Teacher's Pet - 6. Chapter 6

It was a bad night for both of them. Ash was restless and feverish, often moaning or crying out in his sleep and Josh remained staring fixedly at the ceiling stroking Ash to sooth him when he stirred, terrified to look at him, wracked with doubts and fears. His skin prickled as if he was too big for it, and burned where Ash touched him.

Josh swung between certainty that he was doing the right thing and equal certainty that he was the biggest fool in the world and he shouldn’t even be fighting this. At those times he buried his face in Ash’s hair, breathing in his scent, clenching his fist in the soft silkiness and sobbed.

By the morning they were both exhausted and Josh was so confused he didn’t know which way was up any more. Ash, of course had no idea what had been going on in his head and all he knew was that he had been wandering in fevered dreams all night, dreams of pain and rejection, of loss and confusion. He woke, briefly when Josh got up but it was only a brief flash of consciousness before he sank back into the maelstrom again.

Josh toyed with the idea of taking the day off but felt that, under the circumstances it would be better to explain the circumstances to the headmaster in person. He got up early and wandered around a house that seemed suddenly unfamiliar. Ash woke briefly and murmured something with a bright smile but unfocussed eyes then went back to sleep and Josh left him in bed.

After showering, eating breakfast and smoking three cigarettes he hurriedly gathered together a selection of food and a bottle of mineral water and took it upstairs, laying it on the bedside cabinet. Ash had thrown off the covers and was sprawled across the bed. Josh indulged himself for a few moments, drinking in the careless beauty but, when his hands took on a life of their own and started to stroke the soft skin he pulled himself together and gently shook Ash awake.

“What... what’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m going to work. I’ve made you some snacks. Stay in bed. I’m only going to work until lunchtime and then I’ll be back. When I get back, if you’re still not feeling well I’ll get the doctor to call and give you some antibiotics. I’ve put your pain meds on the tray. You should take some now and then see if you can get some more sleep. I’ll be back before you know it.”

At first Ash’s eyes widened and he looked as if he was going to beg Josh not to go, but he didn’t. He bit his lip and nodded. Josh touched his face, it was hot.

“You’ll be alright for a couple of hours.”

“I know.”

“Let me help you take your pills.”

Ash watched big eyed while Josh shook the pills into his hand and unscrewed the top of the water bottle. He complied uncomplaining when Josh slid his arm around him and helped him sit up, obediently opening his mouth and swallowing the pills but there was nothing conscious in his actions at all. He was lost in the closeness of Josh’s body, the gentleness of his touch, there was nothing to his world apart from that. He rested his head against Josh’s shoulder and closed his eyes feeling acutely melancholy.

“Okay. I have to go. You’ll be alright. Try to get some sleep.”

“Josh...”

“I have to go Ash”. He eased himself out from under Ash and helped him lie back on the pillows. He already looked desperately sleepy, his eyes bright and feverish.

“I know but...”

“We’ll talk later. You’ll feel better by then.”

“Josh please... just look at me. Please just look at me... see what I am not what you think I am.”

“Ash don’t do this... not now. I told you... we’ll talk later.”

“I know but... I need... I need you to... I need you to know...”

“I can’t stay now...”

“I’m not a child. I’m not. I don’t want to you look at me like I’m some kid you’re looking after. I’m not Josh, I’m so not. I...I... If you don’t want me then I’m cool with it, but you do, I know you do and that’s unbearable. Please Josh... please. No Josh... no, don’t walk away. Please look at me... please.”

At the door Josh paused. Ash’s voice sounded so anguished, he could hear the tears in it. He knew that he had a threshold to cross. If he turned round now, if he took one look into those sparkling blue eyes he knew that he would not be able to help himself: he would cross the room and take Ash into his arms and he would never let go, never again.

“Josh...?”

Squeezing his eyes shut to stop the tears Josh walked through the door and kept on walking, ignoring the frantic calls. He didn’t stop to pick up his coat, or to grab the rest of his toast, he didn’t pause at all until he was in the car, then he rested his forehead on the steering wheel and cried.

***

Watching Josh walk out the door Ash felt his heart break. If he couldn’t even look at him what chance did they have? He had never lied to him, never given him any real hope but... but the look in his eyes when he looked at him sometimes, the way he touched him, his kiss... Ash was so sure that there was something more than he was saying but if he couldn’t... or wouldn’t even look at him...

He was very confused. He was sure about the way he felt, had never been more sure of anything in his life. He would have killed or died for Josh. This was no childish crush. A sense of hopelessness washed over him. There was nothing he could do, nothing he could say. This was something that Josh had to work through by himself... if he wanted to, but what if he didn’t want to? What if what he had said was really the way he felt, if he really didn’t want him? So much had happened, so much... and he had lost everything; his school life, his home life... and now... now Josh too... the beating didn’t even come into his list of misery.

He shivered and hugged himself, feeling so hopeless, so helpless. Painfully he turned over onto his side and curled up, trying to push away the misery. He wasn’t successful and it welled up inside him bursting out in a flood of tears and painfully wracking sobs that ended in a coughing fit that left him exhausted and drifting in a world turned harsh and unreal.

For a time he lay still, staring at his own hand; seeing nothing, feeling nothing, and then it all drifted away.

He woke with a start in darkness, desperately cold with the sound of his heartbeat loud in his head. Had he had a bad dream... he couldn’t remember? It was very dark. He could see nothing, nothing at all. The bed felt strange under him, as if it had been freshly made, the blankets stiff and cold. Shivering, he reached for the quilt but, instead of touching soft cool cotton his questing fingers touched soft warm skin.

“Josh?”

There was no answer but the body rolled over, drew closer wrapped him in arms that smelled faintly of cigarette smoke and a familiar cologne.

“Josh.” This time it was a moan that was lost when his lips were covered and claimed. For a moment he was stiff, his mind whirling, confusion overwhelming him, and then he relaxed and surrendered to the incredible feelings that washed over him as Josh’s hands stroked down his spine. Moaning he arched his back pressing his body against the warm, yielding flesh.

Tears ran from his eyes seasoning the kiss and when Josh released his lips to track a line of kisses from the corner of his mouth to the base of his throat he whimpered, his senses almost completely overloaded.

“Josh what... what...?”

“Ssh.” Again he was silenced with a kiss and, this time the other body slid over his own, strong hands grabbing his wrists and pinning them behind his head. Ash groaned at the pain in his ribs and shoulder which, even though it stabbed at him seemed somehow muted.

Once more the hot lips moved down over his chin and neck, further than before. Transferring both his wrists to one hand, which was incredibly strong, the other was trailed palm up down the inside of his arm and then across his ribs to rest, palm down on the curve of his hip, the thumb tracing little circles on his hot skin.

He was breathing hard now, the weight of the other body making it both difficult and painful to take a breath. He didn’t care. He was light headed and burning all over, not just from the physical sensations but the incredible relief, the release of the pain he had been storing up inside. He was here. Josh was here. Nothing existed but their two bodies entwined, their two hearts beating together.

Moving like some kind of great snake Josh slid over his body and between his legs, rubbing against him with his hips and thighs, arousing him like no one had ever done before. When the hand slid between them and grabbed him he cried out.

“Josh... Josh are you...?” The grip on his wrists tightened until it was painful and the weight of the body on his seemed to be growing. He could hardly breathe at all now. “Josh... I can’t... I can’t breathe. Just... just move... please...”

If anything the weight increased as did the speed of the hand that was pumping his shaft. Suddenly it didn’t feel like an act of love any more.

“No... no stop. Josh...you’re... hurting me. Please stop. Please... please stop.”

But he didn’t stop... he kept on... faster... harder... heavier until Ash thought he was going to pass out. He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t speak, couldn’t move. He tried to struggle, to break free but the pain in his chest, the shortness of breath defeated him and suddenly it was a desperate struggle.

“No... no...no...stop...stop..”

Suddenly he became aware of a hammering sound, as if someone was pounding on the door. They kept pounding and pounding, growing more and more desperate as Ash continued to struggle until a sudden burst of light from somewhere illuminated the face of the man who loomed over him. It wasn’t Josh.

“What... who..? Where’s Josh?”

“Josh is gone. He’s in prison. It’s because of you ... all because of you. You’re such a selfish little boy. All you wanted was the sex. You didn’t care about Josh, didn’t care what would happen to him because of your selfish infatuation. He tried to tell you but you wouldn’t listen and now he’s gone... it's all gone. His career, his life, his liberty... he’ll never see the light of day again. And you... what have you got... nothing.”

“No... that’s not... it can’t be...Who are you?”

“I’m your worst nightmare Ash. And your sweetest dream. Aren’t you enjoying the experience?”

“No... no I... Please get off me... please... please leave me alone.”

“Never.... I will haunt you to the day you die because you broke Josh. You took a good teacher and a good man and you tempted him and blackmailed him and you broke him. You will pay for that...trust me you will pay. You are alone Ash and you will always be alone. You are poison... you can’t have a relationship because you poison them with your whining about the state of your soul. Get over it. You are flawed, you can’t get it together, you can’t have a relationship... not now, not ever... you are a sad little fag and you will be alone forever.”

“No... I don’t believe you... I don’t... I don’t... leave me alone... leave me alone.”

The man let go of his wrists and put his hands around his throat squeezing until the pounding on the door and the pounding in his head became one. “Say goodnight Ash. I’m doing you a favour after all. It’s such a sad life... it must be a relief to know it’s coming to an end.”

And it was a relief. He closed his eyes as the pressure, the pounding, the pulsating redness increased and he was glad, glad, glad... until, suddenly, with a gasp he opened his eyes to find that light was pouring in through the window and someone was hammering on the door. He was tied up tight in the bedclothes and the feeling of choking was coming from part of the duvet cover which had somehow got twisted around his neck.

For a moment Ash lay panting, staring at the ceiling, his heart pounding in time with the hammering on the door. He was shivering, shaking all over, shocked to his core. Had it been a dream? Just a dream? Josh was okay, not in prison and he wasn’t dying. He closed his eyes and swallowed reaching up with weak hands to release the cloth around his throat.

“Ash...Ashley, I know you’re in there. Open the door.”

The voice that drifted in through the open window was familiar, not a voice he could ignore. He groaned. Could his day get any worse?

Slowly and painfully he climbed out of bed. The room spun when his feet hit the floor and he had to grab onto the bedside cabinet to steady himself. Fortunately the window was only two or three steps away. He tugged aside the net curtain and peered out. The last person he wanted to see was his headmaster, looking none too pleased.

“I...I’m here.”

Mr Hendicott looked up scowling. “Get down here and open the door Ashley. I need to talk to you.”

“I... It’s going to take a while.”

“Don’t take too long, I am not going to stand here all day waiting for you.”

“I’ll try.”

Dropping the net Ash drew back from the window and looked around the room for something to wear. Even in his half asleep, confused state of mind he was well aware he couldn’t face his headmaster wearing nothing but underwear.

The only clothes of his that he could see were his jeans and t shirt from the previous day and he couldn’t put them on, they were covered with blood. He racked his brain, trying to remember what they had done with the bag with his clothes in but there was a great dark empty space in his memory between the incident with his father and the conversation with Josh the previous evening.

He stood for a while trying to think, to decide what to do and, in the end sat down on the bed and pulled on his old stained jeans. They were stiff but, fortunately black so the stain was barely visible. It was a long and painful task and, in the end he was so exhausted he had to sit for a time, his hands on his knees, his head hanging. He almost started to drift again but was roused by a renewal of the hammering on the door.

“Alright, alright.”

Holding on to the wall Ash limped painfully out onto the landing and to the top of the stairs. Breathing hard he grabbed the handrail and looked down. The bottom seemed a long way away. His head was pounding and his leg throbbing and, it seemed, every part in between was aching like toothache. Closing his eyes for a moment he very carefully lowered first one foot and then the other to the next step.

Feeling exposed and vulnerable he turned and put his back against the wall. It was easier coming down sideways but still slow and painful. It seemed to take forever to get to the bottom and then he still had to make it along the passage to the front door.

Mr Hendicott was red in the face and practically snorting with impatience by the time he opened the door.

“What took you so long?”

“I...”

Without waiting for an answer he had pushed past and was already disappearing through the door into the living room. With a sigh Ash closed the door and followed.

In the living room the headmaster turned to vent his frustration at having been left standing in the street for so long but then he saw the bruises and he suddenly didn’t feel like venting any more. His voice was almost gentle when he spoke.

“How are you feeling?”

“I’m... okay.”

“You look... tired.”

“I was sleeping but someone woke me up.”

“I'm sorry about that, I didn’t realise.”

“What do you want?”

“What makes you think I want anything?”

“Don’t you?”

“I just wanted to talk to you.” He sat down, perching uncomfortably on the edge of the sofa. Ash remained standing. “I understand that things have been...difficult for you recently. I’ve... spoken to your father.” Ash turned his face away, his expression closed. “Ashley, do you have any idea what you’re doing?”

“What... I’m doing?”

“Your father is extremely upset. Your mother is distraught...”

“Look...I’m sorry about that, truly I am but there’s nothing I can do about it. They will never accept what I... and that’s not my fault.” Even to Ash himself his words sounded hollow; plaintive, pleading.

“No. It’s not your fault. You have no control over who you are but you do have control over what you do. This has to stop. This... infatuation with Mr Steerman is unhealthy for you and dangerous for him.”

“Dangerous?”

“Ashley... I really do understand how difficult you must be finding all of this, especially after what happened to you. You must be hurting very badly and everyone is committed to making things as easy as we can for you but this... At the moment the matter is still containable. Go home, come back to school and forget about this ridiculous situation.”

“It’s not ridiculous.”

“Oh Ashley... I’m sure that to you it isn’t but... Do you realise how much trouble Mr Steerman could get into over this? It’s not just his job, not just his career... his reputation... he could lose everything Ashley. Is that what you want?”

Ash stared at him, truly horrified. He shook his head. “No.”

“If you stay here then, at the very least he is going to lose his job. He will not be provided with a reference which means he will not be able to get another job. He won’t be able to stay here because of that, and the stigma. You will have driven him out of his work, his home. If you care for him, as you say you do, then don’t do this to him.”

“I... I do... I do care. I do... I’m not... “Ash’s mind was a maelstrom of confusion. His head ached and he found it hard to focus on the words the headmaster was speaking. They dropped straight into his heart like slivers of glass. He was in so much pain emotionally it even eclipsed the physical pain, which was growing.

“What do you want me to do?”

“Leave here as soon as you can, right now, today. Go home. Come back to school and finish your exams. Forget about this nonsense.”

“It’s not...” But even as he began to speak he looked up and caught the expression on the headmaster’s face, realising then he had no argument and, even if he had, no energy to advance it.

“Ashley, I don’t want to make life any more difficult for you, especially not at a time like this but you will thank me in the long run. Something like this can get out of hand and ruin lives. It’s dangerous, far more dangerous that you appreciate. It has to be nipped in the bud.

“Mr Steerman is a good teacher and a good man but he has lost perspective on this and I don’t want him doing something he is going to regret... that you are both going to live to regret. You’ll thank me in the end.

“You do understand don’t you? You understand that this is a very serious thing... that if you stay here, if you carry on with this then both of you are going to get into a lot of trouble and there is only so much I can do to help either of you. It’s up to you Ashley. I’m trusting you to make the right decision. If you care anything at all for Mr Steerman you will stay away from him.”

Ash stared at him with wide eyes. He couldn’t really understand what was being said but he got the gist. Josh was in trouble and would be in even more trouble if he stayed... and it was all his fault. Slowly he nodded his head, his expression blank.

“You do understand don’t you?” Ash nodded once more and turned away, looking for his clothes bag. “I think you’re making the right decision. Would you like me to take you home? I could speak to your father for you.”

Ash shook his head. How could he tell this man, practically a stranger, that his father would not listen, his father was a lost world to him now? How could he tell him that he had just lost everything, his only anchor in a sea of fear and doubt? How could he tell him that his life was effectively over?

“I have... things to do.”

“Alright. Whatever you want. Don’t take too long though. It would be better to get it over with quickly.”

Mr Hendicott got to his feet and put his hand on Ash’s shoulder. “You’ve made the right decision.” Ash raised his head and met his eyes and he was shocked by the sheer hopelessness he saw in the glittering blue discs. They were huge and seemed somehow too bright. It crossed his mind that tears were not far below the surface.

Raising his hand to pat Ash on the shoulder he glanced at the bruises and thought better of it. For the first time he noticed how pale the boy was, the ugly bruises across his cheek, the awkward way he was holding himself to try and ease the pain. For the first time he had a pang of doubt that bordered on guilt but he brushed it aside. He knew he had done the right thing... for both of them.

“If there is anything I can do to help you... you only have to ask.”

“Just... go.”

“Of course. You look tired. Once you get home you should rest.”

“Yes. Rest. Please go.”

“It’s for the best Ashley. You will come to realise that in the end.”

“Yes.” He just wanted him to leave now. He didn’t know what to say to him and he certainly didn’t want him to see the tears that were burning his eyes. If only he would go. It would be alright when he was on his own. He could manage on his own... alone.

The headmaster looked at him and then walked past him, laying his hand again, briefly and gently on his shoulder. “Don’t leave it too long Ashley. Don’t linger.” And then he was gone.

When the door closed behind him Ash sat down heavily on the sofa and sobbed, hugging himself, trying to ease a pain that was mostly on the inside. He hurt all over, inside and out and there was an aching black hole where his heart used to be. He was more confused that he had ever been. Nothing made sense, nothing other than that he had to get away from here, away from Josh before he hurt him even more... before he lost everything because of him.

Ash couldn’t quite remember what had happened to Josh but he knew it was bad and he knew it was all his fault. He remembered something about prison... something about losing everything, his job his home... his life? Was he even still alive? Ash wasn’t entirely sure but he thought that it was likely he was otherwise why would he have to leave?

The only thing that was clear to him was that he had to leave. He had to go and he had to go right now. He wasn’t sure where he should be going. He remembered someone saying something about having to be alone. He also remembered the headmaster telling him to go home but he knew he couldn’t do that.