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Yeah, it’s almost embarrassing to think back, the lengths one would go to hide being gay. Kevin’s a fundamentally honest and introspective person, and I think keeping a secret of this magnitude is really weighing heavily on him. But Becker, who is really so completely obsessed with his image, has no problem compartmentalizing his life (and actually, I think prefers it that way.) Which is the source of their current impasse. Thanks--it's fun for me to relive college too. And is a funny thing, how big of a deal coming out seemed, versus how little of a deal it actually wound up being. Especially for someone like Becker. His life, largely, wouldn’t change: he wouldn’t be disowned by his family, his friends wouldn’t care, his fraternity already has another openly gay guy. Though try not to judge Becker too harshly because he's still just a kid, really.

Chris Baker was pacing across the neutral ground on St. Charles and Napoleon Avenue, frantically looking at his watch, as if he had somewhere very important to be, rather than a birthday party on Bourbon Street. Jordan kept uncomfortably glancing up at me, as if I was supposed to step in to stop a potential tantrum from erupting. “You okay there?” I asked him, wryly, finally. Baker looked up. “Oh, I’m just getting antsy.” There were roughly a million of us, gathered here to celebrate

Friday, hopefully. Sometime this weekend. Just one more scene to polish.

I’m glad it rang true; Kevin’s home life is so outside my personal experiences that I was so scared it’d come off as a cliche. (That’s actually why we didn’t meet his mother; I wrote small parts of a meeting, but she was such an vile character who contributed nothing we hadn’t heard from Kevin already; ultimately, I though it was more fitting for such an absent mother to be still absent for such a big moment. And yes, Philip is so the Beau Biden. And definitely chafing under being the heir. I haven’t gone into her backstory yet, but, without giving too much away, Lindsay’s parents are both college professors in Boston. So she’s from a well-educated, well-to-do (and very liberal) family. It’s more that she’s a strong, self-assured, hippie-ish law student--so far from the smiling beauty queen political wife that Philip would be, at least subliminally, expected to wind up with. But it’s also worth noting that we only got Justine and Becker’s perspective on the engagement, and I really think they’re by far the two most judgmental people in their family. Well, putting me in a (fictional) syllabus is a huge compliment, so thank you. I try to imagine things from other characters’ points of view when I’m writing too, just because Becker is such an exhaustingly insular point of view and he’s way too insecure to read people correctly. This is very much Becker’s story, even as other characters wander in and out, but I definitely want to make sure I’m doing other characters’ justice. I still think Kevin’s past is hard for Becker to wrap his mind around--even Becker’s previous exposure to poverty has been, essentially, a staged photo op that’s more about his family than the people they’re serving. I think he doesn’t even know how to react. There won’t be any dramatic monologues about it, but Becker will file it away and I think it’ll color things moving forward, however slightly. And yeah, I don’t really know what to call him either--definitely the point. (I call him Becker, out of simplicity, but he’s slippery.) When I started writing, I didn’t really appreciate how Becker’s three different names would be such a pivotal symbol: I kind of regret naming this story what I did.

Glad you liked it--I always enjoy being able to take the animals out of the zoo with the non-Tulane chapters. They’re fun to write. It’s definitely a huge thing for Kevin. He’s not compartmentalized like Becker is, but he definitely doesn’t advertise his dysfunctional family to people who aren’t in the fold. But I think--unlike Becker, who loves being defensively enigmatic--Kevin is starting to feel the weight of all the secrets he’s keeping. And, while Becker would sweep thoughts like that under the rug, Kevin’s more confrontational, more of a problem-solver. So he’s starting to say, “This is who I am, and this is what I want, and if you don’t like it, too damn bad.” Which is both good and bad for his relationship with someone who is terrified of making bold declarations like that.

“Really,” Philip said, as the two of us, still in our suits from dinner, ransacked the wine cellar at our Nevada ranch late on Thanksgiving night. “What are they going to miss? There’s like a hundred bottles down here. And we’re all adults.” We were not, in fact, all adults: Philip was 22, but I was 19, and Justine was 18, and that seemed very far beyond the bounds of what constituted alcoholic adulthood, even in the aggregate. Though my parents had made it pretty clear that “college”

The sad thing about Becker is that, from the moment he found out going to Paris would make him a topic of gossip, there was no chance of him going. He's made up of so many secrets, that people dissecting him would just be too much. But it does shift the dynamic in their relationship, with them being apart--plenty of twists and turns still to come. Thanks--this story has consumed plenty of time and energy; I started the first draft five years ago, February 2013, and though I've taken long stretches away from it, I keep coming back to it. It's fun to write. I think you hit the nail on the head though: Becker needs to understand that he's okay. I always thought his biggest problem is that he doesn't like himself--and being open and honest about anything is very threatening because he fears people will similarly dislike him if they see him for who he really is. As the stakes get higher--as his relationships with his friends, with Kevin, with his fraternity all deepen--he's not getting more comfortable; instead, he's recognizing that he has increasingly more to lose if people saw his unvarnished self. Which is a very sad way to live. This story really is about Becker learning to accept himself for who he is. Otherwise, yeah, I think Becker realized he couldn't not let Kevin go. I don't think he approached it in the healthiest or most mature way--tellingly, he didn't decide to let Kevin go; he refused to make a decision until one was ultimately made for him (which Kevin saw coming from a mile away)--but I do think it was what had to be done to save their relationship. But they're in uncharted waters now, especially once Kevin leaves.

I spent the next week going back and forth on whether I would pitch my idea to Kevin: that I could, conceivably, go with him to Paris. That we could not be apart for a whole semester. But I hadn’t, even though I was running out of time because the paperwork deadline was on Sunday at six o’clock. I had seen Kevin exactly twice in the intervening week, and we managed to avoid the topic of Paris altogether, because I didn’t want to give him an answer and he was maybe nervous that my answer wou

Thanks for reviewing! I went through so, so, so many drafts of the "Becker finding out about Paris" scene, because I had to find the right balance between Kevin not telling him but also not being an asshole for not telling him, and Becker being angry at the situation but not irrationally so. Hopefully I did! You actually caught my two most intentional lines in this chapter: the triple-naming, and the $8k. For, basically, all of the reasons you said. Becker’s biggest fear, I think, is that people will get to know the real him beneath the carefully-cultivated image and ultimately move on to someone better. Kevin hasn’t really experienced the triple-personality thing—Becker trying to be all things to all people—but he does know Becker pretty well at this point—and still loves him anyway. Which is huge, even if Becker doesn’t quite realize that’s what happened. And the $8k thing: yes, class is definitely something that’s explored a little later on. Neither of Becker’s parents grew up wealthy, but Becker and his siblings did. And Kevin isn’t just working-class: for all his poise and intellect, he’s a drug dealer who grew up very poor and is still quasi-supporting his family from afar. And Becker definitely can't quite grasp the magnitude of that--or the aspirational desire Kevin has to go to Paris--because money has literally never been a problem. That definitely pops up again later. Anyway, thanks for reading! Next chapter should be up fairly soon.

Thanks to both of you for commenting! It’s been interesting to develop their relationship. I think I’ve said it before, but Kevin and Becker were supposed to hook up only that first time in Freshman Year Chapter 9. But I loved Kevin and loved their dynamic—and their relationship really did become the fulcrum of the story, I think. It’s like real life, in a sense, where sometimes the chemistry is just right and people stick. I can’t say much more, but there are four more chapters left before the end of the semester, and the story is definitely building to something. Thanks again for reading!

“I got you a toothbrush,” Kevin told me. He was flossing, not in a mirror, but at the foot of his bed, staring at me and wearing only a pair of boxer-briefs. We were about to go to bed. It was a Monday night, and it was my first night staying over soberly, rather than just drunkenly passing out next to him as we stumbled back from the Iota Chi house or Bruno’s. It was a big step but it wasn’t a terrible step, was it? Natural progression of things. We’d spent two nights in New York toge

I definitely can't give any spoilers, but I think there's very much a feeling from the characters and the narrative (and your guys' reader comments) that this status quo can't last very much longer. But I think that wholly terrifies Becker, who hates change and hates confrontation, and I think he'll continue to fight it for as long as he can. But as to what happens with their relationship, you'll just have to keep reading! (Though I will add: there's no addiction storyline coming up, so don't worry too much about that.)

It's funny, because in the initial outline of this story (that was loosely based on my own reality), Kevin was really just a complication--a drunken fling whose presence was a constant source of anxiety for Becker. But I loved their dynamic together, so Kevin's role obviously became a major one, and I'm glad I did because their relationship really became the center of this story. I think the thing about Kevin is that he doesn't live in constant fear and anxiety the way Becker does. He's impulsive and romantic and he wants what he wants, and I think in a lot of ways that's exactly what Becker needs. Anyway, thanks for reading and commenting--it's always great to hear from you!

Glad you're enjoying it! I too have one very vivid, very specific memory of my first time--the wall of his dorm room, with a door and a window, because I kept fearing his roommate was going to walk in. And I think everyone has that nervous terror their first time that sticks with you, and I just wanted to make sure I was able to capture that.

Thanks for reading, everybody--glad you're all enjoying it. So excited for you guys to see what comes in the next few chapters: things are going to start changing very quickly for almost all of the major characters.

Glad you're enjoying it! The Grand Rapids reference is actually because a good friend of mine is from there--and is obsessed with all things Michigan. So, when I needed a Midwestern city, I had to throw out a little easter egg.

Glad you're liking it--and damn, that's some dedication. Trying to make sure I keep updating with more expediency than before--luckily, we're about to get to a part of the story where the plot starts propelling the narrative. It's so much harder to write chapters that are heavy on character development but light on actual events. Thanks for reading!

Glad you're enjoying it! Totally agree, re: pacing, though. This started off as a way to memorialize my college years, and get myself writing fiction again (after a bit of a hiatus.) I think that's why the first dozen or so chapters meander so much--they're less of a story and just an abridged and dramatized collection of memories and people. It wasn't really until Kevin was thrown into the mix (he was, actually, supposed to be a minor character who Becker got with once, but I just loved him that I couldn't let him disappear) that things really started to adhere to a plot. So hopefully things speed up quickly--sophomore year is much shorter and much heavier on plot, so I hope you keep reading. And apologies for the grammar--pitfalls of not having an editor. And I know the lie/lay difference, but it's definitely one I always skate right over in conversation--apparently in writing too. (I did catch myself at least once in the latest chapter, thinking back to your comment, so thanks for pointing it out!)

Kevin Malley grabbed me in a drunken necklock from behind, about fifteen seconds after we got to the Iota Chi house. “There he is,” he exclaimed. He was slurring a little bit, his voice too loud; he had this big, excited grin on his face. His eyes were bloodshot, but this wasn’t Kevin when he smoked; when he smoked and drank together, it had a calming effect. And Kevin was so composed so much of the time, even when he was drunk, in a way that so many of us were not. Which, naturally, made m

The biggest difference between living with Patrick and living with Tripp was sex. Namely, the fact that Patrick had access to sex virtually anytime he wanted--Annie Rue--and, thus, he was having it constantly. So I was sitting in Jordan’s room down the hall, sexiled in the middle of the day, for the fifty thousandth time in mine and Patrick’s one month of living together. I had brought my laptop, because I had a short story due for Diana Webber’s creative writing class, even though I couldn’t

Thanks for the responses, you guys, and thanks for reading (despite the inexcusably-long delay.) Definitely won't be as long! And don't worry, Patrick becomes an increasingly important character--just wait!

“I think this is going to be a good year,” Erik decided, as he filled cups of vat for a group of big-boobed freshman. “I have faith. I’m digging this new class.” I wasn’t sure if that comment was directed to me or the freshmen but, regardless, I did not respond. We were working the front bar together. Erik had custody of the garbage can of vat; I, the keg--engineered by Erik so he would get to talk to the girls, a maneuver I made sure to protest the expected amount. “So how’s

If you’re just picking up this story now, here’s a quick recap of freshman year: “Oh my God, you’re wearing a suit,” I said, as I walked over to Kevin Malley, outside of Penn Station. “You look like you’re going to do my taxes.” He looked cripplingly handsome: a navy blue suit with a red power tie, a crisp white shirt--an outfit that seemed so exceptionally unlike Kevin Malley, but he wore it so effortlessly that I couldn't remember why. His hair had grown out a little bit, long eno

Yeah, it’s interesting to get a chance to develop these characters over time (since this is such a long ongoing piece.) When I started writing it, it was pretty autobiographical, but it veered pretty far away from that. All of the pledging stuff in this chapter were pretty true to life, though. It was an interesting time, haha.

I know, I know, I need to step up the frequency—it’s been hectic. Part of the reason why I struggled to get this chapter out was that, thematically, I felt like freshman year ended with the previous chapter, and so I debated just ending it there and jump-cutting. But, ultimately, I decided I should tie up the loose ends in text. The good news is the next chapter was written in relatively tandem to this chapter, so it’s almost done! Anyway, thanks for reading. Glad you’re liking it.