My Chaotic Life - 1. Spiritual Crisis

It began around the time of lust
Lust engaged with a forbidden touch
My forgiveness is such
I don't know if god is on my side
Or if he had finally abandoned me
But if anything drives me forward
It's the realization that I know nothing
But then I never knew

I should've known that my desires
Would drag me into the darkest places of my heart
Dare to speak the lust that burns my brain
No...my veins
It's loud
Searing my conscious thoughts
Until urge overtakes learned behavior

Like I go someplace else
Maybe overhead watching the scene unfold
My body on auto-pilot
Thrusting...sweating...grunting
Looking for that cosmic release only sex can bring
A release that begins deep in my loins
Sensations tingling from the inside
My vision blurs
My breath quickens
Sweat rolls down my nose and into my gaping mouth
Causing me to grimace momentarily
But I shake it off
Primal urge resumes control

I'm still high above
Watching down in amazement
The smooth back before me
Tanned and muscular
Meets my lust-crazed body
Pushing back harder
Urging me to go further than I ever dared go
The being belonging to the back screams out
I thrust deeper
Meeting thrust for crazed thrust
It resembles a giant movie screen
I smile...toothy and wide

Noting the feeling that is presently curling my toes
I know the end is near
I embrace it eagerly
Sensation racks my body
My pulse quickens
I grip the hips of the back
One last thrust
One last scream
I explode

My face contorts in what could be mistaken for pain
But i recognize the rapture for what it is
I push the center of the back
Marked with sweat and claw marks
I push that back away
Causing a final groan

High above
I slam back into my body
Once again I am in complete control
Primal urge had fled
Euphoria is quickly replaced by disgust
The need of release is sedated
But with that release comes my shame
I strip myself of it's latex sleeve
And drop it on the floor

The back turns around and smiles at me
The glow of release still on his angular face
I try a smile but it's weak and half-hearted
But he understands
His smile fades
I say nothing
Everything important remains unspoken
In a single gesture as I hastily pull up my pants
I turn and leave the same way I came in

Even on the drive home
As I rehearse the story
The lies I must tell my family and friends
My spiritual crisis rages inside