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albertnothlit

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Everything posted by albertnothlit

  1. albertnothlit
    The Tide It rises and ebbs. Sometimes, it happens every few hours. Before, it would be much slower – months would pass before anything changed. Now, it rises and ebbs every few minutes, every few seconds even. It is the tide of my mental anxiety, the slow – or fast-- bubbling up of fear deep in my chest that appears to come of its own volition, randomly, the assaults requiring constant attention, constant monitoring, constant thought. And yet I am making progress. I have been paying
  2. albertnothlit
    Thank you for the comments! The journey ahead is much less daunting when kind words support me as I walk. Hugs.
  3. albertnothlit
    GanymedeRex - I've actually been thinking that one day soon I may start to write again. God knows that now I have material to draw from! Silver lining?
  4. albertnothlit
    Thank you, guys. The more I write about these thoughts, the more I bring them out into the light, where their darkness withers and I can see them as they truly are - mere thoughts. Nothing more.
  5. albertnothlit
    It's taking time, but I think there are small steps forward which I'm taking - one at a time. My subconscious is catching up to reality, I think.
  6. albertnothlit
    Something bad is going to happen soon and you can’t stop it. You’re in danger! Watch out, it’s going to take your life away from you, it’s going to destroy it. It’s something horrible and it’s coming. It’s coming NOW! Today in the afternoon I had a very sharp episode where the thoughts above would spear through my mind every few minutes. While the episode was going on, rational thinking was no good. I would just jerk upright in my seat as each wave hit. I was in danger and I couldn’t d
  7. albertnothlit
    Thank you, guys. I'm trying hard to remember your kind words and those of my family when the bad thoughts come. I'll keep posting here, whenever I can muster the strength to do so - it is helping me, and your comments help me too. I am even daring to feel a tiny bit of progress. I'm not alone. I must remember this.
  8. albertnothlit
    Why mornings hurt so bad Being such a fan of literature as I am, I have often come across descriptions of how characters feel after a very traumatic event. I have also tried to put myself in the shoes of someone who has gone through something horrible, to connect with that frame of mind if I ever needed to, for a story I was writing. I was kind of familiar with the way the mind handles trauma - or thought I was. Now that I’m going through something for real, though, I realize there is
  9. albertnothlit
    Thank you, Drpaladin, and BooRadley. I know this to be true as well, having been through both experiences, with and without meds. I'm trying very hard to fight this with all I've got. If some medication is needed, so be it - but I won't use it as a crutch.
  10. albertnothlit
    Thank you all so much for all the wonderful messages and support. It was a rough weekend, but I'm still here and I look forward to today. It means a lot to me to know that my thoughts are heard, and even more to read your advice and your thoughts. I can't thank you all enough, though I'm certainly going to try. Best wishes to all, -Albert
  11. albertnothlit
    Generalized anxiety disorder. That’s what I’ve been told I have, by my psychiatrist. It leads to panic attacks every now and then, but by far the most debilitating thing about this is the fact that I am constantly worrying, every minute of every day. I tend to extrapolate the bad things that have happened today and think that they will happen every single day of my future, even if it’s not even a rational thought. I had a brief period of calm about a week ago, but anything can set the vicious cy
  12. albertnothlit
    Yeah. I'm trying hard to remember, to face the fear and let it pass. It's damn hard, but you know what? I'm still here. And I'm not going anywhere.
  13. albertnothlit
    Thank you so much, guys. Today was especially hard for me because it's supposed to be a happy day, you know? I'm scared of having a panic attack in the night. But I'll try to sleep a bit.
  14. albertnothlit
    The stress of an entire week, compressed into an overwhelming instant. That's what it feels like, sometimes. A sudden mental extrapolation of every single thing I have to do for the next few days rushes in, making it seem like I have to do everything right then. It's too much, of course. It makes me shake with fear that I just won't be able to do it. I was swimming today at the gym, trying to get through my workout, and at one point it seemed like my motivation drained away and I couldn't fo
  15. albertnothlit
    Yeah - it's hard to let go when I've been a control freak for so long, but it's also liberating, in a way. I'm trying to really understand what it means to accept things as they come without agonizing over every variable I could possibly influence to optimize an outcome.
  16. albertnothlit
    Thank you, Parker. Hugs to you as well!
  17. albertnothlit
    Thank you for taking the time to read, and to reach out, Valkyrie. It means the world to me right now.
  18. albertnothlit
    Day by day Being out in the water is scary. There is a primal part of the brain which fears the unknown, and nothing is more mysterious than the inexorable pull of the current below the surface. At first, it might be easier to simply deny such currents exist. To fight against them, even. For me, as I sail on the boat of my life, the strategy was always very simple: hold on, keep course. I had a destination and I would not waver from it, regardless of where the water wanted to take me.
  19. albertnothlit
    "You have no power over me." Thank you for mentioning that. There is wisdom there, which I'll try to remember when it gets bad. Thank you also for sharing - it means a lot.
  20. albertnothlit
    Thank you to everyone for the kind wishes I received on publishing the last chapter of this journal-thing I'm keeping. I did not expect all that support and I am humbled by your kindness.
  21. albertnothlit
    Wow. Guys.... thank you. I don't know what to say except thank you. I didn't expect such kind support and I am very grateful for your words. Sending you all a big hug.
  22. albertnothlit
    On the nature of fear Tonight, I would like to share with you an epiphany I had while walking my dog. The moon was full out, colored lightly golden like it sometimes is when it is still low on the horizon. It was cool but not chilly, the air filled with a gentleness that I have not felt for a couple of weeks now. And as I was picking up my dog’s poop, it happened. The familiar icy hot sensation of panic surged through my chest, triggered by association to the song I was listening to on
  23. albertnothlit
    thank you, guys. I hope this journal will help me out somehow. I'm thankful for your kind words.
  24. albertnothlit
    Hello all. I come to you in humility, after years of not publishing anything on this wonderful site. I have been struck with depression, struck down hard. I have been in psychiatric treatment, and then left it when the side effects got too bad and I saw no improvement to my mental health. My life has changed, too, in many ways. I have dealt with the blows, one by one, but this last one threatens to make me crumble - and I don't want to. So I come back to writing, wiser, older, afraid. These
  25. albertnothlit
    I am dealing with chronic depression and panic attacks. This is my journey to try to make sense of it all.
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