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Another Gay Writer

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About Another Gay Writer

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  • Age in Years
    18
  • Gender
    Female
  • Sexuality
    Lesbian
  • Location
    Someone over the rainbow
  • Interests
    Acting, Film, Poetry, and many more.

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    esthernight1130

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  1. Seventeen-year-old Caroline Pan desires to get out from under the shadow of her megastar father, Aaron Pan, when she becomes obsessed with young singer and songwriter, Desmonda Potts. Desmonda desires to be top and is willing to do anything to advance her career. When these two meet, fires are set and headlines are made.
  2. Brian and I stood at the bay of the Brooklyn beach in suits. Brian holding the Urn. "I hope this is the right thing to do," I said. "Dad and I never talked about...this." "Yea, but who doesn't want their ashes spend around a beautiful beach," Brian said. "Yea, he probably would have thought it'll be nice." We stood there. Both one of us waiting for the other to open the Urn. "You got a poem or anything?" Brian whispered to me. "No, I don't have anything prepared." The Edwards, Tony, and Owen stood behind us. I turned around to see to everyone. "Would anyone like to say something?" There was a silence as everyone looks around waiting for someone to step up. Mr. Edwards finally stepped forward. "Jim...wasn't a saint. He definitely had flaws. Like we all do. He was troubled. But he had a big heart and he always wanted a better life for his sons. Now maybe he'll finally be free." Everyone awkwardly clapped as no one was sure what to do. Then Matt stepped up. "When James and I were kids, I used to think Mr. Esposito was cool. He was...unconventional. I didn't understand 99% of his jokes but I still laughed. I don't defend him, I'm not saying anything he was right." He looked over at me, "But he was trying to better, and was better at the end. I guess Mr. Esposito can teach us that you always turn your life around." Everyone clapped. Matt and I met eyes. It was almost like a he was the brightest thing against a dark background. He turned back and walked back into the crowd. I turned to Brian and he handed me the Urn. I stepped up closer to the water. I opened the Urn and sprinkled the ashes into the water. I watched it flow away into the ocean. My dad, flowing away into the ocean. I gasped for air. Brian patted me behind as he then took the Urn and took his turn dumping the ashes. *** The next day, we loaded a couple of suitcases in my car. Matt spread out the map. Tony stood with me under the hood, "Everything looks good. You should have no problems." "Thanks, Tony." "Are you going to behave yourself this weekend?" "Yes, Sir." "So...what's the status on you two?" "I don't know, but I hope...some fresh air, might help us figure it out ." Tony nodded and hugged me tightly, "I am so proud of you." *** An interstate road trip is a true test of love. For the first hour, it's fun. Drinking milkshakes and singing really loud when your favorite song comes on the radio, smiling for every picture. For the second hour, the same songs are being played over and over again but you like them so it's okay. Both of you have a full bladder but nobody says anything about it, fewer smiling pictures. By the third hour, the songs have become annoying and both of you are irritated as you have to debate on where you should stop so you may finally release yourself. By the fourth hour, everyone has peed. Everyone has stretched their legs. Everyone has rehydrated. Someone has changed the station. However, it's no longer fun as you begin fighting over road signs. No more pictures. By the fifth hour, every note they sing gives you a headache. You don't if you're there yet. You don't know if you're right, but they are definitely wrong. By the sixth hour, you're both zombies. Nobody is singing. *** There were two queen beds. That's what we had requested. I laid awake that night. I turned on the light and walked to Matt's bed. "Mac," I said shaking his arm. "What?" He groaned as he rolled over. "I need to talk to you." He sat up and moved over. I sat down in bed next to him. "I lied to you." "About what?" *** It was time. It was time to do what I came to this town to do. I knocked on the off white apartment door. I took a deep breath squeezing my hands in my jacket pockets. I lowered head and mumbled the little speech I had practiced. I didn't lift my head when the door opened. I peeked through my hair at the yellow waitress uniform with a white apron. Right above her chest was a name tag that said "Gina". I lifted my head. She had changed a lot. For one, the wild big curly hair that was fashionable in the '80s and was gone. She now had her hair cut right above her shoulders tame and wavy. Two, she had makeup on, but it wasn't as much as she used to. Instead of the colorful glitter, she now had natural tones, well except for her shining red lipstick, but red lips worked for her. Seeing her again made my throat swell up. My speech was suddenly gone, all that came out was, "Hi Mom." She stared at me with her hand over her mouth. "Jimmy?" I nodded. She threw her arms around my neck. I tightly hugged her back. She ran her fingers through the back of my head. "You cut your hair." She cheered before finally letting go of me, "I like it." I nodded trying to stay calm, but failing "I like yours too." She put her hands on my checks, "You've grown up really handsome." She took a breath, "You wanna come inside for a bit?" She held the door open and motioned me in. Her living room was mixed matched but nice and clean. "Can I get you something?" I politely declined. I sat down on her loud flower print couch. "So where are you living nowadays? Last I heard you were living with that nice teacher." "I'm now living in a college dorm," I said. Her eyes grew big, "College? Wow." "Yea." I nodded nervously shifting my feet. "I have a college boy." "Um Listen...I came here to tell you some big news." I inhaled, "Dad died." She dropped down next to me. Her eyes were closed and she put her hand over her lips. "What happened?" she sniffed. "Heart attack." I simply said. She shifted, "How are you doing?" I folded my hands, "Feeling every emotion, yet none at the same time." She went quiet for a while. "It shocks me you know." I said, "It shocks me that I actually miss him." She was still quiet. "Mom...how are you feeling?" "Guilty," she said. "When we were locked up in that apartment and he was beating us and all...I was so angry that I used to...I used to..." "Wish he was dead?" I finished her statement nodding my head, "Yea, I used to wish that too." She grabbed my hand. I squeezed hers tightly. I heard her start to cry. "I did love him, " she cried. "Maybe he wasn't 'the love of my life', but I did love him. He was charming, funny, sweet. And of course, I hated him. And I thought I wanted him dead...but now..." I place my head on her neck, "I know. I understand." She kissed my forehead, "I'm sorry I wasn't there...and I know we didn't leave off in the best foot." "Yea." I shifted away, "When you freaked out on me when I told you that I'm gay." She looked at me with her mouth open, trying to speak but was struggling. But I knew what she was going to ask. "The answer is yes, mom. I'm still gay." "Oh." she said, "Are you sure?" "Yes!" I screamed, "Trust me I know. And if you don't believe me ask all the guys that have fucked me." She gave me this look of confusion and disgust, "Why this such a big deal to you?" I shifted myself on the couch facing her sideways, "It's a big deal because you were the fucking one person I thought would understand me. The one person saw me without the make-up. And I trusted you with the biggest secret of my life...and you tore me apart. You know dad was completely open and cool about it. He actually kind of excited that I had a boyfriend and everything." She looked at me with a blank stare. I got up from the couch. "No reply uh? Well then so be it. If you don't want to be in my life. Well then so be it." I tried to wipe my tears, "But I think it would shame because I love you so much." She brushed her hair back and sniffed. "I love you too, you're my baby. And maybe if you give me some time. Come on you just threw a fucking lot on me." She got up, "I ain't even been able to process my husband's death and then you throw this gay stuff at me again." she shook her head, "I never stopped thinking about you, honestly. Just give me some fucking time." I nodded. "Okay Whatever. I didn't come here for this." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny bottle, "I came to give you the news and to give this back to you." I held out the bottle. She smiled a little when she saw it, "Maria red lipstick. You kept it after all this time?" "Yea, of course," I choked. "And now I'm giving it back." "Why? I thought you loved this one?" "I did." I said finally calming down, "But I don't need it anymore. I don't need to wear makeup anymore." She took the bottle and tightly hugged me. "Let's please try to keep in touch," she whispered. "Okay," I whispered back. "I would like it." *** I walked into the motel to see Matt looking through his suitcase. Without a shirt on. The second he saw me, he strangely tried to cover the chest. As if we haven't already seen each other naked. "I got a stain on my shirt," he felt the need to explain. "So I'm looking for a clean one." I just nodded, taking my coat off. "How did it go with your mom?" I sat down on his bed. "Wasn't the best, but wasn't the worst," I said. "I'll give her some time." "So how is she..." "Just stop." I blurted out. I grabbed his arm. "I don't want to talk about her now." I took a breath. "I want to talk about us." He moved away from me. "Are you serious this time?" He screamed. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't put an answer together. "Should I go? " he commanded. "No." I bit grabbing his arm again. "Then what am I here for James huh?" he huffed, "Are you going to sleep with me then leave me crying again?" Then I grabbed his neck, "No." He pushed me away. Hard. I pushed him down. He pulled me down with him. We rolled around on the carpet fighting each other. But then we started breathing heavy. I think it was all the physical activity. My back was against the rough carpet. My fingers were on his neck. Matt's hands were squeezing my chest. Our legs intertwined. I stared up at him and he stared down at me. "Isn't it funny, how things change?" He said, "When we were kids we used to wrestle and roll around like it was nothing. But now we wrestle with a whole new meaning..." I lightly kissed on the lips, "I love you. I've never stopped loving you and I miss you every minute you're not with me." He moved down and kissed me. Hard. I, of course, returned with the same passion. He slipped a hand underneath my shirt, "I'm sorry I overreacted about...well, everything. I shouldn't know better. I'll try to take things more slow and not freak out." He whispered. I kissed his neck, "I'm sorry, I shut you out. And I'll try to be more open to you and never leave you crying ever again." I started unbuttoning his jeans. He took the hit. *** I laid down next to him placing my head on his chest. "Hey Jamie, I guess what I've been thinking about?" "What?" I chuckled. "I think maybe I'll become a film teacher." "I think you would be good at that Mac." "Yea, I love film, and I would love to teach kids some special." I put my hand on his stomach, "Well as long you don't start looking like a teacher." Matt chuckled, "Oh so you won't love me if I get old and fat." "Will love me if I get fat and ugly?" I asked. He laughed again, "Like that's ever going to happen." I looked up at him, "What is suppose to mean?" He smiled, "You're James Esposito, you're always be hot." I got up to find a fresh notebook as well as my old black one. After I dug for a decent pencil, I sat back down next to Matt. "Jamie, is something happening here?" "Mac, I going to write a book, about my life and everything." On the top, I wrote on a clean page. My earliest memories were sitting on my busted up bed hearing my parents yelling, hearing the breaking of beer bottles.
  3. "You know what." Brian said pacing back and forth in the emergency waiting room, "Maybe this will force him to slow down. You know really stick around." "You're kidding yourself," I smirked. Then we heard footsteps coming closer. I looked up to see Shawna, Alfreda...and Matt. I stared down at the floor. "How's he doing?" Shawna asked us. "The doctor is with him." We were all silent for about a minute. "Hey," Alfreda finally said. "Shawna, how about you and I go get everybody some coffee" As soon as the girls left the room a nurse motioned to Brian and Owen then took him to fill out some more stuff. Matt and I were left alone. He walked around and sat down next to me. "How..." he whispered, "How you doing?" I closed my eyes and took a breath. "You don't have to be here." I smirked, "Don't you have a date or something?" He grabbed my hand, "Jamie you know that you're more important than anything to me." I removed my hand from his grip and look at the ceiling, "Why do you care? I'm not you're my boyfriend anymore. I wouldn't care if I was you." "You know that you don't mean that." Fuck, he was right. I finally looked at him, "Do you know what was happening when he had his heart attack?" He shook his head, "No. What?" I shifted up in my seat, "I was telling him I was gay." "What did he say?" "He didn't say anything...he just collapsed." "Oh," he grasped. "...you must feel awful." "I do. I should be in there making peace or something. But I can't because I'm still so angry at him." "I know babe," he said grabbing my hand again. *** I find my deepest pain around you. I find my brokenness inside your hand. Yet when I think of you...I crave your attention...I rely on your love. And I see your face and...I go back to a child just wanting their Daddy. I sat by my dad's bed trying to write. "How's he doing?" Brian whispered walking in carrying a shopping bag. I watched him set down some newspapers, venture machine food, and two bottles of water while he talked about his plans. He acted so...so put together. He seemed so calm. It frustrated me. "You're just so good at this, aren't you," I smirked. "I'm just trying to take care of things." He bit back. I walked over to him, "Well I guess that's easy when you don't have to feel anything." "Don't tell me how I'm feeling. I'm his son too." He bit. I heard my dad call out my name, "Jimmy." "Oh god, dad it's James" I barked again. "Calm down, dude," Brian said. "I'm sorry son," he said lying in that hospital bed. "Did you hear what I said, dad? Before? At the apartment?" I asked. "Um...you said that you were um..." "Gay." I choked, "I said that I'm gay...because I am." He stared me for a while. "James..." He started. "I made it a point not to judge people... hell who am I to judge anybody. But the thing is that I don't think I ever really known a gay." I was shocked. I'd had never thought of he would response this calmly. "How are you feeling about this dad? Please tell me what's going through your head?" He blinked, "So how long has this been goin on?" I nodded, that was a reasonable question. "That depends on what you're asking. If you're asking me how long I've been out about it, it's been about a year. If you're asking me how long I've been gay...then I think that's been going on my whole life." "Excuse me son, but how do you know?" Another reasonable question. "Well, I'll spare you the details," Then I remembered something. "Dad...when I kiss a guy I feel like I'm on a desert weak enough to faint." His face lit up with a sudden understanding, "So while you were yellin at me you mentioned a guy? You got a boyfriend or something?" Wow, he had to ask that. I bit my lip and attempted to blink away the tears. "Yea, I do." I swelled up. I didn't it say it to lie. I didn't it say it to be in denial. I said because I realized that doesn't matter what happened...I still had a boyfriend. "Wow," he said. "What's this fellas name?" "It's Matt. Matthew Edwards." He busted out laughing, "While lookie there. It doesn't get any better than The Edwards. You caught a good one." "I know. I know." I looked over Brian who anxiously stood at the foot of the bed waiting to share. "Guess who Brian's dating?" He came and sat by me. "It's Owen," Brian explained."My roommate." "Whoa," Dad chuckled. "ain't that an added twist." He was glowing with happiness. But I couldn't enjoy that happiness. Even though it seems like I was having a great time with my dad, his presence still bothered me. My mind just took a step back and watched the situation. My abusive and distant father is lying in a hospital bed after almost dying. My brother (who didn't grow up dealing with our father) is happily chatting about his great relationship with his boyfriend. And my father, who I always thought was the stereotypical close-minded old white man, is super cool with two of his sons being gay (well Brian is bi but that's not the fucking point). My mother freaked out when I told her, yet my father welcomes it so quickly. What the fuck? Now I'm sure I could get a grip on it if I could consult my boyfriend...oh wait I already screwed that up. Wait, wasn't I mad at my father for fucking me up so bad, causing me to screw up everything in the first place. It was all giving me a headache. "James, you okay?" Brian nudged my shoulder. "I can't believe this." I barked, "This. The three of us. In this room. Acting like...this." "James," Brian said. "We're having a happy moment. Why can't you just be happy with us?" "Because of me," He replied. "Because of me, right?" "Dad," I said. "I managed to find this sweet guy who knows what I've been through, know the things I've done yet...despite everything loves me. He somehow sees this good inside me." Here's where the tears started falling. "I wish I was the man he sees me as. But I can't be because I'm always paranoid that if I feel secure and happy in life that something is going to come in and crush it...so I crush it myself." I grabbed that railing of the bed. "And I can't stop myself." My red eyes looked into his. "What was wrong with me? Why was I good enough?" He put his hands on mine, "I was the one that was never good enough" Then dad grasped. "Dad, what's wrong?" "You betta call someone." He whispered not being able to breathe. Brian ran out of the room screaming for help. I was grasping trying to adjust. Dad grabbed my hand. "I think this is it." "What dad?" "I was never able to stay and be happy. Neither could my pa. You can break the cycle. You're a good boy and you're smarter than I could ever be." "Dad you're not going to die." "Boy death isn't all bad. I won't feel angry anymore. I just might be happy with it." "Dad...dad no." "I'm sorry son, I love you." People in white coats came rushing in. I was slammed on to the wall. I stayed there with my eyes shut while the crowd rushed around calling out orders. *** We were all sitting in the waiting room. I sat there squeezing Matt's hand. He didn't mind of course. He sat by me patiently. Brian sat across from me doing the same thing with Owen. Owen was cracking little jokes about hospital food. We weren't mad. That was how Owen dealt with things. I actually felt a little relieved that someone was talking. I hated complete quiet. We sat like that until a doctor walked up to us with his hands folded. We all stood up. "I'm sorry." He said. I could tell that this was the part of his job that he hated. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to cry because I would never see him again. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me again. Yet I wanted to be spiteful and laugh that he was finally gone. Matt put his arms around me, "Jamie?" I grabbed his waist and clutched him tightly. *** I ended up back at my old childhood apartment. I was alone sitting on the couch where I used to watch soap operas with my mom. As I looked around I began to think about the child I once was. The young me would have never dreamed that I would out like this. Or maybe he did dream of it but didn't want to think about. "Hey, Jamie." I heard Matt say as he walked in. I looked over at him. "How you feeling Jamie?" He asked sitting next to me. "I think I'm doing okay, better at least." He looked around. "Wow, I haven't been in here in a long time." When I couldn't handle something I wanted to run away. Mentally or Physically. I always ran away to Matt. But the truth is that I pictured actually wanted to run away with Matt. "Hey, Matt...I was thinking about going away for a while. Like a road trip." "Yea." he nodded, "You should take a little trip." I took a breath. "You..." I mumbled. I shifted my body to look into his eyes, "You wanna come with?" He didn't say no, but he did ask a question. A reasonable question. He slid his fingers around the picture, "As friends or boyfriends?" I thought he would ask that, the one question I didn't know how to answer. "Um...how...how about as best friends?" He lowered his eyes. I don't think that's the answer he wanted. I moved closer, "Please Matt? I really need to go with me. You know more than anybody that I do stupid things when I'm not with you." He bit his lip. I moved closer. Brushing my nose against his cheek Then I batted my eyes. "God I can't say no to that face," he chuckled. "Okay. A weekend road trip good sounds to me." Then we both got quiet. Our lips were an inch apart. His eyes told me exactly what he wanted to do. And oh god I wanted to do the same thing. I felt him leaning in. I wanted to kiss him...but he freaked out getting up from the couch. He walked into the kitchen. Matt cleared his throat, "So...is there any special place you wanna go...or are we just going to drive in one direction until we hit ocean?" Another reasonable question. I chuckled, "Yeah, I think we'll just let the road be our guide." I lied. The truth is that I knew the exact place that I needed to go to. And I knew the exact person that I needed to see.
  4. His breath tasted like alcohol. His dick felt huge rubbing against me. His name was...Brice, Brandon, Berry I don't know. I didn't want to know. I didn't care. I felt like all I wanted was a beer in my mouth and a dick up my ass. Drinking. Partying. Sleeping Around. That's what college students should do. Right? I didn't know anymore. Since Matt and I broke up, I didn't know anything anymore. We were still roommates, but I didn't really sleep there a lot. I missed sleeping with Matt. I missed everything about him. Of course, I wanted to be with him. But I couldn't have him. So tonight Mr. What's his name was nibbling on my ear. I spotted Shawna all in gold walking by with a hunky piece of dark chocolate. I quickly hid the beer behind my back. Of course, I wasn't going to let her see it. She understood the idea of me sleeping with other guys, but if she saw me drinking she slap the bottle down (and slap my face). Then she will give me a big lecture. She was a good friend. Too bad I wasn't. She gave me a smile, "Hey would you be okay if I left? Are you covered?" Mr. What's his name chuckled, fingering my ass, "Oh he's covered. He'll be covered in something." I turned back to her and nodded, "I'm okay." She nodded with understanding and walked by. "So," Mr. What's his name moved his lips around my neck. "Why don't we go to my place and fuck like crazy." Is it bad I was actually turned on? I shot down the rest of the beer and kissed him. *** I woke up naked lying next to another stranger. I got up and gathered my clothes. He didn't even know that I left. I stopped by the dorm to get changed and headed off to class. I was able to wake up and act sober. So I wasn't out of control, right? I was getting coffee with Shawna in the student lobby when I heard Matt laughing. "Don't turn around," Shawna whispered. I didn't listen to her. I wish I did. I turned my head slightly. I saw Matt...talking to a guy. I bit my lip. I wanted to grab this guy by the neck. I couldn't stand seeing my Matt flirting with someone else. Matt checked his watch and smiled...oh his smile, "Well I got to go...so pick me up at eight?" The guy nodded. I wanted to punch him. As Matt walked away our eyes met. We stared at each other for a moment. I wanted to grab him and kiss him until we were both out of breath. But instead, I just nodded and "Hey Mac." He nodded and waved as he walked away, "Hey Jamie." I felt Shawna patting my shoulder, "That must have been hard." I shook my head, "I'm okay." *** My brother needed help moving a dresser. Brian and I walked up to the door of his building, with our arms full, when I felt a third pair of hands reaching out behind me. "Need help with that Jimmy?" "It's James," I smirked. I turned around. He was fat with short gray hair, squeezed to a sweater. I didn't recognize him at first. Not until I saw my blue eyes staring back at me. Dad's eyes seemed to light up looking at us. "Hey let's put this down, huh James?" Brian said. We sat the dresser down on the street. Then my dad hugged me. It was strange, he rarely hugged me but when he did it was nice. It was kind of like hugging a big teddy bear. He let go of me and then hugged Brian. "What are doing here?" Brian asked. Dad chuckled, "I thought I'd visit my two boys in college and take them out." I noticed a weird chip hanging from his neck. "What's that?" I asked pointing to it. He cracked half smile, "This is my 1st-year sobriety chip." He took a deep breath. "That's why I was hoping you were both here." *** We had dinner at some steakhouse. As I glanced at the menu I realized that there no vegetarian options. And when I asked the waiter and got the "You gotta be crazy" stare. "Um...no," he answered. "No tofu?" "Toe what?" The waiter shifted his eyes. That pretty much answered the question. I nodded, "Then I'll have a salad then." My dad was staring at me confused, "What is that all about?" "Um...I'm a vegetarian." He slowly nodded confused, "When did that happen?" Here we go. I brushed my hair back, "Since about a year or so ago." "So how that goin?" he asked as if he didn't know what else to say. "It's good. It's not usually that this difficult." I smirked. "Why don't you like meat anymore?" I rolled my eyes, "One, the horrible slaughter of animals in disgusting factories. Two, it's full of chemicals and fat." He nodded again, and then change the subject. "So I've been in recovery regularly. Weekly meetings. " "Good, that's good," Brian replied. I said nothing. "When I realized my wife had really left me. I went down a dark path." I was looking down, squeezing my lemon into my water. I was thinking what would happen if I tried to order wine. Partly out of spite. Partly out of need. "Then I got too drunk and punched two cops. Went in the slammer." "Oh wow." Brian grasped like it was such a shock. I stirred my ice water with my straw. "But sometimes jail can be the best thing," Dad said, "I couldn't drink anymore and was forced to get sober." It was good to hear. However, it didn't make up for everything. "James," Dad called me for the first time. I looked up slightly but unable to make direct eye contact. "James, I'm sorry. For everything." I knew he was sincere, but that didn't mean he was trustworthy. Dad chuckled, "Wow, my two college boys. So what are my Einsteins planning to do?" "Well," Brian said, "I'm studying business." He looked over at me. "And James is going to be a writer." I shot my brother a look. I didn't want dad to know that. But I was rather surprised to see my dad smiling at me. "Wow a writer, we got ourselves a Shakespeare." He chuckled. "When is that start?" I stared down at the ice in my water, "It was something I just started doing ever since I was a kid...Donovan really got me into it." I shrugged. "Wow lookie there. I knew living with that teacher was good for you. I would like to see some of your work sometime." I put my hand on my forehead, "I don't think it's your kind of thing." "Oh, but I still want to read some, it's my boy's work." He said. That actually meant a lot to me. But I didn't show it. Dad and Brian made small talk until we got our food, which of course caused another oh so great chat with the waiter. "Ribeye rare. Sirloin medium rare..." then he smirked, "and your salad." As he left he mumbled under his breath, "Fag." I quickly looked at my dad. He was looking down cutting his steak. Good thing, he didn't hear it. "Boy, this is good. James, do you ever miss meat?" I swallowed a bite of my salad, "No dad I do not miss it, most of that's just fat and heart disease." He took a few more bites, then he asked the question. The question. "So you boys got any special lady friends?" "No." I said trying not to laugh, "I don't have a girlfriend." It was a simple reply, with no need for further questions. That was smart. Dad turned to Brian, "How about you? You are seeing someone special?" Brian's answer wasn't as smart and simple. He had Owen. He took a drink then a breath, "I am actually in a relationship." Dad laughed, "That's great. What's she like?" "Um..." Brian started, "I'm with someone who makes me laugh, makes my life interesting...very interesting, and...who I know cares very much about me." Dad nodded, "What's her name?" Brian mumbled around for a bit then got up, "I gotta go to the bathroom." I got up too, "Yea, I got to go too." I went caught up with Brian, he standing at a sink staring into the mirror. "Do you think now is the time...we come out to him?" I chuckled, "No, come on let's not waste our time." "He's our dad and if he's going to be staying around..." "He's not staying." I cut in, "Trust me. He'll be gone again before we know it." *** After dinner, we went to Brian's apartment. "Hey, guys," Owen called out walking into the living room. "Hey there." Dad waved, "So who are you?" Brian took a deep breath, "This is Owen, my...roommate. Owen, this is my dad." Owen stared at him confused for a second but nodded with understanding. Dad smiled and shook Owen's hand, "Hi there." "He's in town." Brian cheered as if he were a child on Christmas morning. "That's great." Owen sweetly said wrapping his arm around Brian's shoulder trying not to be too affectionate. I couldn't take this shit. "Hold on, he's not staying." I barked getting up, "He never has and he never will." "Son..." I got louder, "This is so like you." Now I was yelling, "Over and Over again. You seem all nice and good and I think things will be okay. And just when I think we're gonna be happy. You take off again. Hurting everybody in your path. " Making promises. Never being able to be happy. Taking off. Hurting people. That started to sound familiar. I looked into his eyes. We had the same blue eyes. "Oh my god," I screamed. "I'm you." "What are you talking about?" I was really yelling now, "I'm talking about the fact that I can't keep a relationship. That I run away and push everything down. That I can never find any inner peace. That I can never just accept being happy. Because of you, I hurt the one man that I love more than anything." He raised his eyebrow, "I did you just say, man." I was too angry that I didn't realize that. I didn't fucking care. I was too mad to worry about it. "Oh, yea that's right," I yelled. "Since you had been so out of touch with my life, you didn't get the memo. I'm gay." I was yelling as loud as I could, "I'm gay. I'm super gay" Then I saw my dad clutch his chest and collapsed.
  5. Hi, yes. I'm so sorry. There was an error with the automatic publishing. Chapter 19 is posted now and 20 will be reposted. Thank you for reading my story and for bringing this to my attention.
  6. "What about David Johnson?" Shawna whispered to me as we danced with each other at some classmate's party. "I would say he's a 7." I chuckled. Things had been great with Shawna. We had gotten much so closer since I came out. She had really embraced me as her gay best friend. She even called herself a fag hag in training. "What about Mitch Goldberg? He's a pretty good dancer." I asked her motioning to the very white boy doing the disco. She laughed, "A 5, he's okay for a white boy. But too dorky for me." I guess I had a thing for dorky white boys. We went on the dancing hip to hip with our arms laced over each other until I felt something being placed in my hand. I looked over to see a beer bottle. "Drink up everybody." the host cheered. Without even thinking I started to bring the bottle to face. Shawna grabbed my hand, "Maybe you shouldn't." I chuckled, "What? Why?" She rolled her eyes, "You should be careful." She was right. But... "Come on Shawna, I think can handle a beer." "James! I won't drink either so you won't be alone." She commanded putting down the beer in her hand. Then she had to say it. "You know that if Matt were here he would be saying the same thing." She had to bring him up. My dear Matthew was sitting in his room still moping with confusion. We haven't really talked. "I think I can handle it." Then I shifted back to the bottle. I brought it to my face and took a drink. "Oh wow," I screamed out feeling the burning hitting me. *** I was about pretty buzzed when I stole a bottle of whiskey from the party. Bad habits galore. It was easier to steal under the influence. I just hid it under my jacket and walked out. As I left Shawna put her hand on my shoulder. "Do you need a ride home?" I shook my head, "No, I'll walk." "Don't do anything stupid, okay?" I nodded. *** I climbed up to Matt's window. He was at his desk reading wearing a white shirt and plaid PJ pants. "Knock, knock Matthew Edwards." I laughed banging on the glass, "I got a present for you." Matt got up and let me in. "Jamie, what are you doing here?" I picked up the bottle and held up to his face, "You want some? "What is this?" "Whiskey." "God Jamie," he said, "How did you even get that?" "I borrowed it from the party." He stared down at the brown liquid, "What does it taste like?" "Horrible." Matt took it and stared at it. I grabbed it and drank more. The fire hit me again. My head felt lighter. "It really takes away the pain." I said, "It makes me feel better. At least try it?" I handed him the bottle again. He stared at it again for a couple of seconds. "If it will make me feel less pathetic, than..." He drank it. *** We sat on his bed passing the bottle around. We were playing around, laughing at each other's drunken grammar. "Can I ask you something?" he said. "Anything." I slurred. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were gay?" He was bound to bring it up sooner or later. I looked down at the bottle, "Why didn't you ever tell me you were gay?" "You go first, Jamie." I took a drink, "Mac, for the longest time I couldn't even tell myself. You know how I grew up. You know, you have no idea how hard I tried to change myself to try to be like other guys." He slightly raised his eyebrows, "That kinda surprises me." "What?" I asked. "I always thought of you as the independent thinker. I was always the conformist. I had to have the same toys as everybody else. I had to get a girlfriend like everybody else. I had to follow the white picket fence like everybody else." he took another sip, "I thought you were always different. You thought deeper than everybody else." "You really think that much of me?" He nodded and smiled. "So is that why you never tell me? Because of the whole conformity thing?" "I guess, for the most part. I think I knew since we were kids, that I was somehow different. But the only time I really about...gay people were in the news, either about AIDS or some sort of hate crime." He shook his head. "It seems like being gay meant being sick, lonely, and miserable. It felt easier just to marry Alfreda and be normal." "Is that still what you want?" "I adore Alfreda. I really do. I could've seen myself marrying her...but that wouldn't be fair to either of us." He took a drink, "And I wish I could've been able to talk to you about it. But I thought you would beat me up, or call me a fag or something." He moved closer. He defiantly smelled like alcohol. "I remember being so jealous watching you made out with all those girls." "I've been crushing on since forever." My drunken heart sank. "Seriously?" he asked. The next thing I knew his warm arms were around me. I returned the hug, our bodies pressed up against each other. We turned our heads and faced each other. All I could think about was his lips, and looking into his eyes I got a feeling he was thinking about mine. We both lean into each other, and then I felt our lips pressed against each other. The taste of his hot whiskey breath was a sweet burning. Matt pulled me tighter and I pushed his teeth apart with my tongue. As his tongue became intertwined with mine, my brain exploded and my body tinkled, he dug his nails into my back. I slammed his body on the bed. I put my hands on his waist as he bucked his hips deep into my mine. Matt broke the kiss but didn't let go of me. He just stared into my eyes taking time to catch his breath. "I love you." He whispered before kissing me again. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't have imaged that I could feel so high. We heard the bottle fall off the bed and scattered. But that didn't stop us. I unbuttoned his jeans and unzipped his fly. "What the hell is going here?" Matt and I pulled away from each other to see Mr. and Mrs. Edwards staring at us with gaping mouths. They saw the broken bottle all over the floor. They saw their son's pants were opened. And they saw my hand in them. This really didn't look good. I immediately removed my hand and jumped off the bed. Matt sat up grumbling, "Um...Dad." "Get out." Mr. Edwards screamed at me. His voice hurt my ears. "Get out of my house." I wasn't shocked though it did hurt a little considering I thought we had a better relationship than that. "Dad, " Matt barked. "No, it wasn't like that..." He pointed at his son, "You be quiet. You're in trouble too." He shook his head, "For 17 years I've welcomed you into my home, I've fed you my food, and I've put up with all of your shit. And in return you bring alcohol into my house, knowing I feel about it. And not only do you get yourself drunk, but you bring him down with you." "Mr. Edwards I..." "Get out of my house." He screamed. I crawled out the window. *** My insides were burning. I had an overwhelming headache in the morning. I wish I could say that I got drunk enough to forget what happened the night before. But no, I actually remembered everything. "Are you kidding me?" Tony yelled walking into my room. "What now, Tony?" "James, you got drunk." Then my eyes turned to Brian. "Hey James." "I invited your brother to come over and help me talk to you." "Oh my god, so everybody's ganging up with me. I drank a beer." "I heard it was more. And I you stole a bottle of whiskey." "How you did you find out?" "Doesn't matter how we found out, how much did you drink?" "I don't know." I sat down, "What's the big deal?" "Well, drinking is a big deal for us." Brian bit. He looked at me confused, "Do you want to end up like Dad?" "Oh please" I laughed. "Don't talk about my dad like that. When you have no idea, who he is." "I know that he is an ugly drunk and shitty person." I got up and I pushed him onto the floor. Tony pulled me off of him. "James." Tony started trying to calm me down. "Just don't ever talk about him like that," I screamed on. I sat on my bed and started crying. "I don't want to be like that." Brain sat down next to me rubbing my shoulders, "It's okay." "I'm sorry," I said, "I pushed you." "I'm okay," Jack said, "I can help you get through this." *** I went to the Edwards' house to try to mend any wounds that I could. Mr. Edwards saw me through the kitchen window and opened the door. "Hi." I swallowed standing in his doorway. "I just want you to know that I'm not going to drink anymore. But if you want me to stay away from Matt I understand. "Come on in." He motioned. "James I'm sorry, I said something that I shouldn't have. I was mad" I nodded, "I probably would've reacted the same way if I saw...well what you saw. I'm so sorry Mr. Edwards, I would never pressure Matt into doing anything, and if I..." "Wow." Mr. Edwards cut me off laughing, "It took two forever." "What?" I blurted out, "Wait you know that I'm...you know." "Gay?" He laughed, "Yea we all know." "I'm sorry," I mumbled. Mr. Edwards stared at me confused, "Sorry? Sorry for what? I don't care that you're gay or that Matthew is gay. What I do care about is you two going off drinking...you know that I'm worried that alcoholism runs in both of our families. Be gay, just don't be alcoholics." I had to laugh at that. I nodded, "Trust me this experience really made me understand that. I hate that the way I acted...I swear I'll never do it again." He placed his hand on my shoulder, "I'm glad you're okay now." "So if Matt and I were...like together...that wouldn't bother you?" "Despite everything I know about you, I approve." "Good. Because I love him so much that it scars the shit out of me." That I was the first time I said that out loud. I smiled, "Yea, I love him." "I love you too." I heard Matt call out. He had been standing on the stairway the whole time. Mr. Edwards winked at me and chuckled, "I'll give you guys some time to talk." He waved leaving the kitchen. "Mac. I'm sorry..." "Does it still scare you...being gay?" He sat down at the table. "Yea," I sat down next to him. "Are you scared?" "Yea, of course," He said. "I'm surprised that you would even be interested in me." "What? Why wouldn't I be?" "Oh come on, you're James. You're the guy everybody wants. You're more popular. You're more interesting. Not to mention way more attractive." I laughed, "Honestly, I'm surprised you would be like me. I'm 'wild', 'troublesome', and an all-around screw-up." Matt rolled his eyes, "You don't ever give yourself enough credit." He laughed sliding his fingers across my hand. I turned my hand over, "You always see the good inside of me." He clasped our hands, "I just wish we hadn't ruined our first kiss. I mean the feeling was amazing, I wouldn't take that back. I just can't believe it was while we were drunk." "Were you hoping for something more romantic?" "Yea." He nodded. I grabbed his hand, "Come on". I playfully dragged him upstairs to his bedroom. "What's going on?" He asked giving me a look. I walked him over the window, "This is the window where you took me in so many times. This is the room where we held each other until we fell asleep so many times...how about a redo first kiss?" He laughed and connected our other hands, "Okay, but you gotta make this sappy." I laughed, "Fine." I licked my lips thinking about what to say. Matt laughed, "Oh just cut the chatter and kiss me." He leaned in placed in lips on mine. I gladly smiled and moved into the kiss. It didn't take long before we pressed up against each other, the heat vibrating through my body. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and felt him squeezing my waist. Why the hell did it take us so long?
  7. "My mom's gone again." I simply yelled out walking into Matt's living room. He got up and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me close to him. I returned wrapping my arms his neck. "I'm so sorry Jamie." He started slightly rocking me. I grabbed on tight and sniffed into his shoulder. I'm not going to go all cheesy and say "all problems vanished away", because they didn't...but Matt holding me gave me a feeling of great warmth. I could even describe it as a feeling of ecstasy. I was so caught up in that feeling that I didn't notice that Alfreda had been standing behind me the whole time. Matt released me. Then Alfreda gave me another however not as warm of a hug. "I'm sorry." she said, "Do you want to talk to Matthew about it?" she shifted her eyes, "You want me to leave?" I shook my head, "No. You don't do have to leave Alfreda." I sat down on the couch. "Everything was going just fine and then..." I took a look at Matt and Alfreda were sitting on either side of me. I made the decision that it would be better to leave some of the information out. I was wrong about my mom having unconditional love for me. I didn't want to take that chance with Matt and Alfreda. "I woke up this morning and she was gone." They both nodded. "So would you like to spend the night here?" Matt asked. "Yea, sure." I nodded. *** Mrs. Edwards ordered pizza in an attempt to make it "fun night", I appreciated her for trying. Mary talked the most at dinner. Matt and I couldn't help laughing at how little girls could go on a rant. I couldn't sleep that night. Matt and I were lying in his bed talking. We chatted about my mother and our memories of her. I told him how my mom and I watched soap operas. How we gave each other fashion advice. How we gossiped about the women in our building. I thought to myself, OH MY GOD! HOW COULD WE HAVE NOT SEEN THAT I WAS SO GAY BACK THEN? "I guess in some ways we were in our little world," I told Matt. "Yea," he yawned. It was easy to see that Matt was tried, but he was trying to keep wake for me. "You want to go to sleep?" He blinked and yawned again, "No. No, you need to talk so I'll stay up with you." I looked at him sweetly. "It's okay Mac. We can go to sleep now." And just like that, he fell asleep. Dead sleep. I watched him for a minute. That weird little snore had really grown on me. I just looked at him whispering to myself, "I wish we could land in some magical world where things could be simpler." *** For the rest of the summer. I applied for a few writing scholarships that Tony told me about. It was now going to be my senior year. About a week after school started, I was walking into the lobby of our building, what I found was...shocking. I recognized him from pictures. His dark thick hair...and his Esposito blue eyes. Part of me wanted to be excited and curious. Part of me was angry and confused. But all of me was shocked. I mustered up my breath to run into his face and yelled, "What are you doing here?" And Brian just stared at me.
  8. Thank you for reading and your comment. It means a lot to me that you like my story. I will go back and reread to improve on that part. Thank you again and comments are always welcomed.
  9. Hey, Brian, it's James, I am now in the 11th grade. I've lived with Tony for over a year. Tony and I are doing well... there are just some topics that we avoid. Matt is still dating Alfreda...so that's going on. I've been dating a lot too...but um...nobody special. I've had sex with...multiple girls... the girls seem to think I'm good at, you know, the sex stuff...so...never mind. So how are you? I was fixing my hair in my locker mirror. "Come on, your hair is fine," Matt whined. "Now can we go?" Matt grabbed my head and started messing with my hair. I pulled his hands down, "Matt, come on." "I know I sound crazy." He panicked, "It's just that I'm surrounded by people with great hair and good looks." Well, he is right. I do have amazing hair. Then, of course, Alfreda walks with her beautiful locks, "Hey, what's going on?" Matt shook his head, "It's nothing I'm just a little insecure about my looks today." "Oh come on, looks don't matter." she sugar-coated. "Well, that's easy for you to say your gorgeous," Matt smirked, "Well, you don't have this giant nose and this ugly curly hair." He went on, "Look at me." I bit my lip. I could have told him I thought he was cute. But guys don't say that to each other. Then I started to notice something different about Alfreda. "Are you wearing makeup?" I blurted out. Her eyes shift nervously while she played with her hair, "Yea. so what?" I shifted my eyes confused, "I didn't think you wore makeup." "Well." she stated, "I thought I'd try it." "Why?" Matt chimed in, "You don't need it." "Matthew" she huffed, "It's my face. If I want to put on makeup I will." He nodded, "Yea, of course." He kissed her on the cheek. *** One day, it was makeup. The next day, it was earrings. And the next day, it was new clothes. Alfreda had changed, most obviously on the outside, but something else was going on. I looked over at the pack of guys gathered around her and I also saw Alfreda flirting back. Alfreda wasn't herself. She was acting like a ditz. The Alfreda that I've known for 12 years didn't flip her hair. She didn't cast a girly laugh when some guy told her a cheesy joke. The Alfreda I knew seemed above that, smarter than that. Something was wrong. *** Leah Thompson was giving me a blowjob in the girl's bathroom. But I was...distracted...yea that's the word I'll stick with. I heard the door open and saw Alfreda's new heels. "Hey Leah, thanks a lot but I have to go talk to someone." She nodded and put my dick back in my jeans. "Call me" she whispered before she opened the stall and walked out. Alfreda shot me a dirty look. I brushed it off. "Okay, I think we need to talk ." I put my head against the wall, "Why are you acting like this? " She looked at me for a minute then frowned. "Jamie?" I was surprised that she called me Jamie, she never did that before. "Yea?" I replied. She stared at a sink mirror, "James...you're a guy...right?" I nodded, "Yea?" She put one of her hands on her forehead, "Does Matt find me attractive?" I felt something strange was going on. I got this sickening feeling. "What? Why would you ask that? Don't you see the way he looks at you?" Then she mumbled something. Something she didn't plan on me hearing. But I did hear it. "Yea, but you should see the way he looks at you." "What? What do you mean that?" I asked. She bit her lip, "Oh you know. Matt's face when he looks at you...that goofy smile and the way his eyes follow you. It's like he's..." she stopped herself. "What?" "I think it's he's just jealous of you...of your hair and stuff." She nodded. She nodded more to herself than to me. She started playing with her hands, "Yea that's why he looks at you like that because he wants hair like yours." Her voice started speeding up, "I just think about English class and that literally theme, appearance versus reality. And when I think about it. It scares me not to know the difference. What if I'm wrong James? What if I'm right? What if I'm either?" Her panic scared me. "Okay, Alfreda" I hugged her, "There's nothing to worry about. Matt loves you." *** That night I was having sex with Jennifer Nickerson. Jennifer was a bitch...but she also tall, blonde, and popular, which was the reason I think I went out with her. Sex with Jennifer felt even more annoying because she yelled out demands. But...her bedroom had posters. Posters of half-naked guys, Hollywood heartthrobs actually. I know this sounds messed up, but the only way I could "get through it" was to put my attention on those posters. Then I fought with myself about it all the way home. The guilt was boiling over as I sat down on Donovan's couch. I wanted to remove some of my heavy makeup. I needed to talk to somebody. "Tony." "Yea, Esposito." He replied as he washed the dishes. "Okay there is something to I need to share" "Ok, what?" "I don't...like having sex with girls." Imagery black lines were coming down my face. "In fact, the only way I can even kiss them is if I...think about guys." I heard Donovan putting down a plate and walking closer. "I just have these feelings...feelings that I don't want to feel." Donovan sat down next to me. I looked up at him then back down, "I remember reading The Scarlet Letter in your class. Hester wears a big red A on her chest. I feel like I have my own scarlet letter. I felt like people see it. So I want to cover it up...but instead of the letter A, I wear the big letter F...for faggot." Donovan grasped, "Are there people calling you that?" I nodded, “My brother and the gang from my old neighbor.” He lightly rubbed my shoulder, "Those guys are jerks. There is nothing wrong with you being gay." That word again. That word scared me. "Esposito" Donovan tried to reach out, "Don't worry I won't tell anybody." "God I don't want to be so empty inside anymore." I took a deep breath, "And I don't want to be so self-hating anymore. And I don't want to be so closeted anymore." Then I said something out loud for the first time. I cried out, "...I'm gay" My body shook at the sound of those coming out of my mouth. Yet, I felt weight huge was lifted from me. I felt I had washed the dirt off myself. I breathed out "I'm gay."
  10. Thank you so much for reading and your comment. I completely get it and will try to go through and re-edit. Thanks again.
  11. I got my first stand of facial hair, my dad was so proud. The two of us were standing at the bathroom minor gazing the small brown hair above my lips. "You're starting to become a man." He smiled. "Next you're picking up girls left and right." He chuckled "Just like your old man." "Picking up girls?" I asked. I always knew dad that a way with women, I mean I had probably hundred half siblings running around. I knew of the two that were living in the building, Stacy, the smoker teen mom and Benny drunken criminal. I also heard I had a brother named Brian, but he lived with his mom and his rich stepdad in some mansion. I knew what picking up girls meant to him, but wasn't sure what that meant me. "Yea, you'll definitely be a ladies' man, got the Esposito looks." He said putting his hand lightly on my shoulder and smiled at himself in the minor. Despite the going gray hair and beer gut, he didn't look half bad sober. "Yea, you're about to enter a new world. Growing into a new body. And you gotta get a lot..."nice" feelings" he laughed. "What you mean "nice" feelings?" I asked with a little laugh. "Like when you kiss a girl your wiener is gotta exploded." I grabbed my crotch tightly and stared at him "What?" Dad laughed "No, no boy your wiener won't really explode, it will just...well feel like it." "What?" I asked even more confused. He paused as if he thinking about what to say "Son... when you and girls start kissing, touching, and whatever." He tried to explain. "You're going to feel like you in a dry desert and like you weak enough to faint." He smiled like it was some great thing. "Desert? Faint? How is that good?" I debated. He dropped his head. "It's hard to really explain son...just kiss enough girls and one day you'll get it." "So I'm supposed to like, really like like girls?" I asked. Dad stared at me confused. "Well yea..." he answered. "What else is there?" *** Hi Brian, it's your brother James, How are you? I'm good...well kind of...I guess. I'm starting to grow body hair? ...so that's cool. Do you have body hair? No, no that's a creepy question! I just...I'm curious about how you are. There so many things I want to know about you, so many questions I want to ask you. I would like to hear from you? I slammed down the pen. "Why am I doing this to myself?" Benny was in jail...again and Stacy was busy with her kids. These were the times that even though I had all this "extended" family, I was still an only child. They were my siblings yet, they weren't. We grew up in three different homes, we lived three separate lives. The truth is that Brian was always my favorite, because I didn't know him. I knew what Benny was, a trash talking thief that only came to me when he needed something. I knew what Stacy was, a bitter bitch that didn't talk to me at all. Brian was the brother I got to dream about. But not in a creepy way. I just wanted to imagine him as the big brother I've always wanted. Brian was the big brother that had no criminal record, no unplanned children, and no alcoholism. At least that was the dream Brian, I had no way of knowing different. He never wrote me, never came to visit, and never called. *** The next day in class we watched this cheesy video about the "changes in our bodies." I sat behind Matt while he cracked a bunch jokes. I had to laugh it was oldest, cheapest, most poorly made thing I had ever seen. I mean I've noticed changes (down there), I was growing hair, and I felt my voice getting deeper. Mac didn't seem to care about anything of it. "It’s all silly." He kept demanding as we sat for lurch I couldn't really focus on what he was saying. My brain was too busy thinking "He's cute." I pulled a strand of hair out my face. "Hi James." A brown haired girl named Jenny appeared in front of me giggling. "Hi Jenny" I said casually pushing another hair out of face. She giggled again. "I was thinking that maybe we could go to the movies Friday?" She asked with big smile. "Okay Sure." I responded. "Great it's a date, here my number." she handed me a piece of paper and walked away. "What was that?" I turned to Matt waiting for him to make some silly joke, but he looked more confused than I was. "I think you just got a date." He said, “Wow.” "Yea, wow." I laughed hopping to get to him to laugh too, but he didn't. "You okay Mac?" "Yea, I just can't believe you got a date." He looked either hurt or angry or maybe both. "Mac, what's the matter?" I asked putting a hand on his shoulder. "Jamie...do you like girls? Like...interacting with them?" he whispered. This is where it began. This is where I started lying to my best friend. "Yea, what else is there?" I laughed. *** We went into the movie theater. Jenny and I hardly touched and but we laughed a lot. It was nice, but it didn't feel like this "thing" everybody kept saying. I walked her home as we talked about little things like boring teachers and how they gave us too much homework. As we stepped on her welcome mat she turned to me with a weird smile. "I had a really nice time with you." "Um... yea I did too." "So?" she giggled. "So what?" "So are you going to kiss me?" I was caught off guard. I didn't think about kissing her. But this was a date so it had to end with a kiss, right? I put on a fake smile. "Well yea...babe." I always thought using the word "babe" would make me sound cooler, and I guess it did. I closed my eyes as we move on heads closer. The first thing I noticed was how cold and small her lips were. Then the taste of strawberry lip gloss. Maybe it was that bad taste made I stomach turn. I didn't know what to do so I just repeated what she was doing. She started moving her lips up and down, so I just followed along. She put her hand on my neck, so put my hands on her waist. After the slowest second of the night, my eyes opened and I pulled away. "Wow, you're a good kisser." she said taking a breath. "I am? ...I mean yea...you too...babe." *** As I walked home I thought about that kiss. "That's a kiss?" I said to myself. "I mean I felt something, but I wasn't like was in a desert about to faint." When I got home my parents were of course fighting. Dad swung around the beer in his hand "I'm tellin you it's a million dollar idea." "Jim..." "Can't you listen? See I got this idea to invent something gives people a way to turn their lights on and off without getting up." He yelled slurring every other word. "...with clapping." "Jim..." "I even got a jingle. Clap on" He sang clapping his hands right in her face. "Clap off." I started picking things that he had knocked over, including the glass pieces from the last beer. "Jim it's called the Clapper." "Hey that's a good idea for a name, the clapper.” He turned to notice me "You support me son, right?" I hated when one of them brought me into their fights. It was always a lose, lose situation. "Well dad...maybe you shouldn't...I mean, it would take too much of your time any you job at car dealership." My mom looked at me as if I was holding a bomb. "You shouldn't have mentioned that" she whispered. "My job! To hell with my job." "Another one? Dad you lose another job?" "A man can't grow at some 9 to 5 job." His voice grew louder as another empty beer shattered all over the cheap carpet. "And a man mostly certainly needs his so called family to support him." I tried to run for safely in my bedroom, but caught me. "You trying to run boy." He yelled grabbing me by the arm to throw me against a wall. He stepped back, out of breath. "Son" he slurred a second before passing out. I stared at him sleeping for a second. Leave it to my dad to disappoint me even more. I turned away to go my bed. I laid in my covers re-thinking the night. I wish I could have gone to Matt's, but I was too tired. I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep into the dream world. I found myself sitting in my seat in a classroom alone. I looked up at the chalkboard. "Girls, Girls! Girls?" I read to myself. "What the hell does that mean?" "Hey James." I looked down to see Matt sitting front of me "How was your date?" "It was Good Mac." "You're lying to me," He was smiling at me; it made me feel like I was in pressure cooker. "Jamie I want us to stay like this forever." "Me too, but.." "There's another way Jamie." "What?" Matt grabbed my hand and put his lips on mine. I felt this warmth over my body and my muscles tensed up. "Jimmy." I opened my eyes, to see my dad standing by my bed. "Jimmy" I jumped up and stared at him nervously. I panicked wondering if he had heard anything from my dream. "I'm sorry son." Those were the words, the reason why I could never truly hate him, his remorse. He looked at my purple bruise on my arm. "You're a good boy, you really are. I'm sorry I'm such a screw up... don't you ever start drinking. You hear me." He turned away for a few seconds, blinking real fast then changed the subject. "How was your date boy?" "Um...good" "Did you get a kiss?" "Um...yea" "That's my boy" He cheered patting me on the shoulder and walked out as my mom walked in, with what else but the make-up kit. She sat on the bed and ran her fingers through my hair. "Morning baby." I gave her my arm. "So did you have fun on your little date?" "Yea." I nodded. "So, do you like her?" "Want the truth?" "Yes, of course." She giggled. "Promise not to tell." "Jimmy, I think we both know that I can keep a secret." I took a breath "When we kissed I got this feeling..." She started laughing "Oh honey, you're becoming a man. You're supposed to have that feeling." "But it wasn't... it wasn't really a good feeling." She paused and looked at me confused. "Well I guess she isn't the one for you. Oh well there is plenty of girls in this world." She chuckled. That was all I could tell her. There was no way I could tell her about the dream, I couldn't even tell myself about it. It was crazy anyway; after all I didn't really want to kiss Matt. And that is where it began. That is where I started lying to myself.
  12. I hear the sounds of yelling. I feel the touch of broken glass. I taste the flavor of blood. I sniff the smell of alcohol. I see the sight of burses. These are the five senses of my life, My earliest memories were sitting on my busted up bed hearing the sounds of my parents yelling with a backdrop of beer bottles breaking. "Come on Gina." My dad would scream. “I am not getting you more beer." My mom would scream back. I would try to be quiet, but my whine always seemed to echo through the small apartment. "What's wrong with you Jimmy? Why you crying like some girl?" His voice would bomb my room as he came in with his drunken eyes, blue like mine, but filled with unknown range. "Sorry, I'm sorry Daddy." I would cry. "Why didn't you come when I called you?" He yelled as he slapping me in my right cheek. "Did you hear me?" He yelled as slapped me in the left cheek. "I'm sorry, dad." I cried. He grunted "So now you're crying like some girly boy." It just caused more blood and more tears. "I'm sorry." I cried again. Eventually, he got tried and slowly stubbed out. I laid on my bed trying to stop crying for about five minutes. *** The reporter on my best friend's, Matthew's, TV was doing another story the AIDS virus. I spent most of my time with Matthew. We had every class together. We read comic books and traded baseball cards together. Matthew's house was well... really a house, a home. He had a loving family, corky but loving. They were everything that mine wasn't. His little sister Mary was annoying but I couldn't help to laugh at her trying to boss around her older brother. I would make every excuse I could think of to stay there, any excuse to not go home. Mr. Edwards and Mrs. Edwards were sitting on their couch. Matt stood behind them on the stairway lingering. I rolled my eyes and threw a baseball at him. "Ow" he grasped rubbing his arm. "What are you looking at?" I smirked. He turned away from the TV, "Nothing." “James it’s getting dark, can I drive you home?” “No that’s okay. I’ll walk.” Mr. Edwards would always offer me a ride home, but I would tell him that I could walk. The Edwards knew where I lived and all. In fact, Mr. Edwards worked at the supermarket where some of my dad's famous drunk scenes took place. Mr. Edwards seemed to have always watched me carefully. As a kid, I used to think he had laser eye vision because I could felt his eyes burning into my skin. I just couldn't help to feel he didn't like me. Not that I could blame him, I ate his food, watched his TV, hell I was at his house more than he was. Not to mention every curse word and bad habit his son knew was probably because of me. He seemed to be friendly with me around his wife and kids, but I feared what he would do if we were ever alone together. So I refused a ride, it was always for the better. *** I walked home through the white trash color scheme: the black color of the sky, the reddish brownish color of rusted pipes, and the very off white color of the bricks. Drunken yells ringed thought out the neighborhood, but after all these years their screams didn't really affect me as much. I just walked to my apartment to find my dad sitting on the couch watching TV. His face blankly stared at the old set. "Hi dad." I nicely greeted him. He didn't move or talk or do anything to show that I was in the room. I walked over and sat next to him waiting. Waiting for him to talk to me, look at me, or address me in some way. I waited and waited. His only movement was blinking once in a while. Eventually, I quietly got up to go bed. *** My mother taught me about makeup. "You blend it with your fingers like this." She said applying it my latest bruise. Then she took a tiny tan color jar and used it on her own purple eye. "Benny says boys don't wear this girly stuff," I said looking through the pink makeup box. "Well, it's not lipstick, though raspberry would look amazing on you." She laughed running a hand through my thick black hair. "But honey, this is a different type of makeup. It's for a good reason." She went on. "You can't walk out looking beat up, people will talk or worst they'll take you away." She put down the jar and picked a shiny eye shadow color panel. "And your father would break without you." "Really?" I smirked. "Yes honey, I know it's strange, but your father loves you more than anything." She cracked a little smile and fluff her big black hair, she loved having big hair. "That's one, of the reasons I fell in love with him..." She stopped herself. "Your father is a good guy he just....he is just..." She paused. I picked up a small bottle of lipstick that I couldn't stop looking at. "He just has problems." She finished as she saw me holding the bottle. It was bright red with sparkles. Something about it just had something that drew me in. "You like that one Jimmy?" She asked. My mom was the only one that I could get away with calling me, Jimmy. As far as everybody else, I'm James. I nodded. She smiled, "It's called Maria." "Why?" I asked. "Why what?" She asked putting on her gold hoop earrings. "Why did they name it Maria?" She smiled at me. "Because of the name Maria." She said shaking her shoulders and rolling the r. "Sounds like a woman that's sexy, bold, and fearless. She is the kind of woman that's in control of her life. I always loved that name." It was nice seeing her excited. "Mommy...why do we wear makeup?" I asked her. Her eyes darken "To cover up, to cover up babe.”
  13. Boyfriend. I remember the first time Cory say that word. It was the summer. It was a perfect sitration at the time. My dad had his night when he went out and when he was home he never really questioned me spenting hours in my locked bedroom with my male best friend. We were making out like crazy. Him dugging into my bare back. Me grabbing on to his collar. A lot of rubbing. He pulled away for air. His curls were dripping with sweat. “So are we like boyfriends?” he asked. “What?” I laughed. I couldn’t believe it. He actally used the word “boyfriend”. “Are we like boyfriends or something?” He got off of me and sat up, “I’m kind of confused about us.” I sat up too, “Um…” “Can guys even do that?” he asked. Like I would know. “I don’t know” I shugged. “I need to know because…I like Tina. You know that girl in our math class?” I laughed, “What?” “I like her, and I want to ask her to be my girlfriend.” “Oh.” I grasped. He nodded, “Yea…but I just wanted make sure that…” I sat up, “Oh yea, if you want to ask Topanga out. Yea go for it.” I pulled the hair out of face, “I didn’t think you were into her.” “I didn’t think I was either.” He nodded, “but I now that we have gotten older and I…” “It’s cool man” I nodded, “You should go for it.” *** “So when are you going to do it?” Delia asked as we got our coffees. “I think I’m going to do it all at once. Just ripped the band aid right off.” Cory and Tina were on their honeymoon. Still. I haven’t talk to my best friend. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing him. Delia smiled at me. “I’m glad you decied to do come out.” I took a slip. “It’s a good thing I don’t I have a lot family. I don’t think would’ve been able to tell my dad.” “You have Matt. Remeber?” She pointed out, “He’s your brother. And he’s stuck by you all this time and he’ll strick by you now.” I nodded. I somhow always seem to forget to count my brother Matt as family. It’s…it’s like we were in this between stage. We were more the friends, but weren’t excaclty famliy. Or atleast not in my veiw. I looked down at my coffee, “Yea, I guess.” She put her on the table, “And I may have not known your dad but I think he would love you don’t matter what.” I looked up at her. She was so beautiful. I kind of wished we could have ended up together. “I’m scared.” I said. “You never thought of yourself as a homosexual?” She smirked. I laughed, “I guess I thought I was a Corysexaul.” She rolled her eyes. But it was true. *** I squeezed Delia’s hand as we sat in her living room. Cory and Tina were coming back form their honeymoon. My brother, Matt sat next to us on the couch with his girlfriend Rachel on the arm. We slinetly waited for them. “You okay?” She whispered. I nodded. Then the door opened. “Heyyyy” Cory and Tina cheered coming though the door. Of course everybody hugs, and says “we missed you.” I tried to say out of it, but Cory came at me with opens arms. I hugged him giving him two little pats on the back. Then I hugged Tina. “Hey can we talk later?” she whipstered in my ear. “Yea sure.” Then we sat down and talked about the honeymoon. Delia pinched my thigh. “Ow” I bit getting up. “Josh has something he wants to tell you guys.” Great. “What’s up bro?” Matt asked. I cleared my throat. Delia was smiling at me. Matt seemed interested. And Cory and Tina had their eyebrows raised. Fuck it. I stood up frout of everybody I knew and said it. “I’m gay.” Everybody's mouth dropped. “I know it’s kind of a shock.” Rachel raised her, “I’m not that surprised actually.” Matt spoke up, “This totally cool with me. You’re my brother and I don’t care what you are.” I nodded, “Thanks Matt.” “Wait, wait, wait.” Cory hopped up, “No. No, this isn’t happening.” Here it is. Cory walks up to me yelling, “No. No. I don’t know where you’re head is. You’re supposed to marry a nice girl, I’m married to Tina. The four of us…” “Cory stop.” I yelled, “That is your plan, not mine.” “Josh, don’t you want a family?” “Maybe my version of a family, is different form yours. Maybe there is a life beyond your white fence.” “Josh I know what you really want.” “You have no idea what I want.” I started shouting, “What I want? I want to sleep with a man, a man that cares about me, that puts me first, that…that dosen’t hide me away like I’m some second rate slut.” We were staring lasers into each others eyes. I took a breath, “I want a man, that wants me. I know what to call that but that’s what I want.” “I’d call that a boyfriend.” Delia said. I turned back to Cory, “Yea, I want to a boyfriend.”
  14. "You kissed him?" He wouldn't look at me, "Well I think it was more like he kissed me...What am I going to do?" I put my hands on my temples, "So you...like him? Larry?" He shook his head, "No, not like that. I mean he's okay, but it wasn't like that. It just happened...and...it felt.." "Good?" I guessed. He looked at the floor and blinked, "It conformed everything that I've been trying to ignore for half my life." I nodded. I knew I would eventually have to tell him. But looking at Matt, it didn't feel the right moment. %%%% Matt didn't want to talk about it on the way home. He just sat next to Alfreda on the school bus in silence. I would see her looking over at me a few times. But I just opened a book and looked away. %%%% The day after there was banging on my door. It was Alfreda standing there with black lines running down her face. Her make-up was ruined. "Did you know?" she screamed. "What?" I asked. "Matt kissed Larry." Oh Shit. I nodded, "Yea." She started crying again. I motioned for her to come in. She sat down on the couch. She squeezed my arm as I sat down next to her. "What happened?" I asked. "Matt just told me." She cried. I bit my lip and closed my eyes. "I'm sorry…I…I don't know what to say." "I'm not shocked that he kissed a guy." "You're not?" "I kind of always suspect he was attracted to boys." She shook her head, "We even tried to talk to about it couple of times. I could never directly ask him. I thought it ruined our relationship…and we had planned this big future together...and like him I wanted that so much that I tried to ignore it." I handed her a tissue box. She blew her nose and chuckled, "What I am shocked about is I always thought it would be with you." She stared up at me. The make-up was ruined, "I've known all along that you were gay. Ever since the film anyway." She was always a smart girl. Of course she would have figured me out. She took a breath, "I always thought if Matthew ever kissed a guy behind my back that it would be you." She placed her head on my shoulder, still looking up at me, "You would be worth it. You would've been worth us breaking up. Really James you would. If I caught you two, I wouldn't have thought of it as betrayal, I would have thought of it as love coming though." I wasn't going to tell her that I wished it was me too. "So what's next? What are we going to do now Alfreda?" She wiped her eyes, "For the first time in my life, I don't know the answer."
  15. [i]I hear the deepest part of hell is ice.[/i] [i]Even Satan himself is trapped in the burning cold.[/i] [i]Cold and hot do co-exist as a bipolar device.[/i] [i]How one can feel heat and froze at the same time is to yet unfold. [/i] Our senior ski trip ruined everybody's make-up. Matt and Alfreda were basically planning their wedding. Shawna and I had developed a great (still non-sexual) romantic relationship. The four of us had certain friendly structure. Matt and I were still best friends, and Alfreda and Shawna became good friends. That was what we had gotten used to. But our friendly system went down in flames at that cold lodge. The heat started when Matt slipped and fell down an ice covered mountain. "Ow, ow it's broken." He screamed as I carried him to couch in the lodge lobby. Leave it to Matt to slip and hurt himself within 10 minutes. Then in a red vest a cute blonde hair brown eyed guy started examining Matt's thigh, "I don't think anything broken, just pulled something, but you won't be able to ski for a while." I think I noticed he winked at Matt as he said, "I guess you'll have to stay inside with me." %%%% I spent the day skiing with Shawna and Alfreda. It was actually fun. We debated on social issues and gossiped who was going to hook up on the trip. It's crazy but, now that my mom was really gone, I actually consider Shawna and Alfreda the two most important women in my life. I liked spending time with them, but of course being with Matt would've made it better. That afternoon the three of us walked into the lobby. I heard Matt laugh. The cute worker guy, Larry, was laughing too. I don't want to notice this, but Matt and Larry were looking each other with a little spark flaming. "Are how you feeling Matthew?" Alfreda walked in not seeming to notice kissing Matt lighty on his lips. Larry rolled his eyes, "It's seems like you'll good hands." I watched Matt's eyes follow Larry as he left with this strange smile on his face. "Someone has a crush." I mocked under my breath. %%%% I was in Alfreda and Shawna's room while the girl's while they changed, neither one minded me being in there. "Hey guess what I heard?" Alfreda asked walking around in a bra. I laid on her bed flipping channels, "What?" "I heard that Larry is gay." She brushed back her hair, "Do you think he is?" "What?" I shook my head, "I don't know. Why would I care?" She put a sweater on, "Is Matt attracted to me?" She had been asking me that a lot lately. I just shrugged my shoulders, "Yea, duh." She stared at me for a minute then sat down. "James...what if I was gay." I didn't know how to response that. I sat up, "Um...do you...are you...trying to say that you're...a lesbian?" "This is a purly hypothetical." She explained getting more comfy on the bed, "But if I was, you would tell Matt wouldn't you?" "Um..." "You would." She stated nodding, "You care about Matt enough to tell him...you wouldn't want him to waste his time or get his heart broken." "Um...I guess...why are you talking like this?" Then she whipstered, "Would you do the same for me?" I didn't like where this was going. I got up, "Hey, I'm gotta go to bed now." *** I laid in my bed in Matt and mine's double room with my notebook. [i]I've been lying. Lying you. [/i] [i]It's a lie that I don't want to kiss you.[/i] [i]Matt I…[/i] I stopped. I pulled up the covers. I was getting chilled. [i][i]I want you to take care of me and want to take care of you. [/i][/i] [i]I want you to see the deepest part of me but I just can't allow that.[/i] [i]I feel, I think, I lo…[/i] I threw the pencil down and put my head in my knees. I looked over at the door, waiting for Matt to open it. I heard a knock at the door, but instead of Matt it was Shawna. "Hey girlfriend." She laughed lying down on my bed getting comfy in the sheets. I slid next to her, "Hey what's up?" She laid on her side with her hand slowly stroked my arm, "I was just sitting in my room broad out of my fucking mind, so I thought I'd come here. What are you up to?" "Just a little writing." I chucked staring into her beautiful eyes. She got closer, "Anything you'll let me read?" I shook my head no. She chuckled rolling her eyes, "God you're such a 'troubled artist'." "Sorry Babe. That's how I roll." I looked down to see our hands had become intertwined. I looked back up at her. She was so beautiful. And she deserved a guy who could truly see that. "You know, I do really care about you James." I nodded, "I really care about you too." Then I leaned in to kiss her. I really meant it just a friendly peck. But she deepened it and pulled me on top of her, her soft beautifully painted finger nails around my neck. I put my dirt full ones on her waist. I tried. Really tried. I held her close as I could. I sank as deep into her body as much as a I could. I kissed as passionately as I ever could. I felt her lifting up my shirt. And I tried, really tried to play along. But the more I tried and more I felt my eyes puff up. I shut them to prevent the tears from coming. Shawna pulled away, "Are you okay?" I choked up. "James, what's wrong? Did I do something?" I rolled off of her, "No, you're perfect." "James, talk to me?" The tears started coming. "Do you want me to leave?" She asked. I shook my head, "No, I just need some air." I got up and stormed out the room. She followed behind me, "James, what's wrong?" I walked into the lobby where our classmates were scattered around hanging out. "James please, why won't you talk to me?" Shawna kept yelling, "Why? Why? Why?" I couldn't take it anymore, "Because I'm gay." I finally yelled out. The crowd of students all stared at me. I realized that I had dated probably 50% of the girls in the room, and probably brated about it all 80% of the guys. But at that didn't seem to matter at that moment. My focus was on Shawna. "Shawna, I care too much about you to keep lying. I'm gay. I've been gay this whole time. And I just realized...that's what I'll always be." I grabbed her hands, "Can you still be my friend? Please?" She laughed, "You're a fabulous gay white boy. I'm a sassy black girl. Aren't we natural best friends?" I laughed and hugged her. %%%% I walked back into my room to see Matt nervously sitting on his bed. "Hey." I waved. He didn't say anything. He just stared at the floor. I walked over and sat down next to him, "Are you okay?" He slowly turned to me, "I've had a night." I chuckled, "So have I" I licked my lips, "Hey so there's something I have to tell you." I knew that the whole school would be talking about it. I figured he might as well hear it form me. His face didn't change, "There is actually something I need to say too." I just adjusted myself and sat crossed legged on the bed, "Okay you go first?" He just sat there biting his lip. I put my hand on his thigh, "Mac, whatever it is it'll okay. Come on, it can't be that bad." He closed his eyes, "I...I kissed Larry." I felt hot and cold at the same time.
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