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Another Gay Writer

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About Another Gay Writer

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  1. Jesse sets up the video camera in Desdemona’s living room, “I want to film to us." “OK dork” Desdemona laughs. “Well in case something cool happens...or if we die” “We’re not going to die.” They sat next to each other in front of the camera. “Hello I’m Jesse Abrams, here Desdemona Potts and," Shawn pops into frame. "and Shawn Hudson. Desdemona and I are about to do LSD for the first time." Jesse pulls out two little slips of paper. He hands Desdemona one. Shawn checks his watch. "So it takes about 30 minutes to kick in. You guys ready?" "Yea," Desdemona says putting the paper in her mouth. *** Shawn holds the camera, "So is it hitting you guys?" "Yea I think it's hitting me." Jesse says laying on the floor. "Dude, you are gone," Shawn laughs. "Des, how you're feeling?" They turn to each other and laugh. "It's crazy." "Its like...the room is doing the wave..." "Yea." Desdemona sits by his head, "Dude the ceiling is beautiful." "What dose it look like Des?" Shawn asking from the camera. "Like the sky. And the little dots are like stars" Jesse laughs, "Dude I see it." They laugh. Desdemona's phone beeps. She looks at it. “It’s Caroline,” she says. “She wants to hang out tomorrow.” “How’s the writing going with you two?” “Umm,” Desdemona puts her phone back in her pockets. “Good.” “Has she come up with a song yet?” “Kinda." "I know my sister can be...a lot. So thank you for helping her.” “No problem,” Desdemona says. “She not bad, she is just...a lot I guess.” "My dad used to say my purpose was take care of my sister 'Caroline is so sensitive and so delicate. You're the strong one, you need to protect her.' That's why Caroline gets away with everything." Jesse places his head in her lap. "It's like Caroline gets to be Halloween and I gotta be Christmas," Jesse says. "Dose that make any sense?" It actually dose,” Desdemona laughs. "Like Halloween gets be dark and rebellious while Christmas has be wholesome and like family friendly." "Right. Halloween can be whatever it wants to be and nobody has high expectations for Halloween. But everyone expects Christmas to be the best. I love my sister. I do. But I wish I was able to screw up and be...free like her." "Why can't you?" "Because when dad died, everyone hugged Caroline first." Jesse starts to tear up, "Dad was awesome. We loved him so much. We never saw it coming. It was his weekend with us. We had diner. He made awesome pizza. Caroline and I went to bed. Then we both woke to all the noise. I opened my door and people were screaming.” I want over to my dad’s room. Our maid was him giving CPR.” Desdemona strokes his hair. “She saw and told me to look away. I turned around and there was Caroline...crying. I hugged her and she wouldn’t let go of me even when the paramedics came. We stood in the hallway holding each other, praying to God that this wasn’t real. Everybody really tried do...you know shield us, but we both sat there watching our father, who was our superman, being carried out his room. I don’t even remember how we got to the hospital. Mom was a wreck, a quiet wreck. Mom didn’t know else to do but write a press release. I don’t know if mom and I could have just stayed still. We needed to be the ones to puts all the to do lists together. Of course that wasn’t Caroline’s style. But when she refused to have her bat mitzvah, her and mom started fighting a lot.” “She didn’t want a bat mitzvah?” “After dad died. Caroline didn’t want to celebrate her birthday.” “I’m sorry.” “I know. Everybody is.” He sits up realizing he’s in full on tears. “Fuck” “Jesse, it’s…” “I’m sorry,” Jesse gets up and runs to the bathroom. Desdemona sits, blinking away the tears. Shawn puts down the camera and sits next to her. “Wow. How sad.” “Yea,” Desdemona shallows. “that sucks.” Shawn puts her arm around. She shifts. “I am going to really miss you guys.” Shawn says rubbing her back. “Please stop that.” Desdemona pulls her knees up to her chest. Holding her body tight. “What is with you? I thought we we’re...connecting,” He moves closer. “Why don’t you like me anymore?” He kisses her check. He pins her down and kisses her face. She tries to raise her first and tries to swat his chest. Her eyes shut so tightly as she was trying to leave her body. Shawn is finally lifted off of her. Desdemona opens her eyes to see Jesse grabbing Shawn back. “Dude, what the fuck?” Shawn takes a breath, “We’re making out.” “You not making out,” Jesse shouts. “You were…” she looks at Desdemona on the floor hyper-venting, “You were hurting her.” “Oh please,” Shawn says. “You’re just jealous I kissed her first.” “You need to get out of here.” Jesse says pointing the door. “Fine.” Shawn backs up to the door. Shawn slams the door. Jesse reaches his arm out to Desdemona. She turns away and gets off the floor. "Are you okay?" She sits her couch trying to steady her breath. She pulls back her hair revealing a beer bottle shaped scar. "Whoa," Jesse grasps. "He did that do you?" "Not Shawn That's from…" She starts to cry but wipes her tears. “Can we stop talking?” They we're silent. Neither one needing to say anything else.
  2. Desdemona sits in make-up. People surrounding her, putting products in her hair. She has her phone pressed to her ear. "Yes, I glad this production is almost over. Another rewrite, where I again, for some stupid reason I have to take my shirt off. I thought this was supposed to be a serious thriller." "I hear you,” Jeff, her manager says. “And the producers have ensured me that it's all going to be tasteful." "It better be." "But to have great news. I got you in the running for a gay TV show." "A gay TV show?" she whipsters into the phone. "Yes, it's a gay drama about five beautiful and rich queer people living in L.A. I know it’s totally unoriginal, but one of the leads is a lesbian writer, that you are perfect for." "That is good news...so does that mean I can come out, officially?" “Yes, this the perfect reason to come out,” Jeff cheers. “And the shooting schedule is perfect because it won't inter lap with your summer tour. By the way when I am going to hear that finished album?" Jesse comes in and sits down next to her. She waves to him. "Soon okay,” she says into the phone “I just I'm trying to keep up with all these label notes. Can you get them to change their mind's on this pop song?" "It all about comprises Desi. Just one pop song they use for branding. Would you like a get a songwriter?" "No I'm a songwriter,” she bites. “I'm not going to sing a song I didn't write." "Everyone does it Desi, and if you don't come up a catchy tune soon we'll have to." She takes a deep breath, "Ok. I got to go." She hangs up and throws the phone down on the counter. “You okay?” Jesse asks. “Yea,” Desdemona says. “Just work stuff. By the way, Happy Birthday." "Thanks, Des." Jesse smiles. "What are doing today?" "After shooting, nothing." "Nothing,” she says leaning forward. “It's your big 21." "Yea. I might just go out to dinner with my family." "Come on dude," she says."We should go party? How about in Vegas?" "Okay yea,” he laughs. “But can we do that?" "Do you have school tomorrow?" "No." "I'll make a few calls. Then we are going to Vegas.” *** Jesse and Desdemona take shots as beautiful women cheer around them in the hotel suite. Darla, Riley and Justin cheers behind them. The crowd screams. “SHOTS. SHOTS.” Darla pours them two more shots. They hold up their glasses and drink. Jesse bends over and laughs, "Dude, I'm so wasted." He sits down. A pretty blonde girl sits down on his lap. "Take a breather bro," Desdemona says as Darla drags her to the middle of the room. "You're so lucky, I'm drunk," Desmonda says to Darla as they start to dance. Riley sits down to Jesse. They watch Desmonda and Darla dance. They kiss. Jesse tilts his head. "Hey is Darla gay?" "Yea," Riley nods. "They're together." "They're like to together, together. So Des is gay too?" "You really didn't know?" Jesse shakes his head, “No. Des never said anything about it?” Riley drinks his beer, “Her ‘people’ tell to not go around saying. Especially since with movie right now.” "Why?” Riley exhales, “Being gay...can be complicated.” “How would you know?” Riley takes another deep breath and leans forward, “Because I’m gay too.” "Oh," Jesse nods. “Okay cool.” *** Celia paces around the kitchen. Birthday decorations hanging everything. "What to do mean he wasn't there?" She yells. "He wasn't at his dorm,” their cousin Jake tells her. “And he's not answering his phone." "That's not like him." "I know. I'm trying to reach his friends to see if they know he is." "His friends," Caroline whispers. She down at her phone. She picks it up and texts Desmonda. Hey, are you with Jesse? Yea we're in Vegas. Caroline calmly walks out and calls Desdemona. "Hey Car," Desdemona screams through the phone as partly music blasts. "Are you really with Jesse in Vegas?" "Yea, I had to take my boy out for his 21st birthday." "Oh my god," Caroline gasps. "My mom is going to kill you." "Why?" “Jesse was supposed to come here tonight." "Well, he said y'all weren't planning anything." "It was a surprise. Jake supposed to pick him up at his dorm but he's not there. So everyone is here, panicking." "Everyone huh? Well if your family just fucking invited to me, we wouldn't be in the situation." "I'm sorry, " Caroline says. "Can you bring him back?" "Dude we're both hammered and no way we're capable of travel right now." “Oh my god,” Caroline says. “I can’t believe Jesse is drunk in Vegas.” “What?” Caroline turns to see Celia. “Um...hey,” Caroline says to her mother. “Who is that on the phone?” “It’s Desdemona.” Celia stomps away. *** Caroline walks through the house. “Mommy,” she calls out. “Please don’t mad at Jeese. This is all a missed understanding.” She sees her mother’s bedroom door slightly cracked. She peaks though to see Celia looking at a wedding photo. Young Celia in a beautiful lacey white dress, Her hair fluffed up with a crown of pink roses. Young Aaron smiling at her in a pink suit. “God Aaron, you lucky bastard.” Celia says playing with the frame, “You got out before the kids got difficult. Now I can’t even get them to spend their birthdays with me.” She looks at him in the photo. “He looks like you now, you know. You always said he looked like me, but now he’s the spitting image of you.” Celia puts down the photo. “I thought I could love never anybody more than you. At 21, I thought I’d had figure it out and you were the sun, the moon, and the stars. Then I had Jesse and reached a whole new level of love,” She grabs her glass of wine. “You and I may not have a had a happy ending but it’s doesn't mean it was for nothing.” She takes a drink. “Despite everything. I don’t regret loving you. I don’t regret taking that chance on you.” Caroline quietly steps back. She slowly walks to her own room. Would she ever love somebody like that? Maybe Desdemona is the moon and the stars, but is she the sun? And if Desdemona would never love her? Caroline pulls out her phone and calls Duff. “Do you love me?” She splits out the second he answers. “Yea, I do.” He says. “Really? You do?” She cheers. “Yea I do.” She sits down on her bed, “Could I could over tomorrow night?” *** Jeese is woken by the morning light. His eyes adjust to see the strange hotel room and naked blonde next to him. “Hello,” he says in a high pitched voice. She wakes. Grabs a marker. Writes a phone number on his arm. Then goes back to sleep. Jesse lays there for a minute before getting up. He gets dressed and gathers his things. He quietly leaves. He stares in the hallway. “Hey Jes, finally up.” He turns to see Desdemona walking toward him with coffee cups. She holds out one. “The others already left. May I join you on your walk of shame?” He takes the coffee and they begin walking. “How was your night?” “I can’t remember.” She chuckles. “Thanks,” he sips his coffee, “You’re the coolest friend ever.” “As long as you had fun.” “I did.” “So hey,” He stops, “It’s cool that you're gay.” She stops and takes a deep breath, “Thanks, dude.” “Why haven’t you told everybody?” Desdemona begins walking again, taking another sip of her coffee. “It’s not that I’m ashamed. It’s that I want to be safe.” He walks beside her, “Safe? From who?” “You’re a rich, straight, white man, one of the nicest I’ve meet, but you will never understand what it's like to know how much some people want you dead.” They walk in silence as Jesse struggles for a response. “When did you first know?” “That I like girls?” “No. That people wanted to you dead.” The elevator is quiet. “When I was 5. I became friends with a drag queen named Rainbow.” “Rainbow?” “Rainbow was the first gay person I met. She was black, 6 feet tall, and stunning. We met while we were both performing at a variety show. Rainbow's signature song was Over the Rainbow. I was amazed. I had never seen someone so glamorous yet and was so kind. One night in the alley, Dad and I were passing by to go into the club. And I saw it.” “Saw what?” “They were beating her. These white guys surrounded her. They bashed her the head in. They were beating her with baseball bats, repeatedly calling her a faggot and every horrible thing you could think of. My dad dragged me away and said not to worry about it. Rainbow didn’t show up for her song. Somehow I just knew she was dead.” “How?” “I just felt it, when I walked up to the mic. I looked out to the audience, and she wasn’t there. But the men were, acting like they didn’t do anything. I felt something inside of me. I turned away to the piano player and asked to play Rainbow’s song and I sang Over the rainbow. Daddy didn’t like me making a last minute change and I knew he would beat me for it. However, that was my small way of standing up for Rainbow and it felt right.” They get the car. “I’m sorry. For...everything.” He takes a breath before starting the car. “It’s okay,” Desdemona buckles her seat belt. She stares in space thinking for a minute, “Maybe I’ll dedicate an album to her?” She bobs her head. She bangs her hands on the dashboard. “Let go on to the other side of the rainbow,” she sings. “Because life is too short, to keep on hatin.” She bangs on the window the dashboard again, “Come on down and get proud. Gayyy Pride.” “That sounds good Des,” Jesse says, “Catchy.” “Yea,” she bangs on the dashboard again, “I need to write this down.” *** Caroline and Duff make out of the couch. Her body hardening. He runs his fingers over the outside of her jeans. “You’re getting excited aren’t you?” he whispers. “Yea, I guess I am.” she gasps. “Want me to finger you?” “Yea...I would really like that.” He unbuttons her jeans and slips them off. She gasps at his cold fingers sliding inside of her. “Wow, you’re so wet.” “That’s good, right?” “Yea,” he chuckles. “I love you.” She looks up at him as he stimulates her. It felt good. Really good. He was great. He was nice. He loved her. And he really had been patient. “Would you want to fuck?” “Really?” “I’m ready,” Caroline takes off her shirt. “What do I need to do?” He laughs and takes her hand, “Come with me.” *** Caroline laid down on her back. She had never been in his bed before. His apartment wasn’t bad, messy, but his parents had set him up nice. Duff walks up to her, naked, his twenty-something tattoos showing. “Are you sure you are ready for this Caroline?” He sat on the bed and lays his hands on her knees. “I am. I love you,” she says “I’m just...I've never done this before.” He kisses her breast. “It's okay I just look at me. Relax.” “Can...you make it...like...not hurt?” “I’ll take it slow.” He slips into her. Her body jerks and her legs widen. “It’s okay. I got you.” He places his hands on her hips. It was uncomfortable, but thrilling at the same time. “Relax, I can’t get it though if you tighten like that. Breathe.” Caroline took a deep breath, feeling her body opening and twisting. “It’s okay I got you.” He began thrusting. Her hands hit the wall as she grabs the headboard. “I got you.” Yet with the pain, she felt relieved that she would no longer be virgin.
  3. Behind the sound stage. Shawn presses Desdemona against the wall. “How about we do some extra rehearsal in my dressing room?” “Shawn, you’re not my type.” He presses his body against her, “You’re so beautiful Des.” “Stop it.” “Men should bow down and worship you at the feet,” he says putting his hand on her hip. “Stop it.” “And fuck you so good your eyes pop out of your head.” She pushes him off, “Stop it.” “What is your problem?” “I like girls dumbass.” “Oh cool, threesome.” She punches him in the stomach. “Hey, do that again and I swear you will never work in Hollywood again.” Desdemona walks off. *** Desdemona sits on the floor next to Caroline spray painting a brick wall. “And why are we here, doing petty vandalism?” “Because it’s fun. Expressing yourself while destroying somebody else’s property.” Desdemona hits the blunt and hands to Caroline, “Was never into spray paint, sure love breaking shit though.” “Celia is saying I’m being immature and I don’t ‘understand the real world’. Like she knows what I’m going through,” Caroline says spraying green paint on the wall. “Like doesn't she realized how hard it is for me having her and millions of people always watching me and telling me how wrong I always am,” Caroline kicks the wall. "And she totally is in my business about Duff. Like every she sees him we might as well be doing it on the kitchen table. Like ew, we don't even do that." "Wait for what? Y'all don't do it." Caroline avoids eye contact. "You haven't slept with him?" "No. He keeps asking me. But...when you think about it sex is so weird. You got to get... naked in front of someone. Exposing every roll, zit, and hair on your body. Then you have to let them touch you and you're expected to touch them, but you don't exactly where and how. And what is it all for anyway?" "To cum?" Desdemona chuckles. "God orgasms are overrated" "Oh. My . God. You're a virgin?" Caroline nods, "I know everyone assumes if you're a bad girl, you must be a slut." "But why? I didn't think you were religious." "It's not about religion or saving myself. It's that...I’m scared." "Scared of what?" "Being naked in front of someone. Someone looking at me. Someone having to touch me. Someone inside of me. I mean that's so... intimate." "Wow, when you say it like that. I guess you're kinda right." "I guess once a fat girl always a fat girl." "You're not fat Car." "When my dad… passed...I was so...broken and empty. I couldn't do anything but eat my feelings. And I just kept eating." "That's terrible." “The pictures they took of me were awful. The stares I got were awful. Having everyone see me as Aaron Abram's FAT daughter." "You're still insecure about your body. That's why you're scared of sex?" "That's stupid, huh?" "No, it's not. I guess I was lucky I didn't have to go through that." "But I'm a 17-year-old virgin. Isn't that weird? It's like this thing, hanging over me. Who's going to fuck a virgin? You know? I just want to get out of way." "Usually I would have agreed with that. But I actually think you should do it when you are ready with someone you trust.” Caroline stares at Desdemona with loving eyes. “Someone who isn't me." Desdemona continues. "Because of the fat thing right?" "No. Listen to me," Desdemona levels her voice. "You are not fat. You're...you know." Caroline smiles, "Are you saying you think I'm attractive?" "I'm saying you're pretty but don't read into it. This,” she said motioning between them.“Is never going to happen. I can't do that to Jesse." "Are sure that's the reason?" Caroline sits down across from Des. “Were you scared your first time?" Caroline askes. "Do you remember your first time?” “Of course I do.” “So tell me about it.” “Well, I had two first times. I guess my VERY first time was with Riley.” “You fucked Riley?” “Kind of, we started to but...it was so bad we had to stop so it's half a point.” “So then you had sex with a woman?” “Yup, that same year.” “How old were you?” “16. And yea I was scared.” “Who was she?” “Her was Rhonda. She owned a club in Houston. I needed the money and auditioned for her. After I played for her, she asked to go to her place for an interview.” “What? How old was she?” “Never said her exact age. But at least in her 40’s.” “40! And you were 16?” “Yea. So during the interview, she was touching and smiling at me. Then she asked if I had ever been with a woman. I just laughed nervously and then she kissed me.” “How creepy.” “What? No wasn’t creepy. It’s was...hot. Ronda touched me slightly but it was more than enough. My body tensed up, as Ronada moved her finger along the outside of my jeans. ‘You’re getting hard, aren’t you?’ she said. I nodded, speechless. ‘Have you ever been touched like this before pretty girl?’ she said. Ronada unbuttoned my pants and pulled down my zipper. She got down on her knees in front of me. I was totally shaking. ‘Calm down, it’s okay. I’ll be gentle.’ she kept saying. She pulled down my underwear. I swallowed awaiting her next move. She stroked my outer lip and then slipped her finger in...me. ‘Wow, you’re really wet. I have felt one this wet in a while.’ she said. ‘I’m sorry,” I whimpered. I widen my legs as Ronada examined my vagina. ‘Oh don’t be sorry. It’s beautiful. It’s nice, all soft and pink ’ she whispered. ‘Do you like what I’m doing to you?’ “Yes Ma’am,” I moaned. Ronda buried her face between my legs and hit a spot I didn’t even know exist. That night she taught me...so much. And I felt so good and...I really needed that, at that time.” “Why?” Caroline askes hitting the blunt. “It made me feel like a strong woman.” Desdemona gets up and takes red spray paint. She draws a bunch of circles on the wall. “There.” “What is it?” “A vagina. I figure men love to draw dicks everywhere, so I figure, fuck them let’s draw a bloody vag.” “Okay, it doesn’t look like a vagina.” They hear voices coming from the alley. “Shit, we should go.” Desdemona whispers. They grab the cans and run off laughing. *** Caroline and Desdemona sit on the couch watching TV. Caroline’s phone beeps. “It's Celia. She wants to know where I am.” Caroline sits up and types, “spending the night at Nicole's house tonight.” “I can't go home right now,” Caroline puts down her phone and bats her eyes. “Can I spend the night?” “Sure,” Desdemona says. Caroline puts her head on Desdemona's shoulder. "You are so pretty." "Stop it." "And so warm." Desdemona chuckles. "Why don't you fool around with me? Is it because I'm not pretty?" "I never said you weren't pretty." "Then let's fool around," Caroline said kissing her neck. Desdemona gets up, “You have the couch. I'll get you a pillow and then I gotta crash.” *** In the morning, Caroline gets up and makes coffee. Darla comes in a silky black robe. She pushes Caroline out of the way. “I'm making me and Desi coffee,” Darla smirks. “Oh,” Caroline stirs her coffee, “You need help?” “No,” Darla adds cream to one cup, “I know the way she likes it.” “That's a lot of cream.” “Desi likes her coffee super sweet. Especially since she gets this cheap shit coffee." Darla grabs the two cups and leaves. Caroline quietly follows her. *** Darla sets down the coffee cups on Desdemona's nightstand and shakes her shoulders. Desdemona slowly opens and rub her eyes. Darla places the coffee in front of her face. “Good morning babe.” “Coffee. You're so awesome.” Desdemona takes a huge gulp of coffee and scoots over. Darla crawls in bed beside her. “I don't want to go to the shoot today. Stupid movie.” Desdemona wraps her arms around Darla. “What are you doing today?” “Calendar photo shoot.” “Ohh photo shoot, Can I come and watch?” “Only if you bring me diamonds.” “Maybe I will.” Darla and Desdemona laugh. Caroline inhales and blinks away her tears. She knocks on the door. Desdemona rises up shocked. “Hey Car, I'm sorry...I didn't hear you...um good morning.” “Hey, I just wanted to tell you...that I'm about to head out.” “Oh, do you want a ride?” Caroline shakes her head, “I’m good.” “Okay,” Desdemona drinks her coffee, “Hang out later?” Caroline nods and walks out. *** Desdemona shows up at the photo studio. Head turn as she walks. A man greets her. “Are you Desdemona Potts?” “Yea.” “Well welcome.” “Is it cool me hanging out?” “While for you, of course.” He chuckles. “I’m actually looking for the calendar shoot.” “Yea. Yea. I’ll show you.” She walks into the room to see half-naked women everywhere. Everyone turns to her. The girls gasp and giggle. “Hey ladies.” she smiles and waves. The photographer approaches her, “Desdemona Potts, big fan, what brings you here?” “I came to see Darla at work.” “Darla?” “Darla Sinclair.” “Oh, the hot leprechaun.” “Hey, hot leprechaun” he calls out. Darla walks out topless with a short green skirt and sleeves, with a green top hat and green eye shadow. Darla stops and gasp. “What are you doing here?” “Finished the shoot today, so I thought I’d come to see you at work.” The photographer laughs, “Oh you’re into redheads.” Darla walks up and tries to cover herself. “What are you doing? Nothing I haven’t seen before.” Desdemona whipsters. “I know, it’s just...I hope you don’t think I look...trashy.” “No, you look amazing.” Darla smiles, “So you’re cool with what I do?” “I get it, you do what you have to do. It’s your life.” Desdemona pulls out a box out of her jacket pocket, “Oh I got you this.” Darla opens the box. She gazes a beautiful pair of ruby and diamond earrings. “Wow.” “You like them?” “I love them...but you didn’t have to.” “You said to bring you diamonds so I did.” Darla kisses Desdemona.
  4. Chapter 3- Wanna Bleed Celia swings the jail door open, stomping out. Caroline silently follows. They get in car neither say anything. Celia throws Caroline's belongings at her. Caroline digs through to find her phone. Several missed calls and texts, but one sticks out. Desdemona Are you okay? *** Shawn lays above Desdemona in bed. She grabs on to the wall, grasping. He kisses her breast and lifts her legs. He thrust his hips into hers. She gasps and whimpers. He kisses her lips. She kisses back. “Cut.” Desdemona turns to the director, walking toward them. “Great job guys. Take a break while we reset.” “Cool,” Shawn says, still lying on top of Desdemona. Desdemona motions to her assistant, Natalie. Natalie walks up with a robe. “Nice job,” Shawn whispers in her ear, before rolling off of her. Desdemona quickly gets up and puts on the robe. As she walks off the set, she sees Jesse sitting on the sideline. “Hey what are you doing here?” “I didn’t have school today so I thought I’d come by and watch the shoot.” “Well, how did it look?” She sits down next to him. “Are you okay Des?” “Yea, It’s just Shawn was getting, really into it.” “Did he you hurt you?” “Um...no...maybe I’m just being weird.” “Des, if you’re uncomfortable, we can tell…” “No. I don’t want to be difficult. I knew what I was getting into. I just hope it was convincing. It’s been a while since I’ve kissed a guy. You know what I mean?” Desdemona chuckles. Jesse looks confused but then laughs. *** Smoke fills the living room. Caroline sits on the couch with her notebook. Desmonda sits on the floor with hers. “So what’s the deal with you and Darla?” “I like her. She likes me. The sex is great. But we don’t label things.” “But you like her?” “Darla is pretty much perfect. She’s fucking smart, doesn't fall for bullshit, always fun. And of course beyond hot.” “Is she your usual type?” “I don’t know if I really have much of a type, ” Desmonda says. “But my childhood crush was Daphne from Scooby Doo.” Caroline smirked, “So you like the curvy, dumb redheads?” “Hey Daphne wasn’t dumb and neither is Dar,” Desdemona says. “But yes I guess. Plus that sexy southern accent is the icing on the cake,” Desdemona clears her throat. “Can we talk about music?” “Okay, do you write the music or the lyrics first?” “Lyrics. Words are the most important.” “That’s my problem, I can’t think of words,” Caroline says. “That’s the problem your thinking.” Desdemona jumps on the couch. “You got to feel the words deep down in your darkest parts,” Desdemona said. “Great writing. Great words. Comes from your ugly side. Writing isn’t heaven it’s hell. It’s doesn't come, god, great music, especially great rock and roll comes from the devil.” She sits down next to her, “You gotta cut yourself and let yourself bleed on the page.” “You sound like my dad.” “Oh really?” “Yea, he would tell me, ‘you must bleed for art’, ” Caroline said. “But I don’t know if I’m ready to go full bleed.” “Why did get your arrested?” “What?” “You heard me.” “Ok….because Duff was dumb enough is drive high.” “Then why did you get in the car, if you knew that?” “Honestly. I think…maybe I wanted to get caught...maybe a little.” “You thought getting arrested would cool like in the movies huh?” “Maybe.” Caroline brushes her hair out of her face, “It was actually fucking scary.” “Yea, I remember when I was arrested. But at least you got bail.” “Yea but now Celia is on my ass,” Caroline leans back. “I feel...that my family only pays attention to me when I do bad things. Like I have to do something dramatic for them to notice me. Like I feel like I have...to sit a street screaming with blood on hands, for anyone to care.” Caroline takes a breath, “That sounds super dark huh?” “Yeah but that’s actually great imagery.” Desdemona caps her pen, “In the street, I scream and bleed. But no one looks up to see.” “That’s good.” “What about this chorus?” “I wanna bleed,” Desdemona sings. “I wanna scream. I can’t live this way no more. I wonder if you would even see. If I was gone, would you just replace me.” “Love that,” Caroline said. “You just came up with that now.” “Kind of. It feels too cheesy though.” “No, it doesn't.” “It’s needs something, more poetic yet real.” The door opens and Riley and Justin walk in. “Hey, guys how’s the job search going?” Desdemona says to them. “It’s going,” Riley turns to Caroline. “Don’t think we have formally met. I’m Riley, Desi’s roommate.” She shakes his head. Justin follows. Riley throws his arm around Justin’s waist, “This is Justin, my boyfriend.” “Hello, Caroline,” Justin says shaking Caroline’s hand. “You guys are together, aw.” The boys sit down next to each other. “Together since high school,” Riley says before turning to Desdemona. “So I’ve applied for dinner, restaurant, and drive-thru around the neighborhood. Hopefully, something bites.” “It’s cool either way,” Desdemona says picking up the bong again. “You guys can stay here for free. I got it.” “And we love you for it,” Justin says. “But we to have learned how to pull our weight.” Riley flops down on the conch, “You’re loading another bowl right?” “Done.” Desdemona hands him the bong.
  5. Chapter 2- Child of the Night “I’m a child of the night. Spouse of the dark. Mind of an owl. Eyes of a cat.” Desdemona sits in hair and makeup on her headphones on. The wardrobe lady brings out a rack of shorts and tank tops. “Where did those clothes come from?” “Umm, the director called for a wardrobe change.” “No way am going to fit into these.” Desdemona holds up a pair of shorts, “How is my ass supposed to fit into these?” “Diva.”, the wardrobe lady mummers her breath. “Tim, where are you?” Desdemona calls out. Tim comes in, “Desi dear calm down. What's the matter?” “I really feel it's pretty reasonable to ask why my wardrobe suddenly changed.” “I know it's not your style, but the label thinks important for you to appeal more...sexy to women and...men.” “I'm not exactly wanting to be 'appealing’ to men,” She huffs. “I get it. I do. I'm gay too...but this is what we need to do...just for now to your career going...just play ball.” She takes a deep breath. “Fine. But next time I would like a little notice.” “Noted. You'll look fabulous don't matter what you wear.” *** She leans against the car on the sound stage pulling down her jeans shorts while trying to pull up the skilly tank top again. “Ready.” the director yells out to her. She nods. “Action.” “I’m a child of the night. Spouse of the dark,” she sings on the car. “Mind of an owl. Eyes of a cat.” The camera move closer. The camera moves right in front of her face. She gets frazzled and stops. “Cut,” The director yells as he approaches her. “What's the problem now?” She hears the crew smirking. “Nothin. Just does the camera have to get...that close?” The director turns to the cameraman, “Don't pull in too close to her face.” The director turns back to Desdemona, “Also could you smile while you sing.” Desdemona bites her lip and nods. *** Desdemona and Jesse stand above a hole in the ground. Desdemona is covered in blood. “I can’t dig anymore.” “It has to be deeper, Hunter said it has to be deep.” “Then Hunter should be the one digging the body. Why do you keep coming back to that guy?” “I love him.” “He’s a killer and he’s making you bury the bodies.” “You don’t understand him.” They stood there quietly. The camera crew shifts their eyes. Desdemona’s eyes grow as she tries to steady her breath. She looks at Jesus looking down. Jesse turns to the director, “What’s the line?” “Cut.” the director calls. The director walks up to them, “Jesse the line is, ‘he’s not good you. With him, you're going to end up jail or dead.” The director turns to Desdemona, “And Des, when you say you love him, put some more feeling into. Like you mean it.” *** “Like you mean it.” Desdemona sits on her couch next to Shawn. “I don’t ‘mean’. I don’t get this character. Hunter is a douchebag. She should have dumped his assistant before the bodies started dropping.“ Shawn places his hand on her thigh. “But that’s what being an actor is all about. I love playing bad people. I like becoming engrossed in a twisted mind.” “Maybe this role wasn’t a good fit for me.” “Come on Des,” Shawn says moving his hand. Desdemona quietly shifts slightly to the other side of the couch. “I don’t think I should have taken this role either.” Jesse says from the other couch, “I’m not sure if even like acting.” “Don’t you two quit.” “I don’t quit,” Desdemona says puffing on a joint. As they smoke Jesse looks at the joint. “You want a hit?” “What does it do? Pot?” “Just relaxes your mind. Makes you happy.” “And makes food taste 100 times better.” Shawn holds out the joint, “You want to at least try it?” “Will it hurt?” “You’ll cough. But just take it slow,” Desdemona puts the joint in her mouth, “Just put it to your lips and breathe slowly in through your mouth.” She says through her lips. Jesse takes the joint and hits it. He starts coughing up a storm. Desdemona hands him a water bottle. He gobbles it down. “How to do I know if it’s working.” *** Desdemona and Jesse lay on the floor next to each other. Shawn is passed out. “You good bro?” “I feel like I'm in a coma. But in a good way...does that make sense?” Desdemona laughs, “Yes it does. You're first high is like that.” "You are so cool. I wish I knew you as a kid." "Please, you would not have liked me as a kid." "What is that supposed to mean?" "Come on, you are a Hollywood rich kid with the coolest dad ever. I was a fuzzy haired girl fro, the ghetto bound to end getting arrested." "Why do you demean yourself like that?" "I'm self-aware. I know what people think of me." *** Caroline passes a pipe around with her new boyfriend, Duff as he drives. He drives recklessly until they hear sirens. “Oh my god” Caroline waves her hands panicking, “Oh my god.” Caroline looks over and sees a cop car directly behind him. Duff pulls over. Caroline scrambles to hide the weed. They hear taps on the window. Duff rolls down the window to see a cop. The cop immediately sees the pot. “Please get out of the car. Both of you.” Caroline gets out holding her hands up. Duff gets out smirking. “IDs please.” Caroline hands him her id. “Sir? Where is your ID?” “Pot is legal in Cali so you can do anything.” He said handing the cop his license. The cop looks at the IDs. “Not for minors. You're both under asset. “ “Shit, dude really? Can you just be cool?” “Sir turns around and put your hands behind your back.” “Babe just do it.” Duff pulls out a bundle of cash, “About how much would it take for you leave us alone?” “Trying to bribe an officer, will making things only to made this worst.” The officer pushes Dustin against the car and handcuffs him. He turns to Caroline. “It's going to be okay. Nobody going to hurt you.” “My mom is going to be so mad.” “You seem like a nice girl.” He handcuffs her, “But I got to take you in.” And of course, the minute she was handcuffed, the paparazzi appeared with their camera flashing as she slid into the back of the cop car.
  6. Seventeen-year-old Caroline Abrams desires to get out from under the shadow of her megastar father, Aaron Abrams, when she becomes obsessed with young singer and songwriter, Desdemona’Potts. Desdemona desires to be top and is willing to do anything to advance her career. When these two meet, fires are set and headlines are made.
  7. A microphone appears with only an outline of the girl speaking. "You know it gets fucking cold on the streets, I sleep on A lost soul without a home. Hoping someone would find me, Feed me, Take care of me, Maybe even love me. I wander alone in dark every night. Living on the scarps of human affection The stray black cat I've always been." The spotlight shines on 16-year-old Desdemona Potts. She pulls on her guitar strings and slowly begins to play. She sings in a deep voice. "I'm an outcast. I geeettt it. I'm not asking you save me You don't have to understand me" Her beat picks up. "I'mm black cat. And I can't change that. Unwanted. Unlucky. Unloved. Aaabandoneddd. Black cat." Her curly brown hair with messy red and blue highlights hang on the side of her face. Her big brown eyes, dark and bitter. "You see me, you hide. Tell your kids to stay awwwayyy Can't say I disagree But at least I know I'm lossstttttt." She smiles as she plays a short guitar solo. "I'mm black cat. And I can't change that. Unwanted. Unlucky. Unloved. Aaabandoneddd. Black cat." She sings confidently, her ripped jeans are tight and her T-shirt is loose. "Can. you. see. the scars on my. Arms? Tell me. Am I. Still bleeedinggg? Holy fuck. Here comes the rain. I guess the rapture is comingggg" Her voice gets a bit quieter "I'm left behind. No fucking surprise I'mm black cat. And I can't change that. Unwanted. Unlucky. Unloved. Aaaabandoneddd. Black cat." She punches the last note. Everybody at the bar claps as the stage lights come on. She smiles and bows, "Thank you. I'm Desdemona Potts, thank you for coming." She bows again and walks off the stage into the backroom of the bar. She puts her guitar in her case. Sammy, the bartender smiles at her, "Good show as always Des." "Thanks, Sammy, I dedicated it in loving memory of Aaron Abrams." she lifts the case, "Overdosed. I can't believe it." "Oh yea, rock legend. We used to think he was immoral, but I guess don't matter how rich and famous you are, you fall just as hard." *** Desdemona fiercely writes on a notepad as she rides the bus. The bus driver looks up. "Writing a song?" "Yea, it's like I'm possessed." "You know my route is almost over." "You know where I get off." Desdemona walks from the bus stop into her trailer park. "Hey, Des." A familiar voice calls out. "What's up, Riley?" Riley Johnson, clean cut wearing his football jersey, joins her walk. "Justin and I got into a huge fight. He's mad because I won't tell my parents...about us." "Riley, you like cock. You've always liked cock," She unlocks her door. "You even got a boyfriend." They step into the small, wore out the trailer. "Anybody home?" she mocks, "Just kidding no one is ever home." She flops down on the couch, "I'm going to load a bowl. You smoking with me?" Riley moves her feet to sit down, "Coach wouldn't like me smoking weed." "Coach wouldn't like you fucking the linebacker either," she laughs getting out her bong. "So might as well go the whole nine yards...hey that's a sports reference, ironic." "Fine, I'll smoke a little." She loads the weed into the bong, "Anyway, I think you should tell your folks. It's who you are if they don't accept that, that's their fucking problem." He rolls his eyes, "Like coming out worked so well with your family." Desdemona pauses and takes a breath with her eyes closed. Riley bites his lip, realizing what he said. "I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't have..." Desdemona takes a hit then passes it. "It's okay. One day, I'm going to be in LA. Wiping my ass with hundred dollar bills as I smoke weed out of a diamond-crusted pipe. Then they can all suck it." Riley takes a hit and passes it. She takes another hit, "You know what, don't tell your parents. Justin will get over it, that boy would do anything for you," She passes the bong. "for now let's just enjoy the weed and jam the late great, Aaron Abrams." *** Twelve-year-old Caroline Abrams climbs into the black limo wearing a black dress, clutching a photo of a middle-aged man with long brown hair and a blue leather jacket. She looks out at the LA city lights. Her 16-year-old brother Jesse, clean cut, brown curly haired in next to her. "You okay Car?" Tears fall down her chubby face from her aqua blue eyes, "Daddy's dead, Jesse. Of course, I'm not okay." Celia Abrams, black-haired and semi wrinkled face in a conservative black suit dress, climbs in and sits across from her children, she tries her best to wipe away her own tears. "It was beautiful service, right? Wasn't nice that all your daddy's celebrity friends came out?" Caroline sniffs, "Can we go home now?" Her dad's photo folded into his fist, she brushes back her hair. *** Caroline stares at the city lights from her room at her mother's mansion. It was a big, but bare room. She hears a noise. She looks down to see a black cat outside in the entryway. Caroline runs out if the room and starts going down the stairs. "Caroline," Celia yells. "It's one the morning, what are you doing?" Celia follows her down the stairs yelling. "Caroline, get back to your room." Caroline runs out of the house. "Kitty. Kitty." Celia runs out yelling, "Caroline Abrams get back in the house." "There's a stray cat that needs help." Celia rolled her eyes and then rubs Caroline's shoulders, "Honey I know, you're hurting but you can't just go around chasing strays." *** Years Later- Now Seventeen-year-old Caroline throws up in the toilet. One hand pulling her hair back, the other in her mouth. She removes her fingers and wipes her mouth. She flushes the toilet and looks in the mirror. She puts on black eyeliner all around her eyes and straightens out her school uniform. "Caroline, come on." She comes down the stairs to find Celia waiting at the door, "Car, come on, you'll make me late." "Whatever." Celia signs, "Hopefully they let you in, looking like that." "Whatever." Ceila and Caroline walk out the door only see paparazzi right outside the gate. The cameras flashing, gives Caroline a headache, but it seems like background noise to Celia. *** Caroline stands in the school bathroom, at the sink on her phone. A guy sits on the floor, rolling a joint and lights it. "You want to suck on this girl." She grabs the joint and smokes it. He laughs as he guides his hand up and down her thigh. She just shakes her head. "Calm the fuck down." "Come on, not even a bj?" She pushes him off. "I'll give you blow job if and when I want to." She pulls a Youtube video up, of Desdemona singing. "Kiss my ass. Go fuck yourself. I hope you die in a pile of your own shit I want you to. Go hell." She passes the joint to him. He puffs. "She seems cool." "She is awesome. I love this song." The door burst open and a nun walks in sniffing in the room. "Fuck." "Caroline Abrams, you put that out and go you the principal's office now." "Go fuck yourself." "Excuse Me. Do I need to get the ruler?" "Shove that ruler up your ass." *** Celia walks out of the school, swinging the open the door. Caroline walks behind her, "And you wonder why I'm 'so dramatic'." "I don't know what to do with you, Caroline. You've been kicked out of the best school in LA." "Because I don't belong in school. I should be out to in the studio, starting my career." "Caroline you're too young." "Daddy was doing world tours at my age." "I don't care. You're not ready. And you're going to school." Paparazzi run toward them. "Caroline, Caroline is it true you got kicked out?" "Caroline, Caroline are you on drugs?" "Caroline, Caroline would your father approve of your bad behavior?" She shot a dirty look that one, she was about to flip him the bird when Celia dragged her into the car. *** Smoke fills the stage. Desdemona appears in ripped jeans and black leather jacket, holding her guitar. “Come on to my show. Come see me sing. Come to the fucking magic show.” “Come on my show. I’ll be your entertainment. Come to the tragic show. We'll dance ta la la and we’ll sing ah ah ah. I’ll be you, clown, tonight. Come on to my show. Come see me sing. Come to the fucking magic show.Come on my show. I’ll be your entertainment. Come to the tragic show.” The crowd cheered. Desdemona blinks, wiping her forehead. “Thank you.” “Hey Desdemona, ” a hot redhead screams out, before pulling up her white top, exposing her bare breast. Desdemona’ laughs and tips her head staring into what she could see of her bright blue eyes. “Thank you. Um” “Thank you all.” *** Security guards lined up as Desdemona passes through to her dressing room, girls screamed and reached out to her. “Miss please get back.” A guard said anciently brushing again a woman’s chest. “Hey did you just touch my boob?” Desdemona turned around to the redhead. “Um..I’m sorry...I didn’t mean to.” The guard stumbles. “Let her in.” The girl brushes her hair back revealing her blue eyes. “Miss Potts.” “Let her in.” He lifts his arm and the red-head crawls through. Desdemona motioned to the room. The redhead nods, waving good-bye to the guard, and walking into the dressing room. *** “You’re the girl that flashed me.” “I always try to leave an impression,” She smiles. “More like two impressions,” Desdemona chuckles. “And is that a southern accent I hear?” “I just moved for Alabama,” she says nodding. “I hear your accent too. You're from Texas right?” “Yea. It's very different here.” Desdemona sits down on the couch. “Yea.” Darla says laying her leg between Desdemona’s lap, “So it’s nice to hear a familiar voice.” Desdemona wraps her arms around Darl’s waist. Darla’s kisses her. “I always wanted to screw a big rockstar.” Desdemona kisses her, sliding her hand under Darla’s shirt. “I'm not that big. I only have one album.” Darla slid her hand over Desdemona’s stomach. “But it's a hit album.” “It's a start,” Desdemona says takes off Darla's shirt. “So I’m going to warn to now. I don’t do relationships,” “Oh after you have me, you’re definitely come back for more.” Desdemona sucks on her breast. Darla moans. “Oh, yea.” Desdemona takes off her pants and opens her legs pulling Darla’s body toward her. “You’re intense.” “Want me to stop?’ “No ma’am.” Desdemona buries her face into Darla’s breast. “You want to finger you then suck you off or suck you and then finger you until you cum.” “Fuck me any way you want.” Desdemona inserts her finger in her vagina and sucks her breast. “Oh my god.” “You like that?” “Yea, I like that, harder.” Desdemona moves faster, she huffs. “Oh god, that’s good.” “Oh yea, you feel so wet.” They moan. Desdemona rams into her, feeling Darla’s body build up. Desdemona moves down and her places her lips on Darla’s vagina. “Oh my god. Oh my god. Right there.” Darla grasps. Desdemona pulls off and kisses Darla's thigh. “You’re amazing.” “You’re beautiful.” *** Desdemona sits down at the table and pulls out the script. She looks at the screen reading “Ragging table read.” Seasoned actor Shawn Huston sits down next to her. “Hey, Shawn.” “Excited for your first table read?” “Yea it's exciting to find out you whose playing whose...I just...don't want to embarrass myself. I've memorized some of my lines and not all of them yet.” “I've done a hundred table reads. Nobody expects you to be off book, relax.” “I can't wait to get to cover in blood.” “I can’t wait for you and me to do our love scenes.” Desdemona rolls her eyes. The chair beside her shifts. They turn to see a fresh looking script neatly highlighted. Desdemona looks up to see Jesse Abrams. He smiled and held out his hand, “Hi, I’m Jesse Abrams, I’m playing Ethan, I look forward to working with you.” Desdemona shakes his hand, “I’m Desdemona Potts, I’m playing Romana the slutty serial killer.” Shawn waves, “I’m Shawn Hudson, playing Hunter, the abusive alcoholic serial killer.” “Wow, this is my first time acting.” “I know how you feel,” Desdemona says. “This my first time acting too. I mean last year I played to background dancer in a movie but this is totally different.” “Well, at least we can be nervous together.” *** Desdemona’s music blasts through Caroline’s room as she paints her toenails while Jesse on speaker. “So mom is being a total bitch.” “She’s always a bitch, according to you Caroline.” “Now I got to go this group for troubled teens. Until she finds another school for me. You’re so lucky you get to move out.” “Because I’m going to college. Because I actually finished high school.” Caroline rolls her eyes, “So how you first table read?” “Awesome. Guess who I met?” “Who?” “Promise to keep it a secret.” “Cross my heart hope to die,” Caroline says. “Stick a needle in my eye.” “I met Desdemona Potts.” Caroline screams. “What is she like?” “She’s really nice and cool,” Jesse says. “She actually invited me a chill with her at this house party tonight.” “Can I come?” “I don’t know.” “Please. Please. I won’t stop until you pick me up.” *** Caroline walks in with Jesse. They look through the crowded house. “Whose place is this?” Caroline whispered. “No idea,” Jesse said. Caroline grasps as Desdemona walks in with a blunt in her mouth and Darla beside her. “Hey, Desdemona.” “Hey, Jesse.” Their eyes meet. Caroline feels her heart beating staring into those big dark brown eyes, staring at her up and down with amazement. “Des, this is my sister Caroline.” Desdemona shifts and holds out the blunt. “Y'all want some?” Jesse waves his hand down, “We’re okay.” “I want a hit,” Caroline says taking the blunt. Jesse’s eyebrow raised, “Car you don’t have to.” “I smoke weed all the time.” “I don’t think you should…” “No pressure here. I don’t make people do things they don’t want to do,” Desmonda says. “But if she wants to a take a hit, puff puff pass.” Jesse shifts between them, “Okay Car, if you really want to but don’t over it.” “Bro, please.” Caroline looks into Desmonda’s dark eyes as she put the blunt to her lips and breathed in. As she takes a second breath in, she could see the corners of Desdemona’s mouth rise, to a little-impressed smile. Caroline holds the blunt out in front of the group. Darla clears her throat and took it. Giving Caroline a dirty look as she takes her hint. “Why don’t we go dance Desi?” Darla demands, grabbing Desdemona’s arm. Desdemona takes the blunt from Darla. “I don’t want to dance. I want to sit.” Darla rolls her eyes and looks at Jesse, ”You want to dance with me?” “I would love to,” Jesse says smiling. He turns Caroline, “You can come dance with us.” “I’m going to go sit down too,” Caroline replied her eyes shifting between Jesse and Desdemona. “Okay but come find me if you need me.” “I will.” Jesse looks at Darla and smiles. She walks toward the dance floor. Jesse follows. Desdemona turns away and walks off. Caroline follows her, pushing herself through the crowd. Desdemona flops down on a couch in an empty room. Caroline sat down across from her. “Hi.” Desdemona takes the blunt out of her mouth and holds it out. “You want another hit?” Caroline takes it, “Yes.” Caroline hits the blunt, “I’m a big fan.” “Thanks.” “I listen to your music all the time. Your lyrics are so dark...but like...scary soul-sucking beautiful.” Desdemona nods, “Thanks.” Caroline giggles. “You good?” “I am...really nervous sitting with you right now. But I guess you must be nervous too right?” “Why do you say that? “Because I am ‘Aaron Abrams's daughter’.” “I don't give a shit who your father is.” Caroline scoots toward her, “Sure you don’t.” Desdemona scoots away. “How old you?” “17.” “Wow don’t tell no one. I’m letting to smoke.” Caroline glazed in her in silence. Desdemona takes the blunt. “I know, you must get like all the time but...where does it come from?” “Where does what come from?” Desdemona asks taking a hit. “Where does the music come from?” “Truth?” “Truth.” “It comes from talking to the devil and bathing in virgin blood.” Caroline’s eyes widen. Desdemona tilts her head and laughs. “You’re kidding, aren’t you?” Desdemona slightly nods. “I’m a poet first. Poetry is the center writing.” “Who are your favorite poets?” Desdemona huffs, “If you can name at least one poet, I’ll tell you.” Caroline sits up, “Percy Bysshe Shelley.” Desdemona lifts her eyebrows. Caroline nods. “I like Romanticism. Seeing love and beauty in everything.” Caroline says, “You?” “I have a couple. Oscar Wilde. Nathaniel Hawthorne. Poe.” Caroline nods, “So Mid Dark. Dark. And super dark.” Desdemona chuckles. “I like darkness I guess. It’s real. It’s primeval. It opens you up and makes you bleed on the page.” Caroline gasps, “See right there. You are so good with words. I could never put words together like that.” “You write music?” She took a breath, “I want to. I’m trying but...I’m having trouble.” “Can you sing?” “Umm…” “Sing for me.” “No.” “It’s kind of important if you want a career in music.” “Well isn’t singing easy?” “You’re kidding, right?” “I'm sure if I wanted to, I could sing and dance.” “You're shitty me. I have been singing and dancing since I could walk. I have worked my ass off to get the chance to make it.” “Wow,” Caroline stands up. “One album and you think you're hot shit.” Desdemona stands up “Well Princess, where is your hit album huh?” Caroline steps closer. “At least I'm not another self-centered pretentious asshole artist.” Desdemona steps closer. “Well, at least I'm not another spoiled brat, who thinks the world should open doors for her, just because of her last name.” “You don't know anything about me,” Caroline yells. Inches away, their eyes lock. Blood boiling between them. “You guys ok?” They turn to see Jesse and Darla. “I'm going to go to take a breather outside.” Caroline steps away. “Hey,” Desdemona calls out, “If you want help writing. I'll help you.” Caroline softens, pulling out her phone. “Yea. I would love that.” They exchange phones. “I'm not doing much Monday. You wanna come over and show what you got?” “Really? Yea, I would love that.” Desdemona hands Caroline her phone back. “Cool.” Caroline hugs her brother, “Thanks for bringing me.” She walks out. “Okay then,” Jesse started. “I guess we'll head out then. Bye Des”. He turns to Darla, “Bye Darla.” Darla awkwardly waves, “Bye.” *** "Here." Caroline texts as the uber pulls up. "Are you sure you want me to drop you off here?" Caroline looked up. It wasn't the Ritz. It was old, rusted...and poor looking. Caroline looked at her phone to double check the address. "Miss?" Desdemona walks out. "That's my friend. Thanks." Caroline tightly grabs her purse. "Are you okay?" "Yea. Yea." "You have never been in this part of LA before, have you?" "No." "Well relax nobody's going to stab you." *** Caroline was stunned by the apartment. It was cool to be hanging out in an adult apartment. It wasn't all fancy and formal like her mansion. Bongs, clothes, and leftover containers were everywhere. The furniture didn't match and had holes in it. "So this your place?" "Yea." Desdemona said. "Are you going to give me a tour?" "..okay?" Desdemona puts her hand on the counter, "Kitchen." She points to couches and TV, "Living room." Desdemona walks out. Caroline takes a breath and follows. Desdemona taps on a white door, "Roommate's room." "You have a roommate?" "Friend from Texas. He's not here right now." "Oh." They walk down the hall. She opens the door. "My room." Caroline looked into the bedroom. It was awesome. Huge rainbow flag hanging and star lights. Her guitar right there by her bed that had black sheets on it. "Hey, I'm going to get my notebook, come on in.” This is what she had prepared for. Being invited into the bedroom. She pushes back her hair and walks in. As Desmonda turns her to find her book, Caroline walks to the bed. "My manager wants me to start working on a second album immediately." Caroline gets on the bed. "He says, the label says, they want a "pop-rock anthem". I don't know what the fuck that means. " Caroline slips her blouse off. "So if you wouldn't mind, I have some..." she turns around. Caroline looks up at her trying to be seductive. Desdemona gets angry. "What are you doing?" "I..." "You really don't care about my music?" Desdemona storms out. "You really got me. I really thought you wanted to discuss music. But you just want to use me." Caroline follows her, putting her top on. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry." She screamed, "I thought that's why you invited me." "What?" "You know, rock star invites the young fan over, no one else is home, leads her to the bedroom." "Uh. You asked for a tour? And you got on my bed?" "I...thought it was...a part of the game. And I really do love your music and I really want to get to know you but I thought I had to sleep with you first. Not that I'm not down with that. But not to use you..." "Stop." Desdemona yelled, "Ok let's get things clear. I'm not fucking you. I ain't doing that to Jesse. If you want to stay you must keep your clothes." "Then why did you invite me over?" "Because you managed to call me an asshole and an artist in one sentence. " Their eyes lock again. Staring in silence. Caroline took a breath. “The sirens were loud” Caroline sang, “Then everything when quiet. Everybody talked. But nobody said anything. And I was screaming Daddy wake up.” Desdemona sits down. “You’re a little pitchy, but a good start.”
  8. Brian and I stood at the bay of the Brooklyn beach in suits. Brian holding the Urn. "I hope this is the right thing to do," I said. "Dad and I never talked about...this." "Yea, but who doesn't want their ashes spend around a beautiful beach," Brian said. "Yea, he probably would have thought it'll be nice." We stood there. Both one of us waiting for the other to open the Urn. "You got a poem or anything?" Brian whispered to me. "No, I don't have anything prepared." The Edwards, Tony, and Owen stood behind us. I turned around to see to everyone. "Would anyone like to say something?" There was a silence as everyone looks around waiting for someone to step up. Mr. Edwards finally stepped forward. "Jim...wasn't a saint. He definitely had flaws. Like we all do. He was troubled. But he had a big heart and he always wanted a better life for his sons. Now maybe he'll finally be free." Everyone awkwardly clapped as no one was sure what to do. Then Matt stepped up. "When James and I were kids, I used to think Mr. Esposito was cool. He was...unconventional. I didn't understand 99% of his jokes but I still laughed. I don't defend him, I'm not saying anything he was right." He looked over at me, "But he was trying to better, and was better at the end. I guess Mr. Esposito can teach us that you always turn your life around." Everyone clapped. Matt and I met eyes. It was almost like a he was the brightest thing against a dark background. He turned back and walked back into the crowd. I turned to Brian and he handed me the Urn. I stepped up closer to the water. I opened the Urn and sprinkled the ashes into the water. I watched it flow away into the ocean. My dad, flowing away into the ocean. I gasped for air. Brian patted me behind as he then took the Urn and took his turn dumping the ashes. *** The next day, we loaded a couple of suitcases in my car. Matt spread out the map. Tony stood with me under the hood, "Everything looks good. You should have no problems." "Thanks, Tony." "Are you going to behave yourself this weekend?" "Yes, Sir." "So...what's the status on you two?" "I don't know, but I hope...some fresh air, might help us figure it out ." Tony nodded and hugged me tightly, "I am so proud of you." *** An interstate road trip is a true test of love. For the first hour, it's fun. Drinking milkshakes and singing really loud when your favorite song comes on the radio, smiling for every picture. For the second hour, the same songs are being played over and over again but you like them so it's okay. Both of you have a full bladder but nobody says anything about it, fewer smiling pictures. By the third hour, the songs have become annoying and both of you are irritated as you have to debate on where you should stop so you may finally release yourself. By the fourth hour, everyone has peed. Everyone has stretched their legs. Everyone has rehydrated. Someone has changed the station. However, it's no longer fun as you begin fighting over road signs. No more pictures. By the fifth hour, every note they sing gives you a headache. You don't if you're there yet. You don't know if you're right, but they are definitely wrong. By the sixth hour, you're both zombies. Nobody is singing. *** There were two queen beds. That's what we had requested. I laid awake that night. I turned on the light and walked to Matt's bed. "Mac," I said shaking his arm. "What?" He groaned as he rolled over. "I need to talk to you." He sat up and moved over. I sat down in bed next to him. "I lied to you." "About what?" *** It was time. It was time to do what I came to this town to do. I knocked on the off white apartment door. I took a deep breath squeezing my hands in my jacket pockets. I lowered head and mumbled the little speech I had practiced. I didn't lift my head when the door opened. I peeked through my hair at the yellow waitress uniform with a white apron. Right above her chest was a name tag that said "Gina". I lifted my head. She had changed a lot. For one, the wild big curly hair that was fashionable in the '80s and was gone. She now had her hair cut right above her shoulders tame and wavy. Two, she had makeup on, but it wasn't as much as she used to. Instead of the colorful glitter, she now had natural tones, well except for her shining red lipstick, but red lips worked for her. Seeing her again made my throat swell up. My speech was suddenly gone, all that came out was, "Hi Mom." She stared at me with her hand over her mouth. "Jimmy?" I nodded. She threw her arms around my neck. I tightly hugged her back. She ran her fingers through the back of my head. "You cut your hair." She cheered before finally letting go of me, "I like it." I nodded trying to stay calm, but failing "I like yours too." She put her hands on my checks, "You've grown up really handsome." She took a breath, "You wanna come inside for a bit?" She held the door open and motioned me in. Her living room was mixed matched but nice and clean. "Can I get you something?" I politely declined. I sat down on her loud flower print couch. "So where are you living nowadays? Last I heard you were living with that nice teacher." "I'm now living in a college dorm," I said. Her eyes grew big, "College? Wow." "Yea." I nodded nervously shifting my feet. "I have a college boy." "Um Listen...I came here to tell you some big news." I inhaled, "Dad died." She dropped down next to me. Her eyes were closed and she put her hand over her lips. "What happened?" she sniffed. "Heart attack." I simply said. She shifted, "How are you doing?" I folded my hands, "Feeling every emotion, yet none at the same time." She went quiet for a while. "It shocks me you know." I said, "It shocks me that I actually miss him." She was still quiet. "Mom...how are you feeling?" "Guilty," she said. "When we were locked up in that apartment and he was beating us and all...I was so angry that I used to...I used to..." "Wish he was dead?" I finished her statement nodding my head, "Yea, I used to wish that too." She grabbed my hand. I squeezed hers tightly. I heard her start to cry. "I did love him, " she cried. "Maybe he wasn't 'the love of my life', but I did love him. He was charming, funny, sweet. And of course, I hated him. And I thought I wanted him dead...but now..." I place my head on her neck, "I know. I understand." She kissed my forehead, "I'm sorry I wasn't there...and I know we didn't leave off in the best foot." "Yea." I shifted away, "When you freaked out on me when I told you that I'm gay." She looked at me with her mouth open, trying to speak but was struggling. But I knew what she was going to ask. "The answer is yes, mom. I'm still gay." "Oh." she said, "Are you sure?" "Yes!" I screamed, "Trust me I know. And if you don't believe me ask all the guys that have fucked me." She gave me this look of confusion and disgust, "Why this such a big deal to you?" I shifted myself on the couch facing her sideways, "It's a big deal because you were the fucking one person I thought would understand me. The one person saw me without the make-up. And I trusted you with the biggest secret of my life...and you tore me apart. You know dad was completely open and cool about it. He actually kind of excited that I had a boyfriend and everything." She looked at me with a blank stare. I got up from the couch. "No reply uh? Well then so be it. If you don't want to be in my life. Well then so be it." I tried to wipe my tears, "But I think it would shame because I love you so much." She brushed her hair back and sniffed. "I love you too, you're my baby. And maybe if you give me some time. Come on you just threw a fucking lot on me." She got up, "I ain't even been able to process my husband's death and then you throw this gay stuff at me again." she shook her head, "I never stopped thinking about you, honestly. Just give me some fucking time." I nodded. "Okay Whatever. I didn't come here for this." I reached into my pocket and pulled out the tiny bottle, "I came to give you the news and to give this back to you." I held out the bottle. She smiled a little when she saw it, "Maria red lipstick. You kept it after all this time?" "Yea, of course," I choked. "And now I'm giving it back." "Why? I thought you loved this one?" "I did." I said finally calming down, "But I don't need it anymore. I don't need to wear makeup anymore." She took the bottle and tightly hugged me. "Let's please try to keep in touch," she whispered. "Okay," I whispered back. "I would like it." *** I walked into the motel to see Matt looking through his suitcase. Without a shirt on. The second he saw me, he strangely tried to cover the chest. As if we haven't already seen each other naked. "I got a stain on my shirt," he felt the need to explain. "So I'm looking for a clean one." I just nodded, taking my coat off. "How did it go with your mom?" I sat down on his bed. "Wasn't the best, but wasn't the worst," I said. "I'll give her some time." "So how is she..." "Just stop." I blurted out. I grabbed his arm. "I don't want to talk about her now." I took a breath. "I want to talk about us." He moved away from me. "Are you serious this time?" He screamed. I opened my mouth to speak, but I couldn't put an answer together. "Should I go? " he commanded. "No." I bit grabbing his arm again. "Then what am I here for James huh?" he huffed, "Are you going to sleep with me then leave me crying again?" Then I grabbed his neck, "No." He pushed me away. Hard. I pushed him down. He pulled me down with him. We rolled around on the carpet fighting each other. But then we started breathing heavy. I think it was all the physical activity. My back was against the rough carpet. My fingers were on his neck. Matt's hands were squeezing my chest. Our legs intertwined. I stared up at him and he stared down at me. "Isn't it funny, how things change?" He said, "When we were kids we used to wrestle and roll around like it was nothing. But now we wrestle with a whole new meaning..." I lightly kissed on the lips, "I love you. I've never stopped loving you and I miss you every minute you're not with me." He moved down and kissed me. Hard. I, of course, returned with the same passion. He slipped a hand underneath my shirt, "I'm sorry I overreacted about...well, everything. I shouldn't know better. I'll try to take things more slow and not freak out." He whispered. I kissed his neck, "I'm sorry, I shut you out. And I'll try to be more open to you and never leave you crying ever again." I started unbuttoning his jeans. He took the hit. *** I laid down next to him placing my head on his chest. "Hey Jamie, I guess what I've been thinking about?" "What?" I chuckled. "I think maybe I'll become a film teacher." "I think you would be good at that Mac." "Yea, I love film, and I would love to teach kids some special." I put my hand on his stomach, "Well as long you don't start looking like a teacher." Matt chuckled, "Oh so you won't love me if I get old and fat." "Will love me if I get fat and ugly?" I asked. He laughed again, "Like that's ever going to happen." I looked up at him, "What is suppose to mean?" He smiled, "You're James Esposito, you're always be hot." I got up to find a fresh notebook as well as my old black one. After I dug for a decent pencil, I sat back down next to Matt. "Jamie, is something happening here?" "Mac, I going to write a book, about my life and everything." On the top, I wrote on a clean page. My earliest memories were sitting on my busted up bed hearing my parents yelling, hearing the breaking of beer bottles.
  9. "You know what." Brian said pacing back and forth in the emergency waiting room, "Maybe this will force him to slow down. You know really stick around." "You're kidding yourself," I smirked. Then we heard footsteps coming closer. I looked up to see Shawna, Alfreda...and Matt. I stared down at the floor. "How's he doing?" Shawna asked us. "The doctor is with him." We were all silent for about a minute. "Hey," Alfreda finally said. "Shawna, how about you and I go get everybody some coffee" As soon as the girls left the room a nurse motioned to Brian and Owen then took him to fill out some more stuff. Matt and I were left alone. He walked around and sat down next to me. "How..." he whispered, "How you doing?" I closed my eyes and took a breath. "You don't have to be here." I smirked, "Don't you have a date or something?" He grabbed my hand, "Jamie you know that you're more important than anything to me." I removed my hand from his grip and look at the ceiling, "Why do you care? I'm not you're my boyfriend anymore. I wouldn't care if I was you." "You know that you don't mean that." Fuck, he was right. I finally looked at him, "Do you know what was happening when he had his heart attack?" He shook his head, "No. What?" I shifted up in my seat, "I was telling him I was gay." "What did he say?" "He didn't say anything...he just collapsed." "Oh," he grasped. "...you must feel awful." "I do. I should be in there making peace or something. But I can't because I'm still so angry at him." "I know babe," he said grabbing my hand again. *** I find my deepest pain around you. I find my brokenness inside your hand. Yet when I think of you...I crave your attention...I rely on your love. And I see your face and...I go back to a child just wanting their Daddy. I sat by my dad's bed trying to write. "How's he doing?" Brian whispered walking in carrying a shopping bag. I watched him set down some newspapers, venture machine food, and two bottles of water while he talked about his plans. He acted so...so put together. He seemed so calm. It frustrated me. "You're just so good at this, aren't you," I smirked. "I'm just trying to take care of things." He bit back. I walked over to him, "Well I guess that's easy when you don't have to feel anything." "Don't tell me how I'm feeling. I'm his son too." He bit. I heard my dad call out my name, "Jimmy." "Oh god, dad it's James" I barked again. "Calm down, dude," Brian said. "I'm sorry son," he said lying in that hospital bed. "Did you hear what I said, dad? Before? At the apartment?" I asked. "Um...you said that you were um..." "Gay." I choked, "I said that I'm gay...because I am." He stared me for a while. "James..." He started. "I made it a point not to judge people... hell who am I to judge anybody. But the thing is that I don't think I ever really known a gay." I was shocked. I'd had never thought of he would response this calmly. "How are you feeling about this dad? Please tell me what's going through your head?" He blinked, "So how long has this been goin on?" I nodded, that was a reasonable question. "That depends on what you're asking. If you're asking me how long I've been out about it, it's been about a year. If you're asking me how long I've been gay...then I think that's been going on my whole life." "Excuse me son, but how do you know?" Another reasonable question. "Well, I'll spare you the details," Then I remembered something. "Dad...when I kiss a guy I feel like I'm on a desert weak enough to faint." His face lit up with a sudden understanding, "So while you were yellin at me you mentioned a guy? You got a boyfriend or something?" Wow, he had to ask that. I bit my lip and attempted to blink away the tears. "Yea, I do." I swelled up. I didn't it say it to lie. I didn't it say it to be in denial. I said because I realized that doesn't matter what happened...I still had a boyfriend. "Wow," he said. "What's this fellas name?" "It's Matt. Matthew Edwards." He busted out laughing, "While lookie there. It doesn't get any better than The Edwards. You caught a good one." "I know. I know." I looked over Brian who anxiously stood at the foot of the bed waiting to share. "Guess who Brian's dating?" He came and sat by me. "It's Owen," Brian explained."My roommate." "Whoa," Dad chuckled. "ain't that an added twist." He was glowing with happiness. But I couldn't enjoy that happiness. Even though it seems like I was having a great time with my dad, his presence still bothered me. My mind just took a step back and watched the situation. My abusive and distant father is lying in a hospital bed after almost dying. My brother (who didn't grow up dealing with our father) is happily chatting about his great relationship with his boyfriend. And my father, who I always thought was the stereotypical close-minded old white man, is super cool with two of his sons being gay (well Brian is bi but that's not the fucking point). My mother freaked out when I told her, yet my father welcomes it so quickly. What the fuck? Now I'm sure I could get a grip on it if I could consult my boyfriend...oh wait I already screwed that up. Wait, wasn't I mad at my father for fucking me up so bad, causing me to screw up everything in the first place. It was all giving me a headache. "James, you okay?" Brian nudged my shoulder. "I can't believe this." I barked, "This. The three of us. In this room. Acting like...this." "James," Brian said. "We're having a happy moment. Why can't you just be happy with us?" "Because of me," He replied. "Because of me, right?" "Dad," I said. "I managed to find this sweet guy who knows what I've been through, know the things I've done yet...despite everything loves me. He somehow sees this good inside me." Here's where the tears started falling. "I wish I was the man he sees me as. But I can't be because I'm always paranoid that if I feel secure and happy in life that something is going to come in and crush it...so I crush it myself." I grabbed that railing of the bed. "And I can't stop myself." My red eyes looked into his. "What was wrong with me? Why was I good enough?" He put his hands on mine, "I was the one that was never good enough" Then dad grasped. "Dad, what's wrong?" "You betta call someone." He whispered not being able to breathe. Brian ran out of the room screaming for help. I was grasping trying to adjust. Dad grabbed my hand. "I think this is it." "What dad?" "I was never able to stay and be happy. Neither could my pa. You can break the cycle. You're a good boy and you're smarter than I could ever be." "Dad you're not going to die." "Boy death isn't all bad. I won't feel angry anymore. I just might be happy with it." "Dad...dad no." "I'm sorry son, I love you." People in white coats came rushing in. I was slammed on to the wall. I stayed there with my eyes shut while the crowd rushed around calling out orders. *** We were all sitting in the waiting room. I sat there squeezing Matt's hand. He didn't mind of course. He sat by me patiently. Brian sat across from me doing the same thing with Owen. Owen was cracking little jokes about hospital food. We weren't mad. That was how Owen dealt with things. I actually felt a little relieved that someone was talking. I hated complete quiet. We sat like that until a doctor walked up to us with his hands folded. We all stood up. "I'm sorry." He said. I could tell that this was the part of his job that he hated. I felt like I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to feel. I wanted to cry because I would never see him again. I wanted to yell at him for leaving me again. Yet I wanted to be spiteful and laugh that he was finally gone. Matt put his arms around me, "Jamie?" I grabbed his waist and clutched him tightly. *** I ended up back at my old childhood apartment. I was alone sitting on the couch where I used to watch soap operas with my mom. As I looked around I began to think about the child I once was. The young me would have never dreamed that I would out like this. Or maybe he did dream of it but didn't want to think about. "Hey, Jamie." I heard Matt say as he walked in. I looked over at him. "How you feeling Jamie?" He asked sitting next to me. "I think I'm doing okay, better at least." He looked around. "Wow, I haven't been in here in a long time." When I couldn't handle something I wanted to run away. Mentally or Physically. I always ran away to Matt. But the truth is that I pictured actually wanted to run away with Matt. "Hey, Matt...I was thinking about going away for a while. Like a road trip." "Yea." he nodded, "You should take a little trip." I took a breath. "You..." I mumbled. I shifted my body to look into his eyes, "You wanna come with?" He didn't say no, but he did ask a question. A reasonable question. He slid his fingers around the picture, "As friends or boyfriends?" I thought he would ask that, the one question I didn't know how to answer. "Um...how...how about as best friends?" He lowered his eyes. I don't think that's the answer he wanted. I moved closer, "Please Matt? I really need to go with me. You know more than anybody that I do stupid things when I'm not with you." He bit his lip. I moved closer. Brushing my nose against his cheek Then I batted my eyes. "God I can't say no to that face," he chuckled. "Okay. A weekend road trip good sounds to me." Then we both got quiet. Our lips were an inch apart. His eyes told me exactly what he wanted to do. And oh god I wanted to do the same thing. I felt him leaning in. I wanted to kiss him...but he freaked out getting up from the couch. He walked into the kitchen. Matt cleared his throat, "So...is there any special place you wanna go...or are we just going to drive in one direction until we hit ocean?" Another reasonable question. I chuckled, "Yeah, I think we'll just let the road be our guide." I lied. The truth is that I knew the exact place that I needed to go to. And I knew the exact person that I needed to see.
  10. His breath tasted like alcohol. His dick felt huge rubbing against me. His name was...Brice, Brandon, Berry I don't know. I didn't want to know. I didn't care. I felt like all I wanted was a beer in my mouth and a dick up my ass. Drinking. Partying. Sleeping Around. That's what college students should do. Right? I didn't know anymore. Since Matt and I broke up, I didn't know anything anymore. We were still roommates, but I didn't really sleep there a lot. I missed sleeping with Matt. I missed everything about him. Of course, I wanted to be with him. But I couldn't have him. So tonight Mr. What's his name was nibbling on my ear. I spotted Shawna all in gold walking by with a hunky piece of dark chocolate. I quickly hid the beer behind my back. Of course, I wasn't going to let her see it. She understood the idea of me sleeping with other guys, but if she saw me drinking she slap the bottle down (and slap my face). Then she will give me a big lecture. She was a good friend. Too bad I wasn't. She gave me a smile, "Hey would you be okay if I left? Are you covered?" Mr. What's his name chuckled, fingering my ass, "Oh he's covered. He'll be covered in something." I turned back to her and nodded, "I'm okay." She nodded with understanding and walked by. "So," Mr. What's his name moved his lips around my neck. "Why don't we go to my place and fuck like crazy." Is it bad I was actually turned on? I shot down the rest of the beer and kissed him. *** I woke up naked lying next to another stranger. I got up and gathered my clothes. He didn't even know that I left. I stopped by the dorm to get changed and headed off to class. I was able to wake up and act sober. So I wasn't out of control, right? I was getting coffee with Shawna in the student lobby when I heard Matt laughing. "Don't turn around," Shawna whispered. I didn't listen to her. I wish I did. I turned my head slightly. I saw Matt...talking to a guy. I bit my lip. I wanted to grab this guy by the neck. I couldn't stand seeing my Matt flirting with someone else. Matt checked his watch and smiled...oh his smile, "Well I got to go...so pick me up at eight?" The guy nodded. I wanted to punch him. As Matt walked away our eyes met. We stared at each other for a moment. I wanted to grab him and kiss him until we were both out of breath. But instead, I just nodded and "Hey Mac." He nodded and waved as he walked away, "Hey Jamie." I felt Shawna patting my shoulder, "That must have been hard." I shook my head, "I'm okay." *** My brother needed help moving a dresser. Brian and I walked up to the door of his building, with our arms full, when I felt a third pair of hands reaching out behind me. "Need help with that Jimmy?" "It's James," I smirked. I turned around. He was fat with short gray hair, squeezed to a sweater. I didn't recognize him at first. Not until I saw my blue eyes staring back at me. Dad's eyes seemed to light up looking at us. "Hey let's put this down, huh James?" Brian said. We sat the dresser down on the street. Then my dad hugged me. It was strange, he rarely hugged me but when he did it was nice. It was kind of like hugging a big teddy bear. He let go of me and then hugged Brian. "What are doing here?" Brian asked. Dad chuckled, "I thought I'd visit my two boys in college and take them out." I noticed a weird chip hanging from his neck. "What's that?" I asked pointing to it. He cracked half smile, "This is my 1st-year sobriety chip." He took a deep breath. "That's why I was hoping you were both here." *** We had dinner at some steakhouse. As I glanced at the menu I realized that there no vegetarian options. And when I asked the waiter and got the "You gotta be crazy" stare. "Um...no," he answered. "No tofu?" "Toe what?" The waiter shifted his eyes. That pretty much answered the question. I nodded, "Then I'll have a salad then." My dad was staring at me confused, "What is that all about?" "Um...I'm a vegetarian." He slowly nodded confused, "When did that happen?" Here we go. I brushed my hair back, "Since about a year or so ago." "So how that goin?" he asked as if he didn't know what else to say. "It's good. It's not usually that this difficult." I smirked. "Why don't you like meat anymore?" I rolled my eyes, "One, the horrible slaughter of animals in disgusting factories. Two, it's full of chemicals and fat." He nodded again, and then change the subject. "So I've been in recovery regularly. Weekly meetings. " "Good, that's good," Brian replied. I said nothing. "When I realized my wife had really left me. I went down a dark path." I was looking down, squeezing my lemon into my water. I was thinking what would happen if I tried to order wine. Partly out of spite. Partly out of need. "Then I got too drunk and punched two cops. Went in the slammer." "Oh wow." Brian grasped like it was such a shock. I stirred my ice water with my straw. "But sometimes jail can be the best thing," Dad said, "I couldn't drink anymore and was forced to get sober." It was good to hear. However, it didn't make up for everything. "James," Dad called me for the first time. I looked up slightly but unable to make direct eye contact. "James, I'm sorry. For everything." I knew he was sincere, but that didn't mean he was trustworthy. Dad chuckled, "Wow, my two college boys. So what are my Einsteins planning to do?" "Well," Brian said, "I'm studying business." He looked over at me. "And James is going to be a writer." I shot my brother a look. I didn't want dad to know that. But I was rather surprised to see my dad smiling at me. "Wow a writer, we got ourselves a Shakespeare." He chuckled. "When is that start?" I stared down at the ice in my water, "It was something I just started doing ever since I was a kid...Donovan really got me into it." I shrugged. "Wow lookie there. I knew living with that teacher was good for you. I would like to see some of your work sometime." I put my hand on my forehead, "I don't think it's your kind of thing." "Oh, but I still want to read some, it's my boy's work." He said. That actually meant a lot to me. But I didn't show it. Dad and Brian made small talk until we got our food, which of course caused another oh so great chat with the waiter. "Ribeye rare. Sirloin medium rare..." then he smirked, "and your salad." As he left he mumbled under his breath, "Fag." I quickly looked at my dad. He was looking down cutting his steak. Good thing, he didn't hear it. "Boy, this is good. James, do you ever miss meat?" I swallowed a bite of my salad, "No dad I do not miss it, most of that's just fat and heart disease." He took a few more bites, then he asked the question. The question. "So you boys got any special lady friends?" "No." I said trying not to laugh, "I don't have a girlfriend." It was a simple reply, with no need for further questions. That was smart. Dad turned to Brian, "How about you? You are seeing someone special?" Brian's answer wasn't as smart and simple. He had Owen. He took a drink then a breath, "I am actually in a relationship." Dad laughed, "That's great. What's she like?" "Um..." Brian started, "I'm with someone who makes me laugh, makes my life interesting...very interesting, and...who I know cares very much about me." Dad nodded, "What's her name?" Brian mumbled around for a bit then got up, "I gotta go to the bathroom." I got up too, "Yea, I got to go too." I went caught up with Brian, he standing at a sink staring into the mirror. "Do you think now is the time...we come out to him?" I chuckled, "No, come on let's not waste our time." "He's our dad and if he's going to be staying around..." "He's not staying." I cut in, "Trust me. He'll be gone again before we know it." *** After dinner, we went to Brian's apartment. "Hey, guys," Owen called out walking into the living room. "Hey there." Dad waved, "So who are you?" Brian took a deep breath, "This is Owen, my...roommate. Owen, this is my dad." Owen stared at him confused for a second but nodded with understanding. Dad smiled and shook Owen's hand, "Hi there." "He's in town." Brian cheered as if he were a child on Christmas morning. "That's great." Owen sweetly said wrapping his arm around Brian's shoulder trying not to be too affectionate. I couldn't take this shit. "Hold on, he's not staying." I barked getting up, "He never has and he never will." "Son..." I got louder, "This is so like you." Now I was yelling, "Over and Over again. You seem all nice and good and I think things will be okay. And just when I think we're gonna be happy. You take off again. Hurting everybody in your path. " Making promises. Never being able to be happy. Taking off. Hurting people. That started to sound familiar. I looked into his eyes. We had the same blue eyes. "Oh my god," I screamed. "I'm you." "What are you talking about?" I was really yelling now, "I'm talking about the fact that I can't keep a relationship. That I run away and push everything down. That I can never find any inner peace. That I can never just accept being happy. Because of you, I hurt the one man that I love more than anything." He raised his eyebrow, "I did you just say, man." I was too angry that I didn't realize that. I didn't fucking care. I was too mad to worry about it. "Oh, yea that's right," I yelled. "Since you had been so out of touch with my life, you didn't get the memo. I'm gay." I was yelling as loud as I could, "I'm gay. I'm super gay" Then I saw my dad clutch his chest and collapsed.
  11. Hi, yes. I'm so sorry. There was an error with the automatic publishing. Chapter 19 is posted now and 20 will be reposted. Thank you for reading my story and for bringing this to my attention.
  12. "What about David Johnson?" Shawna whispered to me as we danced with each other at some classmate's party. "I would say he's a 7." I chuckled. Things had been great with Shawna. We had gotten much so closer since I came out. She had really embraced me as her gay best friend. She even called herself a fag hag in training. "What about Mitch Goldberg? He's a pretty good dancer." I asked her motioning to the very white boy doing the disco. She laughed, "A 5, he's okay for a white boy. But too dorky for me." I guess I had a thing for dorky white boys. We went on the dancing hip to hip with our arms laced over each other until I felt something being placed in my hand. I looked over to see a beer bottle. "Drink up everybody." the host cheered. Without even thinking I started to bring the bottle to face. Shawna grabbed my hand, "Maybe you shouldn't." I chuckled, "What? Why?" She rolled her eyes, "You should be careful." She was right. But... "Come on Shawna, I think can handle a beer." "James! I won't drink either so you won't be alone." She commanded putting down the beer in her hand. Then she had to say it. "You know that if Matt were here he would be saying the same thing." She had to bring him up. My dear Matthew was sitting in his room still moping with confusion. We haven't really talked. "I think I can handle it." Then I shifted back to the bottle. I brought it to my face and took a drink. "Oh wow," I screamed out feeling the burning hitting me. *** I was about pretty buzzed when I stole a bottle of whiskey from the party. Bad habits galore. It was easier to steal under the influence. I just hid it under my jacket and walked out. As I left Shawna put her hand on my shoulder. "Do you need a ride home?" I shook my head, "No, I'll walk." "Don't do anything stupid, okay?" I nodded. *** I climbed up to Matt's window. He was at his desk reading wearing a white shirt and plaid PJ pants. "Knock, knock Matthew Edwards." I laughed banging on the glass, "I got a present for you." Matt got up and let me in. "Jamie, what are you doing here?" I picked up the bottle and held up to his face, "You want some? "What is this?" "Whiskey." "God Jamie," he said, "How did you even get that?" "I borrowed it from the party." He stared down at the brown liquid, "What does it taste like?" "Horrible." Matt took it and stared at it. I grabbed it and drank more. The fire hit me again. My head felt lighter. "It really takes away the pain." I said, "It makes me feel better. At least try it?" I handed him the bottle again. He stared at it again for a couple of seconds. "If it will make me feel less pathetic, than..." He drank it. *** We sat on his bed passing the bottle around. We were playing around, laughing at each other's drunken grammar. "Can I ask you something?" he said. "Anything." I slurred. "Why didn't you ever tell me you were gay?" He was bound to bring it up sooner or later. I looked down at the bottle, "Why didn't you ever tell me you were gay?" "You go first, Jamie." I took a drink, "Mac, for the longest time I couldn't even tell myself. You know how I grew up. You know, you have no idea how hard I tried to change myself to try to be like other guys." He slightly raised his eyebrows, "That kinda surprises me." "What?" I asked. "I always thought of you as the independent thinker. I was always the conformist. I had to have the same toys as everybody else. I had to get a girlfriend like everybody else. I had to follow the white picket fence like everybody else." he took another sip, "I thought you were always different. You thought deeper than everybody else." "You really think that much of me?" He nodded and smiled. "So is that why you never tell me? Because of the whole conformity thing?" "I guess, for the most part. I think I knew since we were kids, that I was somehow different. But the only time I really about...gay people were in the news, either about AIDS or some sort of hate crime." He shook his head. "It seems like being gay meant being sick, lonely, and miserable. It felt easier just to marry Alfreda and be normal." "Is that still what you want?" "I adore Alfreda. I really do. I could've seen myself marrying her...but that wouldn't be fair to either of us." He took a drink, "And I wish I could've been able to talk to you about it. But I thought you would beat me up, or call me a fag or something." He moved closer. He defiantly smelled like alcohol. "I remember being so jealous watching you made out with all those girls." "I've been crushing on since forever." My drunken heart sank. "Seriously?" he asked. The next thing I knew his warm arms were around me. I returned the hug, our bodies pressed up against each other. We turned our heads and faced each other. All I could think about was his lips, and looking into his eyes I got a feeling he was thinking about mine. We both lean into each other, and then I felt our lips pressed against each other. The taste of his hot whiskey breath was a sweet burning. Matt pulled me tighter and I pushed his teeth apart with my tongue. As his tongue became intertwined with mine, my brain exploded and my body tinkled, he dug his nails into my back. I slammed his body on the bed. I put my hands on his waist as he bucked his hips deep into my mine. Matt broke the kiss but didn't let go of me. He just stared into my eyes taking time to catch his breath. "I love you." He whispered before kissing me again. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't have imaged that I could feel so high. We heard the bottle fall off the bed and scattered. But that didn't stop us. I unbuttoned his jeans and unzipped his fly. "What the hell is going here?" Matt and I pulled away from each other to see Mr. and Mrs. Edwards staring at us with gaping mouths. They saw the broken bottle all over the floor. They saw their son's pants were opened. And they saw my hand in them. This really didn't look good. I immediately removed my hand and jumped off the bed. Matt sat up grumbling, "Um...Dad." "Get out." Mr. Edwards screamed at me. His voice hurt my ears. "Get out of my house." I wasn't shocked though it did hurt a little considering I thought we had a better relationship than that. "Dad, " Matt barked. "No, it wasn't like that..." He pointed at his son, "You be quiet. You're in trouble too." He shook his head, "For 17 years I've welcomed you into my home, I've fed you my food, and I've put up with all of your shit. And in return you bring alcohol into my house, knowing I feel about it. And not only do you get yourself drunk, but you bring him down with you." "Mr. Edwards I..." "Get out of my house." He screamed. I crawled out the window. *** My insides were burning. I had an overwhelming headache in the morning. I wish I could say that I got drunk enough to forget what happened the night before. But no, I actually remembered everything. "Are you kidding me?" Tony yelled walking into my room. "What now, Tony?" "James, you got drunk." Then my eyes turned to Brian. "Hey James." "I invited your brother to come over and help me talk to you." "Oh my god, so everybody's ganging up with me. I drank a beer." "I heard it was more. And I you stole a bottle of whiskey." "How you did you find out?" "Doesn't matter how we found out, how much did you drink?" "I don't know." I sat down, "What's the big deal?" "Well, drinking is a big deal for us." Brian bit. He looked at me confused, "Do you want to end up like Dad?" "Oh please" I laughed. "Don't talk about my dad like that. When you have no idea, who he is." "I know that he is an ugly drunk and shitty person." I got up and I pushed him onto the floor. Tony pulled me off of him. "James." Tony started trying to calm me down. "Just don't ever talk about him like that," I screamed on. I sat on my bed and started crying. "I don't want to be like that." Brain sat down next to me rubbing my shoulders, "It's okay." "I'm sorry," I said, "I pushed you." "I'm okay," Jack said, "I can help you get through this." *** I went to the Edwards' house to try to mend any wounds that I could. Mr. Edwards saw me through the kitchen window and opened the door. "Hi." I swallowed standing in his doorway. "I just want you to know that I'm not going to drink anymore. But if you want me to stay away from Matt I understand. "Come on in." He motioned. "James I'm sorry, I said something that I shouldn't have. I was mad" I nodded, "I probably would've reacted the same way if I saw...well what you saw. I'm so sorry Mr. Edwards, I would never pressure Matt into doing anything, and if I..." "Wow." Mr. Edwards cut me off laughing, "It took two forever." "What?" I blurted out, "Wait you know that I'm...you know." "Gay?" He laughed, "Yea we all know." "I'm sorry," I mumbled. Mr. Edwards stared at me confused, "Sorry? Sorry for what? I don't care that you're gay or that Matthew is gay. What I do care about is you two going off drinking...you know that I'm worried that alcoholism runs in both of our families. Be gay, just don't be alcoholics." I had to laugh at that. I nodded, "Trust me this experience really made me understand that. I hate that the way I acted...I swear I'll never do it again." He placed his hand on my shoulder, "I'm glad you're okay now." "So if Matt and I were...like together...that wouldn't bother you?" "Despite everything I know about you, I approve." "Good. Because I love him so much that it scars the shit out of me." That I was the first time I said that out loud. I smiled, "Yea, I love him." "I love you too." I heard Matt call out. He had been standing on the stairway the whole time. Mr. Edwards winked at me and chuckled, "I'll give you guys some time to talk." He waved leaving the kitchen. "Mac. I'm sorry..." "Does it still scare you...being gay?" He sat down at the table. "Yea," I sat down next to him. "Are you scared?" "Yea, of course," He said. "I'm surprised that you would even be interested in me." "What? Why wouldn't I be?" "Oh come on, you're James. You're the guy everybody wants. You're more popular. You're more interesting. Not to mention way more attractive." I laughed, "Honestly, I'm surprised you would be like me. I'm 'wild', 'troublesome', and an all-around screw-up." Matt rolled his eyes, "You don't ever give yourself enough credit." He laughed sliding his fingers across my hand. I turned my hand over, "You always see the good inside of me." He clasped our hands, "I just wish we hadn't ruined our first kiss. I mean the feeling was amazing, I wouldn't take that back. I just can't believe it was while we were drunk." "Were you hoping for something more romantic?" "Yea." He nodded. I grabbed his hand, "Come on". I playfully dragged him upstairs to his bedroom. "What's going on?" He asked giving me a look. I walked him over the window, "This is the window where you took me in so many times. This is the room where we held each other until we fell asleep so many times...how about a redo first kiss?" He laughed and connected our other hands, "Okay, but you gotta make this sappy." I laughed, "Fine." I licked my lips thinking about what to say. Matt laughed, "Oh just cut the chatter and kiss me." He leaned in placed in lips on mine. I gladly smiled and moved into the kiss. It didn't take long before we pressed up against each other, the heat vibrating through my body. I wrapped my arms tightly around his neck and felt him squeezing my waist. Why the hell did it take us so long?
  13. "My mom's gone again." I simply yelled out walking into Matt's living room. He got up and wrapped his arms around my waist pulling me close to him. I returned wrapping my arms his neck. "I'm so sorry Jamie." He started slightly rocking me. I grabbed on tight and sniffed into his shoulder. I'm not going to go all cheesy and say "all problems vanished away", because they didn't...but Matt holding me gave me a feeling of great warmth. I could even describe it as a feeling of ecstasy. I was so caught up in that feeling that I didn't notice that Alfreda had been standing behind me the whole time. Matt released me. Then Alfreda gave me another however not as warm of a hug. "I'm sorry." she said, "Do you want to talk to Matthew about it?" she shifted her eyes, "You want me to leave?" I shook my head, "No. You don't do have to leave Alfreda." I sat down on the couch. "Everything was going just fine and then..." I took a look at Matt and Alfreda were sitting on either side of me. I made the decision that it would be better to leave some of the information out. I was wrong about my mom having unconditional love for me. I didn't want to take that chance with Matt and Alfreda. "I woke up this morning and she was gone." They both nodded. "So would you like to spend the night here?" Matt asked. "Yea, sure." I nodded. *** Mrs. Edwards ordered pizza in an attempt to make it "fun night", I appreciated her for trying. Mary talked the most at dinner. Matt and I couldn't help laughing at how little girls could go on a rant. I couldn't sleep that night. Matt and I were lying in his bed talking. We chatted about my mother and our memories of her. I told him how my mom and I watched soap operas. How we gave each other fashion advice. How we gossiped about the women in our building. I thought to myself, OH MY GOD! HOW COULD WE HAVE NOT SEEN THAT I WAS SO GAY BACK THEN? "I guess in some ways we were in our little world," I told Matt. "Yea," he yawned. It was easy to see that Matt was tried, but he was trying to keep wake for me. "You want to go to sleep?" He blinked and yawned again, "No. No, you need to talk so I'll stay up with you." I looked at him sweetly. "It's okay Mac. We can go to sleep now." And just like that, he fell asleep. Dead sleep. I watched him for a minute. That weird little snore had really grown on me. I just looked at him whispering to myself, "I wish we could land in some magical world where things could be simpler." *** For the rest of the summer. I applied for a few writing scholarships that Tony told me about. It was now going to be my senior year. About a week after school started, I was walking into the lobby of our building, what I found was...shocking. I recognized him from pictures. His dark thick hair...and his Esposito blue eyes. Part of me wanted to be excited and curious. Part of me was angry and confused. But all of me was shocked. I mustered up my breath to run into his face and yelled, "What are you doing here?" And Brian just stared at me.
  14. Thank you for reading and your comment. It means a lot to me that you like my story. I will go back and reread to improve on that part. Thank you again and comments are always welcomed.
  15. Hey, Brian, it's James, I am now in the 11th grade. I've lived with Tony for over a year. Tony and I are doing well... there are just some topics that we avoid. Matt is still dating Alfreda...so that's going on. I've been dating a lot too...but um...nobody special. I've had sex with...multiple girls... the girls seem to think I'm good at, you know, the sex stuff...so...never mind. So how are you? I was fixing my hair in my locker mirror. "Come on, your hair is fine," Matt whined. "Now can we go?" Matt grabbed my head and started messing with my hair. I pulled his hands down, "Matt, come on." "I know I sound crazy." He panicked, "It's just that I'm surrounded by people with great hair and good looks." Well, he is right. I do have amazing hair. Then, of course, Alfreda walks with her beautiful locks, "Hey, what's going on?" Matt shook his head, "It's nothing I'm just a little insecure about my looks today." "Oh come on, looks don't matter." she sugar-coated. "Well, that's easy for you to say your gorgeous," Matt smirked, "Well, you don't have this giant nose and this ugly curly hair." He went on, "Look at me." I bit my lip. I could have told him I thought he was cute. But guys don't say that to each other. Then I started to notice something different about Alfreda. "Are you wearing makeup?" I blurted out. Her eyes shift nervously while she played with her hair, "Yea. so what?" I shifted my eyes confused, "I didn't think you wore makeup." "Well." she stated, "I thought I'd try it." "Why?" Matt chimed in, "You don't need it." "Matthew" she huffed, "It's my face. If I want to put on makeup I will." He nodded, "Yea, of course." He kissed her on the cheek. *** One day, it was makeup. The next day, it was earrings. And the next day, it was new clothes. Alfreda had changed, most obviously on the outside, but something else was going on. I looked over at the pack of guys gathered around her and I also saw Alfreda flirting back. Alfreda wasn't herself. She was acting like a ditz. The Alfreda that I've known for 12 years didn't flip her hair. She didn't cast a girly laugh when some guy told her a cheesy joke. The Alfreda I knew seemed above that, smarter than that. Something was wrong. *** Leah Thompson was giving me a blowjob in the girl's bathroom. But I was...distracted...yea that's the word I'll stick with. I heard the door open and saw Alfreda's new heels. "Hey Leah, thanks a lot but I have to go talk to someone." She nodded and put my dick back in my jeans. "Call me" she whispered before she opened the stall and walked out. Alfreda shot me a dirty look. I brushed it off. "Okay, I think we need to talk ." I put my head against the wall, "Why are you acting like this? " She looked at me for a minute then frowned. "Jamie?" I was surprised that she called me Jamie, she never did that before. "Yea?" I replied. She stared at a sink mirror, "James...you're a guy...right?" I nodded, "Yea?" She put one of her hands on her forehead, "Does Matt find me attractive?" I felt something strange was going on. I got this sickening feeling. "What? Why would you ask that? Don't you see the way he looks at you?" Then she mumbled something. Something she didn't plan on me hearing. But I did hear it. "Yea, but you should see the way he looks at you." "What? What do you mean that?" I asked. She bit her lip, "Oh you know. Matt's face when he looks at you...that goofy smile and the way his eyes follow you. It's like he's..." she stopped herself. "What?" "I think it's he's just jealous of you...of your hair and stuff." She nodded. She nodded more to herself than to me. She started playing with her hands, "Yea that's why he looks at you like that because he wants hair like yours." Her voice started speeding up, "I just think about English class and that literally theme, appearance versus reality. And when I think about it. It scares me not to know the difference. What if I'm wrong James? What if I'm right? What if I'm either?" Her panic scared me. "Okay, Alfreda" I hugged her, "There's nothing to worry about. Matt loves you." *** That night I was having sex with Jennifer Nickerson. Jennifer was a bitch...but she also tall, blonde, and popular, which was the reason I think I went out with her. Sex with Jennifer felt even more annoying because she yelled out demands. But...her bedroom had posters. Posters of half-naked guys, Hollywood heartthrobs actually. I know this sounds messed up, but the only way I could "get through it" was to put my attention on those posters. Then I fought with myself about it all the way home. The guilt was boiling over as I sat down on Donovan's couch. I wanted to remove some of my heavy makeup. I needed to talk to somebody. "Tony." "Yea, Esposito." He replied as he washed the dishes. "Okay there is something to I need to share" "Ok, what?" "I don't...like having sex with girls." Imagery black lines were coming down my face. "In fact, the only way I can even kiss them is if I...think about guys." I heard Donovan putting down a plate and walking closer. "I just have these feelings...feelings that I don't want to feel." Donovan sat down next to me. I looked up at him then back down, "I remember reading The Scarlet Letter in your class. Hester wears a big red A on her chest. I feel like I have my own scarlet letter. I felt like people see it. So I want to cover it up...but instead of the letter A, I wear the big letter F...for faggot." Donovan grasped, "Are there people calling you that?" I nodded, “My brother and the gang from my old neighbor.” He lightly rubbed my shoulder, "Those guys are jerks. There is nothing wrong with you being gay." That word again. That word scared me. "Esposito" Donovan tried to reach out, "Don't worry I won't tell anybody." "God I don't want to be so empty inside anymore." I took a deep breath, "And I don't want to be so self-hating anymore. And I don't want to be so closeted anymore." Then I said something out loud for the first time. I cried out, "...I'm gay" My body shook at the sound of those coming out of my mouth. Yet, I felt weight huge was lifted from me. I felt I had washed the dirt off myself. I breathed out "I'm gay."
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