LittleBuddhaTW

I tried the whole "English teaching" thing the first two years I was here ... and it's not about teaching at all, but making money for the owner of the school, so it ended up being more stressful than anything else I've ever done. I've had too much time to decompress, probably, since the past year all I've done is stay at home and work on my thesis. Since I have a scholarship, I don't really have to work, and I finished my thesis (at least the writing part of it) pretty fast. So, I feel like I need to get started on my future career, whatever that may be ... *sigh* But thanks for the suggestion!

My stomach bug has cleared up for the most part, thankfully. On the down side, the few extra kilograms that I was hoping I would lose from it didn't go away, so I might have to actually start exercising or something ... *GASP* Ch. 5 of SOOTB is already posted on my website for those who can't wait for Nifty. It will be up on Nifty late Friday night or early Saturday morning, probably. I'm still fretting about my future. I know I'm not "old" at age 28 (although I certainly have been feeling it lately), but I need to make some decisions. The stress of the Ph.D. exam is driving me crazy, but I'm just so burned out from studying so much over the past three years, that I still can't seem to get myself together to get ready for this one big test. If I don't get into the Ph.D. program, I'll most likely be moving back to the States and get a job as a translator/interpreter or teaching Mandarin ... there's not much else you can do with a M.A. degree in Chinese. After living here for five years, building a life, accumulating tons of stuff (mostly books), and, of course, my three cats, it would be a pain in the ass to move all the way back to the States. Ugh ... BTW, the last chapter of "Desert Dropping" was great. I can't wait to read the next chapter of "With Trust" ... the more I read, the more I'm falling in love with Nelson ... although if made to choose, I'd still rather share my bed (among other things) with Rory ... hehe

I'm thinking of researching the construction of masculinity in Chinese cultural history, as well as using Eve Sedgwick's theory of "homosocial desire" to interpret/analyze male-bonds/friendship in Chinese culture and, more specifically, literature. Whether or not I get into the Ph.D. program is another matter, though ... hehe If not, I'll probably end up going back to the States and get a job working for the government.

Dom + shirtless = me drooling Please don't mention yourself being shirtless in another blog entry, Dom, or I might have to faint ... hehe

I've had a horrible stomach bug for the past few days ... I won't go into details, but it hasn't been pleasant. Needless to say, I've spent most of the past several days in bed (or in the bathroom), and haven't gotten anything done. Not that I have the motivation to do anything, but I still need to at least finish what needs to be finished. Hopefully tomorrow I can make a little headway on my Ph.D. research proposal, and finish up with Ch. 9 of SOOTB. Speaking of which, Ch. 4 should already be up at Nifty now, and is on my website, too. Kitty has already finished editing Ch. 5, so everything is on schedule for the weekly update for next week as well. She's done a really terrific job, and if the story is any good at all, it's probably mostly because of her. As my English writing has started to improve again, though, my Chinese writing is going to hell, because I haven't written anything lately ... it's strange to have writer's block in one language (Chinese) and not the other (English) ... I didn't think it worked like that. Maybe I'll go write an entry in my Chinese-language blog, but I don't really have anything to say other than bitching about my life recently here in Taiwan, and that's not usually a very polite thing to do when you're a guest in a foreign country, and said country's residents are the ones reading your blog ... so I might wait until I'm in a better mood. Anyway, drop me a line if you're enjoying the story, or if you happen to know of a cute Taiwanese guy I could date ... hehe

I've started a Yahoo group for anyone who wants to receive notification of new chapter postings and/or discuss "Someday Out Of the Blue" (and my other stories when I get around to them ... hehe): http://groups.yahoo.com/group/littlebuddhatw_stories The academic conference yesterday was ... interesting. When I went up to the table at the front and sat down where the "discussers" (people who critique the presenters' papers) sit, everyone in the room just stared at me ... obviously shocked that a "foreigner" was there to critique a paper in CHINESE by a Taiwanese grad student. I was obviously a little nervous speaking Chinese in front of so many people, but it went well, and the presenter accepted and agreed with all of my criticisms, which hopefully will help her, since the paper she presented is a portion of her M.A. thesis. The main problems I found with her paper had to do with research methodology, which is something they don't teach here. Taiwanese are VERY good at taking tests, but when it comes to doing independent research, creative thinking, etc., they can't do it ... the education system here (heavily influenced by Confucianism) not only doesn't teach that kind of thing, but they actually discourage it. Apparently, having your own thoughts, questioning authority, and things like that are a no-no ... it's better to have 24 million little robots who all think the same ... and with that kind of attitude, how do they expect to have a successful democracy here? I've got three days off in a row now. Tuesday is a national holiday here, "228 Peace Day," to commemorate the "February 28th Incident," when, apparently, the Nationalist government (transplanted from mainland China after they lost the civil war to the Communists) massacred thousands of protesting Taiwanese (who are ethnically Chinese, but are now having an identity crisis ... it's complicated). Anyway, I really need to spend these three days making some ground on my research proposal, because I have to finish before my thesis editor leaves for Japan in April, so she can help me make corrections. By the way, if you read this, go immediately to your nearest CD store (or Amazon.com) and buy Elton John's latest CD, "Peachtree Road" ... you just have to, no arguing ... thank you ...

I've finally forced myself to sit down and start writing my research proposal for the Ph.D. program. I'm so burned out from writing, though, so it's hard to sit down and keep on writing even more. My thesis editor has finally gotten her act together (I think) and is working on the final stage of revisions, although I have to re-write a part of my conclusion, which is annoying. It also seems as though competition for getting into the Ph.D. program this year will be more difficult than I had expected (there are only two places available for foreign students per academic year). Tomorrow (Sunday) I have to attend an academic conference on Chinese literature studies and critique a paper by a grad student from National Central University (in Chung-li, Taiwan ... not that anyone reading this would know where that is ... hehe). I really don't feel like doing it, but it is kind of an honor for a foreigner to be invited to critique a Taiwanese student's research, and something that the other foreigners who are applying to the Ph.D. program haven't done. I've already had some of my research published already, which they haven't ... so, I'm hoping that these things will all help me to get into the program. Otherwise, I'm not sure what I'm going to do ... stay here and look for work, try again next year, or go back to the States and get a job as a translator/interpreter or something like that. **Sigh** Decisions, decisions ... needless to say, this is going to be a very stressful few months. I'm hoping to have Chapter 3 of "Someday Out of the Blue" posted sometime this weekend. It will be up on my website about 12-24 hours before it's posted to Nifty. I've been writing very fast, but I'm gonna have to slow down now that I really need to get to work on my academic stuff. Also, I managed to get rid of about 2/3 of that translation job I was given, so it shouldn't cut into my time too much now. My boss wasn't thrilled, but I explained to her that my school work right now was much more important, which it is ... getting into the Ph.D. program is my future ... I just hope I can get serious enough and be as prepared as I need to be.

**hugz** (and a quick peck on the cheek and tousle of the hair) to Nick. Hang in there buddy!

Maybe you should rent the 1999 movie "The Muse," with Albert Brooks, Sharon Stone, and of course, music by Elton John. The title track of the original motion picture soundtrack is quite inspiring ... When I can't find words and wisdom in my life And barriers abound Should I feel blinded by the light Knee deep up to my neck in heavy water I conjure up my muse She's my means to achieve a simple quota When it's make or break Make no mistake She appears like lightening in a bottle I catch the spark Oh she lights the dark The knot's undone the ideas come Like two hands on a throttle There's a place of one way streets and doubt No red lights ever change We wind up with no exit out Facts are facts and stumbling blocks delay the mind That's when my muse arrives To sew loose ends up in time (Music by Elton John; Lyrics by Bernie Taupin)

Naked men are NOT ugly ... especially not tall, thin, kinda goth looking ones ... they're really hot. And yes, rotisseries are fun ... I've been through two already ... D

I've also really enjoyed my time here so far, and everyone has been very friendly and supportive. At first, I just came here to read DomLuka's stories, but then started participating in the Domaholics forum, then started up a blog, and finally decided to do some writing of my own ... and it's all been a lot of fun. So, thank you to everyone at GA for all the hard work you do! LBTW

Basically, I'm an idiot ... I can make simple web pages with Netscape Composer, but I have no idea how to make logos (and don't even have the software to do so even if I did) ... so anywho, I'm hoping that there is some kind soul out there who would be willing to help me make two logos ... one banner for the top of a page I'm working on, and one smaller one for the story I'm working on ... of course you'd be given credit for your work on the page. Anyway, if you'd be willing to help, please PM me and I can let you know more specifically what I'm looking for (which isn't that much, I just need something simple). THANKS!

I appreciate all of the replies so far, I've learned quite a bit. As a social scientist at heart, this is a really interesting topic for me, especially since my academic career revolves around homoerotic literature (albeit pre-modern Chinese homoerotic literature). I too have read some really good gay male erotica by women writers, and at first it surprised me how well it was written, and how they seemed to be able to get into the psyche of a gay teenage male so well. What would really be interesting if there were any gay male stories out there written by a straight guy (and I don't mean "sorta straight," but a legitimately straight guy) ... now that would be fascinating. I'm a little offended that Bao thought my original post was "mean," but thank you to naper_vic for pointing out that that wasn't my intention at all. I think it's a very valid question, and one that many people have obviously been curious about ... and none of the women here who responded to it seemed to take offense at all. Anyway, thanks for all of the responses so far, and I look forward to hearing more!

I've always been curious as to why there seem to be so many girls/women who are fans of gay male erotic fiction ... any ideas? Here in Taiwan, young Taiwanese girls love Japanese gay manga (comic books) ... I've asked them why, and their only response is that they think it's "cute." Anywho, I'm really curious about this ...

What about a logo for DomLuka's new story, "With Trust"???

I finally got up off my lazy butt yesterday and forced myself to go to the supermarket and get some cleaning done, and today at work I worked a bit on the conclusion for my thesis, which is about halfway finished (the conclusion that is, the main text of the thesis is mostly done, save for a bit of revising and polishing up) ... it always seems, however, that the last little bit is the hardest to write, and although I know what I want to say, and even though it's mostly just re-hashing the main points of my thesis, I just can't seem to force myself to sit down and write it out at one sitting ... which I could do if I really wanted to. On the bright side (or maybe not-so-bright-side), I think I've read pretty much all of the good gay stories online now, so there's really nothing to keep me occupied except for my thesis and starting to prepare for my Ph.D. entrance exam (I swear I'll start preparing one of these days ... my goal is to at least get started by the middle of February ... we'll see if I can actually stick to that). However, being the lazy procrastinator that I am, I'm sure I'll find something else to keep me occupied besides what I should be doing. :wacko: On a positive note, yesterday I received an invitation to critique a paper on "Li Yu's Garden Life and Eremitic Thought" at an academic conference at the end of this month ... it kind of surprised me that they asked me, a foreigner, to critique a Taiwanese grad student's paper ... I didn't even know that I qualified as an "expert" on Li Yu (a writer/philosopher from the Ming/Qing dynasty period, very well known for his plays and novels), although I did publish a paper on a couple of his homoerotic short stories about a year and a half ago. It should be interesting, though ... So, now, I just REALLY need to get myself together and finish this goddamn thesis ... I've been working on it for like 1 1/2 years now ... if I actually get into the Ph.D. program, I don't know how I'm going to actually write my dissertation ... writing a M.A. thesis is hard enough ... and I keep getting distracted by these damn stories ... **sigh** I guess it's my way of living the kind of romantic life I wish I had vicariously through the characters ... pretty pathetic, huh?

Another Chinese New Year has come and gone ... it's now the Year of the Dog. I'm not much into Chinese astrology, so I have no idea if it's supposed to be an auspicious year or not ... I just know that it's been cold, rainy, and the locals have been shooting off firecrackers for the past twenty-four hours non-stop. Chinese New Year is always really boring for me ... everything shuts down and everyone goes to spend a week with their families. Being that I have no family in Taiwan, it's always just me and my cats. My first Taiwanese boyfriend, however, took me to his grandparents' house in Taichung (in central Taiwan) for my first Chinese New Year here, and that was pretty good ... lots of food and everyone was friendly ... but I've never really been into "family time," so I prefer being by myself. I still need to get cracking on the conclusion for my thesis. It only needs to be about five pages long, and I could probably crank it out in about two days if I put my mind to it, but I've been lazy (as usual) and have spent the last couple weeks sleeping, watching tv, reading stories online, and sleeping some more. Speaking of stories, however, I read a couple really good ones by Vance Lister. They could use a bit of editing and cleaning up, but the stories are really good, and very very moving: http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/shane http://www.nifty.org/nifty/gay/highschool/tyler That's about all I can think of to write for now ... I wish my life was a bit more exciting than it is so I'd actually have something interesting to write about. I certainly had an eventful life in high school and college ... I guess my life peaked too soon ... hehe l8r

I saw "Brokeback Mountain" this past Saturday evening, and the movie was early sold out when I reserved my tickets online early that morning. I have to say that it was one of the most moving films I've seen, regardless of the subject matter. Ang Lee is truly a remarkable director. It's amazing to me how realistically he captured the culture, way of life, and sentiment of the American West and cowboy lifestyle, considering that he's Taiwanese. I also admired that he portrayed it as a "love story" as opposed to a "gay movie." The film has already received quite a few Golden Globes (one of which went to Bernie Taupin, Elton John's long-time collaborator, for best song), and I can easily see it walking away with several Oscars. I was surprised at the ending (I'd never read the original shory story), and even cried a bit. It reminded me a lot about the Mathew Shepard case of severa years ago, and not surprisingly, very few Taiwanese I know have heard about that incident. So, I'm going to try to educate as many people as possible about that. In that respect, despite its conservatism, Taiwan is certainly a more tolerant place than America ... although many people still cannot accept homosexuality here, I have never heard of the kind of "gay bashing" that still goes on in America. Ang Lee is really an incredible director, and it makes me very proud that he is Taiwanese, and that I am living in his home country. The people here adore him, and he is a national hero to them. There has been nothing but praise for his film here, and none of the controversy and protests that have occured in the States. For Taiwanese, it seems as though they love the film because it was made by Ang Lee, and pretty much ignore the subject matter. The entire audience was dead silent throughout the film, which was a bit unusual for here. A lot of times, when something "awkward" or "uncomfortable" happens, Taiwanese tend to laugh about it, and that's what I figured would be the reaction during several points in the film, but it didn't happen once. I think everyone was truly moved (or was it stunned?) ... after the movie, no one really knew what to say. I still don't really know what to say ... I was very impressed.

It's been really warm here the past few days ... I swear, I hate the weather in Taiwan! Just last week, I had to wear layers of clothes just to keep barely warm, since they don't have heating here (and I won't get one of those space heaters 'cause I don't trust my cats around them). The past two days, though, have been really warm. I've had to open the windows, which hasn't really helped much (plus they're letting in a lot of mosquitoes) ... I've contemplated turning on the air-conditioner, but that just doesn't seem right in friggin' January ... plus, I like to save on my energy bill during the winter, since in the summer I have to have both air conditioners going almost constantly and ending up paying a lot on my utilities (and summers here are from like April until November). I finished the rough draft of the last chapter of my thesis. I've still got some revising to do, as well as the conclusion, but I feel like the hardest part is over. So, I've been totally vegging out so far this weekend and don't feel bad about it for once. I've even started writing my first ever story. I've already finished the first chapter, but I'm gonna wait until I've finished a few more before I start posting it at Nifty, in case I end up getting back-logged or something ... I hate it when I have to wait longer than usual for a new chapter of a story I'm reading, so I want to make sure that if/when I post it, people won't have to wait too long. I don't think I'm a very good writer ... I'm pretty confident in my research abilities, and I can write academic stuff pretty well, but fiction is something I've never really tried. Tentatively it's called "Someday Out of the Blue." Over and out!

I've had even more free time than usual over the past couple of weeks (and I had *tons* of free time before that!), but now that I have even more free time, the lazier and lazier I've become. I mean ... I *should* be finishing my thesis, but I just don't feel inspired. There are also a couple of other projects that I'm interested in, but I don't want to get caught up in any of those until my thesis is finished ... kind of like a Catch-22, I suppose. Anyway, one of the projects I want to work on is a paper (in Chinese) for the academic journal Chung-wai Literature. I'd like to write a summary/book review of a really great book that came out last year called The New Gay Teenager (Princeton: Princeton University Press, 2005). It's a really fascinating look at the "new gay culture" among teenagers in America, how they define/categorize themselves, and in general how American society has changed ... and in terms of gay youth and homosexual studies in general, things have changed *a lot* since I was in high school (9 years ago seems sooo long! hehe) Anyway, it's a really excellent book that I recommend to anyone, and it presents a fairly new theory called "personal trajectory," which is a bit different from the old "Social Constructionism" and "Essentialism" theories that were the main focus of gay studies only a decade ago. I guess I just need to find some sort of focus or inspiration ... or find my center again. I've even run out of new stories to read online, so I really have no idea what to do with myself. I KNOW I should just finish up with the last half a chapter and conclusion of my thesis ... if I really dedicated myself, I could finish it up within a week ... but after writing so much already over the past year, I just don't have the energy to do it. And to top that off, once that's finished, I have to start preparing for the entrance exam for the Ph.D. program, which will cover the history of Chinese literature ... and there's over 2,500 years of that to cover ... so, it's not going to be that easy. I also have to give an oral defense of my thesis twice, once for my M.A. degree exam, and again for the Ph.D. program entrance exam. That shouldn't be too bad, because I like to debate ... the only thing I'm worried about is getting some 80-year old homophobic professor on the committee who will shoot down my research just because it's "gay" ... oh well ... I think my research is solid, so I shouldn't worry. But besides all of this academic crap, I just really need to get a more interesting life. I had SO much fun in high school and college, tons of friends, was always going out and having fun ... and now everything is so different. It was a bit better when I was working and had stuff to do, but now I only work 6-9 hours/week (I have a scholarship so I don't need the money), so I just sit around ... and I don't know very many intellectually stimulating people ... and Taiwanese boys can just be *weird* sometimes ... so I just need to figure out what I want to do with myself now ... **sigh**

My opinion on the Taiwan/China issue is the same as the US government ... maintain the status quo ... a "One China Policy," but maintaining a de facto "independent" Taiwan. I also support the US position that Taiwan needs to boost its military expenditures, which is having a lot of trouble in the Taiwanese legislature right now ... and the president (Chen Shui-bian) is pretty much a lame duck (and he still has more than two years left in his term). The guy to watch in Taiwanese politics now is the current mayor of Taipei city/chairman of the Nationalist Party, Ma Ying-jeou. He has a Ph.D. in law from Harvard, brilliant guy, speaks fluent English, and has a good understanding of international relations. The current president is basically a country bumpkin in a suit. And if DD24 doesn't come out within the next 24 hours or so ... I think I'm gonna have a conniption fit! hehe David

Well, it's already 9:00 AM on New Year's Day here in Taipei ... a few more hours until it's New Year's back in the States. It was a blissfully uneventful New Year's Eve spent watching TV, napping, and laying around doing nothing, except for spending a couple hours yesterday afternoon with my classmate/thesis editor discussing my thesis over coffee. I've got six chapters to revise (some more than others), and still have to finish the last half of my final chapter ... If I can just get my lazy butt in gear, I should (hopefully) be able to get some work done today (after a few cups of coffee at least) and tomorrow. The next big holiday will be Chinese New Year, in about a month or so, which means a week off from work and school, and another party at my friend Bret's house (my American professor friend who teaches Chinese history here in Taiwan). By that time, hopefully my thesis will be done and I'll be busy preparing for the written portion of the entrance exam for the Ph.D. program. The New Year celebrations sounded pretty tame last night, which was surprising. The Taiwanese (especially those in Taipei) love noise, and I was surprised that I didn't have my ear drums shattered. They had municipal elections a few weeks ago, and that has to have been one of the most annoying events I've ever had to live through ... little blue trucks driving through the neighborhoods 24/7 with speakers blaring election messages, bullhorns, foghorns, firecrackers, rallies, parades ... all at all hours of the day and night constantly for a few weeks. They get into their elections here like nothing I've ever seen. The last presidential election wasn't even as bad ... the next one is coming up in 2008 ... at least it'll give my poor ears a rest for a couple years. But ... I still have to be woken up occasionally at 4 a.m. by firecrackers and parades for weddings and ceremonies at the local Taoist temples (WHY do they have to do that at 4 in the friggin' morning?!?! ), and wading through the thick black-grey smoke from the "ghost money" that they burn for their relatives and the various "gods" twice a month which only adds to the already horrible level of pollution in Taipei. I can't wait until I get my Ph.D. and can get a job as a professor at a nice, quiet university in the countryside in southern Taiwan ... **sigh** I also started reading the story "Laika" last night. So far, I really like it. I'm also writhing in anticipation for Ch. 23 of "Desert Dropping". Another one that I've enjoyed is "My New Brother" by Graeme ... I like things that are unique, and it's written from the perspective of a str8 boy who is trying to come to terms with some of his friends turning out to be gay. That's it for now! Happy New Year to everyone!

Haha ... glad to see that everyone's taken an interest in my tattoos ... The correct romanization is "fo" (not "fu"), and it does refer to "Buddha" ... being Buddhist and all. I got it back when I was still in Florida, sort of as a permanent reminder to myself that regardless of whatever sh*t I come across or get into in my life, that is where my real path lies ... kind of hard to forget when I have to see it every day when I'm washing my crotch in the shower! And I'm not that "intellectual" really ... I'm just good with languages/literature, and particularly like what I'm researching (homoeroticism in pre-modern Chinese literature) ... I got into it about 7 years ago when I read the book "Passions of the Cut Sleeve: The Male Homosexual Tradition in China" (Berkeley: University of California Press, 1990) by Bret Hinsch. After I relocated to Taiwan, I found out that Bret Hinsch had been living here for the past 15 years and teaching Chinese history at a university in Taiwan, so I met up with him and he's been a great friend and mentor since. It's not always easy living here, but he's been my rock. Anyway, thanks to everyone for your welcomes. I'll post another boring entry to my blog later today after I get back from meeting with my "xue jie" (senior female classmate) to discuss my thesis! David

Well, this is my first time writing a blog in English ... I have another blog in Chinese, but unless you can read Chinese, that probably wouldn't be very interesting to most people. Today has been a pretty uneventful day ... just three hours of work in the morning, and now I'm home for the weekend. I need to get my M.A. thesis finished, and hope I can make a good bit of progress on the last chapter this weekend. I'm meeting tomorrow afternoon with one of my older classmates to help me make revisions (Chinese isn't my native language, so gimme a break ... I occasionally make grammatical and usage mistakes! hehe) After that I'll just veg out and/or work on my thesis ... no plans for the New Year either. Because of my thesis writing (and my own laziness/malaise), I haven't been dating for the past few months. I've dated four Taiwanese boys in the past five years that I've been here, but I'm kind of tired of that right now ... even though I'm supposedly an "expert" on Chinese culture and can speak the language fluently, there are still a lot of cultural differences to overcome ... two of the biggest obstacles are how important "family" and "kinship" ties are to Taiwanese/Chinese (I've never been big on the concept of "family") ... and the maturity level of younger Taiwanese guys is much much lower than their counterparts in the West. I guess I'm an "intellectual," and most younger gay guys here only care about clothes, clubbing, and the latest cell phone designs ... kind of hard to find someone who is both "deep" and attractive. But then again, would it be much better in the States? Anyway, I've rambled on enough for today... hopefully I'll be able to keep this up (writing a blog, that is) ... we'll see how it goes! Maybe one day I'll even get up the nerve to write a story of my own ... hehe