acht-acht

THat´s so sweet.

Dear Bee, don´t give up yet. And I bet you´re not a selfish heartless bitch. It might be just more difficult for you to empathize, other people´s emotions are probably like a foreign language to you sometimes, because of your ASD - like with everybody else liking hugs while you don´t. You´ll learn to read people better, and you´ll learn to express yourself more easily. We all hurt people with our shit sometimes btw, it just happens by accident, even to the most benign characters. It´s life. We just say sorry and try to make amends or make the one we hurt better again ... there´s no other way.

Joe, my dear - what is it? I think you have been coping so well with all kinds of crap that life has thrown your way recently. Maybe it was all a bit much. I know this feeling when nothing seems right ... Hugs, and hugs to you too, KC. I haven´t lost anybody I saw everyday and spent a lot of time with yet ... so I can´t really imagine how alone you feel now. Hug, hug hug. Clara

Dishonest Jim apparently sold Weebl (or Bob ? ) a "Mongolian Snail Race" playset that wasn´t the proper/ original Mongolian Snail Race set as seen on TV/the internet or whatever but a cheap knock-off ... even though Bob (or Weebl?) told Weebl (or Bob?) explicitly NOT to buy from Dishonest Jim - who can´t be trusted. Apparently. Okay, now you all know I´ve been watching Weebl and Bob on YouTube all afternoon instead of working.

Hi Mark. My life is so much better now I know: Must watch Weebl & Bob. Must not trust Dishonest Jim!

I think I need to find out who Weeble and Bob are. Mark, you´re supposed to come here for sympathy, and to vent, at least that´s how I understand this thread! I know it can be hard for people who live with someone who´s depressed or dealing with a traumatic experience in real life, that they sometimes don´t want to hear any more about it, that´s just human. But that´s why we come here, right, because it´s a safe environment and we don´t haveto fear that we´re just getting on people´s nerves. And you´re over things when you´re over things - or not. I mull over the same things in my head I´ve been mulling over since I was 12, and I haven´t even been abused, I´m just neurotic and miserable sometimes. Have a good night everybody. Where´s Joe btw? What´s happening in your life?

Hi Marky - glad things are good and busy for you. I was curious and looked up the breed of pigs you raise ... they are cuuuute! And I bet they make tasty bacon (I know, I´m cruel ...) Busy too, with renovations, moving, legal crap ... Hugs!

Oh Marky, I was afraid it might be something like that. Don´t let this drive you back into your shell, stay with us, we like you here!! And you looked pretty on the new picture. But I can understand that exposure like this can be a shock. Please try to forgive Barry, because he disdn´t mean to harm you. And come back to us whenever you´re ready. Hugs hugs hugs

Good for you, Lily! Angry words or a nice screaming match can be good things. I´m working up to having one or the other with my boyfriend soon - we´re not happy atm! And I´m definitely experiencing a crisis of confidence right now. But strangely, I still got a lot of work (good) done today, after only 3 hours of sleep the night before. Go figure. What happened, Marky? I hope the blow to your confidence isn´t the reason for your new pic ... that you´re hiding behind a landscape becaus you want to be INVISIBLE now - I got used to seeing your face around here.

Comic, when I read about your BD I couldn´t help but think: If this guy´s such hot property, such a catch, such a PRINCE that he feels entitled to be insanely rude to people who don´t meet his advanced standards - what´s he doing on a blind date? What, people are not queueing up to go out with this wonderful person? I can´t imagine why ... Anyways, we could always be younger, thinner, fitter, wittier or richer or whatever ... what we don´t need are people to point out our shortcomings to us all the time. I know I´ve been too overweight for quite some time and my boyfriend wasn´t too happy about it, just like me, but he knew it would be no use to bug me about it all the time. I started losing weight when I was ready to go about it properly, I just have to wait till the moment feels right to me. Just like when I stopped smoking. I had tried to stop smoking at least 10 times before, tried to "discipline" myself, to be "strong", and it never worked. Then I just thought, fuck this, one day I´ll be ready and I´ll just stop. Which is what happened. One night, before I went to sleep, I had a last smoke and thought: tomorrow´s the day. And the next day I just didn´t light up again. I had a pack of smokes on my nightstand for another two weeks and just didn´t touch them. After a week I asked my boyfriend: Did you notice something´s different about me? And he: No, what? LOL. Because I wasn´t all crabby and miserable like when I had tried to stop smoking before. He stopped smoking too after he saw I could do it. But - we have to make changes because it feels right to US, not to please other people. You´re on the right way. And it doesn´t matter when you fall off the wagon. Who doesn´t stumble? You´ll get up again.

Hi Sweetums! Excercise is good. I´ll soon be able to go "running" again, if you wanna call it that ... I couldn´t for two years because I was too fat and trying to run or jog totally killed my feet (I have the bone structure made for a skinny person, which I´ve been for most of my life). I´ve lost 20 lbs or so in the last 3 months, and want to loose like 10 more before I go running again. Till then I´ll rather go swimming. It´s perfect for me - when I took up regular swimming again I went and got myself a more swimming-friendly haircut, that motivated me proper!! I really enjoyed swimming when the weather outside was NASTY BITCHY COLD I was alone in the pool with one or two other guys usually. I also try and go everywhere by bike, which is easy because I live in a city that´s not too big. Since I´m mostly off my meds I stopped sweating as profusely as I did during the medicated years, which makes "soft" excercise easier - meaning I can go by bike when I´m meeting people without arriving a sweaty disgusting mess. Go, sporty me!

Hi All - me again. Actually, I don´t feel so hot right now. My sweetheart´s brother died very suddenly two weeks ago. He´s only two years older than him, and his heart gave out one evening - he was sitting in front of the tv with his mother, and had a heart attack. That was it. We got the call late in the evening. Thank god my brother was there and he could drive us there, otherwise we couldn´t have been there before the next day, and we didn´t want to leave my boyfriends mother all alone during the night. When we got there, we found we didn´t even wear socks (´we´d been ready to go to bed). They both cried and cried, and my boyfriend had the most horrible nightmares that night and the next ... They didn´t even get along so well, they were so different, but still, he was his brother ... we´ve been hardly sleeping for almost two weeks, we´re both just so tired, because there´s so much to organize ... but thre first two days were the worst, because there was nothing we could do, just sit there and wait, we couldn´t even organize the funeral, because the police kept his brothers body for some time (unclear cause of death, can you believe it). We were afraid his mother would totally loose it because it was such a shock for her, she started acting like she had dementia, told the guy at the funeral home that her son had played soccer all his life (but that was her husband, he died years ago) - scary. Wanted us to move in and do everything for her because she was unfit to live on her own because she forgets things ... It wasn´t only the grief, it was also that she was used to living with a "man of the house" her whole life. After a few day s my boyfriend started to get pissed and told her to get a grip - that she wasn´t a little girl but a grown woman and not in the least bit senile, and it worked. She started doing things without asking him or me first, started answering the phone herself - even started not answering the phone when she didn´t feel like it. We´re back at home now and just phone her every day. Going back next monday. There was a funeral service already, but now we´re burying the urn, just the three of us. We´re not sick with grief any more, we´re making our jokes and everything, but things are off. Not the best time to be without my meds, but so far I´m doing okay ... it´s just that my nerves are kind of thrummimg constantly, I can´t really describe it. I always have to remind myself to breathe properly, you know. Well, but we´re all gonna be good, I think. Just a bit much atm.

Hi all! LOL, Marky - nothing wrong with take-away when you´re a healthy young hardworking lad. I love fish and chips and salt n vinegar crisps and sticky pink little cakes, that used to be all I ate when in the UK ... I love all kinds of take-away food indian chinese japanese ... crazy sweets ... or good old fashioned home cooking ... or health food, everything really - when I travelled Europe during summer vacations as a kid I was always drooling over the strange and interesting foodstuffs I saw and couldn´t afford - I was mostly travelling on a bread-and-cheese-budget. Love your arts-and-crafts efforts. I wish I could make beautiful wooden sex toys! Although I have the most beautiful, sleek, futuristic, insanely expensive white latex vibrator that never disappoints, something hand-crafted and -polished would probably look more dignified on my nightstand!

Hi Roan! I´m damn glad I haven´t been to that bad curl-up-and-die place in a long time. There are bad spells where I can´t do much more than go through the motions, but at least I remember what the motions are. What I always hated when I went into a slump was not only that I made everybody around me miserable, I also felt that it stole so much time from me. It took big chunks out of my life. And the "oh no, not again" looks ... I know my sweetheart feels real lonely when I´m depressed ... there´s really nothing he can do for me, except pick up all my slack, all my work, and worry. At least we always find ways to talk. What I LOVE is coming out of a depression and suddenly feeling myself again ... there´s nothing like it!! Just to breathe makes me happy in such a moment.

marky, this is the sweetest story. Esp. knowing a little bit about your own background. How protective you feel about this little fay kingdom you watch over. I also liked the clever use of modern technology to communicate with little Apple, cuute. It immediately started a fairy tale in my own head where I come looking for you, first following the railroad tracks, then finding my way to the iron birds´nests and asking around the fairy community where I can find the pretty young giant in his wood LOL. I hope you kick down that gate for real and for good one day! With or without the help of the fay. Hugs, Clara

First, a Hi to Bee. I worry a little about you. What happened with your internet friend? Was it really so bad what you did? I also wondered wether it would help you at all to be diagnosed with Asperger - it´s not like they can give you a pill and cure you, which is maybe what you´re wishing for. But knowing might help you to understand yourself and other people to understand you. I have a very dear friend with Asperger. I didn´t know of his condition when we met, but he for sure never was "normal" - he´s a musician and absolutely maniacal on stage (and everywhere else he´s performing), he´s insanely good with maths and language (uncommon combination), very witty, he´s a good football (soccer) player and very astute in reading football matches and analyzing teams, a social skill that will take you a long way here in Europe. He has a lot of tiny hang ups and everyday-life-handicaps I only picked up on when I knew him a while, like, he can´t, really can´t, talk about things he doesn´t want to talk about, not right away at least ... he works day and night (computer maintenance) but doesn´t get around to billing people, so he´s totally broke at times while people owe him 10 000 euros, he can´t let go of things hence the crazy hours of work he puts in .. he drinks like a fish and it doesn´t ever seem to affect him ... that´s only the superficial stuff. There´s other things, but I just meant to say that in spite of his difficulties he´s kind of successful as a person, at least I think so. It´s cool to know him. He has a lot of friends, and a "normal" girlfriend who´s much more crazy and annoying that he is. But I have to say that we´re all not exactly normal, whatever that is - at least none of us are capable of leading regular nine to five lives. Other than that, we do okay, mostly. I know most parents want different things for their kids, maybe bigger, or "safer" ... In our family, my sister was the only one who decided a suburban life with kids and a husband with well-paying job was exactly the thing for her, me and my brother are just dropouts who came around. What I meant to say is just - I think a person with Asperger can function pretty well and have a happy/ interesting life, just maybe not a very conventional one. But is that so bad?

Bee - hugs are tricky. I very free with hugs nowadays, but usually with people I´m in a "hugging relation" with. I never just attack people with hugs, not even children (or especially not children, I usually wait for them to come and get their hug). When I was youger I was appalled when friends of mine had been in America for some time and came back as serial huggers! And left-right-kissers! In puberty and as a young grown-up I hated hugging ... maybe because it was more important for me to feel like a separate, independent person, it felt like every bit of idividuality and me-ness was sooo hard-fought for and hugging kind of took away from that. Like another person wanted to suck me in or something. My oldest nephew is 17 now and I usually don´t hug him without warning - he hugged me a while ago after trying to teach me to play Grand Theft Auto, that startled me. (I think he was enthusiastic because I wrecked a Million cars about a millisecond after starting the game.) And I hate it when I get nothing but a nice friendly hug from someone I´d rather have hot sex with. Damn!

Bee, you´re a scary thing - and I mean in the best possible way. I liked the "You don´t have to agree with me right now", it sounded so sinister. Sweet! Clara

LOL - at least he tries. I think the awkward hugs by non-huggy people have their own charm.

I´m hogging this thread. Sorry!

Hugs: Another good thing about my family is, most of them are pretty huggy, so you can borrow some of mine: My Dad always wants a bear hug first, then he takes your head in both hands and squeezes a little, then he´ll pet and stroke your hair till it´s all nice and flat (when you just spent ages in front of the mirror to fluff it up or part it just the right way). My mom´s pretty soft and squishy, and a lot of that, so you can burrow inside her like a big old featherbead. Classic mom stuff. My little brother is a tall hairy giant who gives monster hugs and can carry you around upside down. But when he hugs me I still can feel the clingy little boy who used to look up to me. My sister and I give responsible, supportive, take-care-of-things-hugs, very grown-up. The kids just wind and twist around you all trustful, and will sometimes box you in the stomach just because they can´t contain their love -LOL We also had hugghish grandparents, but they´re dead now. If you want a non-family hug, turn to my boyfriend. He´s good at "lad" hugs that are more like tussles, but he´s also the master of soft caresses and sort of "femmy" cuddles ... he always finds a way to be nearer still, even if he has to stick his nose in my ear *snort* I know remote hugs aren´t the real thing, but if you like - take your pick. I guess I´m in a good mood today or I wouldn´t remember all the nice stuff instead of the times we were at each other´s throats!

Harold, I don´t know if it would be such a good idea for me to meet Mark in person, for example: I talk too loud and gesticulate, throwing my arms around, I´d probably give him a scare LOL. Another thing is that I´ve always found it to be helpful to have places where you can try a "new you" on for size, so to say - you have a community like here where you can find support, but can still draw back when you feel the need, and nobody will get huffy. When you meet people in person you enter kind of a "social contract" some might not be ready for.

The weather play s a big part, Mark! In winter it get´s dark much too early for me when I´m on my "bohemian" schedule - get up at 10 in the morning, laze about till noon, clean the house a little, start working at 2 p.m. ... and at 4 p.m. it start´s to get dark. You´re definitely seeing more of the day when you have chores to do at 5 in the morning! In summer vacations I´m up at seven, ready to start a day of vacationing to the max going swimming, visiting castles and cathedrals or whatever ... Snow´s great though, but over here it´s just ice cold, my fingers and lips will crack as soon as I go outside, bah. The kids have their sleighs at the ready, but no snow yet. This special, cold winter sun is shining, and it makes me see every speck of dust in the house! Want to clean the windows, but it seems a waste of time, since new windows are coming on thursday.

Mark, I´m not that far away from you (Germany) and it´s 23:50 right now on my computer clock. What I can do on autopilot is putter around in our apartment, clean up and put stuff and clutter we have lying around into boxes because I have to make room for the guys who´ll come and build in our new windows next week. When that´s done I´ll finally paint the walls ... I´m trying to lose weight and am pretty pleased with my progress, so I can have a little ice cream tonight before bed cause I don´t want to overdo it with the dieting. Wildman, I´m glad to hear you´re feeling good and happy tonight! You know what, I grew up in a teacher´s household, started to talk and read very very early and had all kinds of advangtages but somehow managed to develop a total lack of social competence in school and among my peers. What always drove me crazy were people who got pissed at me because I didn´t "follow the rules" - when no one had bothered to tell me what the rules were. Everybody seemed to know but me. I think you did very well for yourself, considering the horrible way you were treated as a child. You may be still shy and scared, but you seem to be coming out of your shell ever so slowly. It´s sweet that your Postman waits for you and takes teh time to chat. And totally amazing to me is that you were running a farm ALONE ... I almost can´t wrap my head around it, Farmer Mark. Ah - my sweetheart has ironed my favorite granny nightdress for me so I´m going to bed! Hugs all around ...

Hi, and thanks for the warm welcome you all. Some stuff about depression treatment/ medication/ self-medication ... Since I was a grown-up (= since my parents finally agreed to let me move out for good and live on my own when I was sixteen), I had usually been able to "deal" with my bouts of depression by just allowing myself to go all the down into the slump and mire of my misery, just went underground for a week or so till I came out on the other side and could see the light again. My self-medication was the usual non-subscription stuff available: drinking, chain-smoking, taking drugs, fucking around, picking fights with nasty fat abusive fuckers just for the thrill of it, and it wasn´t all bad. I actually met a lot of nice and interesting people that way, can you believe it. Dropped in and out of school(s), but mostly did bar jobs (it didn´t show I was a little young) but finally found something I liked to do: founded a little music magazine with some friends which required me to clean up my act just a little but still allowed for the self-destructive release I needed. It also provided me with a network of people who taught me how to not make a total mess of the everyday crap of life like dealing with taxes, unpaid electricity bills, police matters, how to get health insurance and brave a dentist ... Actually, I wasn´t able to just pick up a phone and talk reason with whoever was on the other end of the line at the phone company or wherever, because I took everything so personal and never took into account they were just doing a job and didn´t know anything about my predicaments. To learn they were often willing to actually help was a big step. Well. I got older and chose a more responsible life style because I had to; I wanted to be there for my little brother and for my younger sister who just had had her first baby, a little boy, who developed neurodermatitis when he was only a couple months old. The poor little guy had eczema all over his body he scratched bloody, didn´t sleep a night through, and all that was just too much for a young mother with her first child, even with a very supportive husband, but he worked long hours and needed a little downtime for himself too. My mother was supportive too, but tended to drive her crazy, so I took on the experiment of being an aunt and it turned out I was good at it. So, I worked, I took responsibilities and liked it, I was creative and working, everything was going as it should be, if it weren´t for the increasing sleeplessness that went on for x nights in a row, at first I could make up for lost sleep with a nap during daytime, but after a while that didn´t work any more till I was near psychotic with sleep deprivation. I couldn´t sleep for need of sleep. When it got unbearable I went to the emergency room of the nearest hospital and they gave me two sleeping pills with the order to go home, close the curtains and lie on my bed before swallowing them and then just sleep till I woke up naturally. Worked okay. Then I developed free floating anxiety disorder - I had always been a neurotic child scared about irrational stuff like ghosts and nightmares and shit, but that was usually one thing at a time and i would get over it with addressing that specific scare, like watching every horror movie known to mankind till I managed to reduce my own fear of the dark and it´s creatures to just another pop cultural reference. The new quality was that it suddenly felt like my whole psyche was full of cracks where everything could seep in and turn into a trauma, even the littlest feelings of discomfort or irritation, and it was impossible to address them all, they were so elusive, one phobia blended into another, my issues, other peoples issues ... I was already getting talk therapy then, and my GP was trying to take the edge off with high doses of St. John´s wort extract. Didn´t do much, but at least didn´t make it worse. Then came a much needed vacation with my boyfriend, and even before we went, I knew something was off. I mentioned it to a very dear girlfriend of mine who swore on Rescue Remedy (the Bach flower therapy stuff) and gave me a teensy bottle for should the worst happen. I almost made it through the vacation and even managed to enjoy some of the time, but then I had one of my restless nights in a tiny B&B where we slept door to door with the host who treated me like he didn´t want me to be there for no reason that was apparent to me and I felt trapped and agitated, just the condition Rescue Remedy is supposed to relieve, so I took the crap and of course NOTHING happened. Note: If Rescue Remedy actually helps you, you can be sure your condition wasn´t all that grave to begin with. After that, everything spiralled out of control. When we were at Heathrow Airport the next day, I totally lost it. You know, when you´re inside the terminal building you can sometimes feel the whole structure and floor rumble with the big machines starting and landing, and that was what set me off - it was like my whole reality was ripped wide open, and I was standing all alone at the end of time, staring into the absolute cold and nothingness of the universe ... with nothing but fucking Rescue Remedy to shield me from the horror. I really don´t know how I managed to get on that plane with some semblance of sanity and make it home without trying to smash in a window and jump out during the flight or screaming "I´ve got a bomb, shoot me!", but when we were home I immediately talked to my GP and told her I couldn´t go on like that and she sent me to a proper psychiatrist (yeah, I know, the scary guys from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo´s Nest", but trust me, if you need medication, you need one of those, only they find their way through the endless array of pharmaceuticals on the market) who then helped me to find a medication that suited me. You have to know that finding the right combination of meds is no picnic - anti-depressants, who are also given for anxiety-attacks, are no tranquilizers which kick in immediately (but are nothing for long-term use), anti-depressants have to build up in your blood over a few weeks, and then you have to wait a few more weeks to see wether they´re doing it for you, and if they don´t, you have to get them out of your system, which takes just as long, before you can try the whole thing all over again with another prescription. There can be paradox reactions, like: you feel agitated, but it´s still possible that the prescription that works for you is an "activating" one rather than a sedating one as one would think. And with stuff that makes you more active there´s always the risk that it will give you just the last little energy rush you needed to go through with killing yourself. (Sometimes apathy can be a blessing, too!) That´s why they often give you tranquilizers for the time you´re adjusting to the meds, and that´s a good thing as long as you stay within the prescribed doses. I didn´t want to be a good little girl and take my Xanax, that´s why I spent almost two months and a family Christmas sitting trembling and sleepless in front of the telly day and night, watching random programs about all kinds of stuff (learned a lot, I would actually know how to make my own Champange now if I had the means!!) eating tons of chocolate and still losing weight faster than I could replace calories. Ugh!* Add to that the neccessity to explain to well-meaning but clueless people (like your family) what you´re going through and that it basically would be best if they left you alone until you scream for their help ... not easy, because EVERYBODY´s a therapist and all your family and friends believe they know exactly what you need, well, I guess you´ve all dealt with that. The hardest thing for me was having to explain to the kids I wouldn´t be making up new stories for them for a pretty long while because my story-brain wasn´t working so good any more. I didn´t want them to think I was just brushing them off. At least I wasn´t alone, I had a lot of people who cared and were trying their best to be supportive even if they didn´t get everything right at first and were sometimes driving me nuts. They gave me the space I needed finally and were there when I reached out for them. My situation right now: I was on meds for 15 years now and just recently kicked them (a month ago, so I´ve got them out of my system properly) , now I´ll have to see. I´ll make an appointment with my shrink in a week or so, ask him what he thinks, and if it turns out I can´t go completely without meds maybe we´ll try something different. What I hated about my meds were the - albeit harmless! - side-effects (everything that works has side-effects) : an extremely dry mouth and excessive sweating, which meant lugging around gallons of water and three changes of clothes everywhere I go. I had suddenly had enough. End of story for now. Bye! *(And that´s only the treatment for pretty common depression/anxiety disorder that´s harmless compared to finding treatment for someone who´s bi-polar, where the situation can be much more volatile.)