Conflagration

I hate airplanes. I mean they are boring, you always end up where you started, and the flight attendants are always complete bitches. Seriously, I hate airplanes. These thoughts and many more went through my head as I got off the 5-hour flight from California. I mean, seriously, 5 hours to go across the country. What is this world coming to? “Flight 17 to Charles De Gaulle Airport in Paris will be leaving in 30 minutes please go to Gate...blah blah blah...” sounded a nasally voice over t

Changes always hurt, but when he moves from the sun capital of the world to the "Garden State," Michael discovers there's a brighter side to all things dark.

I'm not entirely sure why, but until now, I had decided to drop off the radar (in terms of this site). I was going through a really bad time in my life, which I hope I never have to repeat. I think I've learned from my mistakes--and yata yata. It always perplexed me that I never really got that close with anyone through this site. I'm sure it was due to preoccupation/lack of effort on my part, but yeah...I guess I'm going to try again. Hope everyone (who I knew briefly) is doing well, Adam

Jonathan has abandoned me. After a week of not talking, I emailed him this: ---------------------------------------------- I always wondered what I would say to my best friend when I graduated high school. I mean I figured, maybe I could somehow turn it into a happy thing

People always say, "Don't worry, things will get better...blah blah blah." What these people don't understand is the future is just that the future. Not predictable, not controlable (although I've tried).... Lately, my depression is getting worse. Jonathan has purposely not talked to me in three days--even though he had plenty of opportunities today and I txted him and KNOW for a fact that he has his cell phone, because I saw him with it today. The Situation with Max just gets worse. Yesterday, he told me that I'm obtrusive and annoying all the time when I "barge into conversations and disrepect obvious manners." This is on top of me watching him hug his girlfriend today. I'm losing grasp on any friendships I've had...ever. And people say look to the future.... What a joke......

Hey- Thanks for all the comments guys, I really appriciate it. Max and the girl he likes are getting closer...I have to say, its hard, when I see them together to just pull back and get out of earshot so I'm not being intrusive. \ Today, the girl he likes, who I thought was angry at me, talked to me, (we used to be pretty good friends before Jon pretty much took the friendship), and thought that I would be really pissed at her. I really want him to be happy, but its hell watching them flirt from a distance. In addition, Jon is being an ass lately. I asked him to read something that wouldn't have taken more than fifteen minutes, but he refused (I know for a fact he wasn't busy at the time). Then he blocked me, and refuses to admit that he did. Finally, my AP Computer Science (AB) Exam is tomorrow....wish me luck. -Adam

Sigh, lessee.... A long time ago, Max told me (I was the first to know) about the girl that he likes. As time passed, he explained that he was trying to push it down and not deal with it. I, however, was sitting on the side-lines in a little bit of an awkward position--listening to my crush talk about his crush, on a girl. So time passes, I get closer to Max, a little bit ago, we went to the mall with friends, and i sat alone next to him in the movie theater. Basically, this, and spending time with Max, cemented my crush. Poetically, and with the luck that seems to be unique to me, I am now spending my time trying to get him to get over his fear of being rejected in the long run, and ask her out. Why? Because she likes him. How do I know this? She told Jon, who told Max. At least I can take comfort in knowing that I did the right thing. I feel like complete crap--because even if Max doesn't ask her out, I am now positive that I never even had a chance. But, I put Max's happiness above my own. How ironic: [12:43:49 AM] Max: its just a nice feeling [12:43:56 AM] Max: what you've gone out after someone [12:44:03 AM] Max: who looks like a pretty bleak prospect [12:44:15 AM] Max: nd u successfully "get" them [12:44:27 AM] Max: to a point where u can make the decision [12:44:34 AM] AP Conflagrant: yes, and its also hell when they get farther out of ur reach lol

We think im OCD too. heheheh Thanks for reading--adam

Tonight was awesome. This AIM conversation explains why: [10:23:33 PM] AP Conflagrant: um well alexa, alicia, and me went to the mall (and we werent sure of max was coming) [10:23:39 PM] AP Conflagrant: so we ate dinner and had fun [10:23:40 PM] AP Conflagrant: then [10:23:44 PM] AP Conflagrant: max came [10:23:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: we went to starbucks [10:24:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: and then we got to the movie late [10:24:06 PM] AP Conflagrant: so ther were only pairs of seats [10:24:20 PM] AP Conflagrant: i sat next ot max [10:24:27 PM] AP Conflagrant: then alicia went with alexa [10:24:39 PM] AP Conflagrant: and max and i walked around the mall a lil till his dad got ther [10:24:56 PM] Julia: very cool [10:25:00 PM] Julia: what did you go see? [10:25:07 PM] AP Conflagrant: benchwarmers. ------- So yeah, it was lotsa fun. Alicia (a new friend), Jon, and me are going again tomorrow In other news, my friends and I think I'm bipolar, lol. I never really thought about it before....It makes sense though. The conclusion I have come to is that its not important .

Ive managed to piss Max off TWICE in the span of 10 hours....

I feel better than I have in a really long time....maybe ever Life is really going well, i knew certain things in my life were good (like the degree of acceptance towards my sexuality), but it seems everything is going in my favor now. Tomorrow, I am going to Max's house. Today was a little weird, because he didn't get home until like 10:45, so I didn't know whether I was going or not. Happily, it turned out in my favor. One of my friends, who I've been talking to more lately, seems to have a lot (I mean A LOT) in common with me, so that's kind of awesome . Jon's still being a good friend. I know my parents care more than ever; best of all I emotionally know it, not just mentally. I'm not quite stable, because my emotions vary with how things with Max are going, but when I was upset, I had multiple people to talk to.....this has (before the last like week) never happened in my life. I got a few of my friend's cellphone numbers, which for me was a big feat, because I rarely ever used my cellphone. I got my iPod today, and am listening to it as I type this, just to get a feel for it. I can honestly say....that I am happy on top of the world-adam (Listening to "Wings of a Butterfly"-HIM)

I'm starting therapy monday

Now its just a matter of keeping the happy (I started my anti-depressant today)!!!!!!!!!!!!!

OK, today was...interesting. First, my parents found a thing I had written a little while back about depression and suicide--lets just say it was vivid. Apparently, my dad found it and faxed it to my mom, and they both came down early because they were worried. Long story short--they had an "intervention." Everything went well though. More importantly, I came out to Max today Seriously, I thought I had gotten good reactions before, but his is by far the best. So he (ironically) asked me who I liked and we had a long conversation, where I wouldn't tell him, but I felt bad, because he had previously told me. So I told him that I'm gay: [08:15:01 PM] AP Conflagrant: ok...i got sumthing to tell u...which shouldnt do anything...but i kinda have to tell u now....um....im gay [08:15:22 PM] AP Conflagrant: well? [08:15:36 PM] Max: well wut [08:15:46 PM] AP Conflagrant: well....reaction.... [08:15:50 PM] Max: ummm [08:15:52 PM] Max: none? lol [08:15:56 PM] AP Conflagrant: heheh [08:16:03 PM] Max: shud i have one? lol [08:16:10 PM] AP Conflagrant: well i didnt no how u were g2 react, but nothing? [08:16:14 PM] AP Conflagrant: thats a new one [08:16:20 PM] Max: iono not much phases me [08:16:27 PM] AP Conflagrant: like i no u arent homophobic and crap [08:16:28 PM] AP Conflagrant: but like [08:16:34 PM] AP Conflagrant: u nvr no how ppl will react [08:16:38 PM] Max: hmm thats true So anyway, he was really good about it, and then I was assertive and: [08:23:48 PM] AP Conflagrant: would u wanna hear which guys i think are hot [08:23:49 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:23:55 PM] AP Conflagrant: it would amuse me [08:23:57 PM] AP Conflagrant: but like [08:24:07 PM] Max: iono sure [08:24:09 PM] Max: i wudnt mind lol [08:24:11 PM] AP Conflagrant: heheh [08:24:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: ur weird [08:24:17 PM] Max: interesting conversation [08:24:18 PM] Max: vertainly [08:24:20 PM] Max: certainlly [08:25:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: wat this one? [08:25:10 PM] Max: well i mean it would make interesting convo [08:25:13 PM] Max: if you brought that up [08:25:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: oh [08:25:15 PM] AP Conflagrant: yea [08:25:16 PM] AP Conflagrant: prolly [08:25:20 PM] AP Conflagrant: dun think i wanna tho [08:25:26 PM] Max: lol [08:25:44 PM] Max: iono like .... i think its kinda .... cool [08:25:53 PM] AP Conflagrant: wat being gay? [08:25:55 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:25:55 PM] Max: i mean like you like guys, girls like guys [08:26:03 PM] Max: so its like ... [08:26:08 PM] AP Conflagrant: yes that would make sense [08:26:08 PM] Max: more ppl giving good advice [08:26:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehehehe [08:26:20 PM] Max: iono seems that way anyway [08:26:25 PM] Max: that like .. the really ... guy-ish guys [08:26:28 PM] Max: suck at it lol [08:26:42 PM] AP Conflagrant: suck at wat? [08:26:54 PM] Max: advice on the topic of .... [08:27:12 PM] Max: more-than-friendly relationships ...... [08:34:46 PM] AP Conflagrant: i hope everyone is gay [08:34:59 PM] Max: lol [08:35:00 PM] AP Conflagrant: including u [08:35:01 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:35:06 PM] AP Conflagrant: i no ur not tho [08:35:10 PM] Max: haha how u kno? [08:35:12 PM] AP Conflagrant: well [08:35:13 PM] AP Conflagrant: i dont [08:35:14 PM] AP Conflagrant: r u? [08:35:15 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:35:20 PM] Max: i dont believe i am [08:35:23 PM] AP Conflagrant: hahah [08:35:35 PM] AP Conflagrant: interesting way of putting it [08:35:36 PM] AP Conflagrant: ... [08:35:38 PM] Max: lol [08:35:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: have u ever had an interest in another guy? [08:35:52 PM] AP Conflagrant: lol [08:36:10 PM] Max: hmmm [08:36:30 PM] Max: i think possibly, but it was like in a companionship way [08:36:43 PM] Max: like ... we match so well its like we're fckin family [08:36:45 PM] AP Conflagrant: sumone at school. or person i dunno [08:36:47 PM] AP Conflagrant: hehe [08:36:51 PM] Max: out o school [08:37:02 PM] AP Conflagrant: mm [08:37:03 PM] Max: we called him my lil brother tho And then, it got even better: I asked if he wanted to hang out on thursday (we have off) and he said sure and were making plans tomorrow. I even made a joke about him being gay later in the conversation. REALLY happy-adam

heheh--eh its not too bad, i dont really have the common, "i want my best friend" syndrome (thank god) and thanks Kevin oh--and LittleBuddha--i liked ur new story