acht-acht

Hi, and thanks for the warm welcome you all. Some stuff about depression treatment/ medication/ self-medication ... Since I was a grown-up (= since my parents finally agreed to let me move out for good and live on my own when I was sixteen), I had usually been able to "deal" with my bouts of depression by just allowing myself to go all the down into the slump and mire of my misery, just went underground for a week or so till I came out on the other side and could see the light again. My self-medication was the usual non-subscription stuff available: drinking, chain-smoking, taking drugs, fucking around, picking fights with nasty fat abusive fuckers just for the thrill of it, and it wasn´t all bad. I actually met a lot of nice and interesting people that way, can you believe it. Dropped in and out of school(s), but mostly did bar jobs (it didn´t show I was a little young) but finally found something I liked to do: founded a little music magazine with some friends which required me to clean up my act just a little but still allowed for the self-destructive release I needed. It also provided me with a network of people who taught me how to not make a total mess of the everyday crap of life like dealing with taxes, unpaid electricity bills, police matters, how to get health insurance and brave a dentist ... Actually, I wasn´t able to just pick up a phone and talk reason with whoever was on the other end of the line at the phone company or wherever, because I took everything so personal and never took into account they were just doing a job and didn´t know anything about my predicaments. To learn they were often willing to actually help was a big step. Well. I got older and chose a more responsible life style because I had to; I wanted to be there for my little brother and for my younger sister who just had had her first baby, a little boy, who developed neurodermatitis when he was only a couple months old. The poor little guy had eczema all over his body he scratched bloody, didn´t sleep a night through, and all that was just too much for a young mother with her first child, even with a very supportive husband, but he worked long hours and needed a little downtime for himself too. My mother was supportive too, but tended to drive her crazy, so I took on the experiment of being an aunt and it turned out I was good at it. So, I worked, I took responsibilities and liked it, I was creative and working, everything was going as it should be, if it weren´t for the increasing sleeplessness that went on for x nights in a row, at first I could make up for lost sleep with a nap during daytime, but after a while that didn´t work any more till I was near psychotic with sleep deprivation. I couldn´t sleep for need of sleep. When it got unbearable I went to the emergency room of the nearest hospital and they gave me two sleeping pills with the order to go home, close the curtains and lie on my bed before swallowing them and then just sleep till I woke up naturally. Worked okay. Then I developed free floating anxiety disorder - I had always been a neurotic child scared about irrational stuff like ghosts and nightmares and shit, but that was usually one thing at a time and i would get over it with addressing that specific scare, like watching every horror movie known to mankind till I managed to reduce my own fear of the dark and it´s creatures to just another pop cultural reference. The new quality was that it suddenly felt like my whole psyche was full of cracks where everything could seep in and turn into a trauma, even the littlest feelings of discomfort or irritation, and it was impossible to address them all, they were so elusive, one phobia blended into another, my issues, other peoples issues ... I was already getting talk therapy then, and my GP was trying to take the edge off with high doses of St. John´s wort extract. Didn´t do much, but at least didn´t make it worse. Then came a much needed vacation with my boyfriend, and even before we went, I knew something was off. I mentioned it to a very dear girlfriend of mine who swore on Rescue Remedy (the Bach flower therapy stuff) and gave me a teensy bottle for should the worst happen. I almost made it through the vacation and even managed to enjoy some of the time, but then I had one of my restless nights in a tiny B&B where we slept door to door with the host who treated me like he didn´t want me to be there for no reason that was apparent to me and I felt trapped and agitated, just the condition Rescue Remedy is supposed to relieve, so I took the crap and of course NOTHING happened. Note: If Rescue Remedy actually helps you, you can be sure your condition wasn´t all that grave to begin with. After that, everything spiralled out of control. When we were at Heathrow Airport the next day, I totally lost it. You know, when you´re inside the terminal building you can sometimes feel the whole structure and floor rumble with the big machines starting and landing, and that was what set me off - it was like my whole reality was ripped wide open, and I was standing all alone at the end of time, staring into the absolute cold and nothingness of the universe ... with nothing but fucking Rescue Remedy to shield me from the horror. I really don´t know how I managed to get on that plane with some semblance of sanity and make it home without trying to smash in a window and jump out during the flight or screaming "I´ve got a bomb, shoot me!", but when we were home I immediately talked to my GP and told her I couldn´t go on like that and she sent me to a proper psychiatrist (yeah, I know, the scary guys from "One Flew Over The Cuckoo´s Nest", but trust me, if you need medication, you need one of those, only they find their way through the endless array of pharmaceuticals on the market) who then helped me to find a medication that suited me. You have to know that finding the right combination of meds is no picnic - anti-depressants, who are also given for anxiety-attacks, are no tranquilizers which kick in immediately (but are nothing for long-term use), anti-depressants have to build up in your blood over a few weeks, and then you have to wait a few more weeks to see wether they´re doing it for you, and if they don´t, you have to get them out of your system, which takes just as long, before you can try the whole thing all over again with another prescription. There can be paradox reactions, like: you feel agitated, but it´s still possible that the prescription that works for you is an "activating" one rather than a sedating one as one would think. And with stuff that makes you more active there´s always the risk that it will give you just the last little energy rush you needed to go through with killing yourself. (Sometimes apathy can be a blessing, too!) That´s why they often give you tranquilizers for the time you´re adjusting to the meds, and that´s a good thing as long as you stay within the prescribed doses. I didn´t want to be a good little girl and take my Xanax, that´s why I spent almost two months and a family Christmas sitting trembling and sleepless in front of the telly day and night, watching random programs about all kinds of stuff (learned a lot, I would actually know how to make my own Champange now if I had the means!!) eating tons of chocolate and still losing weight faster than I could replace calories. Ugh!* Add to that the neccessity to explain to well-meaning but clueless people (like your family) what you´re going through and that it basically would be best if they left you alone until you scream for their help ... not easy, because EVERYBODY´s a therapist and all your family and friends believe they know exactly what you need, well, I guess you´ve all dealt with that. The hardest thing for me was having to explain to the kids I wouldn´t be making up new stories for them for a pretty long while because my story-brain wasn´t working so good any more. I didn´t want them to think I was just brushing them off. At least I wasn´t alone, I had a lot of people who cared and were trying their best to be supportive even if they didn´t get everything right at first and were sometimes driving me nuts. They gave me the space I needed finally and were there when I reached out for them. My situation right now: I was on meds for 15 years now and just recently kicked them (a month ago, so I´ve got them out of my system properly) , now I´ll have to see. I´ll make an appointment with my shrink in a week or so, ask him what he thinks, and if it turns out I can´t go completely without meds maybe we´ll try something different. What I hated about my meds were the - albeit harmless! - side-effects (everything that works has side-effects) : an extremely dry mouth and excessive sweating, which meant lugging around gallons of water and three changes of clothes everywhere I go. I had suddenly had enough. End of story for now. Bye! *(And that´s only the treatment for pretty common depression/anxiety disorder that´s harmless compared to finding treatment for someone who´s bi-polar, where the situation can be much more volatile.)

Hi! I had already seen "Enigma" at AllRomance, but I didn´t know you had another book published! Wonderful! Cheers, Clara

Okay, I was actually planning on talking about my experiences with depression/ anxiety attacks/ medication etc, but a few posts I´ve read about how religion has been used on people to make them feel bad about who they are made me so mad I first have to get my thoughts about it off my chest. The irony: I´m an agnostic, but not because I grew up in an overly oppressive religious environment. In a way, I still believe that if there´s a God, he´ll be okay with what and who I am, he´ll be supportive, because that´s his thing. Even as a kid I never felt like he would judge me (not my sexuality for sure - I was only a little concerned wether my Grandpa up in heaven could see me masturbating ... ehrm) Some of my relatives were more, some less religious, some can be pretty bigoted and others are awsome open-minded characters like me (*irony*), but it was always understood that, basically, God is love, and all the rest is just pesky details we have to work out on our own. As an agnostic, I think we make our own Gods, and the God they chose was one to help you with your struggles, internal and external, the one entity that´s always there, not to slay your enemies for you or other cruel stuff, but so you´ll always have someone to talk to, or someone who understands you even if you can´t find the right words to explain what your struggling with. Someone for guys like Mark all alone on his Yorkshire farm who don´t have anyone else to share thoughts with. (Well, now we have Internet communities where people can share, but you know what I mean.) HE wants to help us to be ourselves without fucking other people over too bad in the process. That´s it. I´m from a catholic background, and there´s one bit of a prayer we say at the end of every mass (I´ll have to translate this roughly): "Lord, come in and stay with me under my roof, so my soul can heal". To me, that doesn´t mean, like, "heal my soul so I´m not a filthy gay pervert anymore" or some such crap. just that every soul that´s hurt deserves to be healed. My boyfriend who´s an atheist and can be a little mean about it thinks I´m nuts, but it sometimes helps me to got to church and say that prayer, cry some and feel better. I might even go to the altar and eat a host, just to say: "See? HE doesn´t mind I don´t even believe in him, he´s still cool with it." Schizophrenic much? Yes, in a way. But who cares, right? A lot of religions actually have some good insights or coping techniques somwhere under all the heaps of judgmental and unhelpful stuff. Like what Joe wrote: "My friend, the religiouse guy, said I had the Holy Spirit. That kind of freaked me out. But, it was like a "religous experience" it was all so profound." To me, I think the "Holy Spirit" just means whatever comes out there is so raw and unfiltered and overwhelming it transcends our normal, everyday understanding of the socially acceptable - something we respect instinctively, even if we don´t necessarily agree with whatever actually is said. Healing stuff. Great Balls of Fire. etc. ramble, ramble ...

Dear Bee, I´ve just started reading through this thread and LOL when I came to your post. Having to try and be nice to people sucks when there are so many bitchy, sarky, vitriolic remarks on the tip of your tongue that are just too beautiful to be swallowed! I should know. Me and my boyfriend can be Hate Masters of the Universe on good days. The upside of that is, when we show other people we have a compassionate and sweet side as well, it comes as a total shock to them, a good one mostly. But that way they know up front not to expect us to be super patient with them all the time, and they know not to take the nasty stuff we sometimes say too personal, you know. They know sometimes it´s really not them, it´s just our usual nasty selves. LOL I think the crux is that you have to learn how to be reasonably nice to other humans while still being true to yourself, you know, how to balance this with recognizing your own needs and moods etc. so you don´t become a total pushover. It comes naturally to a lucky few, but a lot of us have to fucking struggle to achieve that kind of equilibrium. It´s even harder when you´re a youth and still living at home, with all kinds of people still making decisions for you - all for your own best in their thinking, probably, but it surely makes it an uphill battle to try and make up your own mind. Just don´t forget that you´ll get there one day. You will work all this crap out for yourself. There will always be people who can´t stand you, there will always be times when you really fuck up and have to apologize for things you said or did, there will probably always be times of depression and a lot of stupid assholes in your life who think they´re the ones who know what´s best for you, but there will also be people who "get" you, who like you for you, or who´ll indeed help you achieve things and make you happy. (Just like in a lot of really sappy, moronic movies, actually. Urgh. Vomit.) I know this is a typical old person´s advice (I am old) , but keep this in mind, it will help to tide you over the crap still to come (that there will be crap to come is one thing in life you can always be sure about). Hugs, Clara

Hey, did some glitch happen with Not Another Love Story ... it´s gone! I roamed around all forums on GA before I found your profile here by pure luck because I also couldn´t access your author page. What´s going on? Your fan Clara

I had to contact Tori Perse. My first thought! Great chapter. The "fun" with Summer was nightmarish ... tsk ... young people! Cheers, Clara

Grandmothers. Grandmothers and unicorns

This story kills me LOL. Another menace - I think Steven should jump ship right now ... or maybe not?

LOL Ken! I love guys who jump to conclusions and then try to fix things that ain´t broken A pedagogical casualty. Reminds me of my own dad, going off and spouting big words, mostly something to do with "responsibility" ... But I also think Ken´s a good goy basically. He just hasn´t found the right angle yet, he´ll have to look a little closer before he acts. In general - this story has totally gripped me, and I wish it would update a little oftener, yeah, but as long as you aren´t happy with a chapter it makes no sense to post it. This one was just perfect, it leaves me totally satisfied and story-sated, even with the mean cliffie, but still hungry for more. Cheers, Clara

Another promising story! I have to say - something reeeeeeeally horrible has to happen to him before I´ll be able muster any sympathy for Logan again ... standng up your best friend to hang with the BHB? That´s too much like what a real adolescent person would do, haha. Hell, I can´t say I much like any of them so far, not even Eric, who seems kind of innocent. It has to be a facade, how else would he have been able to survive this high school up to here? ??? Clara

Oh shit! Now they´re "even" .. is that a good or bad thing for their relationship? Killers bonding? Tyler seems to induce violent reactions in people one way or the other. Maybe he´s radiating it. Maybe it´s contagious. ... Wade = good riddance. Just throw him in a ditch. We don´t need other people complicating their lives. I was very cross withTrev in the last chapter because he made Tyler cry. And Tyler didn´t even kill him! It´s got to be love.

Oh man, I was too bad-cliffhander-traumatized to leave a comment last week - it was a great chapter thoug. I think the scenes unter water were particularly well done! Cheers, Clara

Oh shit! What´s the right decision? Please go back to Tyler and the stocked home! I´m still utterly fascinated with Tyler and developing just as much semi-Stockholm syndrom as Travis. To hear about Tyler burning down half the town and all the casualties gave me the chills though. In a good way and a bad way. * wistful sigh*

I don´t mind if they don´t go home again and drive off to live a life of danger crime and sex elsewhere (the operational word being LIFE of course). But what about the dog? Taylor´s still crazy hot, and I don´t mind if he killed his wife, I´d just like to know EVERYTHING now. The suspense is killing me. Hey, and thanks for some lovely euphemisms I hadn´t heard before. Cheers, Clara

An agonizing chapter! Thanks for making me go through all the stages of why-you-shouldn´t-mix-meds-and-booze (again). I remember them only too well, and you nailed it just right. LOL. It´s all good though because you made Haze not get his Christmas present, and by his own choice. Now it´s established that both Haze and Blake are crazy, so can they please live happily ever after ... no, I guess not. You have to be at least halfway through weiting the next chapter, so post!!!!!!!

What can I say but ... Jesus! *sweat* I actually do find the characters quite intriguing already - one could write a drunken semi-closetet, a little awkward bj a lot less endearing than you do here.

Tylers conversation reminds me a little of my favorite piece of dialogue from No Country for Old Men, you know: "Where´d you get the pistol?" "At the gettin place." LOL. But I get the feeling that Tyler´s a beautiful man, and not just on the outside. The trailer park setting is definitely HOT as hell (or, well, hot as the inside of a trailer on a summer day), but I think "the most beautiful nowhere in Texas" ain´t a bad place to be either. Equally suited for running around in your birthday suit and/ or confessing you killed your wife... I also love the crazy song they´re writing ... thios is all just wildly romantic and you should post another chapter soonish!

Ace, I dearly dislike The Girlfriend and Other Guy in every story ... that´s because I´m like a mom who wants everything as smooth as possible for her two favorite boys. Of course there would be no plot if everything went my way. :DAt the end, when everyone´s happily ever after, I´ll make peace with all the intruders .... Clara

I´m thinking - why do people always expect you to be trilled when they scream "surprise" at you? I wish everybody would stop surprising others. That goes for you too, of course. You surprised me with the introduction of Other Guy and I´m not happy. But maybe he (or The Girlfriend) will be a catalyst for something good to come - a little jealousy? a shot of confidence for Blake? Hmmm ... But I think Blake did real good for the longest part of the day. I hope the pill relapse will be short lived. And yes, by all means mix pills with booze, plot doctors recommend it! Cheers, Clara

“Yeah, about that...” Mich grabbed my arm and pulled me to him. My nose bumped against the doorframe. Without checking whether I got hurt or not, he added, “Coop will provide you with an explanationt.” There´s nothing nicer than a little well written awkwardness even if it ends with a bloody nose. Noe I´m hoping for a really cute/awkward birthday attempt at first sex.

I love how much of a difference Billy and Dave make in each others life, the bond between them when they seemed so mismatched at first. (Plus they´re hot when they work together in the barn, all sweaty) And what´s going on between Billy´s Mom and his father? What are his father´s motives for being such an ass? I loooove this story and need more soon. Cheers, Clara

“Why won’t you be real?” Aren´t you a clever author ... the perfect device to turn things around and bring Blake out of his daze!! Now give us more of nervous-wreck-but-real Blake.

This is such a good story so far. You certainly know a thing or two about diving AND anxiety disorder, it feels all pretty real. This is all super intriguing ... what´s going on with Haze´s family?? Does Penelope rule this little village like a mafia Don, or does she just WISH she would? Why does she feel entitled to mess with everyone´s life? I like this mean little twist: if Blake didn´t have his anxiety problems he might never have bonded with Haze like he did - and now this same anxiety problems threaten this bond, because he can´t communicate around this mask of indifference Haze has donned again. It should be an incentive to reach out more, to take more risks to geht through to Haze, but Blake isn´t strong enough yet, his medication seems the safer bet, and in his state of mind it probably is. Penelope the manipulative bitch ... he should definitely try to stay mad at her: I´ve had anxiety issues for years, and what always made them better was being royally pissed at someone!! It helps! Yeah, yeah, hate on her. Cheers, Clara

Oh, I forgot - you´re a good writer ... I would have commented more on BSC if you hadn´t severely pissed me off with the dream chapter. I hold a grudge about dream chapters FOREVER, even if I knew it was probably just meant to keep our attention up.

Whatever happens - make sure to save your CHAPTER NOTES!!! They´re all gems. I was waiting for BSC all friday *sigh*, I hope you manage to get it posted. The navigation here on GA isn´t easy, but I´ll try and find the Peer Review section, whatever that is. Cheers, Clara