said "know about" because I've never actually talked to him or anything besides a certain amount of class particpation on both sides. So I basically know nothing about this Justin. Well, yeah, I know his name is Justin, and he's from the States. And cute to my eyes.
     
    O well, Sky and Graham comes to mind when I'm talking about this situation. Sky, well, another sad news.
     
    So yeah, I'm pretty convinced that he's straight, tho I don't have any evidence, but then, there's never a need for evidence when you think someone's straight.
     
    However, this is where the fun part comes in, the three girls I'm been sitting with told me that Justin gives "special" attention to me when I do the group discussion/presentation kind of stuff.
     
    But then I'm still convinced he's still straight. For me, Justin's just a pretty person i get to see once each week. and I'm kinda satisfied with that.
     
    But then sometimes I think maybe I'm over-shielding myself from this self-protection thingie. And this self-loathe/insecurity thingie.
     
    Anyways, I smile everytime I think of him, and the faux-possibility that he'd be gay.
     
    And I never remember having fun crushing on "straight" guys. Maybe I'm having fun this time because I know I wouldn't let myself SinK into this desperation state.
     
    Anyways, life's kinda good, 'cept it's so expensive to live in Syd, Aus.
     
    On writing front, I just finished a short story 'Just Somebody' for the creative writing fiction workshop I'm taking. It's a letter style kind of thingie. It's from K to M, the same two characters in my 'Yours Truly, Marionette' I've posted here. (Yay for the shameless plug.) I'm thinking of posting the new one here soon, after editing or whatnot.
     
    Oh yeah, i'm single and fabulous. I don't think I'm sad or depressed anymore.
     
    (O well, I've attached the story I'm talking about. Won't post it till my prof read it, of course.) Error with attaching files.
  3. Kev de Cauchery
    I was debating whether I should write this blog, but then I thought I'm not here as often anymore, so I guess a blog might be good. <--Whatever, that doesn't make sense. Talk about randomness.
     
    Talking about updates, so I'm here now in Sydney, Australia. Meh.
     
    But then one of the good sides is that now I can do Youtube! One of the videos I've been watching religiously daily is Joel Burns' "It Gets Better"
    , supposedly one of the best It Gets Better video of all time. I know the video's ancient or whatever, but I had it in my bookmarks before I could watch it. Then comes my emotions. I've been watching it daily and it gets to me every time. I wonder why. I can use some emotional stability. 
    Anyway, I've been feeling all this self-hatred and stupid insecurity ever since I've arrived in Oz. The self-hatred exploded after a particular incident.
    So there's a gay community/society/group in my uni called Shades. I only joined online thru Facebook so I didn't know anyone before i went to this supposed party at school. I was late that day by an hour because of classes arrangements and when i reached the bar, people are already congregating and I felt like not having the courage or anything to strike up a convo with anyone there.
    So I went home alone, with this enormous self hatred. I twitted: "I officially hate myself. This hatred is dangerous too. I'm gonna be lonely from now on. I don't care about Joel Burns' speechless moment when he met JD Angle."
    So I was bathed in this remorseful sadness.
     
     
    And then came my birthday a couple days ago. Since I was convinced that i'm gonna die alone, I couldn't help being overwhelmed by this love i felt from the friends, back at home and here at GA wishing me a happy one. I thought to myself, "Even though I may have to die alone, it doesn't feel so bad now that I feel this love."
     
    Five minutes after this particular thought, I cried, for the first time in Oz, because of a stupid song, whose lyrics talked about you'd have to wait before love comes or whatever "Grape won't turn into wine before they're mature(?)" or something. just stupid, but i cried anyway.
     
    And just now I came across that story about a mom who's gonna love his son whether his gay or not or something. and i got so emotional.
     
    Gosh! what is wrong with me anyway. I feel like I've been having too many ups and downs concerning my emotions ever since I'm here. sick of it already.
     
     
     
     
    So yeah, i'm 23 now. As PlugInMatty would say, "Nobody likes you when you're 23."
     
     
     
     
    I'm sorry I've taken whoever read this their time for posting this complete boring randomness.
     
     
  4. Kev de Cauchery
    I was deprived access to GA for some time now, due to a stoopid conference about the CCP or something. With some incidents happened in China recently, I seriously dislike this country right now.
    Anyway, I just found out that I again can log on to GA, so I'm writing this as a hello to everyone and a slight update de moi.
     
    It's official. I'm going to Syd, Aus for grad courses, since all the US schools rejected me. The only thing that's in the way is the student Visa. I'm expecting to get it in a month.
     
    Still struggling with the fiction on Charles et moi.
     
    I miss you all. Those months was boring.
     
    Hugs for everyone.
     
    I'm really random, so I haven't changed much.
     
    I've only written one novelette and I'm so happy it got chosen by Slash Books in Canada. The story is going to be published in a Anthology SB's soon to publish.
     
     
  5. Kev de Cauchery

    Random

    By Kev de Cauchery,

    Okay, so in 4 hours I'll be getting up for my first day of internship. And I'm not asleep yet. But this is nothing. I guess I just need to rant out a few stuff to go sleep. And need to write a blog anyway.
     
    The other day I came out to a friend - my former professor, who I had a big big crush on and am pretty sure straight. It was because I hadn't replied to his email in weeks and I was feeling a little guilty and I didn't have much to say in the email so I decided to tell him. I had always suspected that he knew. Anyway, I wont' worry about him too much. I'm expecting him to acknowledge the fact and then move on (to new stuff to talk about).
     
     
     
     
    So today was a family gathering on my father's side to celebrate the Mid-Autumn Festival in advance. There were five guys in my generation, all boys, me being the oldest. One of my cousin who is the second oldest brought her girlfriend. And my family began asking when it is that I'll bring mine. Sure I'm out to my parents (maybe merely my mom I suspect), and am not out to other relatives. Well, I just answered 'you can't rush that'. Oh well, being the eldest of the generation (and the eldest to bear the family name), and being Chinese, I guess I still have that pressure of, well, having children. (BTW, I don't like children that much.) O well.
     
    And later when I went to the work place of one of my aunt, a colleague of hers, who I think is cute, shown her a piece of news in the newspaper. My aunt frowned upon it. Later she showed me the news that the German Foreign Minister (? or someone from Germany's Government) got married with his boyfriend.
  6. Kev de Cauchery
    (Pre-caution again. Nonsense and Babble.)
     
    So I was talking about the hug. Urgh, I already miss it.
     
    So the other day I was making playlists in my iTunes and decided to make a "Charles era songs". Altogether, until now, I've found 23 songs to fit in the playlist. Cried to several of them. Some of them was produced by Charles. Overall, songs that have special meaning to the friendship/one-sided love.
     
    And this song was almost like the theme song of the era, call The Dance.
     
    Looking back on the memory of
    The dance we shared 'neath the stars above
    For a moment all the world was right
    How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye
     
    And now I'm glad I didn't know
    The way it all would end, the way it all would go
    Our lives are better left to chance
    I could have missed the pain
    But I'd have to miss the dance
     
    The lyrics would best describe the feeling towards the past of Charles and I.
     
    - - - - - - - - - -
     
    So I was talking about the hug, and it all went downhill from there.
     
    After the hug, the next day, I was feeling so bad that I need to leave the dorm. There were stairs at the corner of the dorm building that is seldom used. I went there after 11, just to keep my feelings in check. 15 minutes later I went back to my room and my roommate told me that Charles had left the dorm building in search of me. I was so happy in a way that he cared. (Side note: he had a girl friend who slitted and damaged her wrist because of the un-reciprocated love towards Charles that Charles was actually scared that I'd do something stupid.) So I ran down the stairs to stop Charles.
    We two ended up sitting near the outdoors basketball court and talked for a couple of hours. I'll always remember the spot and generally the talk we had.
     
    After the hug and the secnond talk, I became so willful. I began to take on the habit to leave the dorm at 11 at night, when the electricity was cut off. And I'd wander about the campus. I guess I did that because I wanted to feel that Charles cared about me. Because at first Charles would always text me the minute I left the dorm, even though he no longer went in search of me. (Because I told him I wouldn't do anything stupid.) I guess the text message was basically the reason why I went out.
    And he stopped after a few weeks, I think. The text messages.
     
    Afterwards, I no longer felt the care from him. Nor did I feel that he considered me a friend anymore. At a certain point, I thought he was afraid of me.
    I began to stay up nights in a row. Just basically torturing myself. At one point, I developed hallucination and acousma. I'd see Charles or hear his voice out of the blue. I was a mess.
    And I went back to read the blogs I wrote during that first time I fell in love with him. I shall cut and paste some of them here just to show how desperate and stupid I had been:
     
    "I SUPPOSE IT'S NOT ME THAT'S GIVING UP OUR FRIENDSHIP..I TRIED EVERY WAY I CAN TO BETTER IT..I TRIED TO TALK OVERCOMING MY SHYNESS..AND IT'S YOU WHO NEGLECTED MY EVERY WORD.. I PREFER HATRED TO INDIFFERENCE..WHAT I DON'T WANT IS INDIFFERENCE FROM HIM..I PREFER HATRED..IT WOULD HURT ME MOST IF HE'S INDIFFERENT..BUT I'VE ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE IS NO LONGER AFRAID OF ME BECAUSE OF HIS INDIFFERENCE.."
     
    Just total nonsense.
     
    Towards the end of the freshman year, things couldn't have been worst between us. As I see it now, it was all my fault.
    And I thought at that time, I'd try to mend things around finals and the military training. Because we used to have meals together, several of us. So I thought that'd change things. And I thought since we'd prolly be training together, it'd better things.
     
    Things turned out that Charles wasn't training with us. He was in another place training. It was forbidden to bring cell phone to the camp, but I did anyway. And I texted message to Charles every night during that fortnight. And I wrote diaries.
    Charles was hurt towards the end of the training. And he got the last 7 messages I texted him. I didn't expect him to get any of the messages.
     
    Things got better during the summer holidays. One thing he did convinced me that we were friends again. He told me that he got his girlfriend back, some way or the other. Here's the blog I wrote about it: (forgive the bad english, obviously my English back then was not as good as now.)
    Titled: Lost.Suddenly.Cautiously
    " 'i have her back'..when i heard this. what am i supposed to feel. and what am i supposed to say..i said congrats..when i first heard that news. (that he got his girl back) though the emotional collision (i think i meant the emotional impact) was very strong.but because it's not said from him, i found it not as strong as the time when he personally told me..i'm lost, suddenly and cautiously..but what is good about that is that he told me personally, so that means we are still "close" friends..that's good though.."
     
    I believed it was the turning point that I believed he considered me his friend.
     
    - - - - - - - - - -
     
    I also once wrote a monlogue for class about his not considering me his friends. But i think enuf about now.
     
    I should write a memoir out of these blogs I wrote about Charles. Also the sms that we exchanged during that time. (Yes, I have the sms' written down. )
  7. Kev de Cauchery
    (Pre-caution: I'm bound to talk randomly and babble stuff that perhaps doesn't make sense.)
     
    So I'm in love with a straight guy. Again. With the same person. Pathetic.
     
    Pathetic is I. My Charles is everything I could have wanted.
    (And he just called me right now.)
     
    I guess I've never really stopped loving him from the first time. Just the feeling has become an element flowing in the blood. You'd always know it's there. And only would appear when stirred.
     
    And I was stirred.
     
    The other day he was standing at the door of my room. He looked so nice. Not categorically handsome or cute or anything. But to me, he was just perfected. And talented. Attached is a extremely short demo he made.
     
    I've been feeling all kinds of mixed emotions these days. I'm always happy when I hang out with him. Yet sometimes am sad and a tug at heartstrings constantly. Among the group of friends there's a joke. We call Charles and another guy, Louis, a couple, even though both are desperately straight. And I always have to pretend to be joyful when mentioned the joke. It's just hard to even joke about him being with a guy, when the guy's not me.
     
    Anyway. I've been feeling too happy. contented, desperate these days that I thought I should post some blog about him.
    And this is the first.
     
    The first time around I was also desperate, much worse than I am right now. It was him who I had attempted slitting the wrist and left several beautiful scars.
     
    There was a hug between us, one I'd always remember. It was after a long talk we had, one that somehow revealed that I did love him. I asked him to just stand up and put his arms by his side and do nothing else, which he did. I stood close to him and wrapped my arms around him. I would have been contented by the one-sided hug. What surprised me was that he responded almost immediately and hugged me tight. The hug was warm. I almost cried at that hug.
     
    The hug was almost the closest we'd gotten in that first phase of our friendship. The rest after it went downhill.
     
    Gotta run. Lemme remember more and write more.
  8. Kev de Cauchery
    So you'll be seeing a lot of Random Hugz from me from now on.
     
    Inspired by Cia and Nephy, I think.
     
    The world can do with more hugs, I think.
     
    Just random hugs to random people.
  9. Kev de Cauchery
    Met my ex today. Total disaster. Well, he's leaving for Belgium in 3 days. I'm just glad.
     
     
     
    Well, just a little background why I don't like him at all.
     
    We started the relationship (well, i don't consider it a relationship, i'd say it's f**k buddies, but obviously he thought otherwise) when I was recovering from a crush on a straight buddy. (I know, I know! Don't crush on your straight buudy.) So I'd consider him more like a buoy, or so we call it. It's like you were drowning in a past misery and you desperately want another relationship to help you not-drown. So that's how I see it. He was a buoy.
     
    I didn't love him, not at all. I know it's really bad of me, but I told him we'd separate the moment I realized that I was using him. At that moment, he said "okay then", and we "broke up". In a later email he sent me, he said, and I quote, "...I know we've broken up..." Well, I thought it was the end of our affair and we'd be friends.
     
    That was more like what I thought. The thing was, three months after we ended the affair, he appeared at the door of my dorm building and said we needed to talk. I thought twas okay. But when we sat down and talked, he kept saying that we were still in a relationship. I was like "What!?" He kept saying that he never agreed to break up and stuff. Just crazy talking. I got so furious that I just walked away.
     
    After that, he kept calling me in odd hours, like three or four in the morning and ask if I wanna f**k. It was just annoying.
     
    And today, when we met, I found myself so calm that it scared me. And through the calmness that I truly saw how abusive his words actually was. Every time he talkd about me, they were some degrading words. It was always like "you're this bad" or "you're too feminine for your own good." But I just blocked them away. I gave him the cold treatment and just ignored his words. And it made me realize the few months I had been with him were so crazy. I had let meself be so vulnerable and took all his abusive words in. And it made me realize the reason I felt so connected with Josh (Duncan Ryder's character in Everybody's Wounded. BTW, the story is fab, Duncan.)
     
    So all in all, I'm just glad he's leaving and be out of my life.
  10. Kev de Cauchery

    I'm back?

    By Kev de Cauchery,

    Is it even right for me to say that I'm back?
     
    I'm not sure how long I've been away, but since I always got email notifications, I've never considered myself left. It's not like I've been away for more than 4 months. (Yes, I'm talking to you, BiD )
     
    So uh, anyone who may want to know why, if there's any that is...
     
    Wait for my summer anthology story then, if I come up with anything that is.
     
    Twas a personal issue which I'm considering turning into a short story or something. (Ah, I remember a friend calling me an exhibitionist)
     
    So uh, that's about it. You guys are gonna see my annoying self again.
     
    And I've got to finish the summer antho story which has yet to be started.
     
    Thank you Sam for not giving up on me.
     
    And yes my feline friend Tim, I'll know how to find you.
     
    And sorry if I had missed anyone's birthday. A belated Merry B-Day.
     
    I'm deeply moved by many of my friends.
     
    (See, I'm totally random again. I'm my normal self. )
  11. Kev de Cauchery
    So I'm just back from the play |MACBETH| performed by TNT Theatre Britain in our school theatre.
     
    And I'm so blown away!!
     
    The performance of those mere six actors/actresses are just stunning. Esp, the three witches by Mark Prince, Gail Sixsmith and Rebecca Naylor; Lady MacBeth by Gail Sixsmith; and MacDuff by Roger Clark.
    And it doesn't hurt that Mark Prince and Roger Clark are cute.
     
    It was my first time in a play, (come to think of it, not). Anyways, the experience was just out of this world.
    Have never read MacBeth before but now I'm intrigued.
     
    Well, just a remembrance of mine.
     
    TNT Theatre also performed |ROMEO & JULIET| and |OLIVER TWIST| in our school theatre. Now I regret not going to watch them.
  12. Kev de Cauchery
    I'll first say, Tuesdays with Morrie is a great book, but not one suitable for reading in public.
     
    So the book was recommended by my creative writing teacher. At that time, it seemed like a requirement while not being one, thus I didn't read it at that time.
     
    The other day, I bought it and decided to read it after all. By this time, it's not longer a requirement and definitely a book that I really want to read.
    I started reading on the plane back to BJ. I knew from the start that this book was going to bring tears, because when I started reading literally the first word, (well, I must admit I kind of knew what the book is about), my eyes were filled with tears.
     
    And during the course of the flight, I constantly need to compose myself, almost every other paragraph, in order to stop tearing up because I don't have enough tissues with me. And at certain places, I literally would blow out several breaths. Despite the composing and stuff, I still constant wipe my eyes. I must seem really weird on the plane.
     
    And while waiting to retrieve my luggage, I stood there reading again, wanting to finish the book. There was a girl standing next to me who was also waiting for her luggage and I noticed she kept looking at me. It must have been that I was crying so openly.
     
    The last three chapters was read in privacy of the dorm. And the last three was like the saddest part of the whole book, but this time, I could cry as much as I wanted because roommates weren't in. And with the crying, I feel almost relieved.
     
    I think the book moves me, partly because I'm still at college and it's about college professors. But anyway, I think everyone would get something out of it.
     
    And if not wanting to embarrass yourself in public, I'd recommend to read while you're alone.
  13. Kev de Cauchery
    Despite the all happy mood here for the lunar new year, still it's a sad time.
     
    Yesterday morning, when mom was driving me out somewhere, I saw a lump of something on the ground. I really shouldn't have been curious to found out what that is, coz when I finally realized, we had run over it. It was a dead cat. I swear it was already dead when we ran over it, but still, I burst out crying. I could almost feel the pain of it. And it's to be the year of Tiger. Kind of ironic, for me.
     
    And Lee Alexander McQueen's dead.
    Sad. Just sad.
    Mom told me she wouldn't tell me until I found out myself because she was afraid of me losing sleep because of it.
    It's just sad.
     
    And the chat thread is driving me crazy.
  14. Kev de Cauchery
    I probably shouldn't write the first entry in the time when I'm 'too tired to sleep', but well, when's the better time to join the community.
     
    Eff the mosquito in my room.
     
    I should do lots of stuff, which the thought of it disgusts me.
     
    Should finish the untitled 'Hello, Insomnia' project.
    Should finish the untitled 'the cruelty of youth' poject.
    Should finish posting 'The Sick Puppy and the Angel'
    Should start thinking about the 'Insomnia. Acousma. Sex. Love. Friends. Suicidal Attempts. Depression. Drugs' stuff.
    Should start the essay so I can finish my undergrad degree.
     
    Writing them down just to remind myself how lazy I am. I'm disgusted. By myself.
     
    Is there any way I can live without actually doing anything?
    - I'm probably too tired to think right now.
     
    Read more.
     
    How much more random can the words be!
     
    Eff it. Am posting it anyway.
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