albertnothlit

Thank you, Valkyrie! I realize I've been kind of down lately - I'm still not wholly over it, but I wanted to share my thought process as I fight the bad feelings and the insomnia. Every day is another small victory and I hope they'll add up over time, taking me to a better place in the end. I'm also developing new activities to do when I have free time, new things that I'd never considered, like simply going out for a walk. They help. Thank you so much for your support.

These last few days have been challenging. The lack of sleep came out of nowhere and shook me up worse than I expected. I still don’t know what is causing it, although I am trying my best to isolate variables. In general, it seems as though I have kind of a window at night for falling asleep without issue. If I try to sleep either before or after that window, I have a lot of trouble. It happens particularly if I try to go to bed after 11 PM. Since I know it is already late, at least for me, I be

Thank you, drpaladin. It might indeed be possible that I am mentally setting that hour in the middle of the night for waking up. It happened again tonight, which is confusing because I don’t think there is a particular reason for me to be waking up so consistently. I’ll try your suggestion. I’ll try to imagine that I will wake up later right before I go to bed. I’m trying everything to see what works for me. Last night I tried Valkyrie’s progressive relaxation suggestion and it gave my mind something to focus on. I don’t know whether I was doing it right, but it was nice to have something to hold onto during the empty hours of darkness. I spent about three hours in bed after waking and I used every tool in my arsenal to try and calm down. I was able to sort of doze off a couple times, thankfully, even though for the last couple days I’ve been sleeping for about five hours I think. It’s scary, but I’m hanging in there.

I’m going to definitely try out the progressive relaxation, Valkyrie. Thank you for mentioning it. I need some way to distract myself enough during the night so I can fall asleep and this sounds like it could help me. Drpaladin, thank you for suggesting hypnotherapy. To be honest I’m scared of it, but at this point I’m desperate enough to try anything. It’s very early in the morning again and I wasn’t able to sleep. I woke up at the same horrible hour, around 3 AM or three thirty. I was really tired and after using the bathroom I climbed back into bed with every intention of falling straight back to sleep. I felt like I would be able to do it. I really did. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t and I don’t understand. The anxiety crept up stealthily and I spent almost an hour just tossing and turning, desperate to please please fall asleep. When I found out I couldn’t I finally looked at my phone to check the time – four thirty. I started praying but it didn’t help. I tried taking deep relaxing breaths but it didn’t help. I tried counting my breaths but it didn’t help. It was really cold and I was really tired, so I couldn’t get up from bed. It’s 7:30 AM now more or less. It’s been four hours since I woke up and I am exhausted. I know I need sleep but I don’t understand why I can’t have it. I didn’t do anything different from the night before this one, when I did sleep. What is happening? Why this sudden change? It’s been almost 2 weeks. I’m tired, and terrified of the day ahead. I almost feel physically ill and I don’t know what to do about it. I can fight things if they require an action of some kind. I’ve been trying real hard and succeeding here and there. But I can’t fight something that requires complete inaction, like falling asleep. It’s not under my control I don’t think. I do everything I can to give myself the best possible chance of sleeping. I make sure to take proper steps to be very relaxed as I climb into bed, and indeed last night I was able to fall asleep right away – but what do I do after I wake up in the middle of the night? I’m going to try everything I can. Yesterday I drew up what I’m calling an emergency mornings plan just in case something like this happens. I made a list of activities I can do to pass the time and I’m trying to follow the list as well as I can. Step one was getting up. Step two was having a little bit of breakfast even though I’m anything but hungry. Step three was writing on my journal, like I’m doing right now kind of. And so on. As soon as it’s no longer dark out I’ll take my dog out for a walk and then I’ll go to the gym. Not sure how I’m going to have enough energy to actually work out since I am so tired but I’m going to try. I have to try.

Hey StonyCreeker, thank you for your words. I'm feeling all uncertain and fearful, but messages of support help me enormously. I'm writing this in the early morning, after waking up way too early again, but I'm going to try and have a positive attitude today. I watched the video, at the beginning I was kind of anxious -in the mornings I can't sit still or focus too well unless I'm physically moving around- and I didn't know whether I'd be able to watch the whole thing, but I did, and by the end I was smiling. It's a great skit. Thank you for sharing it and making me smile.

Thank you, Valkyrie and Parker. I normally try to be as optimistic as I can about all this, but somehow today all the bad stuff got to me and I didn't know what to do but vent. Thank you both for the hugs - we may not know each other in person, but I feel you reaching out all the same and it means a lot to me. I know I always say this, but thank you so much for reading, for listening to me, for being with me on this journey. When the bad thoughts whisper, they tell me I don't deserve such love, from you, from my family, from the people around me. But your kind words, and all the messages and the support I've received here, prove those bad thoughts wrong. I'm not giving up, far from it - tonight I'll take whatever comes my way, be it rest of lack thereof, with as much equanimity as I can muster. I'm scared because I don't really know how to deal with this kind of insomnia come out of nowhere, but I'll give it my best shot. Who knows? Maybe this is the last really rough bit of road before I break through to the other side, where peace of mind awaits. Maybe I just have to be strong and tough it out for a bit more and that's it. Or maybe not, but as long as I have strength in me, emotional strength in this case, I'm fighting this. Thank you, guys. I'm all teary as I type this. Realizing I am not alone in this world gives me hope.

I suppose first of all I should say I’m thankful. Ever since the bad things happened months ago , I hadn’t really had any problems falling asleep at night. Quite the contrary, in fact. I used to look forward to the nighttime because it was when I could go to bed and forget about how bad I was feeling for eight, nine, or ten hours. Then in the mornings I would get another anxiety wave, but I could always look forward to the night once again so I could catch my breath, emotionally speaking. Also,

Thank you so much, guys. I thought it was very important for me to actually sit down and go over that day because it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. I needed to write it down so I can go back and read it when I’m not feeling as good. Oddly enough, this is the first time in several weeks that I’ve had anything approaching insomnia and I’m finding this new challenge to be scary, even though I did tell myself that it’s going to be okay in the long run. During my periods of really bad depression, I used to sleep for hours and hours and hours. Right now, sleeping for around seven hours, which is what I managed last night, feels like way too little. If I wake up in the night and I don’t go right back to sleep, I have to start fighting the cycle of thoughts that seem to want to tell me that I won’t ever sleep again or something. Fortunately, it’s been two days now that I haven’t had trouble falling asleep in the first place, even if I do not end up sleeping as much as I would like. I need to learn how to be patient. I am trying to modify my morning routine to accommodate for this change. I use to write in my journal at night, when I would feel more calm, but now I am doing so in the morning because I have way too much time on my hands before it’s time to do my daily activities, but also because I think it’s helping me. Waking up so early is less scary if I know there is something waiting for me to do. I suppose mornings will be challenging for a while still. Every day I fight against the fear of not being able to get through the day. But I need to focus on one day at a time, and today, even though I didn’t sleep super long, at least I feel better rested than yesterday and that is a step forward in the right direction. It may mean that this is just a small period of adjustment to whatever is going on my mind, and it may also mean that I am shifting towards not needing so much sleep. I wish I knew for sure, but the only thing I can do is hope and pray. I need to remember all the things I have done so far, all the small victories I have had. Even the fact that I have enough presence of mind to sit down today and write in the morning is already a huge step forward from how I was a couple of months ago. This journey is not easy and this anxiety is awful. There are times when I just want to throw a tantrum and complain that I don’t want this, but I know that it will bring me nothing good. Instead, today I’m going to get started with yet another day, I’m going to give it my all, and perhaps I will feel better later. It’s what I tell myself every day. It’s one of the things that help me keep going.

Hi guys. Yesterday was a very hard but very special day for me. Like I wrote last morning, I woke up after not having slept very much at all and it was very scary because I don’t understand why it happened. I suppose part of it was that I was nervous because I had to travel to another city for a job interview and, because of the anxiety, anything that makes me leave what I consider to be my ‘safe places’ makes me feel very bad. It’s just like the thing I have about not going out at night. If I

Hi Meric - as far as I know I'm not, though a bit of food does tend to help. In my case, I think it's the very negative associations I have with lack of sleep. It terrifies me.

Healing isn’t always a linear process. At least in my case it isn’t. I feel very confused and scared because, after that wonderful night I had a few days ago, the anxiety has come back stronger than ever I think. And I don’t know why. It all started two days ago. I woke up and, out of the blue, I felt like I used to feel a couple of weeks ago. It was way too early – everything was still dark in my window, but as soon as I opened my eyes I knew I wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep. Ly

Hi guys, thank you so much for all your comments. It's been an interesting few days with, I hope, progress being made on my part. GanymedeRex, thank you for thinking of me and including me in your prayers. You're in mine too StonyCreeker - thank you. In my day job I teach - which is, actually, a great activity for when I feel bad because I need to be wholly present in the class to engage my students. I need to project energy and enthusiasm for the topic at hand, and sometimes I'm living proof that 'fake it till you make it' does work. I may start a class faking lightheartedness just because I need to, but finish it feeling genuinely more relaxed than when I started. Other times, I feel rewarded and satisfied at kindling my students' interest in something, and together we create a kind of atmosphere of well-being in the classroom that helps me out and reminds me there are other things outside my own fears and emotions. It doesn't always happen, of course - some days I really don't want to go into the classroom, but having to be professional no matter what is something which has never come into question for me and for which I'm really thankful. I think that now that I'm forced to look at life in this new way I'm also realizing that some things, like being fortunate enough to have a job, are something to be thankful for, and besides, feeling productive tends to help a little bit. And even if it doesn't, well - it's okay to feel bad. I'll just keep going until I don't. Valkyrie - what a wonderful image. The moon holds a very special significance to me since I remember watching it that night I suddenly felt calm wash over me, weeks ago. Last night I watched it in the night sky as I took my dog out for a walk, and I felt the warmth of its light even though it's far from full. It's not whole yet but it shines. Thank you for thinking that way of me. Your support is a light in my life.

It feels as though each day is so long, yet in retrospect they seem to have gone by so fast. This last week I have been working very hard on changing my perception of something which keeps dragging me down at times: the fact that I don’t feel okay. I guess the way I explain it to myself is that, before, and for the vast majority of my life, my baseline feeling has always been either okay or good. Even when I was in the darkest depths of my depression, if you had asked me at any random moment

Thank you so much, Parker. In trying to make sense of what I am going through, I think I'm beginning to learn that sometimes it's the (seemingly) tiny things that help the most. Not by themselves, perhaps, but in combination. Maybe walking the dog isn't such a big deal to most, but for me, as I walk him I always listen to a podcast from my (many) subscriptions and I walk watching other people as they pass, enjoying the sunlight or the moonlight, while learning about something new since my favorite podcasts have to do with science. Not always, but sometimes this is enough to stop the negative cycle of thoughts in its tracks, to rob it of its momentum to just keep going round and round in my mind. Other times, like that day, a little bit of housework helps in its own way. I’m also learning that staying hydrated can really make a difference, silly though it may sound. I cry most days, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot, and remembering to drink a glass of water every time I think about it makes me feel a tiny bit better. I’m also making a conscious effort to go to bed earlier so I’m giving myself the best possible chance to have a good day the next morning, and all of these little things begin to add up over time. They are all nudging me gently towards a better frame of mind, towards understanding that although the emotional pain and the anxiety attacks might seem overwhelming while they last, they have to eventually pass because such is their nature. As I develop better habits overall, I am helping the healing process along, even though there are times when it just seems like there’s no point to anything. But that’s the trap, at least in my case: there is a point. And just because I can see what it is at the moment, it doesn’t mean that I have to act as though nothing mattered. Instead, I need to learn patience and, in my case, faith that there is a better future ahead of me. Something I think about sometimes is this comic I once saw about a guy digging through a mountain looking for treasure, he digs and digs and eventually gives up – inches away from the motherlode of diamonds or whatever. He couldn’t see them, though, and just assumed his efforts had been for nothing. I’m not looking for treasure, but for calm, for peace of mind. I can choose to think that maybe right now my little efforts are not worth it, or like they are pointless, or I can choose to think that there’s a future worth fighting for ahead of me and I owe it to myself not to give up. I always choose the second option. In these dark times, hope is one of the most precious things I have.

Yesterday, for the first time ever I think since the bad things happened in my life, I got angry. It’s weird, but before everything came to a head and exploded in the worst possible way a few months ago, I was constantly angry at anything and everything. Since my relationship was going down the drain and things were getting increasingly abusive, I think I was taking all of that veiled violence out on the world at large. It was not a good way to live, not a good way to feel, and I have changed so

Thank you both so much. You have brightened my New Year's Eve with hope. Valkyrie, I will take your words to heart. It's hard for me to see that I am making progress, but comments like yours help me gain perspective, and I teared up when I read you're proud of me. Your words are an embrace of friendship reaching out to me through the distance. I'm so thankful for your continued support and encouragement. I wish you all the best for this coming year, too. Jdonley, thank you, too, I think a tiny kernel of anger might indeed be smoldering beneath the ashes, and I want to take all of those emotions and turn them into fuel for becoming a better person. I want to learn how to turn something bad into something good. I want to learn how to do so many things, it seems... and the fact you also think I'm making progress is very very encouraging to me as well. I think I need to start believing it, truly believing it, so the thought can help carry me through the bad times. Have a wonderful New Year's celebration. I'm so thankful for your messages.

Today, the year draws to a close and it’s a time to take stock of everything that’s happened, to look back – but also to look forward, to decide on how to face the road ahead. This year has been the hardest of my life by far. I have always struggled with some measure of depression and anxiety, but in the last months of the year they were kicked into overdrive by bad things happening in my life and sometimes it’s hard to see the way forward through all of this confusion, fear, and doubt

Hi Fae - yeah, I understand the not-having-a-cause bit. Sometimes it's just there, and the cause is not obvious, may not even be something you can consciously identify. Nevertheless, the attack remains. It's awful.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss, Fae. Those are lovely lyrics you mention, and very true. Maybe not tonight... but one day. I can totally understand 'hour by hour'. At times, for me, it's minute by minute... but we're still here, and we're gonna be fine. I need to start believing that (and listen to that song).

Guys, thank you so much... I don't even know what to say - I'm very moved. Jdonley - the image of the phoenix made me choke up, it's such a beautiful thought. It reminds me that each day is an opportunity to be reborn, to let go of the past and start the first chapter of a new life, with more wisdom, more compassion, more love. Thank you. I'm trying to create new memories to replace the old ones, and even though it's hard, I am making progress. It may be a while before these wounds have healed, but I know they will. GanymedeRex - I'm beyond thankful at hearing you've thought of me and prayed for me. I teared up after reading your comment. Sometimes this disorder and these brooding thoughts make me think that I don't deserve love, or the good things that come my way. Whenever someone does something nice for me, my first instinct is to feel guilty, to think 'this person should have done this nice thing. I'm not worth it.' Nevertheless, now in these hard times I am rediscovering my faith. I thought I had lost it, thought I'd become so jaded by my fears of the world that there was no room in it for belief and humility and love. And yet now that I need it the most, it's come back to me. I'm a bit uncertain on how to pray, how to connect again with God since it's been so long, but I'm so very thankful for the love I've felt, and which I'm still feeling, everywhere I look. Thank you, and I wish you a wonderful pilgrimage.

Hi, everyone. I won’t lie – it’s been a rough week. Going into stores or shopping malls, it’s hard to avoid the sensory overload from the barrage of Christmas stuff going on. I’m one of those people that, for one reason or another, has formed negative associations with this time of the year because of things that have happened, sometimes many years ago. It’s hard to be cheerful at the best of times, but this year in particular it’s hit me at a time when I’m already emotionally unstable. At times

Guys, thank you so much for commenting. Today has been kind of rough and it has helped me to read your words. They give me perspective - that while right now I may feel like this is the weight of the world on my shoulders, I'll be able to look back one day on this and realize time has healed me, and that my efforts to keep going with life are not in vain. Puppilull - thank you for sharing that image of the spiral, I think it's kind of what I'm going through too. I started out really deep and dark but ever since I decided to change for the better and face my problems head on , I've been circling away from that dark place and slowly moving forward into the light - but the path is not a straight line, rather that curved shape which may sometimes make it seem like I'm back at square 1 when in reality I'm better and all I need is a shift of perspective. Thank you, Valkyrie, for saying I'm strong - my family told me that too and it helps me to hear it because I think I may be starting to believe it a tiny bit. Jdonley, thank you for sharing the image of burden shared = burden lightened. Though it was tough to open up to my sister and look at everything from the outside once again, now there are no secrets and my family is all on the same page. I think honesty is a good starting point, and they have offered me their support, which can only make this journey easier in the long run.

I guess sometimes it is easy to underestimate the emotional impact certain things will have on the mind. For me, at least, that’s what happened. Now that the holidays are here, family reunions take place. We catch up with others, find out how they’ve been doing… And we have to tell them how we are doing. In my case, my family is not very big but we are very close. Most of the bad stuff that’s happened to me in the last few months I have only discussed with my mom, but now that the family has com

Thank you so much. I truly appreciate your words, and I send you a hug right back!

Thank you all for your comments! Jdonley, I totally understand that feeling (or lack thereof) when you were okay it seemed, but the anxiety crept up on you so stealthily that you suddenly take stock and realize you're already diving headfirst into another attack without realizing it. At the moment, most of the times my attacks start suddenly and painfully whenever I make a negative association which reminds me of past events. But sometimes, I'll be at work getting steadily worse without realizing it until it hits me: I'm experiencing another episode. As weeks go by, I'm getting better at recognizing the telltale signs of another impending attack, but I don't always realize it's happening. If I do, though, I try my best to redirect the negative energy somehow, even if it feels like nothing can stop the avalanche of negativity. I find doing productive stuff helps a bit. StonyCreeker - I also can relate to what you mention. Those ruts of thought are insidious and require so much effort and dedication to try and change. Sometimes it feels like you can't change them, but I'm very stubborn and I'm sure as hell going to try to change mine. I try to count my successes instead of my failures and it's heartening, at least a little. I won't lie, though - at times I get discouraged. But that's when I come online and read the comments on these entries of mine, to gather strength and to feel connected to others, especially at night before bed. That way I feel better prepared to face the dreams (and nightmares) in case they come. Thank you, guys!