Bender

I finally saw "Rent" tonight, and I cried. And cried, and cried, and cried. It was so sad. "Without You" is my new favorite song. I mean, I had always known about it, I just didn't like it as much as I do now that I've seen it in context. Now I feel all empowered, and I want to write really sad songs and stories. I'll get started on that right away. It could take a while. Well, that's all for this entry. -psychic psychopath

So, I went to the buttcrack of America for Thanksgiving today...my uncle's house. And as much as I like buttcracks, this one was not very fun. My family is absolutely crazy. Ok, Snow Dog knows exactly how crazy my mom is; extremely. However, my mom looks like an amateur in comparison with the rest of my family. The craziest is by far my grandma. We were just talking about this amazingly annoying kid I used to go to school with, and my grandma says, "It's raining in New York." My sister and I looked at each other and just burst out laughing. Considering we didn't have any internet connection and the Macy's parade wasn't on, I don't know what made my grandma think that it was raining in New York. Whatever. I ate too much Turkey, and about ten seconds after I finished eating, the tryptophan hit me and I wanted to go to sleep really, really badly. So I'm going to bed soon. G'night. -psychic psychopath P.S. Wow! No mention of either hottie during the main portion of my blog entry! Well, they're both very hot, and that's all I'll say about that.

About Green's not-so-subtle question...I write stories (that I never finish), write songs (which is hard becuase I'm no good with words and can't rhyme), and write poetry (the kind that uses imagery, not the kind that rhymes). So yes, I'm an artist.

OK, my blog has changed from: "angry ranting space" to "space where I berate myself for being so blind" to "star-trek nerd space" all in one entry. It's a good thing nerds are hot, or else I'd have a conniption fit.

Name: Jim I-won't-tell-you-my-last-name-due-to-internet-discretion Hair: Blond, straight, boring Eyes: Crystal clear blue Height: just under 5'9" Weight: Not very much Gender: Male, just very girly dominant side: Right sexuality: gay, and damn proud, despite homophobic surroundings Marital status: Why am I adding this? I haven't even had a boyfriend yet Age: 14 Favorite thing to do: Write music? I don't know. Maybe read. Favorite music: Country, but starting to like alternative just a little too much sign: Cancer, leave me alone about it Added note: I may be completely gay, but I'm in love with a (gasp) woman; Faith Hill. additional added note: I rationalize things too much, according to my blog readers.

I love Marc Broussard! He is awesome! I just had to say it, sorry.

I missed the part where he was staring at my crotch...not that it's not flattering and all, but it wasn't that. I was sitting with a friend of mine and we were talking and we found out where he works, and he starts a sales pitch about the pair of jeans he happens to be wearing and how we can get them at the store he works at. And by the way, he looked really hot in them. And then my friend mentioned that he has a hard time finding jeans that fit, so HOT gay guy guessed his jeans size, and then I dared him to guess mine. He was right both times.

Yeah, at academic team they ask random trivia questions and we buzz in to answer. The one this weekend had questions exclusively about fine arts. Which I stink at.

This is going to be a really long blog entry. I saw Harry Potter 4 Friday Night, and I must say that Daniel Radcliffe is quite yummy. He has a little bit of hair just around his nipples and it is really hot. Because I saw Harry Potter, I only got three hours of sleep Friday Night, which was really bad because I had an academic team competition Saturday. My team was one of freshmen, and we beat lots of varsities from other schools. We ended up getting 5th or 6th, though. We lost twice to hot gay guy's team. I have decided beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is gay, and also extremely nice. I talked to him a little bit, and he works at one of my favorite stores in the mall, and he was able to correctly guess my jeans size. Which is 28 by 32, in case you were wondering. I have really long legs for my height. Christmas is coming. Being the "Man of the house" ( ), I was commissioned to put up Christmas lights. So, there are lights on the bushes and lining the driveway. I did NOT want to get out the ladder. But let me tell you, Christmas lights may be for Christmas, but they are controlled by the Antichrist. I had a string that I plugged in, and they worked fine. Then, I went and did something else for maybe ten minutes, I come back outside, and none of them work! WTF?!?!?! I just got back home 20 minutes ago because I went to a musical. It was "The Music Man". After that, I went to the cast party even though I wasn't in the cast to see a friend of mine who was in it. I ended up staying way too late and now I am going to be like the living dead tomorrow. But I just had to make this blog entry. -psychic psychopath

Today I broke up with my girlfriend. Well, it was kinda a mutual breakup. It feels weird to say that, because I'm gay and most definitely should not have a girlfriend. We broke up because: 1) I felt like I was leading her on because I'm gay and she didn't know that and This is a run-on sentence that will end now. 2) She and I really acted more like friends than boyfriend and girlfriend, and being her friend is exactly what I wanted. We are now friends, and we will be for quite a while. 3) It was getting to the point where my sister just wouldn't talk to me for a long time. The longest time was two days, which is a huge deal with me. My sister and I are very close, and it really hurt to not be able to talk to her. Yes, she hated the fact that I was going out with one of her friends. So We broke up, and it was really hard to do it, because I was afraid of hurting her feelings, but in the end she just agreed with me and we started talking about this kid who constantly looks like he is eating his lips. It was a smooth conversation flow. Other than that, nothing new really happened. I am very excited because "Rent" comes out in less than a week. I am pretty much counting down the seconds. It has the coolest saying thingie ever: "No day but today." It's so simple, but so profound. Plus, the song "Seasons of Love" is one of my favorite songs ever. I was talking to this friend of mine who (or is it whom?) is very smart today, and he said that I should become a quantum physicist and then figure out a way to get us to Alpha Centauri. Now, if I'm not mistaken, that's not exactly something that a quantum physicist is likely to do. I mean, maybe I could figure out a way to harness zero-point energy, but space travel? No. But then, I could be very wrong. The reason this came up is because I told him about how my mom expects me to get a full ride to college, but then she's going to make me become an M.D. Which is retarded. I hate medicine. I would commit suicide before going to Medical School. However, knowing my mother, I'm going to end up going to Medical School. That's just the way it is; she wants me to be a doctor, one way or another she's going to make me be a doctor. -psychic psychopath

He knew my name because I buzzed in to answer questions a lot. Every time you buzz in, the moderator has to recognize you by saying your name. After I had buzzed in for the 800th time, I think it was pretty easy for him to remember my name. And I doubt he sought me out, it was just kinda an awkward meeting in the hallway. But it is nice to think of it that way.

hmmmmmm, something you haven't done since highschool...my first thought was group sex, but I have decided it must be crossdressing. Dom the transvestite...sounds sexy.

I forgot Hot CC guy! Well, there's really nothing new to post about him. Oh, here's something: It is getting pretty chilly here in OK, so we wear under armor at cross country a lot. When he wears under armor pants, you can totally see his bulge. It seems to me that he hasn't got anything tp be ashamed of...in fact, I think he should be pretty proud.

We have latin Note Cards due tomorrow, and while thirteen may not seem like too many, but I put ten terms on each card. 130 words. It is hard. But seriously, latin is, like, the hardest language ever. I mean, you have to remember part of speech, gender, declension, conjugation, case, tense, and many, many other things. My latin teacher keeps stressing that there are only three tenses in English, but there are six in Latin: Present, Future, Past Perfect, Past Imperfect, Pluperfect, and Future Perfect. Then she says that in English there's just past, present, and future. But there's actually past, past perfect, present, present perfect, future, and future perfect. So it's really not that big of a deal. But remembering the various cases is. There is nominative, accusative, genitive, ablative, dative, and vocative. The different cases of each noun depends on their declension, which there are five of. Declension is kinda like conjugation, but it applies to nouns and adjectives, not verbs. Well, I'll stop being a Latin teacher now. We had an academic team competition yesterday. We got second, again. But that's okay. What's really bad is that there was a hot guy who was being the moderator who was totally making my gaydar go CRAZY (I'm pretty sure he was a junior in highschool). Anyways, I heard his name once, but I couldn't remember it. So in between rounds, I see him and he says "Hi Jim." And I say, "Hi, I can't remember your name." I seem to make an asshole out of myself a lot. Then there's kinda an awkward silence for a minute, and I say, "This would be the part where you tell me your name." So he tells it to me, and I try not to start crying as I walk away. I was very rude. Whatever. -psychic psychopath

Matthew, perhaps I should tell you about the things I have dealt with, and then you can see why I can honestly say things will get better. I had a mean and abusive father who hated me for my, to put it blatantly, homosexuality. He did not know that I was gay, but my lisp and my infatuation with pink was enough to make him hate me for being me. He loved (and loves) my sister to death, and never even touched her. She was the good child in his eyes. I was the scum on the bottom of his shoes. He abused me, both physically and emotionally, and I still have a hard time dealing with older males because of him. I'm not going to say that there were never good times, because there were. Like when he was taking my sister to the amusement park and my mom made him drag me along. My parents are divorced now, thank God, and it's been a while since I last saw him. I was made fun of a LOT when I was younger, by my male classmates. I started hearing the word "Fag" in my sleep. The people who made fun of me never actually fought with me, but they did gang up on me a lot in dodgeball. They never stopped making fun of me. The climax of my father's abuse and my classmate's offense came in fifth grade, and it became so bad that I suppressed almost an entire year of my life from my memory. I remember crying myself to sleep every night becuase crying was the only way to get the emotion out. But now, I have a lot of friends, mostly female but a few male. And the male friends that I have are very close. My father is mostly out of my life, my mother is driving everyone around her crazy, and everything that happened in the past is staying in the past. I am now (more or less) normal, and not even close to being suicidal. Even during my ordeal, I wasn't suicidal. This post is not to gain pity, but to tell you that it will get better, it just might take a little time. Who knows, you just might meet your one true love pretty soon, and then you'll never need anything else as long as you live. Not that I'd know, I'm still a virgin...

Here's my view: I've been through some not-so-easy stuff, and still I never even contemplated suicide. To me, suicide was ridiculous. I always held on to the idea that the pain would end, that life would get better. It did. My life got a lot better, and now those times when life sucked major ass are just a bad memory. I'm sure that if you're considering suicide this much, then your problems are much worse than mine. But when you're at the bottom, the only way to go is up.

I had a LOT of homework in my Computer Programming class. Normally it's a blowoff class, but my teacher got pissed and assigned us a lot of homework. He so crazy. Hot Cross Country guy very nonchalantly called me his friend last night. I won't give the full details, but he was introducing me to someone and he said, "This is my friend Jim." I just about melted on the spot. He called me his friend! Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We had a soccer game today, and I had to play goalie because our regular goalie broke his wrist, so I'll be playing that position for a while. Like, for the rest of the season. I really hate playing goalie, and in the end we tied the team 0-0 because I was playing goalie. I usually have at least one assist per game, despite the fact that I'm a defender, but I was stuck in goal. That's all for today. I'm gonna go get hammered and do some drugs then go sleep with strangers in an elevator. Translation: I'm going to bed because I have church tomorrow. I dislike organized religion. -psychic psychopath

It''s too long for a fictional blog. I wrote six pages already, and I'm not even done with the first day.

"you so crazy" is my new favorite saying. I say it in my very realistic fat black girl voice. It cracks people up. I must say that I am very jealous of Green. Hehehe, I'm GREEN with envy. I'm going for world's corniest jokes. I think I'll win. But anyways, I'm really jealous because I haven't even had one boyfriend yet, and he has guys lining up to date him. I wish Hot Cross Country guy would do that. Speaking of Cross Country...we're doing weight lifting and stuff, you know? Well, we did some stretch yesterday and today my ass hurt so bad it seriously felt like I got butt-raped. Which actually wouldn't be too bad.... In other news: I have started writing a new story. It's a fictional journal, similar to "The Secret Life of Billy Chase" by Comicality, but it will have no coherent plot. It's just the ranting of a fifteen-year-old drama queen. I like it, so far. That's really all. The demonic car has not attacked recently. Yay!!!!!! -psychic psychopath

I agree, lib. Chaz is an angel, and Julio is a human. I've always liked Chaz better, but that's because I never trust anyone named "Julio". I remember being a six-year-old, and my mom had a friend named Julio whom she tried to introduce me to. Usually I was good with adults, but with him, I refused to look at him and cried when my mom tried to make me talk to him. I was a weird six-year-old. Now, this is all just to tell you to hang in there, Green, for better days are coming. I know it for a fact.

So, my day was normal and boring until about 9:15. And since then I have had occurences so odd that they deserve a second blog entry for tonight. I went running earlier, and I'm about six hundred meters from being done with my first mile, when I hear crazed barking. A dog runs up behind me and starts biting at my heels. Now, I'd say this dog is about half french poodle and half demon. It is a foot tall, evil, and barks none stop at me, all while biting my heels. So I start sprinting, and this dog speeds up and can actually keep up with me! You see, I run really fast, and this dog is tiny, but it can still keep up with me! So I sprint all the way home and run inside my door, and my mom gives me about five minutes to catch my breath and then tells me to go finish my running. She expects me to do well at Cross Country, and she will even be mean to me to make it happen. It's a good thing she's nice occasionally or I would really start to hate her. So I finish running and I come back inside, and I walked by the garage on my way upstairs. I heard this funny noise, so I go into the garage, and my sister's car is running. I look inside, and she's not in it, so I run upstairs and ask, "Do you know your car is running?" She says no and gets a shocked look on her face, then grabs her keys and tells me to go downstairs. She follows me into the garage, and I get into the car. I stick the key into the ignition. Nothing happens. I try to turn the car "on", which is weird because it's already on, and it gets this sound like it's about to catch fire. So my sister tells me to go wake my mom up, so I do, and she comes into the garage. My mom gets into the car and tries to shift gears, and the car turns off. Weirdest night ever. -psychic psychopath P.S. and even weirder yet; Snow Dog hasn't signed back on yet.

I had church and confirmation today. But that's all about that. I had subway for dinner today. But sadly, I didn't go with my mom to pick it up, so I didn't get to see hot cross country guy. He has really nice abs, and I was just thinking aout how great they are today. He has a wonderful six-pack, all cute and perfect. Hmmmmmmm. I have been talking to Snow Dog off and on all day, and right now he's off, but I want him to sign back on. I think he had to buy a dishwasher, or something. So, today was the last day that hilarious roommate was here. She's going back to St. Louis tommorow. I'm sad. Today I felt really good. It was a beautiful day and I loved it. Now I'm exhausted. My entries are becoming less and less coherent every day. Goodnight. -psychic psychopath

I agree with whomever sent you that email. It is a great story, and I can't wait for more! And I also first started reading Comicality's stories, but they kinda depress me. Poor Billy Chase, you know? Well, now I'm all sad.

I agree, girls do have coodies. Which is hypocritical, because right now I'm currently dating a girl (complete with coodies). But, I prefer the men. Or boys, occasionally.

I felt kinds bad today, so I decided I'd go for a run. Bad idea. I ate too much at dinner and then had a large chocolate milkshake. Do not run after doing this. I felt like shit. So, I want Snow Dog to sign back on to his messenger so I can talk to him. He's been off for a while. I'm bored. We had a visitor today. My mom's old college roommate. When I first met her I thought she was kinda milquetoast. It turns out she is the funniest person I have ever met. Yay! Snow Dog signed back on! I have decided that for our next date, girlfriend and I will go to subway. That way I can kill two birds with one stone: date AND check out Hot Cross Country guy at the same time. I'm multi-talented. Okay, so I need my meds. I'm being a little of-the-wall tonight. goodnight -psychic psychopath