Bev

Heya Chaz I know that you already know this, but I want to reasure you anyway, Green loves you to bits. He would never cheat on you. I understand that you are feeling really uncomfortable with Green being out with his ex, without you. If I was you, I would be too. But I honestly believe, that Green would never do anything to lead Julio on, or let him think that he has another chance with him. And Green knows what he has with you. You have both been through a difficult period and your relationship has come through stronger. You are doing the right thing. Instead of sitting and stewing, you are getting your thoughts written down and out in the open. When Green reads this, he will understand a bit more about you. As you well know, honesty and communication are the keys to a relationship. I don't think so. I think your concerns are quite natural. If you can, try to relax a bit. Green loves you to bits. He is probably telling Julio all about you and how much he loves you. It's the sort of thing he does, is it not? Bev

Heya Green and Chaz...or should that be Chaz and Green? I just wanted to say that I couldn't be happier for the both of you guys! Best wishes for the future... Bev

libbonobo Well, I agree with you and Rob who says that Green doesn't deserve to be alone. That is a given. Nobody deserves to be alone. But you know what, I don't think Green needs to be berated for his mistakes. We all make mistakes. Every person on this earth has made mistakes...some mistakes are small and of little consequence whilst others are huge and impact on everyone. Green knows that he has stuffed up. He knows that he has hurt people he loves. But he also knows that a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it. And he has learnt from it. This is true. But if you have never stuck your hand in a fire or have never been warned that the fire is hot, then how would you know that the fire burns? Lib, we all react differently to stress. Not all of us have had a happy life and when we are hurt, we sometimes protect ourselves the best we can. Trouble is, the way we protect ourseves, can unintenionally hurt other people. Green ran and hid and even lied, to protect himself. It was his own personal protection mechanism. But, at the time, he didn't know how his running and lying and hiding was affecting others. He knows now. Give him a break. He is punishing himself enough...we don't have to kick him too. Bev

Me too (on this occasion). They are just taking their time to lick their wounds. Good on you Green, for being courageous and speaking to both David and Chaz. Things are looking much better today. Bev

Green...You know what they say about hindsight? It's twenty/twenty. If we look at the mess of the things they are today, we can see clearly the mistakes of yesterday. Trouble is, that when we are making those mistakes, they don't look like mistakes at the time...they look like wise moves. But when push comes to shove, it is pretty pointless to beat yourself up about things that have or haven't been said or done. We all make the best decisions we can at the time. Maybe, it's permanent and maybe it's not. I have said before that your friends do love you unconditionally. It's just at this moment in time, they are reeling from 1) your news of the tumors and 2) the feeling that you don't trust them. They are hurting and you are hurting - pretty frankly there is pain all around. But I think that the issue is that you don't trust yourself, and not so much that you don't trust them. Remember when you got the news from the doctor and all you wanted to do was run away and hide from everyone and everything and curl up in a ball and wallow for a while? Maybe that is what Chaz and David are doing right now...wallowing. So, now you have two choices...you can either chase them and apoplogise and hound them until they accept your apology or you can give them both space and hope that they will come to the place where they will forgive you. You know your friends better than I do, but I remember all the chasing that Chaz did when he was trying to woo you...do you think he would liked to be wooed back? And in the process, you might have to do a lot of pride swallowing and humble pie consumption and grovelling on hands and knees. It was just a thought. As I said, you know him better than I do. I don't know what to say about the situation with your brother and your father and your mother and your stepfather. However I do know something. Just because your father made some mistakes in his life and ended up alone, doesn't mean that you will too. You can take this opportunity to learn from your mistakes. Never keep secrets from those you love the most. It's not worth it. And God, and isn't that the understatement of the century. One last thing Bev

Green I'm so so sorry that things have turned out the way they have. I am really hoping that everyones reaction to your news will only be temporary and because they are in shock. Bev

Heya Green Wow, you have been through the mill over the last few weeks. When you went to the doctors and he told you about the tumours, you had it in your mind that it was a death sentence. You had to face your own mortality. That is the funny thing about us humans, we will fight to live and we will fight to die. What I mean by this is that no one wants to die. All of us want to live forever but when the time comes, we want death to be on our own terms. Just ask the guy who has had half his body cut away and gone through the pain of chemotherapy or radiotherapy, fighting to survive each day. Just ask the woman who has had her body burnt in a fire and is stuggling on life support. Just ask the baby who was born premature and stuggles to breathe in a humidicrib. Each one is fighting for his or her life, fighting to survive. Then there is the person who is stuggling though life and wants to die, but when he is ready...and he doesn't have the strength to swallow the pills or throw himself off a tall building. Life and death...a small phrase that means very little to those who have never faced their own mortality. Death and life...the longest and most meaningful sentence in the world for those who are just taking each day at a time, hoping for strength to get through it or get it over with. Green, I read the second part of your story from the Shadow Boys. It really disturbed me with the scenes of death and pain and how you were trying to hide and run away from it all. But now it makes sense to me....sort of. In your story, almost everyone of your friends died...painfully...by an unknown assailant - "the man". In your story, you are facing death again, but you don't want to die...you are doing everything within your power to survive and ultimately, you go on with your life. It was almost a mirror image of what you thought was going to happen to you...a painful death while all your friends go on with their lives. Back to real life now...Green, when you have a chance to think about it, do you think your friends will understand the battle you have been fighting within yourself? Maybe the reason that you don't want to talk to your friends or your mother about it because you don't think that they will understand? Someone once said to me that they didn't want to talk about death or funerals because it was like inviting death to come to them. I could never understand that. Some people are so terrified that they will do or say something that will invoke the Grim Reaper to come and pay them a visit so it is better not to say a word and bury their heads in the sand. But being nothing better than an ostrich and keeping things inside ourselves and pretending that nothing is happening or that we aren't hurting, does nothing but make us sick and alienate those who are closest to us. Bard is right. Our lives affect those around us. And your friends love you unconditionally and unreservedly. They have been there for you on numerous occasions...sometimes to make your life better, sometimes to give you something to whinge about but mostly to love you and support you, even when you do stuff that, quite frankly, would p**s any one else off. Here is another couple of questions to ask yourself. If it was Chaz, who had gone through this, would you want to be there to love and support him or would you rather he kept it inside himself and pretended that nothing was wrong? What about your mum? Would you want her to lie and pretend to you while inside she was screaming for understanding? When you are ready to face your friends, who by the way love you unreservedly and unconditionally, and you tell them the truth about what you have been through and you fully explain why you feel the way you do and allow yourself to be supported, then you will know what it truely means to be a friend. Sometimes the greatest gift that we can give to someone we love is to let them see our weaknesses and let them help us as we struggle to overcome those weaknesses or to deal with them. I'm sorry Green, if I'm not sounding very supportive of you. I don't mean to be mean but I just had to say what I thought. Bev

Green, you made a tough decision to go back and talk to David. You should be proud of yourself. A lot of people would have held onto the resentment but you didn't... You deserve a big hug and a pat on the back. And, who knows, your relationship with David may be all the more stronger after this. Can I say congratulations on having such a great boyfriend in Chaz? He has stuck around and supported your friendship with David. And in doing so, he is supporting David too! He seems to be still surprising you with his depths and compassion. He deserves a great big hug. And poor David. No wonder he lashed out at you. That old cliche about 'hurting people hurt people' rings true again. I just want to give David a big hug too. all around... And my best hopes and wishes to you Green, and to David and Chaz. I hope everything continues to work out with you guys. Bev

Green...I am so so sorry that you are hurting right now. It sucks when someone you love, you trust and who you share your life with, turns around and hurts you. I think the pain worse because we have let them in, past all the brick walls that we erect to protect our hearts. You said that David is like family...families are notorious for causing pain to each other. And we usually do it without realising it. Caipirinha is righ when he said that you will probably get a lot of advice in replies. Though most replies will be good and of some use, you will have to sift through them all to find out what suits your situation the best. Green, I don't know what else to say... But, I think you will have to ultimately ask yourself some questions... Can you forgive David for what he said about you and about Chaz? Is your relationship with David worth all the stress he is putting you through? Do you feel that David has betrayed you? Do you feel that you have emotional supported David and he stabbed you in the back? Wouldn't it would be nice if we had the ability to turn back time and things that we said or did and things that were said to us or done to us would have never existed. You are probably going through a tangle of emotions right now: anger, loss, betrayal, grief, abandonment and disapointment may be part of them. Don't let yourself be run over by them, Green. Take your time and think fully over what you want to do. Be honest with yourself. Remember that the emotions that you are feeling are appropriate and that there is nothing wrong with any or all of them. It is so easy to say 'forgive David' but that is easier said than done....and if you think you can forgive him, you have to come to that decision yourself. And that forgiveness, can take time...just an "I'm sorry" may not be enough for you. Even if you think your relationship with David can survive this, it may still take a long time before you can trust him again. Green, as I said before, I am so sorry that things are going so badly with your relationship with David, and that you are hurting so much, especially as things are going so well with you and Chaz and that you were planning something special for your anniversary. Bev

Heya Kevin I got through it all too! Kevin, I think you have a lot of interesting things to say and I know there are heaps of people around here who really appreciate your love, care, concern, your willing ear and your ready shoulder and that you are never backwards in coming forward and offering support. No one is totally happy 100% of the time. And to pretend to be happy all the time is just plain hard work. You know what I think sucks the most? When people you care about, those who you let in past the brick wall, dump on you and don't give you the same love, respect and trust that you give them....and then you end up blaming yourself for something they have or haven't done! Been there, done that, got the t-shirt and still wear it from time to time. Kevin, you know how we are to love others as we love ourselves? Maybe we need to turn that around and LOVE OURSELVES AS WE LOVE OTHERS! Loving yourself can be a really difficult lesson to learn. But on the other hand, hating yourself or your life is exhausting. So, here I offer a couple or eight of suggestions... *keep talking or typing about what is bothering you. There is a myriad of friends here who are waiting for the opportunity to bless you as you have blessed them, *find someone you trust and really talk to them, (I know that is a tad repetative but it is the most important thing to do when you are feeling depressed or angry), *being angry or upset about something doesn't make you a failure, it makes you a human being, *remember a mistake isn't a mistake if you learn from it (vague reference to drinking so much that you wake up sick), *the definition of a success is a person who gets up one more time than they fall down, *february is the shortest month, so keep putting one foot in front of the other for as long as you are able, *the light that you see at the end of the tunnel is not the head lamp of an oncoming train...it is an actual light - spring is on it's way, and last but most importantly, send the chocolate mountain my way... Bev

Two of my really truly favouritist sayings:- Being deeply loved by someone give you strength; Loving someone deeply gives you courage. - Lao Tzu The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that we are loved; loved for ourselves, or rather in spite of ourselves. - Victor Hugo Bev

Heya David Happy Chinese New Year! I'm sure that when everything gets in full swing again and you don't have time to turn around, you will be motivated to do your thesis and then you will struggle to find the time. That's just how life is. Strange huh? When we are busy, we can seem to be able to manage to find the time to do things we really want to do but when we have nothing to do, we hardly do anything...even those things we really need to do. I'm sure when you finally get it done, you will be pleased with your result. Bev

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas. Because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. - Demitri Martin I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. - Will Shriner Such is life - Last words of Ned Kelly before he was hanged I love Australia. It's just like America but another country. - Serena Williams at the Australian Open two weeks ago Sanity is the last refuge for those who lack creativity - Unknown These are my principles and if you don't like them...I have others. - Groucho Marx If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one? - Abraham Lincoln Imagine if there no hypothetical situations... - John Mendosa Bev

Thanks Bard...oh wait...that wasn't meant as a compliment was it? :wacko: Usually I am accused of thinking shallow and meaningless thoughts as opposed to deep and meaningful ones. Hehehe. Now back to the story... I think he gets his memories back because of the last thing Connor said. I would love to know what happens next but will Green tell us? I don't think so... this story is meant to stand alone. Bev

Heya Nick! Don't be embarrassed about having bad dream and nightmares. We all have them from time to time. Usually it's a way for our brain to try to process the imput we give it. Actually, your dream sounds like that you want to get to your mum but you feel totally helpless about it. Sounds natural to me, considering all the stuff you are going through. Actually, it's the wise thing to do. When you talk about what is bothering you and you listen to yourself, you can start to make sense of it all. Bev

Heya Green! That was a fabulous story....I thought it was like a story within a story within a story. Sorta like a chinese puzzle box. In the place of the twelve shadows there is an other shadow and within that shadow, there are multiple shadows. It's a place where what you see is not what you think you see and what you see is not necessarily what you get. This line really got me... In the story, I saw Connor living his life, taking one step forward and two steps back. He was avoiding those who wanted to get close to him but when he decided to take two steps forward, no one was around for him. And after he took that fateful decision, he was given another decision...whether to go back and relive that moment and take it back or whether to get a new life. Hmmm...I wonder if Connor would have chosen to relive that moment, if he had known that his new life was going to be his old one. He had limited information and made his decision based on that imformation. I wonder if he would change the way he lived his life and intead of taking the two steps back, he embraced it or if he repeated the same old patterns. Or maybe I'm over thinking it... Looking forward to the next story in the series Green Bev

Okay, Hi_College_Guy. I can understand that you might be getting tired of the 'hang on because it will get better' that everyone has said. And at the risk of sounding like a broken record...I'm gonna agree. So, how about another take on the subject. I know that you feel like you have no reason to keep living and that it is too painful for you with life the way it is. Yeah, and I agree...life is pretty painful at times. I wont lie. You aren't stupid, so there is no point in lying to you. And you aren't a child, so there is no point in talking to you as if you were. Okay, the big question...If you could change your life...or if you could see any change in your life, what would it look like? Would you want to be accepted for you? Would you like your mum and the rest of your family to accept your sexuality? Would you like God to tell you that he created you the way you are and you don't have to change? Just think about it for a while. If you have some definite questions you just might be able to find some answers. And If you can see some sort of vision for your future, you might be able to take some steps to make that vision become reality. For instance, if you want to be accepted for you...well, you have taken the first steps. You are accepted for you here. And if you look around, you might be able to find other places where you can be accepted as you. Sometimes, we have to get out of our comfort zones and do something that feels a little less safe, so we can find people who will accept and love us for us. Bev

Heya Kevin! You should be proud of yourself! I'm not very good at keeping New Year Resolutions so that's why I don't make any I don't drink at all, but that is just me. However I find that I am the designated driver and that doesn't bother me at all. The worst part is everybody trying to buy me alcohol and when I refuse, they don't understand, so I make up a lame excuse. :wacko: Well, you have, haven't you? Don't be too hard on yourself. You've done so well, so far. Just take it one day at a time. Now this is something you should be proudest of. I hope that you can keep it up! I never learnt to swim until I was in my 20's. So here are my tips.... If you can manage it, see if you can sign up for adult swimming lessons. Everyone there will be in the same boat as you and you will learn from the experts. If you decide to go it alone, start off trying to get your face in the water...now it sounds easy enough but when you have never done it before it can be scary. Also, try to blow out of your nose while your face is in the water, see if you can make bubbles. It, sounds a bit silly, but it is a good way to teach yourself that you have control in the water. Try to stay in your depth and float on your back. Now this is harder than it sounds at first but if you relax as much as possible and imagine that you are laying on your bed, it can be done. I taught myself to float on my front before I learnt how to float on my back. Above all, have fun and make sure there are people around, in case you get into trouble. Bev

I think this is a great idea Kevin...we are all gonna learn heaps of interesting and not so interesting facts. Okay...I'm an Aussie gal so I would like to add a few facts (interesting or otherwise) about Koalas if I may... *Koalas are not bears, they are marsupials - that means they carry their babies in their pouches. *They have two thumbs on each front paw - it helps them to climb. *Koalas sleep up to 21 hours a day (what a life!) *They communicate with each other by making a noise that sounds like a snore followed by a belch *A koala's urine smells a bit like eucalyptus oil. (I know this because I have been wee'd on by a koala when I happened to be under a tree he/she was asleep in at the time). Bev

So pretty much you are saying that it is all about putting labels on people. 'You are gay because...' or people removing the labels and replacing them with an alternate 'I am not gay because...' I think as a society, we have a tendancy to put people in boxes. And we do that to ourselves. Even when we try to rebel against 'society' by jumping out of a box, we end up putting ourselves in another box. Is this right? Bev

Heya David I can relate to you having very little to do and being bored and not being motivated to finish your thesis. Us human beings are funny things, aren't we? When we are really busy, we seem to fit more things into our schedules than possible, and when we have little to do, we don't feel motivated to do anything at all! But I'm sure that something will happen to fire you up again, so you can finish your work. David, I'm not as clever or as decorative as some people around here but I was wondering if you can explain what 'personal trajectory', 'social constructionism' and 'essentialism' means? Cheers Bev

Heya Kevin Can I just say that I like the idea of a resolution of giving something up but not really... We don't have Reeses Cups in Aus although I have heard of them...and they sound totally yum! However we have Tim Tam biscuits. They are chocolate bikkies with a layer of chocolate cream in the centre and covered with chocolate. My faves are Caramel Time Tams. They have a caramel layer in the centre instead of chocolate cream. Yummy yum yum yum! I think caramel and chocolate are a marriage made in heaven. Several years ago I made a New Years Resolution that I found was quite easy to keep. I resolved never to make any New Years Resolutions! And...to this day...I have held fast to that resolution. You know how everyone says that a new year can mean a clean slate and new begingings? I think that you have taken that literally with the move to Houston. All the best to you for the New Year and the new home and all the new friends you will make in your new home town. Bev

I would think very carefully before following this suggestion by Viv. My kids used to tell me not to sing in the car...I say used to - because when they did, I sang even louder (and worse) and whats more, if they complained further, I used to wind down the window so everyone could hear me sing! I'm such a loving mother.

"why do people have broken logic." I think that is a really good question and one that is not asked often enough Bao. Or maybe we don't question our own logic enough... I think there are a myriad of reasons why people use broken or flawed logic. Sometimes it's used to blame a person or people for something when things don't go to 'plan' or the when things go wrong. Sometimes it's used to ease a consience when people feel a certain guilt or helplessness. Sometimes people use it to divert attention from themselves and their own inadequacies (either consciously or subconsciously). And sometimes it's easier to hold fast to flawed logic than to seek out the truth. As James said, "broken logic isn't broken in the eyes of the person expressing it." "the katrina thing where people are saying its a punishment from god. " This is a perfect example of finding someone to blame. 'It's not my fault - it's their fault!' Doesn't that remind you of a child that has just been caught doing something he or she knows better than to do? Hurricanes have happened in the past and will happen in the future. It was unfortunate (for wont of a better word) that Katrina hit landfall where there were many people, who were unable to get out. Bao, you can't always get away from people who say stupid things because they are too ignorant and they couldn't be bothered to find out the truth on the matter or even people who claim to be your friends and they still judge you. I think some people use the Bible as their weapon of choice - although most of those people have never read it and quote something they heard once that sounded reasonable. I've done a bit of Bible study and if you need help when someone says something stoopid PM me and I'll help you out as best I can. Bev

slaveboy...Just like your mum, I am equally gifted in the art of singing out of tune and off key and sounding like a cat in a tumble dryer ( not that I would ever put a cat in a tumble dryer ) This may not be the answer you want but I think you should be generous - it's Christmas time and all - and let your mum sing as badly as she wants as often as she wants. And invest in some earplugs! Bev